Unashamedly crap jokes (some are pure gold!)

[Carl Fredrickson]

[Carl Fredrickson]

[Carl Fredrickson]

[Carl Fredrickson]

Just heard 80's singer Enya has bought hew own Rugby Union team.

Their next 3 fixtures are now:

Sale (A)

Sale (A)

Sale (A)

[Swanny17]

3 hours ago, Carl Fredrickson said:

Just heard 80's singer Enya has bought hew own Rugby Union team.

Their next 3 fixtures are now:

Sale (A)

Sale (A)

Sale (A)

😁👍

[cookieboy]

On 25/04/2024 at 14:08, Carl Fredrickson said:

Just heard 80's singer Enya has bought hew own Rugby Union team.

Their next 3 fixtures are now:

Sale (A)

Sale (A)

Sale (A)

[CostaJambo]

I wrote another crap joke today....

 

My wife loves baking bread with different herbs in it. In fact, she said she absolutely loves her dill dough.

[AyrJambo]

39 minutes ago, CostaJambo said:

I wrote another crap joke today....

 

My wife loves baking bread with different herbs in it. In fact, she said she absolutely loves her dill dough.

 

Good effort!

 

Won't that give her a Dosa something?
Or does she Pitta wee bit butter on her Morning Roll?

Does Ciabatta'n eyelid when you Pumpernickel?

Edited April 28, 2024 by AyrJambo
Add text

[Der Kaiser]

1 hour ago, CostaJambo said:

I wrote another crap joke today....

 

My wife loves baking bread with different herbs in it. In fact, she said she absolutely loves her dill dough.

 

How long has she been baking bread. When exactly was her yeast inception?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

🚕

 

Edited April 28, 2024 by Der Kaiser

[Angel eyes]

Sad news from the Nestle factory today as a man was crushed to death by hundreds of boxes of chocolate.

He tried in vain to attract attention but every time he yelled "The Milky Bars are on me!", people just cheered.

 

[superjack]

40 glaswegians turned up at the pearly gates at the same time and St Peter said that there's only enough room for 12 of them to get then. He tells them to take their time and decide amongst themselves.

20 minutes layer, god asks Peter what's happening and Peter tells him. He then says to god he'll see if they've decided. He turns around and exclaims "they've gone!" God asks "all 40 of them?" Peter replies " no, the pearly gates".

[rudi must stay]

Did you hear about the pirate snooker player?

 

He was always playing cannons 

[CostaJambo]

Another one I thought of this morning.....

 

I wouldn't say he's lazy but I heard he went for a job as a door-to-door salesman and asked if there was any chance he could work from home.

[superjack]

I once ran an ultra marathon in Sweden. However, after a while I wasn't sure if I was going in the right direction. As soon as I crossed the Finnish line though, I knew I was lost.

[superjack]

A young man moved from his parents home into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.

The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

 

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now completely nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."

 

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere, so how can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?!"

 

Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming, that was me..."

[JudyJudyJudy]

2 hours ago, superjack said:

A young man moved from his parents home into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.

The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

 

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now completely nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."

 

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere, so how can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?!"

 

Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming, that was me..."

Brilliant ! 😂

[Cairneyhill Jambo]

I've just been offered a job in my local fishmongers.

 

I don't know if I'll take it though.  I'll have to weigh up the frozen prawns. 

[GlasgoJambo]

4 hours ago, Cairneyhill Jambo said:

I've just been offered a job in my local fishmongers.

 

I don't know if I'll take it though.  I'll have to weigh up the frozen prawns. 

I used to work in a fish factory which specialised in flatfish. To be honest It was sole destroying.

[The Real Maroonblood]

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were invited to a Christmas party. The Englishman brought a bag of tinsel, the Scotsman brought a bag of holly and they asked the Irishman: "What have you brought?" He said: "I brought a pair of knickers." They asked: "What has that got to do with Christmas?" He said "They're Carol's."

[manaliveits105]

My wife said if you are bored why don't you make a bird table 

so I did 

Now she is kicking off because she only came 5th 

[superjack]

Jimmy went fishing one morning but after a short time he ran out of worms. Then he saw an Adder with a frog in his mouth. He thought are Frogs good bait.  

 

Knowing the snake couldn't bite him with the frog in his mouth he grabbed him right behind the head,

took the frog, and put it in his bait bucket. 

 

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, he grabbed his bottle of Old Pulteney and poured a little whisky in its mouth.

His eyes rolled back, he went limp.

He released him into the heather without incident and carried on fishing using the frog. 

A little later, he felt a nudge on his foot. There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.

[I P Knightley]

My mate offered to take me to see a band called Clingfilm. But I don’t like wrap.

[Watt-Zeefuik]

I have a friend that has a tattoo that says, "comparison is the theft of joy." I'm thinking of getting the same thing, but a bit bigger and in a nicer font.

