Unknown user Posted November 24, 2022 Author Share Posted November 24, 2022 Know how they found iron? They smelt it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Watt-Zeefuik Posted November 24, 2022 Share Posted November 24, 2022 3 hours ago, Smithee said: Know how they found iron? They smelt it. When trying to figure out which iron mineral to use, you might feel like you have to choose between magnetite and hematite. But in reality, both will work. It's really an either ore situation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
N Lincs Jambo Posted November 26, 2022 Share Posted November 26, 2022 On 24/11/2022 at 17:12, Sawdust Caesar said: That reminds me of when I used to buy the student's rag mag in the early 80s which were full of jokes like these: She was only the cricketer's daughter but she could take a full toss in the crease. She was only the fishmonger's daughter but she'd lay it on the slab and say fillet. In a similar vein and it does help if you have ever worked in a paper mill; “she was only a paper maker’s daughter but she liked her wet end felt”. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Swanny17 Posted November 27, 2022 Share Posted November 27, 2022 Knock knock. Who’s there? Déjav. Déjav who? Knock knock…. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ri Alban Posted November 27, 2022 Share Posted November 27, 2022 (edited) @Led Tasso Did you pull Christmas crackers at Thanksgiving? 🤣 Edited November 27, 2022 by ri Alban Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dick Dastardly Posted November 27, 2022 Share Posted November 27, 2022 42 minutes ago, Swanny17 said: Knock knock. Who’s there? Déjav. Déjav who? Knock knock…. I'm sure I've heard that before.... 😉 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ulysses Posted November 28, 2022 Share Posted November 28, 2022 On 26/11/2022 at 17:34, N Lincs Jambo said: In a similar vein and it does help if you have ever worked in a paper mill; “she was only a paper maker’s daughter but she liked her wet end felt”. Someone I know used to work in a hardware store. One day a guy walked up to the counter and asked "where can I get felt?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
henrysmithsgloves Posted November 28, 2022 Share Posted November 28, 2022 24 minutes ago, Ulysses said: Someone I know used to work in a hardware store. One day a guy walked up to the counter and asked "where can I get felt?" Four candles!🤣 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted November 28, 2022 Share Posted November 28, 2022 Maggie takes her dog to the vet because it has an ear infection. The vet cleans the dog's ear and treats it with antibiotic drops. He then says to the woman "That's fine now, but you are going to need to treat both ears with hair-removal cream every month from now on to prevent the infection recurring". On the way home, Maggie stops off at the chemist and asks the pharmacist for some hair-removal cream. The pharmacist hands over the cream and says "If you are using this under your arms, then avoid using deodorant for 2 days. Maggie says "Oh, it's not for under my arms “. ”Well" says the pharmacist "If you are going to use it on your legs, don't shave for 5 days". "But it's no for my legs either" says Maggie "It's for my schnauzer" "Well in that case" says the pharmacist "Don't ride your bike for a week" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Real Maroonblood Posted November 28, 2022 Share Posted November 28, 2022 49 minutes ago, superjack said: Maggie takes her dog to the vet because it has an ear infection. The vet cleans the dog's ear and treats it with antibiotic drops. He then says to the woman "That's fine now, but you are going to need to treat both ears with hair-removal cream every month from now on to prevent the infection recurring". On the way home, Maggie stops off at the chemist and asks the pharmacist for some hair-removal cream. The pharmacist hands over the cream and says "If you are using this under your arms, then avoid using deodorant for 2 days. Maggie says "Oh, it's not for under my arms “. ”Well" says the pharmacist "If you are going to use it on your legs, don't shave for 5 days". "But it's no for my legs either" says Maggie "It's for my schnauzer" "Well in that case" says the pharmacist "Don't ride your bike for a week" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheBigO Posted November 28, 2022 Share Posted November 28, 2022 12 hours ago, superjack said: Maggie takes her dog to the vet because it has an ear infection. The vet cleans the dog's ear and treats it with antibiotic drops. He then says to the woman "That's fine now, but you are going to need to treat both ears with hair-removal cream every month from now on to prevent the infection recurring". On the way home, Maggie stops off at the chemist and asks the pharmacist for some hair-removal cream. The pharmacist hands over the cream and says "If you are using this