Unashamedly crap jokes (some are pure gold!)

[Watt-Zeefuik]

Today is apparently "Tell an old joke day"

 

https://www.daysoftheyear.com/days/tell-an-old-joke-day/

 

Begin.

[Maple Leaf]

It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' center.

After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist!

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.
"Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude.

The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket; a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.
"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.
"It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations" said Claude.

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting
"Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ----Watch the watch"

The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth.
The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces.
A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.

They were hypnotized.

And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!
The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact"

"SHIT" said Claude.


It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens' Center and Claude was never invited there again.

[rudi must stay]

Which footballer built an ark

 

Victor Moses

[superjack]

Which footballing God had extremely bad manners?

 

Rude skacel.

[Maple Leaf]

2 hours ago, rudi must stay said:

Which footballer built an ark

 

Victor Moses

Is there no footballer called Noah?

[Boof]

9 minutes ago, Maple Leaf said:

Is there no footballer called Noah?

 

Noah Deeyah?

[Tazio]

3 hours ago, Maple Leaf said:

Is there no footballer called Noah?

Noah Didnae. 

[Maple Leaf]

6 minutes ago, Tazio said:

Noah Didnae. 

[ƒιѕнρℓαρѕ]

On 24/03/2023 at 14:17, Led Tasso said:

 

I realize it's because I'm a damned American hick but I had to read that six times out loud to figure it out. Nice one though.

 

On 24/03/2023 at 16:18, milky_26 said:

which words were you pronouncing wrong?

 

On 24/03/2023 at 17:30, Led Tasso said:

 

Just tired, and it took me a bit to remember the fact that it was Wales and that Aberystwyth was a place there.

 

Sorry, but just catching up, and lol

[ƒιѕнρℓαρѕ]

8 hours ago, Maple Leaf said:

Is there no footballer called Noah?

Noah Cricketer?

[Watt-Zeefuik]

I hear the UK is sending a battalion of highland pipers to train Ukrainian troops. It's the latest in drone warfare.

[superjack]

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession.

 

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: 'Father ... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.' The priest replied: 'That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that.'

 

'There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.'

 

The priest said, 'That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.'

 

'Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question.'

 

'And what is that?' asked the priest.

 

'Should I tell her the war is over?''

[rudi must stay]

What was gold fingers favourite food

 

Golden asparagus 

[JudyJudyJudy]

Sylvester Stallone is in talks to make a new Rocky movie. In this one he will fight arthritis.

[The Real Maroonblood]

You can now get Viagra eye drops.

It makes you look hard.

[JudyJudyJudy]

Three elderly women are talking about their troubles.
“Sixty is the worst age to be,” said Ruth, the 60-year-old, “You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time nothing happens.”
“Ah, that’s nothing,” said the 70-year-old, Maxine. “When you’re 70, you don’t have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothing happens.”
“Actually,” said Gilda, the 80-year-old, “Eighty is the worst age of all.”
“Do you have trouble peeing too?” asked Ruth.
“No, I pee every morning at 6 a.m. I pee like a racehorse; no problem at all.”
“Do you have trouble with your bowel movements?” Maxine questioned.
“No, I have one every morning at 6:30 a.m,” Gilda responded.
Puzzled with this, Ruth said, “Let’s get this straight. You pee every morning at 6 a.m. and poop every morning at 6:30 a.m. So what’s so tough about being 80?”
“I don’t wake up until 7.”

[superjack]

I was following an ambulance on the outskirts of Edinburgh when I noticed a small metal box sitting on the rear bumper. When the ambulance turned right, the box flew off and landed on the side of the road against the kerb. Call me curious or just the Good Samaritan that I am, I pulled over and retrieved it. When I opened the box there was a human toe packed in ice inside it. “Woops , that’s a serious mistake” I thought, so unsure if the ambulance was going to The Royal Infirmary I called the A&E Dept and explained what I had found. The lady on the other end of the phone said “Yes, the ambulance had just arrived minus the box”. I gave her my location and asked if they were going to send another ambulance to collect it?
The lady replied
“No, we’ll just send a toe truck”.

[Dick Dastardly]

My fiancées dad was adamant that we should have sex until after marriage which was a shame as i thought he was quite handsome. 

