Unashamedly crap jokes (some are pure gold!)

[henrysmithsgloves]

What's the difference between a penis and a chicken leg????

Spoiler

Want to come on a picnic??

 

Edited August 22, 2023 by henrysmithsgloves

[Maple Leaf]

I've just realised that the last day of this year will be 123123.

 

This is not a crap joke.  It isn't even a joke.  🤷‍♂️

[superjack]

32 minutes ago, Maple Leaf said:

I've just realised that the last day of this year will be 123123.

 

This is not a crap joke.  It isn't even a joke.  🤷‍♂️

What, it will be the 12th day of the 31st month?😉

[rudi must stay]

Did you hear about Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder's tennis match?

 

It was endless love

 

Close the thread best joke by a mile

[Tazio]

I remembered this classic yesterday. 
 

Why does Noddy have a bell on his hat? 
 

‘Cos he’s a *****. 

Edited August 23, 2023 by Tazio
For full effect the starred out word starts with a C

[Maple Leaf]

19 minutes ago, superjack said:

What, it will be the 12th day of the 31st month?😉

Yeah, I thought about that.  North American format for the date.  Booo.

[Boof]

3 hours ago, Maple Leaf said:

Yeah, I thought about that.  North American format for the date.  Booo.

 

What? I thought Canadians used the sensible DD/MM/YYYY format?

[Maple Leaf]

11 minutes ago, Boof said:

 

What? I thought Canadians used the sensible DD/MM/YYYY format?

Because we're so closely linked with our weird neighbours to the south, we flop back and forward over things like spelling, metric or imperial measures ... and date format.

 

It's very confusing. 

[Boof]

4 minutes ago, Maple Leaf said:

Because we're so closely linked with our weird neighbours to the south, we flop back and forward over things like spelling, metric or imperial measures ... and date format.

 

It's very confusing. 

 

I'd just leave them to their idiosyncrasies!

 

Please tell me Z is pronounced zed...

[Morgan]

5 hours ago, rudi must stay said:

Did you hear about Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder's tennis match?

 

It was endless love

 

Close the thread best joke by a mile

It’s really not.

[Tazio]

5 hours ago, rudi must stay said:

Did you hear about Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder's tennis match?

 

It was endless love

 

Close the thread best joke by a mile

My wife left me for her tennis coach. Love means nothing to her. 

[Kalamazoo Jambo]

4 hours ago, Maple Leaf said:

Because we're so closely linked with our weird neighbours to the south, we flop back and forward over things like spelling, metric or imperial measures ... and date format.

 

It's very confusing. 

At least Americans are consistent about this stuff 7/24.

[Maple Leaf]

7 hours ago, Boof said:

 

I'd just leave them to their idiosyncrasies!

 

Please tell me Z is pronounced zed...

For sure.  And buoy is pronounced 'boy', not 'boo-y'

[superjack]

2 hours ago, Maple Leaf said:

For sure.  And buoy is pronounced 'boy', not 'boo-y'

To be fair, up on the islands here, a lot of folk pronounce it boo-y.

[Dick Dastardly]

On 22/08/2023 at 20:43, superjack said:

I was once a zookeeper. I hated it. Everyone on kickback claimed they pumped me.

👏 👏 👏 👏 

[milky_26]

5 hours ago, superjack said:

To be fair, up on the islands here, a lot of folk pronounce it boo-y.

They just want scare you in a friendly way 

[superjack]

1 hour ago, milky_26 said:

They just want scare you in a friendly way 

Not at all, they scare me in a bad way!

[superjack]

Ben Kensel is in Asda and notices a wee old lady struggling to reach the cornflakes . 
“Can you manage ?” He asks
“Piss off i dont want the Hibs job “
She replies

[Jamstomorrow]

On 24/08/2023 at 04:42, Maple Leaf said:

For sure.  And buoy is pronounced 'boy', not 'boo-y'

And what is with solder?  Soder!!!    Wtf!

[Maple Leaf]

1 hour ago, Jamstomorrow said:

And what is with solder?  Soder!!!    Wtf!

Almost as bad as aluminum. Bloody colonials.

[Watt-Zeefuik]

1 hour ago, Maple Leaf said:

Almost as bad as aluminum. Bloody colonials.

 

No idea where TF y'all find that extra syllable in there.

[ƒιѕнρℓαρѕ]

24 minutes ago, Led Tasso said:

 

No idea where TF y'all find that extra syllable in there.

 

What's condo short for?

 

(And don't say he's only got wee legs!)

[henrysmithsgloves]

Where did Caesar keep his armies???

Spoiler

Up his sleevees😔

 

[Watt-Zeefuik]

12 minutes ago, Smithee said:

 

What's condo short for?

 

(And don't say he's only got wee legs!)

 

Condominium has an "I" as the third to last letter. Aluminum doesn't.

 

(or maybe there's a pun here that I'm missing?)

[Watt-Zeefuik]

True story, this evening my mother called and asked if I could talk for a minute.

 

I said "I'll try" but only made it about 40 seconds before I ran out of stuff to say.

[ƒιѕнρℓαρѕ]

31 minutes ago, Led Tasso said:

 

Condominium has an "I" as the third to last letter. Aluminum doesn't.

 

(or maybe there's a pun here that I'm missing?)

Aluminium does

[ri Alban]

2 hours ago, Led Tasso said:

 

 

 

2 hours ago, Led Tasso said:

 

Condominium has an "I" as the third to last letter. Aluminum doesn't.

 

(or maybe there's a pun here that I'm missing?)

So does Aluminium. 

Edited August 29, 2023 by ri Alban

[ri Alban]

On 23/08/2023 at 16:36, rudi must stay said:

Did you hear about Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder's tennis match?

