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Unashamedly crap jokes (some are pure gold!)


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A cowboy emigrated to Wales and opened a ranch at Lanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch…

 

Unfortunately, none of his cattle survived the branding!

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132goals1958

A guy walking down the street with a penguin on a lead. Encounters a policeman who asks him where he got the penguin. Found him in a park was  the response. Suggest you get him to the zoo as soon as possible says the policeman. Naw says the guy. Took him there yesterday so I reckon he might prefer the pictures the day .

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Having gay parents must be horrible. You either get twice the amount of dad jokes or get caught in an infinite loop of go ask your mum

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rudi must stay
13 hours ago, narre said:

For anyone who's interested,

I will be signing books in Waterstones bookshop tomorrow morning from 9am

until security throw me out

 

I like this one 

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19 hours ago, narre said:

I entered an Origami competition… I should have won but folded under pressure!


I seen that! On Pay-Per view….

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King Of The Cat Cafe

I was in a furniture store the other day and saw a beautiful painting.

It was rather expensive, but was so lovely that I just had to buy it.

When I went to hang it on the wall I noted my mistake.  It was not a painting, it was a mirror.

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Two blokes are in hospital in adjoining beds, waiting to go into theatre
One says to the other “What you in for”?
The other replies “Endoscopy”
“What’s that then”? the first bloke asks.
“They’ll send a camera down my throat into my stomach and look for things like ulcers or even cancers. What you in for”? replies the second bloke.
“Camera up my bum" says the first bloke.
“Do you mean a Colonoscopy”? says the second bloke
“Nah”, says the first bloke, “The missus caught me taking pictures of the next door neighbour sunbathing nude in her back garden”.

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A guy hasn't been feeling too well so goes to see his doctor, the doctor decides to take a blood test.  A couple of weeks later the guy is back to get his results.

 

Doctor tells him it's bad news, you've got HIV 154.  What's that asks the guy.  It's a new strain of HIV says the doctor, and unfortunately none of the existing HIV drugs are effective in treating it.  What does that mean for me asks the guy.  Well, I'm afraid you've got at best 12 months to live.

 

The guy is devastated and goes home to explain the situation to his wife and tells her he wants to spend as much time as possible with her before the end comes.

 

His wife agrees and says she'll cancel her usual trip to the bingo that evening to be in his company.  The guy says no, you have your bingo night and I'll come with you.

 

So they go to the bingo and the guy wins the first line, then the first full house, then the next and goes through the whole evening winning every game.  Finally, it comes to the National game, the winner will win £10,000.  The guy wins yet again.

 

The bingo master comes over to present the cheque and tells the guy that in over 30 years as a bingo master, he's never experienced anyone having that amount of luck.

 

The guy responds, you think I'm lucky, I'll have you know I have HIV 154.

 

The bingo master responds, **** me, you've won the raffle as well.

 

 

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Jamstomorrow

I have just joined a dating site for Arsonists.

 

It is fantastic!   Every day they send me new matches.

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rudi must stay
1 hour ago, Jamstomorrow said:

I have just joined a dating site for Arsonists.

 

It is fantastic!   Every day they send me new matches.

 

Is Arsene Wenger on it?

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rudi must stay
13 hours ago, RobNox said:

A guy hasn't been feeling too well so goes to see his doctor, the doctor decides to take a blood test.  A couple of weeks later the guy is back to get his results.

 

Doctor tells him it's bad news, you've got HIV 154.  What's that asks the guy.  It's a new strain of HIV says the doctor, and unfortunately none of the existing HIV drugs are effective in treating it.  What does that mean for me asks the guy.  Well, I'm afraid you've got at best 12 months to live.

 

The guy is devastated and goes home to explain the situation to his wife and tells her he wants to spend as much time as possible with her before the end comes.

 

His wife agrees and says she'll cancel her usual trip to the bingo that evening to be in his company.  The guy says no, you have your bingo night and I'll come with you.

