narre Posted August 16, 2022 Share Posted August 16, 2022 I bet anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir recently is shitting themselves at the moment! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted August 16, 2022 Share Posted August 16, 2022 My favourite name for a planet is Saturn… It has a nice ring to it Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted August 16, 2022 Share Posted August 16, 2022 "It's only when a mosquito lands on your testicles... that you realise.... there is always a way to solve problems without violence" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted August 16, 2022 Share Posted August 16, 2022 At band practice last night, a guy came up and asked if I could give him a roll on the drums ? I said wouldn't you prefer a plate ? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted August 16, 2022 Share Posted August 16, 2022 On our way home my wife said let’s stop and visit our son Nicholas, so we took the see Nick route.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted August 16, 2022 Share Posted August 16, 2022 Was at the barbers and noticed a young lad before me having both sides of his head shaved and leaving a neat tuft of hair down the middle, from the front to the back of his head. On my turn, I asked the barber if I could have same haircut. He said no, it was the Last of the Mohicans. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Say What Again Posted August 16, 2022 Share Posted August 16, 2022 I just failed my RAF entrance exam. Turns out the bomb bay doors aren't an Indian tribute band.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted August 16, 2022 Share Posted August 16, 2022 These people selecting the next Eurovision host city are dragging their heels. You gotta speed it up…. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pharmaceutical01 Posted August 16, 2022 Share Posted August 16, 2022 Went to the doctor today... He told me to stop masturbating..... I asked why??? Because, he said, I am trying to examine you Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted August 17, 2022 Share Posted August 17, 2022 Her dog came in heat and she was concerned about keeping it and the male separated. But she had a large house and she believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep, she heard awful howling and moaning sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together and unable to disengage, as frequently happens when dogs mate. Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was very late at night, she called her vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice. After she explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw. "Do you think that will work?" she asked. "Just worked for me." he replied. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Watt-Zeefuik Posted August 17, 2022 Share Posted August 17, 2022 When I was doing my field research in Scotland a few years ago, I ended up in a pub up on the northeast coast. There was a sad, posh-looking gent by himself down at one end of the bar. There was a free seat next to him so I took it. He looked surprised for a moment, then said, "ah, you must not be from around here." I admitted as much. I asked where he lived, and he gestured to the big castle pictured on the wall. Oh, so you're landed then? Aye, he said, Lord Reginald was his name. He then looked even sadder, and I asked him why. He said, "let me tell you a story . . ." "See that fishing pier out in the harbor? I paid for that. I hired the engineers. I did that for this town. Built three more down the coast. But do they call me Lord Reginald the Pier-Builder? No, they do not." Unsure, I just nodded. "See the new seawall? I got the government grants for that. Hired local men to do it. Good strong seawall. I've overseen the construction of five different seawalls along this coastline. Do they call me Lord Reginald the Wall-Builder? No, they do not." He then got very sad and very quiet, and said almost in a whisper. . . "But you **** just one goat . . ." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ri Alban Posted August 17, 2022 Share Posted August 17, 2022 What's black and white and bounces? A rubber Nun. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ulysses Posted August 18, 2022 Share Posted August 18, 2022 On 16/08/2022 at 03:04, narre said: I bet anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir recently is shitting themselves at the moment! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted August 18, 2022 Share Posted August 18, 2022 Had the shits for 4 weeks now. Went to the doctors today and he told me not to worry and that they go back to school in two weeks! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted August 18, 2022 Share Posted August 18, 2022 I tried to explain to my 4 year old son today that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poo in your pants, but he's still making fun of me! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted August 18, 2022 Share Posted August 18, 2022 Some girls don't like to walk in the rain because it puts their face back to factory settings! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted August 18, 2022 Share Posted August 18, 2022 Three men book into a busy ski lodge so they have to share a bed. Man on the right wakes up and says, "I had this vivid dream of getting a hand job." Man on the left wakes and says, "I had the same dream." Man in the middle wakes and says, "That's funny. I dreamt I was skiing!