Unashamedly crap jokes (some are pure gold!)

[RobNox]

My next door neighbour came to the door and accused me of stealing underwear from her washing line.  I was absolutely horrified, in fact I almost shat her pants.

[superjack]

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting pished. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?" 

 

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain but my wife has just left me. 

 

Man: So what happened?

 

Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket. 

 

Man: Ok, but that's not so bad. 

 

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain. 

 

Man: So what happened then? 

 

Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left. 

 

Man: and then? 

 

Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket. 

 

Man: Again? 

 

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain. 

 

Man: So, what did you do then? 

 

Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right. 

 

Man: and then? 

 

Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail. 

 

Man: Hmmm 

 

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain. 

 

Man: So, what did you do? 

 

Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in...

[Fxxx the SPFL]

I’m not a Gynaecologist but happy to have a look 👀 

[JudyJudyJudy]

On 04/09/2022 at 15:37, Smithee said:

This woman's marriage is flagging in the bedroom, so she goes to the tattoo shop, and at the top of each thigh, on the inside, she gets a portrait of Robbo on the right, and on the left, one of Rudi, for her Jambo husband.

 

When it comes to the end of the next date night, she tells him she's not wearing any knickers, leave the lights on, and reveals the artwork in all its glory.

 

 

"Do you know who they are?" She asks

 

"I'm no sure about the two on the sides but the one in the middle's Tam McManus"

 

 

 

 

(An old one that I've changed from Off the Ball today, but it made me laugh)

I don’t get it 

On 19/09/2022 at 21:35, RobNox said:

My next door neighbour came to the door and accused me of stealing underwear from her washing line.  I was absolutely horrified, in fact I almost shat her pants.

 

[JudyJudyJudy]

[RobNox]

1 hour ago, JudyJudyJudy said:

 

Ha, Olive from On the Buses, played by Anna Karen, who it turns out was actually a bit of a looker

 

 

[Unknown user]

1 hour ago, JudyJudyJudy said:

I don’t get it 

 

 

Tam McManus is a *****

[JudyJudyJudy]

9 hours ago, RobNox said:

Ha, Olive from On the Buses, played by Anna Karen, who it turns out was actually a bit of a looker

 

 

Still woodnae 

[Dawnrazor]

7 minutes ago, JudyJudyJudy said:

Still woodnae 

🤣🤣

[JudyJudyJudy]

Just now, Dawnrazor said:

🤣🤣

Much preferred a vulumptious woman like Diana dors 

[Dawnrazor]

Just now, JudyJudyJudy said:

Much preferred a vulumptious woman like Diana dors 

She was a looker in her day.

[JudyJudyJudy]

Just now, Dawnrazor said:

She was a looker in her day.

And when older , a beautiful person inside and out and did far too young 

[FWJ]

She was born in Swindon as “Diana Fl*ck”

There’s a famous story, apocryphal I’m sure, that she was guest of honour opening a church fête in her home town.  The vicar, wanted to use her home-town name but his nerves got the better of him and introduced her to the crowd as “Miss Diana Clunt”

Edited September 23, 2022 by FWJ

[rudi must stay]

Did you hear Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles played each other at tennis?

 

It was endless love 

[superjack]

I was taking my new girlfriend to see my folks at the weekend when we got a flat tyre on the girlfriends car. 

I phoned my mother saying well be a bit late as my girlfriend has a puncture. My mother says "and there was me thinking you had a real girlfriend this time".

[Dawnrazor]

These so called "Speed Bumps" are rubbish, if anything they slow you down. 

Edited September 27, 2022 by Dawnrazor

[superjack]

What is the 1 certainty you have if you're an IVF child?

Knowing your dad's a w@nker.

 

Forgot to add, my daughter is an IVF child (well adult now) and says she always knew this, even before she knew that she was an IVF child.

Edited September 28, 2022 by superjack

[superjack]

Apparently Coolio died from an overdose of sausage rolls and pasties.

He was living in a Ginster’s Paradise.

[ri Alban]

1 hour ago, superjack said:

Apparently Coolio died from an overdose of sausage rolls and pasties.

He was living in a Ginster’s Paradise.

You could have waited til he was a bit more Coolio.

[rudi must stay]

2 packets of crisps walking down a street.

 

Police notices them "ah excuse me it's raining do you want a lift" 

 

"No thanks we're Walkers"

[rudi must stay]

Hibs have signed a New German Goalkeeper

 

Careless Hans 

[¼½¾]

My mate's bought his wife a diamond encrusted solid gold dildo for her birthday. I think he must be going soft in his old age.

[ri Alban]

 

[Watt-Zeefuik]

[Jamstomorrow]

9 hours ago, Led Tasso said:

Haha.   It took a wee while, but I got there in the end.   

[ri Alban]

2 hours ago, Jamstomorrow said:

Haha.   It took a wee while, but I got there in the end.   

