ƒιѕнρℓαρѕ Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 For example The guy who found a trumpet growing in his garden- he rooted it oot Make me cringe kickback Quote
iantjambo Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 10 coos in a field, which one is from the Middle East? Coo eight. Quote
ƒιѕнρℓαρѕ Posted August 26, 2015 Author Posted August 26, 2015 10 coos in a field, which one is from the Middle East? Coo eight. Love the rural ones 2 coos in a field, which one's on holiday? The one with the wee calf Or the magic tractor- it turned into a field Quote
iantjambo Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 What do you get if you cross a sheep with a kangaroo? A wooly jumper Quote
Norm Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 Who's the coolest guy in hospital? The Ultra sound bloke. Quote
Fitzroy Pointon Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 Paddy n Mick walking down the road, Paddy falls down a hole "aaaahhh Mick call me an ambulance" "Paddy's and ambulance, Paddy's an ambulance" Quote
ƒιѕнρℓαρѕ Posted August 26, 2015 Author Posted August 26, 2015 (edited) The scarecrow who won the Nobel prize- he was outstanding in his field Edited August 26, 2015 by Smithee Quote
Statts1976uk Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 Who's the coolest guy in hospital? The Ultra sound bloke. Who's the second coolest guy in the hospital? The hip replacement guy! Quote
iantjambo Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 Sticking with my rural theme. Two cows in a field, one says to the other "don't you worry about this mad cow disease?" The other says " why would it worry me? I'm a sheep" Quote
Boris Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 Cheese roll walks into a pub and orders a pint. Barman says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here." Quote
Boris Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 Two fish in a tank. First fish says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?" Quote
Fitzroy Pointon Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 Guy walks into the pub with a giraffe on a lead. Leaves it sitting at a table and goes to order a pint. Barman says, you cant leave that lyin there. Guy says, its not a lion its a giraffe. Quote
Graeme Russell Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 Dog walks into a bar and orders a pint and a packet of crisps." Wow" says the barman, "You should be in a Circus" Dog, "Why" "Are they looking for Electricians" Quote
argyjambo Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 Two pieces of vomit walking down the road, one says to the other " see that shop doorway?" Aye says the other, what aboot it? "That's where I was brought up!" Quote
iantjambo Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 Guy walks into a bar and orders a pint of lager and a pie. Barman says "sorry mate I'm all out of pies" "Ok" the guy replies "give me a packet of crisps instead" He drinks the pint, puts the crisps on his head and makes for the exit. "Excuse me mate" the barman calls after him "why have you put the crisps on your head?" "Because your all out of pies" Quote
I P Knightley Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 I made a typing mistake when trying to upload a calendar app to my phone. I ended up with a colander app. All it does is drain the battery. Quote
Ryan Jarman Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 Two monkeys in a bath One turns to the other and says 'OOO AAHHH AHH AHH!' The other says 'Put some cold in then' Quote
Boris Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 I made a typing mistake when trying to upload a calendar app to my phone. I ended up with a colander app. All it does is drain the battery. Hahahaha. I like that! Quote
Vincent B.A Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 Why don't pirates have any painkillers? Because the parrots-eat-em-all Quote
I P Knightley Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 Hahahaha. I like that! I know. I abused the thread; I don't think it's at all crap.But I'm not ashamed that I did so it's completely alright in my eyes. Quote
Ryan Jarman Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 What did the constipated mathematician do? Worked it out with a pencil. Quote
ƒιѕнρℓαρѕ Posted August 26, 2015 Author Posted August 26, 2015 Why did the baker have dirty fingernails? He kneaded a poo Quote
Templeton Peck Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 Whats orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot What did the cheese say when it saw itself in the mirror? Halloumi Quote
ƒιѕнρℓαρѕ Posted August 26, 2015 Author Posted August 26, 2015 Two cannibals are eating a clown. One goes "does this taste funny to you?" Quote
ƒιѕнρℓαρѕ Posted August 26, 2015 Author Posted August 26, 2015 Whats orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot What did the cheese say when it saw itself in the mirror? Halloumi Prince of crap jokes that Quote
Tazio Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 Two parrots sat on a perch. One of the turns to the other and says "can you smell fish" Two snowmen. One of the turns to the other and says "can you smell carrots" What's is yellow and smells like blue paint? Yellow paint. Quote
itsnomarooned Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 What's the difference between a Buffalo and a Bison? You can't wash your face in a Buffalo Quote
Sexton Hardcastle Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 My mate was at the dentist the other day. He said he got a Boston cavity. I asked if it was expensive? "More than a filling" Quote
Smack Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 Stolen from the top 10 of the Fringe list... Red sky at night, shepherd's delight. Blue sky at night. Day. Quote
FWJ Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 Woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre. So the barman gives her one. Quote
tian447 Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 What?s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter. Quote
Cairneyhill Jambo Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 I remember the time when my brother got sent to jail... He flipped completely and smeared his own sh*t all over the walls........We've never played Monopoly again..... Quote
WSTR Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea. Knock Knock Who's there? Lettuce Lettuce who Lettuce in Knock, Knock. Who's there? Dave. Dave who? Dave proceeds to break into tears as his grandmother's Alzheimers has progressed to the point where she can no longer remember him. Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 8 9. A horse walks into a bar, several people get and and leave as they spot the potential danger in the situation. An Irishman leaves a bar. Quote
WSTR Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 Guy walks into a bar and orders a pint of lager and a pie. Barman says "sorry mate I'm all out of pies" "Ok" the guy replies "give me a packet of crisps instead" He drinks the pint, puts the crisps on his head and makes for the exit. "Excuse me mate" the barman calls after him "why have you put the crisps on your head?" "Because your all out of pies" Quote
iantjambo Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 Your not going to make me ruin a perfectly shite joke by having me explain it are you? Quote
All roads lead to Gorgie Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 What kind of dinosaur always had difficulty sitting down ? The Tyranno sore ass. Quote
Craig Gordons Gloves Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 What happens when the Pope dies? Another one popes up. Quote
WSTR Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 Your not going to make me ruin a perfectly shite joke by having me explain it are you? I think you're going to have to. I feel embarrassed. Quote
Maple Leaf Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 I think you're going to have to. I feel embarrassed. The joke is absurd ... that's why it's funny. Quote
Maple Leaf Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh. Quote
Tazio Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 What kind of cheese do you use to hide a horse? Mascarpone What kind of cheese do you use to get a bear out of a cave? Camembert Quote
iantjambo Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 I think you're going to have to. I feel embarrassed. <sigh> He put the crisps on his head because the barman had no pies. If he had pies then he would have put the pie on his head. Quote
Craig Gordons Gloves Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 What kind of cheese do you use to hide a horse? Mascarpone What kind of cheese do you use to get a bear out of a cave? Camembert Brilliant!! Quote
WSTR Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 (edited) <sigh> He put the crisps on his head because the barman had no pies. If he had pies then he would have put the pie on his head. What a horrendous joke Would the pie have HP sauce in it though Edited August 26, 2015 by BarasaMad Quote
sandyk Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 What do you call a deer with no eyes No idea Quote
Tazio Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef. Quote
Tazio Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 Back to the cheese gags. What kind of cheese is made backwards? Edam. Quote
smithy Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 How do you know there is an elephant in your living room? His bikes in the hall. How do you know there are two elephants in your living room? The back tyre is flat. Quote
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