 

So they go to the bingo and the guy wins the first line, then the first full house, then the next and goes through the whole evening winning every game.  Finally, it comes to the National game, the winner will win £10,000.  The guy wins yet again.

 

The bingo master comes over to present the cheque and tells the guy that in over 30 years as a bingo master, he's never experienced anyone having that amount of luck.

 

The guy responds, you think I'm lucky, I'll have you know I have HIV 154.

 

The bingo master responds, **** me, you've won the raffle as well.

 

 

 

Legendary. Shared with a few people 

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I P Knightley
On 12/06/2022 at 02:36, narre said:

Did you know, the man who invented the umbrella was going to call it just a brella, but he hesitated!

Reminds me of Milton Jones's claim to have discovered DNA. It's in the last 20 seconds here:

 

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On 03/06/2022 at 07:51, Chong said:

Lester Piggott's funeral is next Wednesday at 20/1 

The heaviest man to ever ride a Derby winner was Lester Piggott's cell mate.

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Konrad von Carstein
10 hours ago, I P Knightley said:

Reminds me of Milton Jones's claim to have discovered DNA. It's in the last 20 seconds here:

 

:lol:

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mrmarkus1981_1

Did you hear about the trainspotter who was struck by a passing steam train?

 

He was chuffed to bits!

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Man United have offered Barcelona 75 million plus Harry Maguire for Frenkie De Jong.

 

Barcelona have said they will only accept 75 million.

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The Geography of a Woman as she ages: 

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa . 
Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe. 
Well developed and open to trade, especially 
for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain. 
Very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece. 
Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain. 
With a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel. 
Has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, 
and takes care of business .

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada. 
Self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet.
Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages. An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 100, a man is like North Korea and Russia.
Ruled by a pair of nuts.

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A Boy Named Crow
4 hours ago, rudi must stay said:

Life has its up and down and can be beautiful and sad

 

 

Oops wrong thread 

Of course Scotland should be independent country

 

The US is a basket case politically

 

What are people's thoughts on plug in acoustic guitars v semi hollow electrics?

 

I've been watching Secret City, decent series about the Aussie security services

 

Last film I saw was Maverick, it was magic 

 

I'm reading Fist Of God the now...I'd forgotten how much I like Freddie Forsyth.

 

(Trying to reply appropriately,  but having to guess the thread 😁 )

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Dick Dastardly
15 hours ago, rudi must stay said:

Life has its up and down and can be beautiful and sad

 

 

Oops wrong thread 

I used to have a seesaw like that. Except it wasn't sad. Ever. 

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What does a walrus and a tupperware tub have in common?

 

They both like a tight seal.

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Watt-Zeefuik
37 minutes ago, superjack said:

What does a walrus and a tupperware tub have in common?

 

They both like a tight seal.

 

The walrus took his auto into the mechanic because it was overheating. The mechanic said, "looks like you blew a seal." The walrus says, "just fix the thing and leave my personal life out of it!"

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2 hours ago, Led Tasso said:

 

The walrus took his auto into the mechanic because it was overheating. The mechanic said, "looks like you blew a seal." The walrus says, "just fix the thing and leave my personal life out of it!"

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

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Sydney Devine
3 hours ago, Led Tasso said:

 

The walrus took his auto into the mechanic because it was overheating. The mechanic said, "looks like you blew a seal." The walrus says, "just fix the thing and leave my personal life out of it!"

The alternative to this is.

 

An eskimo took his snow mobile to the mechanic because it was overheating.  The mechanic had a look under the bonnet and said, "it looks like you have blown a seal".  The eskimo replied "no....it's just frost on my moustache"!!!!!!

 

 

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Der Kaiser
4 hours ago, Led Tasso said:

 

The walrus took his auto into the mechanic because it was overheating. The mechanic said, "looks like you blew a seal." The walrus says, "just fix the thing and leave my personal life out of it!"