under your arms, then avoid using deodorant for 2 days. Maggie says "Oh, it's not for under my arms “. ”Well" says the pharmacist "If you are going to use it on your legs, don't shave for 5 days". "But it's no for my legs either" says Maggie "It's for my schnauzer" "Well in that case" says the pharmacist "Don't ride your bike for a week" Was expecting "its for my spaniels lugs" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rudi must stay Posted December 4, 2022 Share Posted December 4, 2022 What bread did Jesus insist on for breakfast? The daily bread Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dick Dastardly Posted December 4, 2022 Share Posted December 4, 2022 Knock knock Who’s there? Grandad Quick! Stop the funeral Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tazio Posted December 4, 2022 Share Posted December 4, 2022 How did Mary and Joseph get their groceries delivered? On a Lidl donkey. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JFK-1 Posted December 4, 2022 Share Posted December 4, 2022 I was told this by another kid at school when we were about 7 years old, found it funny then and still do. Which is presumably why I remember it. What do you call a guy who has lost his dug? Douglas A 7 year old got it, don't tell me I have to explain. 😉 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted December 5, 2022 Share Posted December 5, 2022 A man has been found guilty of excessive use of commas. The judge told him to expect a very long sentence. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JudyJudyJudy Posted December 5, 2022 Share Posted December 5, 2022 4 hours ago, JFK-1 said: I was told this by another kid at school when we were about 7 years old, found it funny then and still do. Which is presumably why I remember it. What do you call a guy who has lost his dug? Douglas A 7 year old got it, don't tell me I have to explain. 😉 Lol Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JudyJudyJudy Posted December 5, 2022 Share Posted December 5, 2022 14 hours ago, rudi must stay said: What bread did Jesus insist on for breakfast? The daily bread Good one Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Japan Jambo Posted December 5, 2022 Share Posted December 5, 2022 On 06/09/2022 at 04:12, ri Alban said: He knew. Heard that way too often way back when. The other one they always belted out over the tannoy was 'you win again' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
manaliveits105 Posted December 5, 2022 Share Posted December 5, 2022 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FWJ Posted December 6, 2022 Share Posted December 6, 2022 Selling a few of these down Lochend way…. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Say What Again Posted December 7, 2022 Share Posted December 7, 2022 On 24/11/2022 at 17:12, Sawdust Caesar said: That reminds me of when I used to buy the student's rag mag in the early 80s which were full of jokes like these: She was only the cricketer's daughter but she could take a full toss in the crease. She was only the fishmonger's daughter but she'd lay it on the slab and say fillet. She was only a bricklayer's daughter but cement the world to me, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rudi must stay Posted December 9, 2022 Share Posted December 9, 2022 Dracula was in the supermarket he asked for some Gillette blades. "That's £2.70" "Oh I don't have money but I have these fangs" "Oh that'll do" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PTBCAL Posted December 12, 2022 Share Posted December 12, 2022 I had a date last week with a girl at the gym. But she never showed. It was then I knew we would never work out Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PTBCAL Posted December 12, 2022 Share Posted December 12, 2022 I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. Then it was too late Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted December 18, 2022 Share Posted December 18, 2022 It was Christmas Eve in Germany and the Schmidt family were sitting round the fireplace waiting on Santa Claus coming down the lum, with a tobacco pouch for Herr Schmidt, a box of chocolates for Frau Schmidt, a dolly and pram for wee Mary Schmidt ans a bazooka for wee Messerschmidt, when just about midnight there was an almighty crash outside the house. The family ran outside to find the outside lavatory in ruins, Santa sitting in the middle of it, yeliing at Rudolph the brown nosed reindeer " I said land on the SCHMIDT house!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