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted August 18, 2022 Share Posted August 18, 2022 My mate was the fittest person I knew. He went to the gym 7 days a week. Entered Ironman contests, he even did back to back marathons once. Then one day he went for a jog in the park and BANG! He met a girl, got married... ...and now he's a fat **** just like the rest of us! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted August 18, 2022 Share Posted August 18, 2022 The cost of living crisis has now become so bad that the wife is having sex with me because she can't afford the batteries! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted August 19, 2022 Share Posted August 19, 2022 😜😅😂🥰x A motorcycle cop stops a driver for jumping a red light. The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the officer demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! The officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms. The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything. When he gets done with writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for. The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an arsehole!" Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has such a bad driving record he is about to lose his license and has hired a lawyer to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light. Under cross examination the defence attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket you issued my client?" Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top." Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?" "Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined." "What does the "AH" stand for, officer?" "Aggressive and hostile, Sir." "Aggressive and hostile?" "Yes, Sir? "Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for Arsehole!” "Well, sir, you know your client better than I do!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rudi must stay Posted August 19, 2022 Share Posted August 19, 2022 Liz Truss will sort out the country Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
milky_26 Posted August 19, 2022 Share Posted August 19, 2022 what pronouns do chocolate bars prefer? her/she Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted August 20, 2022 Share Posted August 20, 2022 I walked into the living room and there was a guy in a canal boat. I said "You can't come barging in here!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted August 27, 2022 Share Posted August 27, 2022 The average duration of an ear worm is 7 hours and 15 days. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ri Alban Posted August 27, 2022 Share Posted August 27, 2022 46 minutes ago, I P Knightley said: The average duration of an ear worm is 7 hours and 15 days. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted August 27, 2022 Share Posted August 27, 2022 54 minutes ago, I P Knightley said: The average duration of an ear worm is 7 hours and 15 days. Nothing compares 2 U for crap jokes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ri Alban Posted August 27, 2022 Share Posted August 27, 2022 22 minutes ago, Morgan said: Nothing compares 2 U for crap jokes. 🤣 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rudi must stay Posted August 27, 2022 Share Posted August 27, 2022 2 hours ago, I P Knightley said: The average duration of an ear worm is 7 hours and 15 days. This is for the facts of the day thread Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted August 27, 2022 Share Posted August 27, 2022 3 hours ago, I P Knightley said: The average duration of an ear worm is 7 hours and 15 days. 46 minutes ago, rudi must stay said: This is for the facts of the day thread It’s really not. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
All roads lead to Gorgie Posted August 29, 2022 Share Posted August 29, 2022 I once gave a girlfriend a torch for her birthday, I forgot to switch it off before I wrapped it. Her face lit up when she opened the wrapping paper. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Konrad von Carstein Posted August 29, 2022 Share Posted August 29, 2022 On 19/08/2022 at 18:58, milky_26 said: what pronouns do chocolate bars prefer? her/she Hershey chocolate tastes like vomit... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dawnrazor Posted August 29, 2022 Share Posted August 29, 2022 2 minutes ago, Konrad von Carstein said: Hershey chocolate tastes like vomit... I don't get that one?! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Konrad von Carstein Posted August 29, 2022 Share Posted August 29, 2022 3 minutes ago, Dawnrazor said: I don't get that one?! Have you tried it? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
milky_26 Posted August 29, 2022 Share Posted August 29, 2022 4 minutes ago, Konrad von Carstein said: Hershey chocolate tastes like vomit... all american chocolate does as it contains a chemical that mimics the taste of vomit. i think it was originally used to help preserve it so it could be transported across the country, since americans are used to chocolate tasting that way it remains or they would think something was wrong with it Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dawnrazor Posted August 30, 2022 Share Posted August 30, 2022 7 hours ago, Konrad von Carstein said: Have you tried it? Just a wee joke!