 

15 minutes ago, Sydney Devine said:

The alternative to this is.

 

An eskimo took his snow mobile to the mechanic because it was overheating.  The mechanic had a look under the bonnet and said, "it looks like you have blown a seal".  The eskimo replied "no....it's just frost on my moustache"!!!!!!

 

 

 

Heidi Klum walks into a bar.......

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I'll try this joke again.

 

 

Why does your arse crack go up and down instead of sideways? 

In case you fall down the stairs it doesn't go. 

 

 

finger-to.gif

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manaliveits105

A weegie takes his new girlfriend home to introduce to his parents 

 

This is Amanda 

 

Its feckin what ??!! shouts his father 

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Konrad von Carstein
On 01/07/2022 at 22:31, Der Kaiser said:

 

 

Heidi Klum walks into a bar.......

 

3 hours ago, manaliveits105 said:

A weegie takes his new girlfriend home to introduce to his parents 

 

This is Amanda 

 

Its feckin what ??!! shouts his father 

Both made me laugh,.thanks :)

 

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On 01/07/2022 at 22:31, Der Kaiser said:

 

 

Heidi Klum walks into a bar.......

Eh?

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jamboy1982
34 minutes ago, Dawnrazor said:

Eh?

Heidi klum used to go about with the singer seal. It’s a joke about blowing seals 

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1 minute ago, jamboy1982 said:

Heidi klum used to go about with the singer seal. It’s a joke about blowing seals 

I knew about her seeing Seal, but that doesn't make it any clearer😅🤦‍♀️

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3 minutes ago, Der Kaiser said:

I liked my post.

 

**** yous all

Is that another joke I don't get.

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3 hours ago, Dawnrazor said:

Eh?

 

2 hours ago, Ron Burgundy said:

I have no idea either.

 

2 hours ago, I P Knightley said:

Beats me

I’m with you guys.

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3 minutes ago, Morgan said:

 

 

I’m with you guys.

Apparently she blew a seal in a pub, I'm not very mechanical so I don't get jokes about engine parts.

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Watt-Zeefuik
3 hours ago, Morgan said:

 

 

I’m with you guys.

 

Took me forever to understand it but here's the long and tedious explanation.

 

I told the joke about the walrus getting told by his auto mechanic that he'd blown a seal. A blown seal on an engine can mean many things but often means when the head gasket gets a hole in it so the piston chambers no longer hold compression, and the engine barely functions, and puts out a lot of smoke. It's an expensive repair so hope you never have one. (hopefully the other half of the double meaning is clear enough, I'm not going to explain that one to you.)

 

Heidi Klum dated the singer Seal (did not know that TBH) so the joke would work with her walking into a mechanic. So the implication was that you could re-tell the joke with Heidi Klum instead of a walrus, except that the post said "walks into a bar" which I can only assume was supposed to be "walks into a mechanic."

 

Did I get that right?

 

FWIW the joke was shamelessly lifted off of this old Doctor Demento regular feature. Apologies, the resolution is horrific.

 

 

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15 minutes ago, Led Tasso said:

 

Took me forever to understand it but here's the long and tedious explanation.

 

I told the joke about the walrus getting told by his auto mechanic that he'd blown a seal. A blown seal on an engine can mean many things but often means when the head gasket gets a hole in it so the piston chambers no longer hold compression, and the engine barely functions, and puts out a lot of smoke. It's an expensive repair so hope you never have one. (hopefully the other half of the double meaning is clear enough, I'm not going to explain that one to you.)

 

Heidi Klum dated the singer Seal (did not know that TBH) so the joke would work with her walking into a mechanic. So the implication was that you could re-tell the joke with Heidi Klum instead of a walrus, except that the post said "walks into a bar" which I can only assume was supposed to be "walks into a mechanic."

 

Did I get that right?

 

FWIW the joke was shamelessly lifted off of this old Doctor Demento regular feature. Apologies, the resolution is horrific.

 

 

Get it now.

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