Unashamedly crap jokes (some are pure gold!)

[Morgan]

24 minutes ago, Led Tasso said:

 

Took me forever to understand it but here's the long and tedious explanation.

 

I told the joke about the walrus getting told by his auto mechanic that he'd blown a seal. A blown seal on an engine can mean many things but often means when the head gasket gets a hole in it so the piston chambers no longer hold compression, and the engine barely functions, and puts out a lot of smoke. It's an expensive repair so hope you never have one. (hopefully the other half of the double meaning is clear enough, I'm not going to explain that one to you.)

 

Heidi Klum dated the singer Seal (did not know that TBH) so the joke would work with her walking into a mechanic. So the implication was that you could re-tell the joke with Heidi Klum instead of a walrus, except that the post said "walks into a bar" which I can only assume was supposed to be "walks into a mechanic."

 

Did I get that right?

 

FWIW the joke was shamelessly lifted off of this old Doctor Demento regular feature. Apologies, the resolution is horrific.

 

 

Ok, Led, thanks!

 

I think I get it now but it’s not a joke I’ll be rushing to tell folk, that’s for sure!

[A Boy Named Crow]

Tough crowd in today 😂

[Morgan]

Easily humoured crowd in today.  🤷🏿‍♂️👀

[Der Kaiser]

What we've all learned today is my humour is clearly at a level well above JKBs level. Happy to joke more about boobs and willies and not fly above my station again.

 

 

 

 

Sorry.....

 

(Glad I didnt waste time making my Klumshot emoji)

[A Boy Named Crow]

4 hours ago, Morgan said:

Easily humoured crowd in today.  🤷🏿‍♂️👀

Such is the vibe of this thread,  n'est pas?

[Maple Leaf]

5 hours ago, Der Kaiser said:

What we've all learned today is my humour is clearly at a level well above JKBs level. Happy to joke more about boobs and willies and not fly above my station again.

 

 

 

 

Sorry.....

 

(Glad I didnt waste time making my Klumshot emoji)

 

Keep the heid.  I thought your comment was clever and got it immediately. But remember the title of the thread ... crap jokes.

[rudi must stay]

Whats my birds favourite film

 

One flew over the cuckoo's nest 

 

[kila]

A man goes to the doctors and says he keeps thinking he’s a supermarket.

 

The doctor asks how long he’d felt like that for and the man replies ‘since I was Lidl’.

[ShakenNotStirred]

Glass coffins. Will they ever catch on?

 

Remains to be seen.

[Dick Dastardly]

On 01/07/2022 at 22:31, Der Kaiser said:

 

 

Heidi Klum walks into a bar.......

Excellent! 

[rudi must stay]

On 09/07/2022 at 22:09, Morgan said:

Easily humoured crowd in today.  🤷🏿‍♂️👀

 

What did the policeman say to his stomach?

 

You're under a vest 

[superjack]

In the spirit of Wimbledon I bought a punnet of strawberries and looked to the internet for the best way to serve them. It suggested that I halve the strawberries, dust with icing sugar and pile cream on top.

 

Don't do this!!!

Pile cream tastes shite.

[narre]

A bloke in hospital is recovering from laser eye surgery.

The surgeon comes in and asks if he wants the good news or the bad news first.

The bloke excitedly asks for the good news.

The surgeon says, "Well, you are about to get a new f*****g dog!"

[narre]

A vegetarian looked at my burger and said,

"You know, a cow died so you could have that burger.

" Mid-bite, I looked at his salad and responded,

"Maybe it died because you keep eating all its food!"

[narre]

Right I'm off to grow some facial hair...

 

Must dash!

[narre]

My friend has a compulsion of dipping his testicles into glitter…

 

Pretty nuts!

[narre]

When I was a kid I used to love building sandcastles with my nan...

 

Then Mum would make me put her back in the urn!

[narre]

A British man was killed by a shark while on his honeymoon in Australia...

 

Reports say he didn't suffer too long as he was only married 3 days!

[narre]

"Your nan sucks cock!"

 

Classic insult, not so funny when she's whispering it in your ear though!

[narre]

I went to a dyslexic barbecue today...

 

We all stood in a line and waited to get our hair cut!

[Dick Dastardly]

7 hours ago, narre said:

When I was a kid I used to love building sandcastles with my nan...

 

Then Mum would make me put her back in the urn!

That did make me lol 😂 😂 

 

Edit your run of jokes there made me laugh like f@#k 

Edited July 12, 2022 by Dick Dastardly

[Kiwidoug]

On 12/07/2022 at 14:00, narre said:

A vegetarian looked at my burger and said,

"You know, a cow died so you could have that burger.

" Mid-bite, I looked at his salad and responded,

"Maybe it died because you keep eating all its food!"

Superb, I'll use that one.

[Muppetboy]

On 11/07/2022 at 00:15, ShakenNotStirred said:

Glass coffins. Will they ever catch on?

 

Remains to be seen.

👍😂

[All roads lead to Gorgie]

Isn't eBay great. I've sold my homing pigeon three times this week alone.

