Unashamedly crap jokes (some are pure gold!)

[Day@theraces]

Probably posted

 

What do you call a Scotsman that's halfway home?

 

Hamish

[Unknown user]

Thanks to Hermes for the white Christmas I ordered

[Dick Dastardly]

On 11/03/2023 at 08:44, Smithee said:

Thanks to Hermes for the white Christmas I ordered

 👏👏 👏 

[Tazio]

Why don’t you see elephants hiding in trees? 
They're really good at it. 

[Watt-Zeefuik]

Why did the elephant step on the marshmallow?

 

To keep from falling in the hot cocoa.

[Firefox]

A primary school teacher asked her kids what they thought was the fastest thing in the world.

Little Billy replied ' I think it's blinking miss'  She asks And why do you think that Billy? 

Well miss, It's a semi autonomic reaction and before you've even thought about it, you've done it! 

Teacher -Very good Billy. anyone else got any ideas?

Little Jeanie says 'I think it's electricity miss

Teacher - Why do you say that Jeanie?

Well miss, when you switch on a light the electrons travel up the copper wire so quickly that the bulb comes on instantly.

Teacher - Very good Jeanie, good answer 

Little Johnny says  'please miss I think it's Diarrhoea

Teacher - Really Johnny, why do you say that?

Johnny replied ' because I had diarrhoea last week and before I'd had the chance to blink or turn on the light I'd shit myself

[Tazio]

Doctor: Sorry to tell you but you have onomatopoeia.
Patient: Oh my God, doctor, is that really serious?
Doctor: I'm afraid it's every bit as bad as it sounds.

[Dawnrazor]

What's a bulimic's favourite fast food restaurant?

 

 

KFC because it comes with a bucket.

[Tazio]

In parts of Wales, Swedish groups are banned if the space between their hands and forearms is too broad. 

Sounds crazy, I know, but that's Abba wrist width for you.

[Watt-Zeefuik]

2 hours ago, Tazio said:

In parts of Wales, Swedish groups are banned if the space between their hands and forearms is too broad. 

Sounds crazy, I know, but that's Abba wrist width for you.

 

I realize it's because I'm a damned American hick but I had to read that six times out loud to figure it out. Nice one though.

[Watt-Zeefuik]

I had an ex-girlfriend who called me after quitting her job in the submarine window repair business.

 

Me: So it's the misogyny that's wearing you down?

 

Her: What? No, I said I was sick of the glass sealing!

[milky_26]

2 hours ago, Led Tasso said:

 

I realize it's because I'm a damned American hick but I had to read that six times out loud to figure it out. Nice one though.

which words were you pronouncing wrong?

[Watt-Zeefuik]

1 hour ago, milky_26 said:

which words were you pronouncing wrong?

 

Just tired, and it took me a bit to remember the fact that it was Wales and that Aberystwyth was a place there.

[Dick Dastardly]

how many drugs did Charlie Sheen take? 

Enough to kill two and a half men

[Dawnrazor]

What's a kidnappers favourite shoes?

 

White Vans.

[Dick Dastardly]

36 minutes ago, Dawnrazor said:

What's a kidnappers favourite shoes?

 

White Vans.

👏 👏 👏 👏 

[¼½¾]

My wife and I are celebrating our first year of being happily married.

 

By coincidence, it's also our 40th wedding anniversary.

[Dawnrazor]

Me and my wife were happy for 24 years...........then we met.

Edited March 25, 2023 by Dawnrazor

[Watt-Zeefuik]

There's a disease going around that erases everyone's memory of post-punk 80s bands. Nobody knows The Cure!

[JudyJudyJudy]

1 hour ago, jonesy said:

Three buffalo hunters are out on the plains of Nebraska when they see an Indian war party.

 

The first hunter says, "I know how to deal with this mob." He rides up to them, shouting and trying to be aggressive. The Indian chief fires off an arrow straight through the boys heart, killing him instantly.

 

The second hunter is furious and gallops forward, ready to avenge his friend's death. Before he can get a shot away, the Indian chief again fires off a single arrow, knocking him off his horse and killing him.

 

The third hunter quickly grabs a loaf of bread from his saddle bag and furious starts masturbating between two of the slices. He reaches his climax and then holds the bread aloft for the Indians to see before riding towards them.

 

The chief turns to the rest of his war party and says, "No shooting. This white man cum in piece."

😂

[superjack]

Three men die on Xmas Eve. 
To get into heaven St peter says "You must have something on you that represents Xmas"

The Englishman flcks on his lighter and says "it's a candle" Peter lets him pass.

Welsh man pulls out a set of keys and jingles them and says "they are bells" Peter lets him pass too.

Irishman pulls out 2 thongs, Peter says " how on earth do they represent Xmas ?"

Irishman says "they're Carols"

[superjack]

One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window.
The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was!  Drop dead blonde, the works.....  
"I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'am, could I see your drivers license."
"What's a license???" replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump. 
"It's usually in your wallet" replied the officer. After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it. "Now may I see your registration?" asked the cop.
"Registration? what's that?" asked the blonde.  
"It's usually in your glove compartment..." said the cop impatiently. 
After some more fumbling, she found the registration. "I'll be back in a minute..." said the cop and walked back to his car.

