Unashamedly crap jokes (some are pure gold!)

[Ulysses]

5 minutes ago, Led Tasso said:

 

My followup is supposed to be a joke too. It may be a crap joke, but I'm not ashamed.

 

I thought it was a typo.   

[Kalamazoo Jambo]

6 minutes ago, Ulysses said:

 

I thought it was a typo.   

Harsh crowd. Glad I didn’t tell my time travel joke now. You guys hated it.

[Ulysses]

1 minute ago, Kalamazoo Jambo said:

Harsh crowd. Glad I didn’t tell my time travel joke now. You guys hated it.

 

No we won't.

[Maple Leaf]

2 hours ago, Ulysses said:

 

No we won't.

Clever. 

[Swanny17]

How do you find Will Smith in the snow? 
 

Look for the fresh prints.

[rudi must stay]

Who's Hearts best goalkeeper?

 

Tepi Moilanen

[CostaJambo]

I went to pump up my car tyres at the garage and the price for using the air hose has gone up from 50p to a quid. When I complained to the guy in the shop he said "Well that's inflation for you".

[The Jazz Emu]

2 hours ago, rudi must stay said:

Who's Hearts best goalkeeper?

 

Tepi Moilanen

I don’t get that.

 

Am I being a silly sausage?

[Maple Leaf]

2 hours ago, CostaJambo said:

I went to pump up my car tyres at the garage and the price for using the air hose has gone up from 50p to a quid. When I complained to the guy in the shop he said "Well that's inflation for you".

[I P Knightley]

Knock Knock

 

(who's there?)

 

Hike.

 

(hike who?)

 

You're unsuspecting.

I'm anticipating this. 

Set the perfect trap. 

 

[Ulysses]

[Maple Leaf]

On 04/09/2023 at 12:03, I P Knightley said:

Knock Knock

 

(who's there?)

 

Hike.

 

(hike who?)

 

You're unsuspecting.

I'm anticipating this. 

Set the perfect trap. 

 

It took me a few days but I finally got it. 

 

Not one to be told at a dinner party, especially after a few glasses of wine.

[Ulysses]

7 hours ago, Maple Leaf said:

It took me a few days but I finally got it. 

 

Not one to be told at a dinner party, especially after a few glasses of wine.

 

I got it as well, but my inner pedant was screaming silently at the second line.

[I P Knightley]

3 hours ago, Ulysses said:

 

I got it as well, but my inner pedant was screaming silently at the second line.

My apologies. I do try my hardest but couldn't remember the exact lines as I was told them. 

 

It's five syllables

Then another seven more

Add five for haiku

[Ulysses]

24 minutes ago, I P Knightley said:

My apologies. I do try my hardest but couldn't remember the exact lines as I was told them. 

 

It's five syllables

Then another seven more

Add five for haiku

 

I think I've spent far too much time in the company of English professors, lawyers and/or senior government officials.

 

Soz.

[Maple Leaf]

1 hour ago, I P Knightley said:

My apologies. I do try my hardest but couldn't remember the exact lines as I was told them. 

 

It's five syllables

Then another seven more

Add five for haiku

Correct.

[JudyJudyJudy]

Bought myself some brown sauce just now...got it on HP

[Ulysses]

44 minutes ago, JudyJudyJudy said:

Bought myself some brown sauce just now...got it on HP

 

 

(I'll get me coat....)

[JudyJudyJudy]

11 minutes ago, Ulysses said:

 

 

(I'll get me coat....)

The old ones are the best 😂

[I P Knightley]

1 hour ago, JudyJudyJudy said:

Bought myself some brown sauce just now...got it on HP

I attended a breakfast event at the Houses of Parliament last year. Bacon rolls in abundance but, I shit you not, no HP sauce.

[JudyJudyJudy]

12 minutes ago, I P Knightley said:

I attended a breakfast event at the Houses of Parliament last year. Bacon rolls in abundance but, I shit you not, no HP sauce.

😂

[superjack]

A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.

 

When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

 

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.

 

Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in year four.'

'No, miss,' he replied. I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15.'

[cookieboy]

On 19/09/2023 at 11:07, superjack said:

A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.

 

When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

 

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.

 

Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in year four.'

'No, miss,' he replied. I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15.'

