A Boy Named Crow Posted October 30, 2022 Share Posted October 30, 2022 4 hours ago, ri Alban said: Honestly, I agonised over whether or not it was too much to end my post with "... and you know when you've been tango'd". Thank you for joining me on my drift 😁 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PortyJambo Posted November 4, 2022 Share Posted November 4, 2022 I have a Polish friend who is a sound technician. And a Czech one too. And a Czech one too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jeff Posted November 4, 2022 Share Posted November 4, 2022 19 minutes ago, PortyJambo said: I have a Polish friend who is a sound technician. And a Czech one too. And a Czech one too. Like that one 😁 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ri Alban Posted November 4, 2022 Share Posted November 4, 2022 On 30/10/2022 at 08:24, A Boy Named Crow said: Honestly, I agonised over whether or not it was too much to end my post with "... and you know when you've been tango'd". Thank you for joining me on my drift 😁 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rudi must stay Posted November 4, 2022 Share Posted November 4, 2022 How many x-rays can you have before you're cropped 10,000 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Frank Posted November 4, 2022 Share Posted November 4, 2022 Why should you never wear Ukrainian underpants? Because Chernobyl fallout. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted November 9, 2022 Share Posted November 9, 2022 Saw an Elbow tribute band last night called Arse. To be honest I couldn’t tell the difference Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dawnrazor Posted November 10, 2022 Share Posted November 10, 2022 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
A Boy Named Crow Posted November 10, 2022 Share Posted November 10, 2022 8 hours ago, Dawnrazor said: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tazio Posted November 10, 2022 Share Posted November 10, 2022 1 minute ago, A Boy Named Crow said: No I’m German, but how did you know my name? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dawnrazor Posted November 10, 2022 Share Posted November 10, 2022 2 minutes ago, Tazio said: No I’m German, but how did you know my name? 2 minutes ago, Tazio said: No I’m German, but how did you know my name? 🤣🤣 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
A Boy Named Crow Posted November 10, 2022 Share Posted November 10, 2022 3 minutes ago, Tazio said: No I’m German, but how did you know my name? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted November 10, 2022 Share Posted November 10, 2022 Waiter: Comfortable? Me: No..... Come for food. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted November 10, 2022 Share Posted November 10, 2022 My brother and I are really competitive when it comes to buying gifts for our mother's sister. This year, my brother bought her a stairlift… He's really upped the Auntie this time! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted November 10, 2022 Share Posted November 10, 2022 To the person who stole my trainers and hi-viz jacket… You can run, but you can't hide! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted November 10, 2022 Share Posted November 10, 2022 My wife has been putting glue all over my rifle collection… She's denying it, but I'm sticking to my guns! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted November 10, 2022 Share Posted November 10, 2022 Me: "Doctor, doctor, I'm addicted to shagging dogs." Doctor: "Have you tried patches?" Me: "What's he? A poodle?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted November 11, 2022 Share Posted November 11, 2022 A young woman was preparing for her wedding. She asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black negligee and carefully place it in her suitcase so it would not wrinkle. Mom forgot until the last minute, so she dashed out and could only find a short pink nighty. She bought it and threw it into the suitcase. After the wedding, the bride and groom enter their hotel room. The groom was a little self-conscious, so he asked his new bride to change in the bathroom and promise not to peek while he got ready for bed. While she was in the bathroom, she opened her suitcase and saw the negligee her mother had thrown in there. She exclaimed, "Oh no, it's short, pink and wrinkled!" Then her groom cried out, "I told you not to peek!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Watt-Zeefuik Posted November 15, 2022 Share Posted November 15, 2022 Most successful musicians will tell you there's a whole category of people who are mostly talentless, lazy schlubs but who end up glomming on to various bands and following them around and going to all their concerts, consuming extra food and drink, and generally just making a nuisance of themselves. They're called "bass players." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Watt-Zeefuik Posted November 15, 2022 Share Posted November 15, 2022 What do you call a lead singer of a band when he breaks up with his girlfriend? Homeless. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jingle Bells Posted November 15, 2022 Share Posted November 15, 2022 Was speaking to a young bloke over the counter at ASDA who used to be a Butcher. He said whenever a Customer came in requesting Lorne Sausages he would say in reply, "is that four Lorne sausages, Sir" So bad I just had to laugh. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted November 16, 2022 Share Posted November 16, 2022 A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company. In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy. 'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor. Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the truck' 'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?' Paddy said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into the trailer and I was drivin' down the road.... ' The solicitor interrupted again and said,'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. ' By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'. Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded.'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'.. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans. Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?' 'Now wot da fock would you say?' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pans Jambo Posted November 16, 2022 Share Posted November 16, 2022 Whats the fastest growing country in the world? Ireland. Every day its Dublin. My inflatable house got a puncture today…now im living in a flat. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted November 16, 2022 Share Posted November 16, 2022 32 minutes ago, Pans Jambo said: Whats the fastest growing country in the world? Ireland. Every day its Dublin. My inflatable house got a puncture today…now im living in a flat. Police!!! There been a murder of a once fine joke 😄 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ulysses Posted November 17, 2022 Share Posted November 17, 2022 3 hours ago, superjack said: A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company. In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy. 'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor. Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the truck' 'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?' Paddy said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into the trailer and I was drivin' down the road.... ' The solicitor interrupted again and said,'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. ' By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'. Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded.'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'.. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans. Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?' 'Now wot da fock would you say?' Was Paddy English, by any chance? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redjambo Posted November 17, 2022 Share Posted November 17, 2022 6 hours ago, I P Knightley said: Police!!! There been a murder of a once fine joke 😄 Indeed. Why are the Irish so rich? Because their capital's always Dublin. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pans Jambo Posted November 17, 2022 Share Posted November 17, 2022 1 hour ago, redjambo said: Indeed. Why are the Irish so rich? Because their capital's always Dublin. Ahh. Yes that is better 😁 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dougal Posted November 17, 2022 Share Posted November 17, 2022 I've been telling as many people as possible about the benefits of eating dried grapes. I'm all about raisin awareness. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
milky_26 Posted November 17, 2022 Share Posted November 17, 2022 1 hour ago, dougal said: I've been telling as many people as possible about the benefits of eating dried grapes. I'm all about raisin awareness. its goot to keep that information currant Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scott herbertson Posted November 17, 2022 Share Posted November 17, 2022 4 hours ago, milky_26 said: its goot to keep that information currant Are you sultana 'bout that? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rudi must stay Posted November 17, 2022 Share Posted November 17, 2022 Where's Michelle Pfeiffer from? Fife Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Watt-Zeefuik Posted November 17, 2022 Share Posted November 17, 2022 1 hour ago, scott herbertson said: Are you sultana 'bout that? Ugh. This thread is getting so bad. It needs to be pruned. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dick Dastardly Posted November 17, 2022 Share Posted November 17, 2022 40 minutes ago, rudi must stay said: Where's Michelle Pfeiffer from? Fife That did make me giggle Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JudyJudyJudy Posted November 18, 2022 Share Posted November 18, 2022 Mrs Merton to George best “ you were a 60s sensation , you played football so much , do you think you would have drank less if you weren’t so dehydrated ?” Mrs Merton to Chris Eubank . “ how did it feel when Steve Collins took you from behind in the ring and gave u a good licking ? ~ stoned silence from Eubanks which made it even funnier god bless Caroline Aherne a great talent taking too early Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ri Alban Posted November 18, 2022 Share Posted November 18, 2022 On 17/11/2022 at 05:42, redjambo said: Indeed. Why are the Irish so rich? Because their capital's always Dublin. Ulster says 'No it isn't' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted November 18, 2022 Share Posted November 18, 2022 3 hours ago, JudyJudyJudy said: Mrs Merton to George best “ you were a 60s sensation , you played football so much , do you think you would have drank less if you weren’t so dehydrated ?” Mrs Merton to Chris Eubank . “ how did it feel when Steve Collins took you from behind in the ring and gave u a good licking ? ~ stoned silence from Eubanks which made it even funnier god bless Caroline Aherne a great talent taking too early Plus her immortal question to the lovely Debbie McGee! I may have shared this before but I have a pal who was a journalist with the London Evening Standard (mainly on entertainment). He once interviewed Chris Eubank. During the interview, Eubank shared what his favourite film was. My pal asked us to guess and my guess was Theven Brideth for Theven Brotherth (which got a chuckle in the pub) but I was bested by the actual answer which was The Uthual Thuthpecth. He'd seen it theven times and he loved the mythtery around the character Keyther Thothe. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JudyJudyJudy Posted November 18, 2022 Share Posted November 18, 2022 12 minutes ago, I P Knightley said: Plus her immortal question to the lovely Debbie McGee! I may have shared this before but I have a pal who was a journalist with the London Evening Standard (mainly on entertainment). He once interviewed Chris Eubank. During the interview, Eubank shared what his favourite film was. My pal asked us to guess and my guess was Theven Brideth for Theven Brotherth (which got a chuckle in the pub) but I was bested by the actual answer which was The Uthual Thuthpecth. He'd seen it theven times and he loved the mythtery around the character Keyther Thothe. Oooooo savage lol Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Watt-Zeefuik Posted November 20, 2022 Share Posted November 20, 2022 A bicycle can't stand on its own. It's two-tyred. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Watt-Zeefuik Posted November 20, 2022 Share Posted November 20, 2022 If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Watt-Zeefuik Posted November 20, 2022 Share Posted November 20, 2022 She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Watt-Zeefuik Posted November 20, 2022 Share Posted November 20, 2022 I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Watt-Zeefuik Posted November 20, 2022 Share Posted November 20, 2022 Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Watt-Zeefuik Posted November 20, 2022 Share Posted November 20, 2022 The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted November 22, 2022 Share Posted November 22, 2022 An elderly pair (he a widower, she a widow) meet in a retirement village. They seem to hit it off; they share each other's values, enjoy the same jokes, and find pleasure in each other's company. After a few months, the widower asks for the hand of the widow in marriage. She appears hesitant and decided to probe her soon-to-be a little. "Perhaps I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth, but... How's your health?" "It's OK", he answers. "I'm not getting any younger, but I don't have any major health problems. I can still enjoy life." "Well, then", she replies "I don't want to be a snoop, but I've got to protect myself: how are you fixed financially?" "So-so. I'm not rich, but I'm comfortable. You don't have to worry about me sponging off you; I can support myself." The little old lady blushes, and finally asks her swain - "And how's your sex life...." "Infrequently," he declares. The widow ponders this for a moment or so, before asking... "And is that one word or two?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted November 22, 2022 Share Posted November 22, 2022 On 20/11/2022 at 20:22, Led Tasso said: She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still. She was only a farmer's daughter but she couldn't keep her calves together. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
1953 Posted November 22, 2022 Share Posted November 22, 2022 I was walking along the path beside the Union Canal the other day when I came across a suitcase with 5 kittens inside it. I phoned the RSPCA right away and the woman that I spoke to was absolutely furious. "Are they moving" she asked, "I can't be sure" I replied "but it would explain the suitcase". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Watt-Zeefuik Posted November 22, 2022 Share Posted November 22, 2022 7 hours ago, I P Knightley said: She was only a farmer's daughter but she couldn't keep her calves together. My grandmother always told it as, she was only a farmer's daughter, but all the horsemen knew 'er. (Has to be said aloud for the pun to work.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ulysses Posted November 22, 2022 Share Posted November 22, 2022 On 18/11/2022 at 16:51, I P Knightley said: Plus her immortal question to the lovely Debbie McGee! I may have shared this before but I have a pal who was a journalist with the London Evening Standard (mainly on entertainment). He once interviewed Chris Eubank. During the interview, Eubank shared what his favourite film was. My pal asked us to guess and my guess was Theven Brideth for Theven Brotherth (which got a chuckle in the pub) but I was bested by the actual answer which was The Uthual Thuthpecth. He'd seen it theven times and he loved the mythtery around the character Keyther Thothe. There was a female Irish radio and TV presenter called Bibi Baskin, now retired. Many years ago, another radio presenter was having a phone-in discussion about funerals and cremations. He asked a caller on-air "So where would you like to be buried", and the caller replied "Up to me balls in Bibi Baskin." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sawdust Caesar Posted November 24, 2022 Share Posted November 24, 2022 On 20/11/2022 at 20:22, Led Tasso said: She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still. That reminds me of when I used to buy the student's rag mag in the early 80s which were full of jokes like these: She was only the cricketer's daughter but she could take a full toss in the crease. She was only the fishmonger's daughter but she'd lay it on the slab and say fillet. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unknown user Posted November 24, 2022 Author Share Posted November 24, 2022 On 20/11/2022 at 20:24, Led Tasso said: The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work. laughed at that one Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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