Unashamedly crap jokes (some are pure gold!)

[RobNox]

On 15/11/2022 at 17:16, Led Tasso said:

Most successful musicians will tell you there's a whole category of people who are mostly talentless, lazy schlubs but who end up glomming on to various bands and following them around and going to all their concerts, consuming extra food and drink, and generally just making a nuisance of themselves. They're called "bass players."

What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?

 

You only have to punch the instructions into the drum machine once.

[Tazio]

14 minutes ago, RobNox said:

What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?

 

You only have to punch the instructions into the drum machine once.

How can you tell when the stage is level? The drummer drools out of both sides of his mouth. 

[henrysmithsgloves]

What do you call a dog with no tongue......

Spoiler

Smelly balls 🥺

 

[Watt-Zeefuik]

This one's probably been done but got reminded of it the other day.

 

I had a dream last night that I was in a boat on a giant ocean of orange soda.

 

Wasn't real though. It was a Fanta sea.

[Watt-Zeefuik]

Haven't been able to smell anything since I got neurological damage in my nose from my job at the run-down volatile chemicals plant. Tried to talk to the manager about it, he said there's no bit of the nervous system in the nose anyway, so I must be making it up.

 

The ol' factory nerve!

Edited January 23, 2023 by Led Tasso

[Watt-Zeefuik]

How did the hacker get away from the police?

 

She ransomware.

[superjack]

Girl : "Forgive me father for I have sinned."

 

Priest : "What have you done my child?"

 

Girl : "I called a man a son of a bitch."

 

Priest : "Why did you call him a son of a

bitch?"

 

Girl : "Because he touched my hand."

 

Priest : "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)

 

Girl : "Yes father."

 

Priest : "That's no reason to call a man a son

of a bitch."

 

Girl : "Then he touched my breast."

 

Priest : "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)

 

Girl : "Yes father."

 

Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a

bitch."

 

Girl : "Then he took off my clothes, father."

 

Priest : "Like this?" (as he takes off her

clothes)

 

Girl : "Yes father."

 

Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a

bitch."

 

Girl : "Then he stuck his you know what into

my you know where."

 

Priest : "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know

what into her you know where)

Girl : "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES

FATHER!!!"

 

(after a few minutes)

 

Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a

bitch."

 

Girl : "But father,he had AIDS!"

 

Priest : "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"

[rudi must stay]

so I saw the new Silent Witness. It was a surpise that comedy was the killer

[Dick Dastardly]

I was writing a book about my rapid decline into madness. Then i lost the plot. 

[Maple Leaf]

I read recently that 90% of the population are stupid.

 

I'm glad that I'm in the other 20%.

[Dick Dastardly]

My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

[Costanza]

Saw this on a thread on Fesshole and it made me laugh, so here it is.

 

My Grandad told me that if I ever get into a proper fight, the best thing to do is put a snooker ball inside a sock. Worst advice ever. I could barely walk.

[superjack]

A teacher says to her class “there are 4 crows on a fence, the farmer shoots 1, how many are left?”

Little Jonny says none miss. The teacher says that’s wrong, Jonny says he is right so the teacher asks him to explain. He says the farmer shoots 1 and the rest fly away. Teacher says “that is not really the right answer but I like the way you think”.

Jonny then says “can I ask you a question miss?”

Teacher says yes, so Jonny says “there are 3 woman in an ice cream parlour. 1 is licking, 1 is biting and 1 is sucking her ice cream cone. Which 1 is married?”

Teacher says the one sucking her ice cream. Jonny says “no miss, the 1 with the wedding ring on but I like the way you think”!

[Unknown user]

Why do women wear makeup and perfume?

 

They're ugly, and smelly.

[superjack]

There’s been a local smack head called Cal breaking into houses around the area but the police have been unable to catch him.

He was breaking into people’s homes, robbing them of everything he could find before putting a brick in their washing machine and turning it on before leaving!