1953 Posted December 22, 2022 Share Posted December 22, 2022 A chap got married and a few years later he was in the pub with his pals who were asking him about his sex life. “We have sex every night,” he says, “and often in the morning too. It’s great but I do have to confess, it is getting a bit samey. We just do the same thing every time.” One pal said. “Gawd, you should spice things up a bit. Have you never tried using the other hole? That’s always a bit different and can add a bit of excitement - that's if the wife’ll let you.” He replies, “Aye that sounds good. I could try that. I’ll let you know how I get on.” The next week they were in the pub and the guys were eager to find out how he got on. “Did you try the other hole then?” one asked. He replied, “Nah, she wouldn’t let me. She says we’re not ready to start a family yet.” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Angel eyes Posted December 22, 2022 Share Posted December 22, 2022 I remember the time I was asked to be part of a super group. The line up was due to be Bing Crosby, Don McLean, Mary J. Blige, Lee Ryan and myself. We were going to try for a Christmas number one. Just the five of us....... Bing, Don, Mary, Lee and I. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rudi must stay Posted December 25, 2022 Share Posted December 25, 2022 Which singers favourite day of the year was Christmas Buddy Holly Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rudi must stay Posted December 28, 2022 Share Posted December 28, 2022 Doctor doctor I feel like im on fire No you're not Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Watt-Zeefuik Posted December 28, 2022 Share Posted December 28, 2022 There once was a man from Manchu Who tried to write a haiku But he Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ked Posted December 28, 2022 Share Posted December 28, 2022 59 minutes ago, rudi must stay said: Doctor doctor I feel like im on fire No you're not 🤣 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted December 28, 2022 Share Posted December 28, 2022 7 hours ago, Led Tasso said: There once was a man from Manchu Who tried to write a haiku But he First five syllables Add seven more in line two That's how to haiku Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted January 9, 2023 Share Posted January 9, 2023 A man goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants. I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your breasts' he says. You dirty git,' shouts the barmaid, 'get out before I fetch my husband.' The man apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. 'I want to pull your pants down, spread yogurt between the cheeks of your arse and lick it all off' he says. 'You dirty filthy pervert. You're banned. Get out.' she storms. Again, the man apologizes and swears never ever to do it again. 'One more chance' says the barmaid. 'Now - what do you want?' 'I want to turn you upside down, fill your ***** with Guinness, and then drink every last drop. ' The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the telly. ' What's up, love?' he asks. 'There's a man in the bar who wants to put his head between my breasts and lick the sweat off' she says. 'I'll kill him. Where is he?' storms the husband. 'Then he said he wanted to pour yogurt down between my arse cheeks and lick it off' she screams. 'Right. He's dead' says the husband, reaching for a cricket bat. 'Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my ***** with Guinness and then drink it all' she cries. The husband puts down his bat and returns to his armchair,and switches the telly back on. 'Aren't you going to do something about it?' she cries hysterically. 'Look, love - I'm not messing with someone who can drink 19 pints of Guinness!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rudi must stay Posted January 9, 2023 Share Posted January 9, 2023 Schizophrenia Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted January 9, 2023 Share Posted January 9, 2023 4 hours ago, rudi must stay said: Schizophrenia Beauty. 👍 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kila Posted January 9, 2023 Share Posted January 9, 2023 6 hours ago, rudi must stay said: Schizophrenia Did you hear about the schizophrenic with alzheimer's? The voices in his head kept saying "why don't you remember me" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted January 9, 2023 Share Posted January 9, 2023 I don't think my girlfriend approves of my schizophrenia medication. Every time I take it, she goes away. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rudi must stay Posted January 10, 2023 Share Posted January 10, 2023 1 hour ago, I P Knightley said: I don't think my girlfriend approves of my schizophrenia medication. Every time I take it, she goes away. Haha Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wee Mikey Posted January 10, 2023 Share Posted January 10, 2023 After 101 pages, I'd be surprised if any of these haven't already been posted:- Did you hear about the bloke who mixed up liquid Viagra with Tip-Ex? He woke up with a huge correction. What's the difference between a pickpocket and a Peeping Tom? A pickpocket snatches watches. A man walks into the doctor's wrapped only in clingfilm ... Doctor, "I can clearly see your nuts". Last night I had a Pelican curry ... ... it was good, but the bill was enormous. How do you turn a duck into a rock star? Microwave it until its bill withers. (In a Weegie accent) ... Q: "Is it a donut or a mirangue?" A: "Naw, yer right, it's a donut". Q: What bit of Popeye doesn't get rusty? A: The bit he dips in Olive Oyle Q: How do you turn a fox into a dog? A: Marry her 2 cannibals eating a clown ... 