[rudi must stay]

Which Hearts player always played pissed

 

Dennis Wines

[rudi must stay]

Which Hearts player wore a magic hat

 

They all did at some point

[I P Knightley]

Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of Ryanair, after arriving in a hotel in Manchester, went to the bar and asked for a pint of Guinness.

The barman nodded and said, "That will be £1 please, Mr. O’Leary."

 

Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.

 

"Well, we do try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "And we are serving free pints every Wednesday from 6 pm until 8 pm. We have the cheapest beer in England".

 

"That is remarkable value", Michael comments.

 

"I see you don't seem to have a glass, so you'll probably need one of ours. That will be £3 please."

O'Leary scowled, but paid up.

 

He took his drink and walked towards a seat. "Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra £2. You could have pre-booked the seat, and it would have only cost you £1."

 

"I think you may be too big for the seat sir, can I ask you to sit in this frame please". Michael attempts to sit down but the frame is too small and when he can't squeeze in, he complains "Nobody would fit in that little frame".

 

"I'm afraid if you can't fit in the frame you'll have to pay an extra surcharge of £4 for your seat sir".

 

O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up.

 

"I see that you have brought your laptop with you" added the barman. "And since that wasn't pre-booked either, that will be another £3."

 

O'Leary was so incensed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on the counter, and yelled, "This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the manager".

"I see you want to use the counter," says the barman, "that will be £2 please."

 

O'Leary's face was red with rage. "Do you know who I am?"

"Of course I do Mr. O'Leary."

"I've had enough! What sort of a Hotel is this? I come in for a quiet drink and you treat me like this. I insist on speaking to a manager!"

 

"Here is his e-mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9.00 am and 9.01am every morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free phone number. Calls are free, until they are answered, then there is a talking charge of only £1 per second, or part thereof".

 

"I will never use this bar again".

 

"OK sir, but do remember, we are the only hotel in England selling pints for £1." 

[rudi must stay]

Which actor is the most religious?

 

Brian Blessed

[superjack]

A farmer decided to go to the cinema to see a movie.
As he went to pay for his ticket the cashier says “Excuse me, sir. What’s that on your shoulder?”
“That’s my pet cockerel, Chuck” he says. “Wherever I go, Chuck goes.”
“I’m sorry, sir” says the cashier “but we can’t allow animals in here.”
The old farmer goes outside, stuffs Chuck down inside his overalls and goes back in. This time he manages to pay for his seat and goes in and sits down next to two old widows, Mildred and Marge.
The movie started but Chuck started to squirm. The old farmer unbuttoned his fly so Chuck could stick his head out and watch the movie.
“Marge” said Mildred.
“What?” said Marge.
“I think this guy next to me is a pervert.”
“What makes you say that?” says Marge.
“He undid his fly and has his thing out” whispered Mildred.
“Don’t worry about it. At our age we’ve seen them all” said Marge.
“I thought so too” said Mildred “But this one’s eating my popcorn.”

[John Gentleman]

1 hour ago, superjack said:

A farmer decided to go to the cinema to see a movie.
As he went to pay for his ticket the cashier says “Excuse me, sir. What’s that on your shoulder?”
“That’s my pet cockerel, Chuck” he says. “Wherever I go, Chuck goes.”
“I’m sorry, sir” says the cashier “but we can’t allow animals in here.”
The old farmer goes outside, stuffs Chuck down inside his overalls and goes back in. This time he manages to pay for his seat and goes in and sits down next to two old widows, Mildred and Marge.
The movie started but Chuck started to squirm. The old farmer unbuttoned his fly so Chuck could stick his head out and watch the movie.
“Marge” said Mildred.
“What?” said Marge.
“I think this guy next to me is a pervert.”
“What makes you say that?” says Marge.
“He undid his fly and has his thing out” whispered Mildred.
“Don’t worry about it. At our age we’ve seen them all” said Marge.
“I thought so too” said Mildred “But this one’s eating my popcorn.”

Slight variation on the theme....

A winching couple, Tam and Marge, go to the flicks. When sat safely inside, they start petting and canoodlin'. But Tam has a problem. His member is awfy wee. About 80mm x 8mm at full stretch awfy wee.
So, thinking honesty is the best policy, he unzips his fly and flips it out on the palm of his hand. In the flickering light, he turns to Marge and says, "Look Marge, this is all I've got."

and she responds...
"Och, dinnae worry Tam, ah've got a full packet of 20 Embassy in ma' handbag." 