I'll be Bach. 🤣

[Jambo_jim2001]

Victoria Fritz on BBC breakfast news is now using her married name Victoria valentine..all good so far, but FFS don't Google Victoria Valentine BBC images  like I did when my Mrs was present 😳😳😳 true story btw....turns out there is a porn actress with that name..🤣🤣🤣

Edited October 27, 2022 by Jambo_jim2001

[Dawnrazor]

1 minute ago, Jambo_jim2001 said:

Victoria Fritz on BBC breakfast news is now using her married name Victoria valentine..all good so far, but FFS don't Google Victoria Valentine BBC images  like I did when my Mrs was present 😳😳😳 true story btw....

🤣

[milky_26]

2 minutes ago, Jambo_jim2001 said:

Victoria Fritz on BBC breakfast news is now using her married name Victoria valentine..all good so far, but FFS don't Google Victoria Valentine BBC images  like I did when my Mrs was present 😳😳😳 true story btw....

she is using her mothers maiden name because of the breakdown of her marriage

[Jambo_jim2001]

7 minutes ago, milky_26 said:

she is using her mothers maiden name because of the breakdown of her marriage

Really😳😳 didn't help me though🤣 I was saying to myself I'm sure that's Fritz,so googled her new surname😳😳🤣 WTAF😳😳😳 

[superjack]

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just passing by. 
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a West End star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died. I'm married to his f*****g widow."

[Greedy Jambo]

Stephen Hawkings goes on a date, comes back covered in bruises, turns out she stood him up. 

[Der Kaiser]

On 27/10/2022 at 15:00, Jamstomorrow said:

Haha.   It took a wee while, but I got there in the end.   

 

I'm going to sound crazy here....but I made that joke up in 1990 at school and told it to folk in my class.

 

I know that sounds nuts. But I did.

I'm legitimately claiming the credit for the joke.....an obvious one sure.....but I'm telling you all....that's my joke.

[Dick Dastardly]

7 minutes ago, Der Kaiser said:

 

I'm going to sound crazy here....but I made that joke up in 1990 at school and told it to folk in my class.

 

I know that sounds nuts. But I did.

I'm legitimately claiming the credit for the joke.....an obvious one sure.....but I'm telling you all....that's my joke.

Did you write it down? Anywhere? On paper? in a liszt? Its maybe haydn somewhere 

 

 

I'll get my coat

[redjambo]

10 minutes ago, Der Kaiser said:

 

I'm going to sound crazy here....but I made that joke up in 1990 at school and told it to folk in my class.

 

I know that sounds nuts. But I did.

I'm legitimately claiming the credit for the joke.....an obvious one sure.....but I'm telling you all....that's my joke.

 

It makes little sense as a Scot though as we tend to pronounce the composer the way it should be pronounced rather than as "Back". Are you English?

[Dick Dastardly]

1 minute ago, jonesy said:

While you've got your coat on, maybe you could pick up some chopin? Or stop in at your local for a pint and some bar tok?

A pint sounds good, after all I'm only schumann

[redjambo]

10 minutes ago, jonesy said:

While you've got your coat on, maybe you could pick up some chopin? Or stop in at your local for a pint and some bar tok?

 

Or stop off at Griegs for a pie.

[Dick Dastardly]

45 minutes ago, redjambo said:

 

It makes little sense as a Scot though as we tend to pronounce the composer the way it should be pronounced rather than as "Back". Are you English?

I think it's meant to be said in a really poor Austrian accent 

[Dick Dastardly]

26 minutes ago, redjambo said:

 

Or stop off at Griegs for a pie.

👏 👏 👏 

[Der Kaiser]

45 minutes ago, redjambo said:

 

It makes little sense as a Scot though as we tend to pronounce the composer the way it should be pronounced rather than as "Back". Are you English?

 

[redjambo]

6 minutes ago, Der Kaiser said:

 

 

I'll take that as a

 

[Dick Dastardly]

6 minutes ago, jonesy said:

I don't know how to do a poor Austrian accent. I can, however, make myself understood in Viennese dialect if you want me to give it a whirl?

Could you ried it out? 

[HeartsandonlyHearts]

On 27/10/2022 at 16:51, Jambo_jim2001 said:

Victoria Fritz on BBC breakfast news is now using her married name Victoria valentine..all good so far, but FFS don't Google Victoria Valentine BBC images  like I did when my Mrs was present 😳😳😳 true story btw....turns out there is a porn actress with that name..🤣🤣🤣

I think you made that story up but I’ll check anyway just to confirm. 👍🏻

[HeartsandonlyHearts]

1 hour ago, Dick Dastardly said:

I think it's meant to be said in a really poor Austrian accent 

G’day mate…

[ri Alban]

Delete page. 

[Watt-Zeefuik]

3 hours ago, redjambo said:

 

Or stop off at Griegs for a pie.

Y’all can stop off at my place and I’ll make lattes. I’m just an amateur at it but I promise I’ll put in a prokofiev-fort.

[A Boy Named Crow]

1 hour ago, ri Alban said:

Delete page. 

You can't just waltz in here making demands like that!

[ri Alban]

32 minutes ago, A Boy Named Crow said:

You can't just waltz in here making demands like that!

Thanks not strictly true.

[A Boy Named Crow]

1 hour ago, ri Alban said:

Thanks not strictly true.

You're right,  but it takes two to tango 

[ri Alban]

1 hour ago, A Boy Named Crow said:

You're right,  but it takes two to tango