Well, I’ve just been informed that he’s passed away after a drug overdose!

Sadly it’s never a nice thing for someone to die in any circumstance, but at least washing machines will live longer with Cal gone!!

[superjack]

Three little ducks go into a Bar. 

"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck. 

"Huey," was the reply. 

"How's your day been, Huey?" 

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey. 

"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. 

He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?" 

"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two. 

"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked. 

"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?" 

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?" 

"No," she said, batting her eyelashes. 

"My name is Puddles & don't you dare ask me how my day has been!"

[dougal]

Just got my wife a great Valentines present. A hot air balloon trip across America. 

 

 

Romantic table for two booked for tonight. I hope she does better than last time - she only potted three reds.

 

[Dawnrazor]

My Wife suffers from Polycystic ovary syndrome, it causes low sex drive, wild mood swings, weight gain.......it's very hard to diagnose.

[Watt-Zeefuik]

(The punchline on this one only makes sense read out loud)

 

A wild mountain lion with rabies was reported near our town. A friend of mine went out and stalked it and shot it. He was really proud and wanted it stuffed and mounted on the wall.

 

Unfortunately the taxidermist was drunk or pulling a prank or something, because he just mounted the backside of the cougar, not the front. Just a catastrophe.

[Dawnrazor]

A school teacher asked her students to make a sentence containing the expression “I presume”.

One little girl held up her hand and said: “Yesterday my mother hand washed the dinner dishes and

I presumed that the dishwasher was broken.”

“Very good” said the teacher.

Another one said: “This morning, my father drove the Volkswagen out of the garage, I presume that

the BMW wouldn’t start.”

“That’s excellent” says the teacher.

Little Johnny at the back of the classroom gets up and says: “Yesterday I saw grandpa leave

the house with a newspaper under his arm and headed for the bushes, I presume that.......”

The teacher interrupted him and said, “I stopped you because you have no idea

what your grandfather was going to do, so you can’t presume anything.”

Johnny says, “Please Teacher, let me finish my sentence.” 

The teacher says, “Very well. Continue.”

“As I was saying, I saw my grandpa heading for the bushes with a newspaper under his arm.

I presume he was going for a shit because he can’t read.”

[highlandjambo3]

Hope this hasn’t been posted before……….

 

Husband and wife pop into a restaurant for a meal…..after a couple of minutes the wife excuses herself for a bathroom break and the husband continues to read the menu.  A short while later the waiter arrives and asks to take their order, he says to the husband “do you know what your wife is having?”, the husband replies “well she’s been gone 10 minutes so I’d imagine it’s a shite” 😁

Edited February 19, 2023 by highlandjambo3

[Daktari]

On 21/01/2023 at 22:37, Tazio said:

How can you tell when the stage is level? The drummer drools out of both sides of his mouth. 

How do you know when there's a drummer at your front door?

 

The knocking gets slower.......

[Daktari]

What's the difference between bagpipes and grapes?

 

You take your shoes off to trample grapes...

[Daktari]

How many roadies does it take to change a lightbulb?

 

1-2, 1-2...

[Watt-Zeefuik]

I don't mean to brag but I just finished a puzzle in one day, and the box said 2-4 years.

[Tazio]

6 minutes ago, Daktari said:

How many roadies does it take to change a lightbulb?

 

1-2, 1-2...

I’ve a Polish friend who’s a sound engineer. And a Czech one too. 

[Tazio]

8 minutes ago, Daktari said:

What's the difference between bagpipes and grapes?

 

You take your shoes off to trample grapes...

What’s the definition of a gentleman? 
Someone who can play the accordion but chooses not to. 

[Tazio]

9 minutes ago, Daktari said:

How do you know when there's a drummer at your front door?

 

The knocking gets slower.......

How can you tell when a lead guitarist is at your door? 
He’s late coming in and has the wrong key. 

[redjambo]

2 minutes ago, Tazio said:

I’ve a Polish friend who’s a sound engineer. And a Czech one too. 

