ǝǝɥʇᴉɯS Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 For example The guy who found a trumpet growing in his garden- he rooted it oot Make me cringe kickback Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iantjambo Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 10 coos in a field, which one is from the Middle East? Coo eight. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ǝǝɥʇᴉɯS Posted August 26, 2015 Author Share Posted August 26, 2015 10 coos in a field, which one is from the Middle East? Coo eight. Love the rural ones 2 coos in a field, which one's on holiday? The one with the wee calf Or the magic tractor- it turned into a field Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iantjambo Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 What do you get if you cross a sheep with a kangaroo? A wooly jumper Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Norm Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 Who's the coolest guy in hospital? The Ultra sound bloke. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Салатные палочки Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 Paddy n Mick walking down the road, Paddy falls down a hole "aaaahhh Mick call me an ambulance" "Paddy's and ambulance, Paddy's an ambulance" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ǝǝɥʇᴉɯS Posted August 26, 2015 Author Share Posted August 26, 2015 (edited) The scarecrow who won the Nobel prize- he was outstanding in his field Edited August 26, 2015 by Smithee Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ron Swanson Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 A man walks into a bar - ouch Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Statts1976uk Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 Who's the coolest guy in hospital? The Ultra sound bloke. Who's the second coolest guy in the hospital? The hip replacement guy! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iantjambo Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 Sticking with my rural theme. Two cows in a field, one says to the other "don't you worry about this mad cow disease?" The other says " why would it worry me? I'm a sheep" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boris Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 Cheese roll walks into a pub and orders a pint. Barman says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boris Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 Two fish in a tank. First fish says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Салатные палочки Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 Guy walks into the pub with a giraffe on a lead. Leaves it sitting at a table and goes to order a pint. Barman says, you cant leave that lyin there. Guy says, its not a lion its a giraffe. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Graeme Russell Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 Dog walks into a bar and orders a pint and a packet of crisps." Wow" says the barman, "You should be in a Circus" Dog, "Why" "Are they looking for Electricians" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
argyjambo Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 Two pieces of vomit walking down the road, one says to the other " see that shop doorway?" Aye says the other, what aboot it? "That's where I was brought up!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iantjambo Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 Guy walks into a bar and orders a pint of lager and a pie. Barman says "sorry mate I'm all out of pies" "Ok" the guy replies "give me a packet of crisps instead" He drinks the pint, puts the crisps on his head and makes for the exit. "Excuse me mate" the barman calls after him "why have you put the crisps on your head?" "Because your all out of pies" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 I made a typing mistake when trying to upload a calendar app to my phone. I ended up with a colander app. All it does is drain the battery. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ryan Jarman Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 Two monkeys in a bath One turns to the other and says 'OOO AAHHH AHH AHH!' The other says 'Put some cold in then' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boris Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 I made a typing mistake when trying to upload a calendar app to my phone. I ended up with a colander app. All it does is drain the battery. Hahahaha. I like that! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vincent B.A Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 Why don't pirates have any painkillers? Because the parrots-eat-em-all Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 Hahahaha. I like that! I know. I abused the thread; I don't think it's at all crap.But I'm not ashamed that I did so it's completely alright in my eyes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ryan Jarman Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 What did the constipated mathematician do? Worked it out with a pencil. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ǝǝɥʇᴉɯS Posted August 26, 2015 Author Share Posted August 26, 2015 Why did the baker have dirty fingernails? He kneaded a poo Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Templeton Peck Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 Whats orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot What did the cheese say when it saw itself in the mirror? Halloumi Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ǝǝɥʇᴉɯS Posted August 26, 2015 Author Share Posted August 26, 2015 Two cannibals are eating a clown. One goes "does this taste funny to you?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ǝǝɥʇᴉɯS Posted August 26, 2015 Author Share Posted August 26, 2015 Whats orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot What did the cheese say when it saw itself in the mirror? Halloumi Prince of crap jokes that Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tazio Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 Two parrots sat on a perch. One of the turns to the other and says "can you smell fish" Two snowmen. One of the turns to the other and says "can you smell carrots" What's is yellow and smells like blue paint? Yellow paint. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsnomarooned Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 What's the difference between a Buffalo and a Bison? You can't wash your face in a Buffalo Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sexton Hardcastle Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 My mate was at the dentist the other day. He said he got a Boston cavity. I asked if it was expensive? "More than a filling" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Smack Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 Stolen from the top 10 of the Fringe list... Red sky at night, shepherd's delight. Blue sky at night. Day. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FWJ Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 Woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre. So the barman gives her one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FWJ Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 What's brown and sticky? A stick. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tian447 Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 What?s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cairneyhill Jambo Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 I remember the time when my brother got sent to jail... He flipped completely and smeared his own sh*t all over the walls........We've never played Monopoly again..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WSTR Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea. Knock Knock Who's there? Lettuce Lettuce who Lettuce in Knock, Knock. Who's there? Dave. Dave who? Dave proceeds to break into tears as his grandmother's Alzheimers has progressed to the point where she can no longer remember him. Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 8 9. A horse walks into a bar, several people get and and leave as they spot the potential danger in the situation. An Irishman leaves a bar. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WSTR Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 Guy walks into a bar and orders a pint of lager and a pie. Barman says "sorry mate I'm all out of pies" "Ok" the guy replies "give me a packet of crisps instead" He drinks the pint, puts the crisps on his head and makes for the exit. "Excuse me mate" the barman calls after him "why have you put the crisps on your head?" "Because your all out of pies" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iantjambo Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 Your not going to make me ruin a perfectly shite joke by having me explain it are you? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
All roads lead to Gorgie Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 What kind of dinosaur always had difficulty sitting down ? The Tyranno sore ass. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Craig Gordons Gloves Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 What happens when the Pope dies? Another one popes up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WSTR Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 Your not going to make me ruin a perfectly shite joke by having me explain it are you? I think you're going to have to. I feel embarrassed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 I think you're going to have to. I feel embarrassed. The joke is absurd ... that's why it's funny. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tazio Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 What kind of cheese do you use to hide a horse? Mascarpone What kind of cheese do you use to get a bear out of a cave? Camembert Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iantjambo Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 I think you're going to have to. I feel embarrassed. <sigh> He put the crisps on his head because the barman had no pies. If he had pies then he would have put the pie on his head. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Craig Gordons Gloves Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 What kind of cheese do you use to hide a horse? Mascarpone What kind of cheese do you use to get a bear out of a cave? Camembert Brilliant!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WSTR Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 (edited) <sigh> He put the crisps on his head because the barman had no pies. If he had pies then he would have put the pie on his head. What a horrendous joke Would the pie have HP sauce in it though Edited August 26, 2015 by BarasaMad Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sandyk Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 What do you call a deer with no eyes No idea Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tazio Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tazio Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 Back to the cheese gags. What kind of cheese is made backwards? Edam. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
smithy Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 How do you know there is an elephant in your living room? His bikes in the hall. How do you know there are two elephants in your living room? The back tyre is flat. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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