Edited September 23, 2023 by John Gentleman

[Watt-Zeefuik]

Mispronouncing words is my Ukelele’s heel.

[Watt-Zeefuik]

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "hey!"

 

The horse says, "you read my mind!"

[mrmarkus1981_1]

The guy at Tesco who puts fresh cream in the giant Eclairs is leaving Who ever gets that job has big choux's to fill

[superjack]

Shannon collects her car from the Galway garage: "Is it sorted"

 

Mechanic: “Nothing serious love, just shit in the air filter”.

 

Shannon: “Brilliant, how often do I need to do that?”

[milky_26]

why is 6 afraid of 7?

 

because 7, 8, 9.

 

why did 7 eat 9?

 

because you need 3 square meals a day

[Morgan]

On 04/09/2023 at 18:03, I P Knightley said:

Knock Knock

 

(who's there?)

 

Hike.

 

(hike who?)

 

You're unsuspecting.

I'm anticipating this. 

Set the perfect trap. 

 

Right, you’re going to have to feckin explain that one.  🤷🏿‍♂️

 

I haven't got the foggiest!

[milky_26]

8 minutes ago, Morgan said:

Right, you’re going to have to feckin explain that one.  🤷🏿‍♂️

 

I haven't got the foggiest!

hike who = haiku and

 

You're unsuspecting.

I'm anticipating this. 

Set the perfect trap.

 

is a haiku

[Ulysses]

8 minutes ago, Morgan said:

Right, you’re going to have to feckin explain that one.  🤷🏿‍♂️

 

I haven't got the foggiest!

 

I think it's my favourite joke on the thread, although it is, in its own way, very groan-inducing.  

[Der Kaiser]

2 minutes ago, milky_26 said:

hike who = haiku and

 

You're unsuspecting.

I'm anticipating this. 

Set the perfect trap.

 

is a haiku

 

An explanation 

Has taken the fun out it

Boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs

[Ulysses]

Just now, Der Kaiser said:

 

An explanation 

Has taken the fun out it

Boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs

 

 

[muldoon74]

Why didn't the pervert like feet?

 

He was licktoes intolerant.. 

 

 

[superjack]

My German uncle sadly died recently and I have been clearing out his belongings.  
I discovered an old uniform.  
At first I was shocked and sickened by what I found and the thought of my auld uncle being a member of this organisation. 
Then my thoughts turned to what to do with it ?, I couldn't take this to a charity shop as it represented pain, shame,and humiliation !…….

 

 

So, anyone any ideas what I can do with his old Hibs shirt and scarf ?

[Cameronstheman]

[superjack]

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.

 

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

 

I said "WHAT??!! What's that?!"

 

So she says the words that every man on the planet dreads to hear...

 

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

 

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

 

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big department store.

 

I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. 

 

She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. 

 

Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."

 

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

 

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

 

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT?"

 

I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

 

Guess who's still not getting his Nat king.

[manaliveits105]

My dad always said:
‘The first rule of theatre is to leave them wanting more.’
A great man, but a terrible anaesthetist.

[Tazio]

1 hour ago, manaliveits105 said:

My dad always said:
‘The first rule of theatre is to leave them wanting more.’
A great man, but a terrible anaesthetist.

My dad dies peacefully in his sleep.

Quite the opposite of the passengers of the coach he was driving at the time. 

[Cairneyhill Jambo]

I've got a hot date with a lass that identifies as a green wheely bin. I can`t remember if I`m taking her out this Thursday or next Thursday.

[Sleepy head]

9 hours ago, Cairneyhill Jambo said:

I've got a hot date with a lass that identifies as a green wheely bin. I can`t remember if I`m taking her out this Thursday or next Thursday.

That's a rubbish joke.

[Wee Mikey]

3 hours ago, Sleepy head said:

That's a rubbish joke.

 

That 'joke' needs binned.

[superjack]

2 hours ago, Wee Mikey said:

 

That 'joke' needs binned.

That's the problem when Jokes are continually recycled

[Wee Mikey]

52 minutes ago, superjack said:

That's the problem when Jokes are continually recycled

 

Top tip:-

 

'Act Your Age' which can be got on BBC Sounds is a hoot for 'Unashamedly Crap Jokes' during the intros but has some genuinely laugh out loud moments during the show.

 

Series 2 is particularly funny.

 

Defo not 'highbrow' and has some proper 'old time' gags to upset any sensitive types.