👍 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jim747 Posted August 30, 2022 Share Posted August 30, 2022 12 hours ago, milky_26 said: all american chocolate does as it contains a chemical that mimics the taste of vomit. i think it was originally used to help preserve it so it could be transported across the country, since americans are used to chocolate tasting that way it remains or they would think something was wrong with it That's probably the reason they eat everything else instead Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Watt-Zeefuik Posted August 30, 2022 Share Posted August 30, 2022 19 hours ago, milky_26 said: all american chocolate does as it contains a chemical that mimics the taste of vomit. i think it was originally used to help preserve it so it could be transported across the country, since americans are used to chocolate tasting that way it remains or they would think something was wrong with it A lot of cheap American chocolate has it, like Hershey's and Nestle products. Plenty of decent chocolate manufactured here, just doesn't rise to the McDonald's level of visibility. There is something nice to visiting other countries and knowing that all the chocolate in the checkout aisle is going to be decent, though. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rudi must stay Posted August 30, 2022 Share Posted August 30, 2022 I called the police there. No response so I'll send them a message in a bottle Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted August 31, 2022 Share Posted August 31, 2022 So, 25 years on, and I can still remember what I was doing the moment I heard Diana was dead. I was at the all-night panel beaters in Paris getting my Fiat Uno fixed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dawnrazor Posted August 31, 2022 Share Posted August 31, 2022 4 minutes ago, superjack said: So, 25 years on, and I can still remember what I was doing the moment I heard Diana was dead. I was at the all-night panel beaters in Paris getting my Fiat Uno fixed. Ooft!!!😅😅 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted August 31, 2022 Share Posted August 31, 2022 1 hour ago, superjack said: So, 25 years on, and I can still remember what I was doing the moment I heard Diana was dead. I was at the all-night panel beaters in Paris getting my Fiat Uno fixed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rudi must stay Posted September 3, 2022 Share Posted September 3, 2022 I just started a new job in a cafe. Spandau Ballet were in the other day "Can we get four Nescafés" "What type" I respond "Gold" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ri Alban Posted September 3, 2022 Share Posted September 3, 2022 (edited) What does a pizza boy and a gynaecologist have in common? They both can smell it, but they can't eat it. Edited September 3, 2022 by ri Alban Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unknown user Posted September 4, 2022 Author Share Posted September 4, 2022 This woman's marriage is flagging in the bedroom, so she goes to the tattoo shop, and at the top of each thigh, on the inside, she gets a portrait of Robbo on the right, and on the left, one of Rudi, for her Jambo husband. When it comes to the end of the next date night, she tells him she's not wearing any knickers, leave the lights on, and reveals the artwork in all its glory. "Do you know who they are?" She asks "I'm no sure about the two on the sides but the one in the middle's Tam McManus" (An old one that I've changed from Off the Ball today, but it made me laugh) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
milky_26 Posted September 5, 2022 Share Posted September 5, 2022 Only a small percent of people know the opposite words to the following set of words. 1. Always 2. Coming 3. From 4. Take 5. Me 6. Down Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dick Dastardly Posted September 5, 2022 Share Posted September 5, 2022 1 hour ago, milky_26 said: Only a small percent of people know the opposite words to the following set of words. 1. Always 2. Coming 3. From 4. Take 5. Me 6. Down 1. Always 2. Coming 3. From 4. Buy 5. Me 6. Up Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ri Alban Posted September 6, 2022 Share Posted September 6, 2022 6 hours ago, milky_26 said: Only a small percent of people know the opposite words to the following set of words. 1. Always 2. Coming 3. From 4. Take 5. Me 6. Down He knew. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jamstomorrow Posted September 7, 2022 Share Posted September 7, 2022 Two down and outs were sitting side by side on Princes Street, begging. One turned to the other and said. "What brought you to this state?" "Was it the same as me, drink and drugs?" The other guy replied, " No mate!" "I forgot to turn the emersion heater off!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iantjambo Posted September 10, 2022 Share Posted September 10, 2022 The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope. Grumpy leads the pack. 'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?' Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome ?' The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome .' In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them. Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe ?' The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe . 'This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare. Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr.. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?' The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.' The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting...... 'Grumpy shagged a penguin!' 'Grumpy shagged a penguin." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rudi must stay Posted September 15, 2022 Share Posted September 15, 2022 Why does R Kelly never get the train? Because he believes he can fly Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.