 

Must remember that one.

[JudyJudyJudy]

4 minutes ago, redjambo said:

 

Must remember that one.

Who’s the nicest guy in a hospital ? 
 

the ultra sound guy 😎

[JudyJudyJudy]

34 minutes ago, highlandjambo3 said:

Hope this hasn’t been posted before……….

 

Husband and wife pop into a restaurant for a meal…..after a couple of minutes the wife excuses herself for a bathroom break and the husband continues to read the menu.  A short while later the waiter arrives and asks to take their order, he says to the husband “do you know what your wife is having?”, the husband replies “well she’s been gone 10 minutes so I’d imagine it’s a shite” 😁

😂😂

[Dawnrazor]

4 minutes ago, jonesy said:

I was walking past the insane asylum the other day, and from over the wall I could hear them all chanting "21! 21!"

 

They sounded like they were having a great time, so I walked along a little more and took a look through a hole in the wall to see what the fun was all about.

 

That was when one of them jammed his willy through the hole and into my eye.

 

"22! 22!" Was all I could hear as I fled the scene.

I bet you were 22 through 47 as well ya dirty bugger!!

[JudyJudyJudy]

1 minute ago, jonesy said:

They're shouting "9,467" at the moment and @JudyJudyJudy is out selling tickets.

😂😂

[JudyJudyJudy]

54 minutes ago, jonesy said:

 

Colleagues Jim and John end up having to share a bed while on a sales trip to a town with only one hotel room left.

 

"Sorry to tell you that I snore very loudly," said Jim as they were getting ready for sleep.

 

"That's okay, darling," said John, before kissing Jim on the cheek.

 

Jim made his way to the chair in the corner of the room where he stayed awake all night.

 

[I P Knightley]

4 hours ago, JudyJudyJudy said:

Who’s the nicest guy in a hospital ? 
 

the ultra sound guy 😎

Not as groovy as the guy who's taking over from him when he leaves.

 

He's the hip replacement guy.

[redjambo]

There was a woman who was interested in getting a boob job, so she went to her doctor, Dr. Smith, and questioned him about implants.
He explained that, before you do anything too serious, there is a method that has worked for a lot of my patients.
Every morning when you wake up, rub your boobs and say ''Scoobie doobie doobie, give me bigger boobies.''
She did this faithfully for weeks and noticed one day that they actually were getting bigger, she was very impressed. One morning she woke up, late for work and very rushed. By the time she got on the bus she realized that she forgot to go through her routine.
So standing on the bus, while rubbing her boobs she says ''Scoobie doobie doobie, give me bigger boobies''.
The man standing next to her says, ''You go to Dr. Smith?''
''Yes,'' she said, ''how did you know?''
He replies ''Hickory dickory dock!"

[Tazio]

2 minutes ago, redjambo said:

There was a woman who was interested in getting a boob job, so she went to her doctor, Dr. Smith, and questioned him about implants.
He explained that, before you do anything too serious, there is a method that has worked for a lot of my patients.
Every morning when you wake up, rub your boobs and say ''Scoobie doobie doobie, give me bigger boobies.''
She did this faithfully for weeks and noticed one day that they actually were getting bigger, she was very impressed. One morning she woke up, late for work and very rushed. By the time she got on the bus she realized that she forgot to go through her routine.
So standing on the bus, while rubbing her boobs she says ''Scoobie doobie doobie, give me bigger boobies''.
The man standing next to her says, ''You go to Dr. Smith?''
''Yes,'' she said, ''how did you know?''
He replies ''Hickory dickory dock!"

Or the woman that asked her husband for money for a boob job. Instead he suggested that every morning and every night she rubs a couple of sheets of toilet paper between them and they’ll be huge in no time at all. When she asks how is that going to work he replies “not a clue but it’s worked for your arse” 

[JudyJudyJudy]

24 minutes ago, I P Knightley said:

Not as groovy as the guy who's taking over from him when he leaves.