1st cannibal, "Does this taste funny?" Garbage jokes, but funnier than Mrs Brown's Boys. 🤭 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Watt-Zeefuik Posted January 11, 2023 Share Posted January 11, 2023 My kids are currently at the age where all the dad jokes are hilarious. They are currently obsessed with the old crank phone call one: A: Is your refrigerator running? B: Um . . . yes? A: Well you better go catch it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted January 11, 2023 Share Posted January 11, 2023 7 hours ago, Led Tasso said: My kids are currently at the age where all the dad jokes are hilarious. They are currently obsessed with the old crank phone call one: A: Is your refrigerator running? B: Um . . . yes? A: Well you better go catch it! Try this one: Is Mr Walls there? (no) Is Mrs Walls there? (no) Are there any Walls in the house? (no) Well, what's holding the roof up? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted January 11, 2023 Share Posted January 11, 2023 1 hour ago, I P Knightley said: Try this one: Is Mr Walls there? (no) Is Mrs Walls there? (no) Are there any Walls in the house? (no) Well, what's holding the roof up? We used to go to a phone box with a pile of 5p coins and phone random people with that exact joke. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted January 11, 2023 Share Posted January 11, 2023 26 minutes ago, superjack said: We used to go to a phone box with a pile of 5p coins and phone random people with that exact joke. You whippersnapper. It was 2p in my day They had the directory in phone boxes back then so you could look up funny names and give them a call. "Is that Balls on the line?" (Yes) "You'd better get them off; there's a train coming." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wee Mikey Posted January 11, 2023 Share Posted January 11, 2023 18 minutes ago, jonesy said: Watching the last 7 minutes of the Dundee match from 1986 is funnier than Mrs Brown's Boys. As are Callum Paterson's goal celebrations v Hib5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wee Mikey Posted January 11, 2023 Share Posted January 11, 2023 This 'un is unforgettable ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wee Mikey Posted January 11, 2023 Share Posted January 11, 2023 This 'un is unforgettable ... Ps ... H1B5 are the totally crap joke forever. ❤️❤️G❤️ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
That thing you do Posted January 11, 2023 Share Posted January 11, 2023 (edited) 2 hours ago, Wee Mikey said: As are Callum Paterson's goal celebrations v Hib5 Theres a potential manager in the stands there. Shouts "give him an option" then its in. On a side note, it would annoy the **** out of me to sit next to someone trying to manage and play the game doing that for 90 minutes. Edited January 11, 2023 by That thing you do Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted January 11, 2023 Share Posted January 11, 2023 7 hours ago, I P Knightley said: You whippersnapper. It was 2p in my day They had the directory in phone boxes back then so you could look up funny names and give them a call. "Is that Balls on the line?" (Yes) "You'd better get them off; there's a train coming." Don't think I remember that 1, belter. Phone box had a 5p and a 10p slot. I remember when they changed to one's that would take any coin, there was a way to get unlimited free credit on the new ones. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
samgolden Posted January 16, 2023 Share Posted January 16, 2023 On 10/01/2023 at 20:39, Wee Mikey said: After 101 pages, I'd be surprised if any of these haven't already been posted:- Did you hear about the bloke who mixed up liquid Viagra with Tip-Ex? He woke up with a huge correction. What's the difference between a pickpocket and a Peeping Tom? A pickpocket snatches watches. A man walks into the doctor's wrapped only in clingfilm ... Doctor, "I can clearly see your nuts". Last night I had a Pelican curry ... ... it was good, but the bill was enormous. How do you turn a duck into a rock star? Microwave it until its bill withers. (In a Weegie accent) ... Q: "Is it a donut or a mirangue?" A: "Naw, yer right, it's a donut". Q: What bit of Popeye doesn't get rusty? A: The bit he dips in Olive Oyle Q: How do you turn a fox into a dog? A: Marry her 2 cannibals eating a clown ... 1st cannibal, "Does this taste funny?" Garbage jokes, but funnier than Mrs Brown's Boys. 🤭 How do you turn a duck into a soul singer put it in the oven till it’s BILL WITHERS Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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