[JWL]

Went on one of they 'Once in a Lifetime' cruises last month. Never again.

[rudi must stay]

I saw Barry Manilow quite a few times today

 

Not once, twice, three times a lady 

[milky_26]

10 minutes ago, rudi must stay said:

I saw Barry Manilow quite a few times today

 

Not once, twice, three times a lady 

that works better with lionel ritchie

[Dawnrazor]

21 minutes ago, milky_26 said:

that works better with lionel ritchie

😅

[RobboM]

2 hours ago, rudi must stay said:

I saw Barry Manilow quite a few times today

 

Not once, twice, three times a lady 

At the Copa? Copacabana?

[ShakenNotStirred]

You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes.

[ShakenNotStirred]

5 minutes ago, jonesy said:

What did the leper say to the hooker?

 

"Keep the tip."

🤣🤣🤣

[narre]

I took a dyslexic girl back to my flat last night...

 

She ended up cooking my sock!

[narre]

Whilst driving through Wales with my pal,

we stopped off at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch for lunch.

I asked the waitress,

"Could you settle an argument for us.

Can you pronounce where we are, very slowly?"

The waitress replied, "Burr gerr King!"

[narre]

I was rear-ended in my car by an ice-cream van... I'm now suffering from Mr Whippylash!

[Morgan]

9 hours ago, narre said:

I took a dyslexic girl back to my flat last night...

 

She ended up cooking my sock!

    

[ShakenNotStirred]

I once had an an interview at a Blacksmith.

 

He asked me, 'Are you any good at shoeing horses?'

 

I replied, 'No, but I once told a donkey to **** off.'

[Dick Dastardly]

[manaliveits105]

Read today that humans eat more bananas than monkeys 

and if you think about it it’s true when is the last time you ate a monkey 

[RobNox]

A frog walks into a bank, approaches one of the tellers and says he's looking for a loan.  He can see from her name badge that she's called Patricia Whack.  She asks him how much he wants to borrow and he says £20k.  She asks the frog his name, he says Kermit.  She says, you look nothing like Kermit the frog, I'm not buying that.  He explains he's not the real Kermit, he's called Kermit Jagger.  His dad is Mick Jagger, who had sex with a frog after a gig and he was the offspring.  Mick decided to call him Kermit.  She then asks him if he can provide any collateral against the loan.  He produces a small pink elephant trinket and says this is all I have, but it's very valuable to me.  She looks at the trinket and says she'll have to check with her manager.  She talks to her manager and explains the situation, the frog wants a loan but the only collateral he can provide is this small pink elephant and she doesn't know what it is.  Her boss says, it's a nick-nack Patty Whack, give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone.

[Watt-Zeefuik]

When my girlfriend left me I turned to the bottle.

 

And now it's stuck in there FFS.

[rudi must stay]

I had a fight with Mick Hucknell there.

 

Something got him started 

[superjack]

I went to the doctors suffering from premature ejaculation, he said it must be very stressful for your wife. I said, to be perfectly honest Doc, it's getting on her tits.

[Jit]

How do you make an apple puff?

 

 

 

Chase it round the garden.

[superjack]

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognising a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. “This is your suspect, how would you recognise him?”

The first blonde answers, “That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he only has one eye!”

The policeman says, “Well…uh…that’s because the picture shows his profile.”

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, “This is your suspect, how would you recognise him?”

The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, “Ha! He’d be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!”

The policeman angrily responds, “What’s the matter with you two?! Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it’s a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, “This is your suspect, how would you recognise him?” He quickly adds” . . . think hard before giving me a stupid answer.”

The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, “Hmmmm . . . the suspect wears contact lenses.”

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn’t know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. “Well, that’s an interesting answer . . . wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I’ll get back to you on that.”

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect’s file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. “Wow! I can’t believe it…it’s TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?”

“That’s easy,” the blonde replied. “He can’t wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

[Angel eyes]

[Watt-Zeefuik]

I didn't do much today. Mostly just spent it lying around in the buff.

 

Got kicked out of a few places though.

[Watt-Zeefuik]

I was proud enough of this one today to repost it here:

 

https://www.hmfckickback.co.uk/index.php?/topic/189913-english-premier-league/page/151/#comment-9244834

 

Quote

The wife just came in and said, "good gracious, how many do United look like they'll ship today, and who is their hopeless manager."

 

I said, "Ten Hag" and before I could answer the question about the goals she slapped me and stormed out of the room.

 

[rudi must stay]

I was on the phone to Hot Chocolate the other day. "Can Hearts still win the league even after the draw at Easter Road"

 

"Yes I believe in miracles"

[samgolden]

On 28/07/2022 at 18:09, rudi must stay said:

I had a fight with Mick Hucknell there.

 

Something got him started 

During covid Mick refused to get a haircut he was “Holding back the Shears”

[narre]

I was really worried that my premature ejaculation would wreck my new career as a porn star.

"Christ I'm nervous," I said to the director on the first day of filming.

"Don't worry lad, you'll be fine," he said. "Just stick to the script."

"I already have!"