The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the woman's license and registration.  After a few moments, the dispatcher came back;  "Ummm, is this woman driving a red sports car?" 
"Yes...." replied the officer.
"Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher. 
"Uh... yes" replied the cop.
"Here's what you do," said the dispatcher.  "Give her the stuff back, and drop your kecks."  
"WHAT!!? I can't do that.  Its inappropriate!" exclaimed the cop.  
"Trust me; just do it." said the dispatcher.
So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his kecks, just as the dispatcher said.  
The blonde looks down and sighs, "Ohh no... not ANOTHER breath-a-lyzer"

[redjambo]

5 hours ago, Lord BJ said:

Why did the transgender man only eat salad?

 

Because he was a herbivore. 

 

[Dick Dastardly]

5 hours ago, Lord BJ said:

Why did the transgender man only eat salad?

 

Because he was a herbivore. 

😂 😂 It took me a minute! 

[Dick Dastardly]

I'm always frank with my sexual partners, that way they never know my real name

[Dick Dastardly]

I spotted an albino dalmatian the other day. 

It's the least i could do

[superjack]

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
"We missed the R!
We missed the R!
We missed the R!"
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?" With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was.. CELEBRATE"

[rudi must stay]

theres a new hibs keeper

 

careless hans

[ri Alban]

I was arrested during my Barge Holiday.

I didn't have a boat, I just pushed people into the canal.

[superjack]

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror,stare at myself and repeat 3 times

I do not have a headache;

I do not have a headache,

I do not have a headache.'

It worked! The headaches are all gone."

"Well, that is wonderful," replies the husband.

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"

The husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.

He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."

He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

With that, he goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying,

She's not my wife!

She's not my wife!

She's not my wife!"

[132goals1958]

[superjack]

Anyone know what to do with a noisy dish washer? I've tried flowers, wine and chocolate but I just can't stop her from whining.

[Watt-Zeefuik]

A careless old gas man named Peter

Was hunting about for the meter

Struck a leak with his light

He arose out of sight

And as anyone can see by reading this, he also destroyed the meter.

[Watt-Zeefuik]

[132goals1958]

[Dick Dastardly]

On 15/05/2023 at 13:12, Led Tasso said:

A careless old gas man named Peter

Was hunting about for the meter

Struck a leak with his light

He arose out of sight

And as anyone can see by reading this, he also destroyed the meter.

👏👏👏👏

[dougal]

What do you call a field full of skeletons?

 

A Schofield

[Watt-Zeefuik]

[periodictabledancer]

A Yorkshireman buys a grave stone for his deceased missus with the inscription "she was thine" but at the funeral it's obvious they've done it wrong  , it says "she was thin". So he goes off to complain saying saying "you missed the 'e' off the end!!".

 

So the masons phones him to tell him it's been fixed and he goes to visit the grave and sees the headstone proudly proclaim "E she was thin". 

 

 

A man feinted and collapsed onto a luggage carousel at Heathrow airport but he was fine and came round again eventually. 

[Watt-Zeefuik]

A Hibs fan was desperate to get a job at the club. He lived and breathed Hibs, and showed up at the office one day begging to have a job, any job. Just to get him to leave them alone, the staff pointed to a list of vacancies and asked if he had any experience at any of them. He looked through the listings desperately, almost without hope, until his eyes lit up seeing one. Excitedly he told the hiring manager he was the perfect person for one of the jobs, and he would prove it the next Saturday.

 

Saturday came and the fan got a seat right in the end section. First half, he just absolutely laid into the #1, giving him the dog's abuse. No let up. After about 10 minutes of this the hiring manager pulled him aside to ask WTF he was doing. The Hibs fan excitedly pointed to one of the vacancies which read "BOOKKEEPER" but confidently told the manager, "you've put one extra K in there where a space should be."

[superjack]

A guy walks in and catches his wife giving 1 of her chebs a good scratch.
Delighted that he got a wee flash of her funbag, he shouts to her "boob itch".
She turns around looking angry and slaps him. She says "don't call me horrible names, and you didn't give me a fright."

[superjack]

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them "Do you mind if join you? My partner didn't turn up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.

Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.
"Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."

So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction
of his house.

"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see
right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!"

What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her ...... He's naked as well! The bitch!"

He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.
Then the neighbour, he's a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot his prick off to teach him a lesson."

The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.

"Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hitman calmly," I think I can
save you a grand here....."

[rudi must stay]

Which actor has fish every night for tea?

 

Laurence Fishbone 

[Dick Dastardly]

55 minutes ago, rudi must stay said:

Which actor has fish every night for tea?

 

Laurence Fishbone 

😂 😂 😂 

 

[superjack]

[Pans Jambo]

1 hour ago, superjack said:

[John Gentleman]

On 01/06/2023 at 17:01, superjack said:

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them "Do you mind if join you? My partner didn't turn up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.

Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.
"Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."

So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction
of his house.

"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see
right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!"

What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her ...... He's naked as well! The bitch!"

He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.
Then the neighbour, he's a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot his prick off to teach him a lesson."

The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.

"Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hitman calmly," I think I can
save you a grand here....."

👏

[superjack]

A woman was playing golf and when she tee'd off she hit some poor guy standing down the fairway. As she was a doctor, she ran ro see how wlhe was doing. When she got there, she could see he had his hands between his legs rolling around in pain. Instantly, her training took over. She took the guys hands away, opened his fly amd put her hands inside. As she was gently massaging him she asked how he was feeling. He replied "a lot better, thanks, but I think my thumb is still broken".

[superjack]

I remember once when I was working behind a bar. A German came in and asked for a martini, I said "dry"? He said "no thanks, 1 will be enough".

[superjack]

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight

 

His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

 

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?'

 

'Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

 

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

 

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

 

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said. To which he whirled around and screamed,

 

'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?