 

It was endless love

 

Close the thread best joke by a mile

Dis you hear about Stevie wonder and the cheese grater? Best book he's ever read.

[ri Alban]

On 24/08/2023 at 04:42, Maple Leaf said:

For sure.  And buoy is pronounced 'boy', not 'boo-y'

Some still say aboot, the good auld Scottish version with a different accent, do they not?

[ri Alban]

Always wondered why they used z instead of s in words like organise. Then found out these islands used it, at the time the people started sailing over there. It's planet of the Apes all over again.

[Maple Leaf]

4 minutes ago, ri Alban said:

Some still say aboot, the good auld Scottish version with a different accent, do they not?

That's one of the greatest myths that Americans have about Canadians.  I've never heard a Canadian say 'aboot'.  I've no idea how that got started.

[ri Alban]

4 minutes ago, Maple Leaf said:

That's one of the greatest myths that Americans have about Canadians.  I've never heard a Canadian say 'aboot'.  I've no idea how that got started.

It's pretty close

[Maple Leaf]

7 minutes ago, ri Alban said:

It's pretty close

Nah.  He's having a laugh.  It's 'abowt'.  

[ri Alban]

7 minutes ago, Maple Leaf said:

Nah.  He's having a laugh.  It's 'abowt'.  

Just find him quite funny.  Needed a reason to post it.

 

 

[Watt-Zeefuik]

3 hours ago, Smithee said:

Aluminium does

Because y'all changed it in the 19th century. Aluminum is the original English spelling.

[ri Alban]

2 minutes ago, Led Tasso said:

Because y'all changed it in the 19th century. Aluminum is the original English spelling.

We're Scottish and we didn't change anything. 👍

[ri Alban]

3 minutes ago, Led Tasso said:

Because y'all changed it in the 19th century. Aluminum is the original English spelling.

 

41 minutes ago, ri Alban said:

Always wondered why they used z instead of s in words like organise. Then found out these islands used it, at the time the people started sailing over there. It's planet of the Apes all over again.

I was kind of hinting,  bud. 😃

[superjack]

A man walks into a library and says, "Hey arsehole, I want an effing book about learning ******* Spanish."
The librarian says, "There's no need for that language!"
He says, "You're probably right, the ^^^^* all speak English anyway."

[Boof]

1 hour ago, Led Tasso said:

Because y'all changed it in the 19th century. Aluminum is the original English spelling.

 

So how's about Helium, Lithium, Beryllium, Sodium, Magnesium, Potassium, Calcium and a whole load of et ceteras. Even Americium and Californium.  

 

 

[redjambo]

1 hour ago, Led Tasso said:

Because y'all changed it in the 19th century. Aluminum is the original English spelling.

 

Indeed.

 

https://www.etymonline.com/search?q=aluminum

 

aluminum (n.)

1812, coined by English chemist Sir Humphry Davy, from alumina, alumine, the name given by French chemists late 18c. to aluminum oxide, from Latin alumen "alum" (see alum). Davy originally called it alumium (1808), then amended this to aluminum, which remains the U.S. word. British editors in 1812 further amended it to aluminium, the modern preferred British form, to better harmonize with other metallic element names (sodium, potassium, etc.).

[superjack]

There are 10 kinds of people in this world; those who understand binary, and those who don't.

[I P Knightley]

6 hours ago, redjambo said:

 

Indeed.

 

https://www.etymonline.com/search?q=aluminum

 

aluminum (n.)

1812, coined by English chemist Sir Humphry Davy, from alumina, alumine, the name given by French chemists late 18c. to aluminum oxide, from Latin alumen "alum" (see alum). Davy originally called it alumium (1808), then amended this to aluminum, which remains the U.S. word. British editors in 1812 further amended it to aluminium, the modern preferred British form, to better harmonize with other metallic element names (sodium, potassium, etc.).

How nice to know that it was done to harmonise!

 

(I'd have gone with 'rhyme').

[Pans Jambo]

On 23/08/2023 at 15:57, Maple Leaf said:

I've just realised that the last day of this year will be 123123.

 

This is not a crap joke.  It isn't even a joke.  🤷‍♂️

Naw mate, It'll be 311223

[Maple Leaf]

58 minutes ago, Pans Jambo said:

Naw mate, It'll be 311223

Yeah, that's been pointed out to me. 

 

 

Thankfully I posted in the "crap joke" thread.  

[HeartsandonlyHearts]

15 hours ago, Led Tasso said:

 

Condominium has an "I" as the third to last letter. Aluminum doesn't.

 

(or maybe there's a pun here that I'm missing?)

Aluminum is spelt aluminium.

[Watt-Zeefuik]

9 minutes ago, HeartsandonlyHearts said:

Aluminum is spelt aluminium.

Not originally it wasn't.

[HeartsandonlyHearts]

49 minutes ago, Led Tasso said:

Not originally it wasn't.

I saw that after I posted. 🗽

[Watt-Zeefuik]

7 hours ago, superjack said:

There are 10 kinds of people in this world; those who understand binary, and those who don't.

 

I told someone this joke to someone and they thought it I was being serious, but it was a bit.

Edited August 29, 2023 by Led Tasso

[Ulysses]

9 hours ago, superjack said:

There are 10 kinds of people in this world; those who understand binary, and those who don't.

 

1 hour ago, Led Tasso said:

 

I told someone this joke to someone and they thought it I was being serious, but it was a bit.

 

It probably works better in print.

[Watt-Zeefuik]

4 hours ago, Ulysses said:

 

 

It probably works better in print.

 

My followup is supposed to be a joke too. It may be a crap joke, but I'm not ashamed.