 

He's the hip replacement guy.

😂😂

[JudyJudyJudy]

18 minutes ago, redjambo said:

There was a woman who was interested in getting a boob job, so she went to her doctor, Dr. Smith, and questioned him about implants.
He explained that, before you do anything too serious, there is a method that has worked for a lot of my patients.
Every morning when you wake up, rub your boobs and say ''Scoobie doobie doobie, give me bigger boobies.''
She did this faithfully for weeks and noticed one day that they actually were getting bigger, she was very impressed. One morning she woke up, late for work and very rushed. By the time she got on the bus she realized that she forgot to go through her routine.
So standing on the bus, while rubbing her boobs she says ''Scoobie doobie doobie, give me bigger boobies''.
The man standing next to her says, ''You go to Dr. Smith?''
''Yes,'' she said, ''how did you know?''
He replies ''Hickory dickory dock!"

😂😂

[JudyJudyJudy]

I was going to tell the time travelling joke but you have heard it before 

[redjambo]

24 minutes ago, Tazio said:

Or the woman that asked her husband for money for a boob job. Instead he suggested that every morning and every night she rubs a couple of sheets of toilet paper between them and they’ll be huge in no time at all. When she asks how is that going to work he replies “not a clue but it’s worked for your arse” 

 

[Watt-Zeefuik]

7 hours ago, Tazio said:

How can you tell when a lead guitarist is at your door? 
He’s late coming in and has the wrong key. 

 

What do you call a lead singer who breaks up with his girlfriend?

Homeless.

[rudi must stay]

I saw Morgan's radiographer friend yesterday I told her I hadnt had any x-rays

 

She could see right through me 

[Dick Dastardly]

What's Peter Pans favourite place to eat out? 

Wendy's. 

[superjack]

The postie had been working all day in the pouring rain he was almost finished apart from one last letter he had to deliver, he had to take it two miles down a small country road, by the time he got there he was soaked through, muddy and sore.

He entered the garden, closed the gate and turned round to be greeted by two huge paws landing on his chest. There was a massive 10 stone Rottweiler standing in front of him, he was terrified.

Just then the window of the house opened and a little old lady said. "Don’t worry son just kick his balls."

He Said. "What?"

She said. "Kick his balls he likes that."

This post man had on regulation size 12 safety steel toe cap boots, 18 lace holes and football size studs, he went WALLOP and booted the dog square in the balls.

The dog went. "Yelp, yelp , yellllpppp!" And collapsed with its knees knocking together.

The old lady said. "You're in BIG trouble now!"

He said. "Why?"

She said. "I meant his balls on the grass beside you! Run!

[Maple Leaf]

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different!
The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Susie got pregnant
 

"Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Susie got pregnant again.
Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Susie didn't get pregnant again."

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Susie with me."

[Tazio]

Just got back from my friend's house. Him and his wife are going through a divorce and she was calling around to share the possessions they collected together throughout the years. He asked me to be there to mediate the situation and for some morale support.

Everything was going smoothly. She wanted the TV. My friend obliged as long as he could have the stereo system, which she agreed to. After the sharing of the possessions of the living room and bedrooms, we moved on to the kitchen. On the kitchen worktop was a box of eggs. "I'm having these" she said, aggressively. "No you are not" replied my friend "I bought those yesterday". She reached into the box, took out an egg and chucked it at my friend, catching him square in the face. Welll, that was it. He went to the fridge, took out a big tub of single cream and tipped it over her head. She retaliated by throwing a small bottle of vanilla essence at him. It was carnage, with milk and sugar going everywhere. I left them to it.

I don't know why they can't talk it  through like grown adults. Instead, they are now involved in this messy custardy battle.

 

[132goals1958]

[Watt-Zeefuik]

Old chestnut but fits the bill for this thread.

 

The best golfers always bring along a third sock, just in case they get a hole in one.

[Angel eyes]