[Morgan]

2 hours ago, Dick Dastardly said:

My fiancées dad was adamant that we should have sex until after marriage which was a shame as i thought he was quite handsome. 

That was not very good advice from your fiancées dad.

 

It would have been much more responsible from him to suggest no sex until after the marriage.

 

Nowadays though, anything goes.  😎

[Dick Dastardly]

8 hours ago, Morgan said:

That was not very good advice from your fiancées dad.

 

It would have been much more responsible from him to suggest no sex until after the marriage.

 

Nowadays though, anything goes.  😎

F@#k it again! That's what you get for typing in the rain. 🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️

[132goals1958]

[Bauld]

[rudi must stay]

Did you hear about the gay albatross

 

He met his match

[superjack]

A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and paperwork, and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skilful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"

"The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the exhaust pipe, which I've never seen done in my entire career"

[Maple Leaf]

7 hours ago, superjack said:

A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and paperwork, and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skilful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"

"The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the exhaust pipe, which I've never seen done in my entire career"

This falls into the "pure gold" category. 

[cookieboy]

On 17/08/2023 at 12:09, Bauld said:

🤣

[superjack]

A kid came up to me the other day and asked "What's your favority Telly Tubby?" 
I said "Probably the new Samsung widescreen, you cheeky little twat"!

[superjack]

If you sneeze and fart at the same time, does your body take a screenshot?

[rudi must stay]

What's the capital of France

 

F

[Ulysses]

On 20/08/2023 at 15:02, superjack said:

If you sneeze and fart at the same time, does your body take a screenshot?

 

Underrated joke, IMO.

[John Findlay]

I once went out with a Zookeeper. Turned out she was a Cheetah.

 

 

[John Findlay]

[redjambo]

1 hour ago, John Findlay said:

I once went out with a Zookeeper. Turned out she was a Cheetah.

 

 

 

I once went out with a zookeeper. She was always having a giraffe.

[John Findlay]

16 minutes ago, redjambo said:

 

I once went out with a zookeeper. She was always having a giraffe.

Keep that for next year, and win best joke at the Fringe.

[RobboM]

I went out with a zookeeper. Turned out he was lion

[RobboM]

I went out with a zookeeper
I said "Wow, what does it pay? What are the hours? What are the perks? What do they eat? How do they sleep? When do you start?"
She said not to Gorilla

[Jeff]

I once went out with a zookeeper who worked in a zoo which only housed one breed of dog.

 

He left me to join Isis

Edited August 22, 2023 by Jeff

[henrysmithsgloves]

On 01/08/2023 at 23:04, The Real Maroonblood said:

You can now get Viagra eye drops.

It makes you look hard.

In pill form too..... swallow fast..... incase you get a stiff neck😥

[redjambo]

1 hour ago, John Findlay said:

Keep that for next year, and win best joke at the Fringe.

 

It'll be a skoosh, John.

[Swanny17]

I once went out with a zookeeper. Turns out she was a parrot. 

 

I once went out with a zookeeper. Turns out she was a parrot. 

 

[¼½¾]

I once went out with a South African girl, who said she was a zoo kipper. If it wasn't for the smell, I'd have questioned my hearing.

[Kalamazoo Jambo]

I dated a zookeeper once, but we could never get past the elephant in the room.

[Kalamazoo Jambo]

1 hour ago, Jeff said:

I once went out with a zookeeper who worked in a zoo which only housed one breed of dog.

 

He left me to join Isis

 

[Jeff]

I dated a zookeeper once and I accidentally sucked his croc

[redjambo]

I dated a female zookeeper in Munich once but I could never get past zebra.

[John Findlay]

47 minutes ago, Jim_Duncan said:

I once dated a zoo. 

You filthy animal😉

[JudyJudyJudy]

2 hours ago, redjambo said:

I dated a female zookeeper in Munich once but I could never get past zebra.

Oh ffs 🤦‍♀️ thata a groaner 

[JudyJudyJudy]

I dated King Kong . He wasn’t . 

[JudyJudyJudy]

5 hours ago, RobboM said:

I went out with a zookeeper
I said "Wow, what does it pay? What are the hours? What are the perks? What do they eat? How do they sleep? When do you start?"
She said not to Gorilla

That made me chuckle . I like daft humour like that 

[superjack]

I was once a zookeeper. I hated it. Everyone on kickback claimed they pumped me.