Edited May 27, 2024 by Watt-Zeefuik

[darrenold]

Guy goes into a seafood restaurant and the waiter asks what he'd like to order.

 

I'll have octopus please 

 

Oohhh said the waiter...it will take some time im afraid sir.  In fact it will take about 4 hours.

 

4 hours??? 4 hours for octopus??? How come??

 

Well sir, we cook them when they're alive and they keep turning the gas off!

[jamboy1982]

Keep dreaming that I’m helping women give birth. Doctor says I’m having a midwife crisis 

[Dawnrazor]

A couple take on an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could

have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath but

she could use a tin bath in front of the fire....... 

  

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.. So

the girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.... 

  

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled

the bath and watched as the girl got undressed. She was surprised to see

that the lass didn't have any pubic hair, and told her husband when he came

home. He didn't believe her, so she said, "Next week I'll leave a gap in the

curtains so that you can see for yourself.." 

  

The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked,

"Do you shave?"

  

"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you

have hairs?"

  

"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she showed off her hairy muff. 

  

When the girl went to bed the husband came in, and the wife asked, "Did you

see it?"

  

"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."

  

"Why not?" she said. "You've seen it before." 

  

"I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!!"

[mrmarkus1981_1]

What do you get when you cross a bowl of lettuce leaves and an epileptic?

Seizure Salad

[Dawnrazor]

3 minutes ago, mrmarkus1981_1 said:

What do you get when you cross a bowl of lettuce leaves and an epileptic?

Seizure Salad

Ooft 🤣

[Tazio]

My wife sent me a sweet text that read, “If you're sleeping, send me your dreams. If you're laughing, send me your smile. If you're crying, send me your tears. I love you!”
I replied, “I'm on the toilet, please advise…”

[Dawnrazor]

[Dawnrazor]

[N Lincs Jambo]

One morning a husband returns to the cabin after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.

Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out, since it is such a beautiful day. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says," Good morning, Ma'am, what are you doing"?

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious"?)

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to write you up a ticket."

"For reading a book"? she replies.

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her again.

"But officer, I'm not fishing, I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to write you up a ticket and you'll have to pay a fine."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the Game Warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he immediately departed.

 

 

[superjack]

When there's a disaster, why do we evacuate women and children first? So the men can think of a solution in peace. 

Edited June 8, 2024 by superjack

[Tazio]

[dougal]

I love music. I've been collecting vinyl since records began.

[redjambo]

1 hour ago, dougal said:

I love music. I've been collecting vinyl since records began.

 

1948?

 

https://www.discmanufacturingservices.com/blog/post/back-in-time-a-brief-history-of-the-vinyl-record

[Dawnrazor]

[Dawnrazor]

A man goes into a zoo, the only animal there was a dog............it was a Shih Tzu.

[superjack]

45 minutes ago, Dawnrazor said:

A man goes into a zoo, the only animal there was a dog............it was a Shih Tjoke

FTFY

[JWL]

 

Chef - Mr Sinatra, we've just received an order for 100 wildebeest pate sandwiches

 

Mr Sinatra - Start spreading the gnus

[Dick Dastardly]

What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?

I don't get turned on watching a lentil.

[superjack]

Years ago, I auditioned for a role as an extra in Goodfellas. However, apparently, they gave the part to one of the lead actors children. I would have got it too if it wasn't for those Pesci kids.

[Dawnrazor]

9 minutes ago, superjack said:

Years ago, I auditioned for a role as an extra in Goodfellas. However, apparently, they gave the part to one of the lead actors children. I would have got it too if it wasn't for those Pesci kids.

After that, don't ever "ftfy" one of my jokes again!

[superjack]

1 hour ago, Dawnrazor said:

After that, don't ever "ftfy" one of my jokes again!

aw come on, yours was beyond shite and mine would win the top joke award at the fringe.

[Tazio]

2 hours ago, Dick Dastardly said:

What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?

I don't get turned on watching a lentil.

My preferred punchline is “I wouldn’t pay £100 to have a lentil in my mouth” 

[Dick Dastardly]

12 hours ago, Tazio said:

My preferred punchline is “I wouldn’t pay £100 to have a lentil in my mouth” 

The way prices are rising you might have to soon

[rudi must stay]

15 hours ago, superjack said:

Years ago, I auditioned for a role as an extra in Goodfellas. However, apparently, they gave the part to one of the lead actors children. I would have got it too if it wasn't for those Pesci kids.

 

I had a part in Oliver Twist

 

It was great I couldn't ask for more 

[Japan Jambo]

1 hour ago, Dick Dastardly said:

The way prices are rising you might have to soon

 

need an expert opinion here - @Dawnrazor?

[Dawnrazor]

Just now, Japan Jambo said:

 

need an expert opinion here - @Dawnrazor?

 

[Dick Dastardly]

4 hours ago, rudi must stay said:

 

I had a part in Oliver Twist

 

It was great I couldn't ask for more 

👏 👏 👏 👏