Unashamedly crap jokes (some are pure gold!)

[ƒιѕнρℓαρѕ]

For example

 

The guy who found a trumpet growing in his garden- he rooted it oot

 

Make me cringe kickback

[iantjambo]

10 coos in a field, which one is from the Middle East?

 

 

Coo eight.

[ƒιѕнρℓαρѕ]

10 coos in a field, which one is from the Middle East?

 

 

Coo eight.

Love the rural ones

 

2 coos in a field, which one's on holiday?

The one with the wee calf

 

Or the magic tractor- it turned into a field

[iantjambo]

What do you get if you cross a sheep with a kangaroo?

 

A wooly jumper

[Norm]

Who's the coolest guy in hospital? The Ultra sound bloke.

[Fitzroy Pointon]

Paddy n Mick walking down the road, Paddy falls down a hole

 

"aaaahhh Mick call me an ambulance" 

 

"Paddy's and ambulance, Paddy's an ambulance" 

[ƒιѕнρℓαρѕ]

The scarecrow who won the Nobel prize- he was outstanding in his field

Edited August 26, 2015 by Smithee

[Ron Swanson]

A man walks into a bar - ouch

[Statts1976uk]

Who's the coolest guy in hospital? The Ultra sound bloke.

Who's the second coolest guy in the hospital? The hip replacement guy!

[iantjambo]

Sticking with my rural theme.

 

Two cows in a field, one says to the other "don't you worry about this mad cow disease?"

 

The other says " why would it worry me? I'm a sheep"

[Boris]

Cheese roll walks into a pub and orders a pint.

 

Barman says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."

[Boris]

Two fish in a tank.

 

First fish says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

[Fitzroy Pointon]

Guy walks into the pub with a giraffe on a lead.  Leaves it sitting at a table and goes to order a pint.

 

Barman says, you cant leave that lyin there.  

 

Guy says, its not a lion its a giraffe.  

[Graeme Russell]

Dog walks into a bar and orders a pint and a packet of crisps." Wow" says the barman, "You should be in a Circus"

 

Dog, "Why"  "Are they looking for Electricians"

[argyjambo]

Two pieces of vomit walking down the road, one says to the other " see that shop doorway?" Aye says the other, what aboot it? "That's where I was brought up!"

[iantjambo]

Guy walks into a bar and orders a pint of lager and a pie.

 

Barman says "sorry mate I'm all out of pies"

 

"Ok" the guy replies "give me a packet of crisps instead"

 

He drinks the pint, puts the crisps on his head and makes for the exit.

 

"Excuse me mate" the barman calls after him "why have you put the crisps on your head?"

 

"Because your all out of pies"

[I P Knightley]

I made a typing mistake when trying to upload a calendar app to my phone.

 

I ended up with a colander app.

 

All it does is drain the battery.

[Ryan Jarman]

Two monkeys in a bath

 

One turns to the other and says 'OOO AAHHH AHH AHH!'

 

The other says 'Put some cold in then' 

[Boris]

I made a typing mistake when trying to upload a calendar app to my phone.

 

I ended up with a colander app.

 

All it does is drain the battery.

 

Hahahaha. I like that!

[Vincent B.A]

Why don't pirates have any painkillers?

 

Because the parrots-eat-em-all

[I P Knightley]

Hahahaha. I like that!

I know. I abused the thread; I don't think it's at all crap.But I'm not ashamed that I did so it's completely alright in my eyes.

[Ryan Jarman]

What did the constipated mathematician do?

 

Worked it out with a pencil.  

[ƒιѕнρℓαρѕ]

Why did the baker have dirty fingernails?

 

He kneaded a poo

[Templeton Peck]

Whats orange and sounds like a parrot?

 

A carrot 

 

 

What did the cheese say when it saw itself in the mirror?

 

Halloumi 

[ƒιѕнρℓαρѕ]

Two cannibals are eating a clown.

 

One goes "does this taste funny to you?"

[ƒιѕнρℓαρѕ]

Whats orange and sounds like a parrot?

 

A carrot

 

 

What did the cheese say when it saw itself in the mirror?

 

Halloumi

Prince of crap jokes that

[Tazio]

Two parrots sat on a perch.

 

One of the turns to the other and says "can you smell fish"

 

Two snowmen. One of the turns to the other and says "can you smell carrots"

 

What's is yellow and smells like blue paint?

Yellow paint.

[itsnomarooned]

What's the difference between a Buffalo and a Bison?

 

You can't wash your face in a Buffalo

[Sexton Hardcastle]

My mate was at the dentist the other day. He said he got a Boston cavity. I asked if it was expensive? "More than a filling"

[Smack]

Stolen from the top 10 of the Fringe list...

 

Red sky at night, shepherd's delight. Blue sky at night. Day.

[FWJ]

Woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre. So the barman gives her one.

[FWJ]

What's brown and sticky?

 

A stick.

[tian447]

What?s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

 

One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.

[Cairneyhill Jambo]

I remember the time when my brother got sent to jail... He flipped completely and smeared his own sh*t all over the walls........











We've never played Monopoly again.....
 

[WSTR]

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No idea.

 

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Lettuce

Lettuce who

Lettuce in

 

 

Knock, Knock.

Who's there?

Dave.

Dave who?

Dave proceeds to break into tears as his grandmother's Alzheimers has progressed to the point where she can no longer remember him.

 

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 8 9.

 

 

A horse walks into a bar, several people get and and leave as they spot the potential danger in the situation.

 

An Irishman leaves a bar.

[WSTR]

Guy walks into a bar and orders a pint of lager and a pie.

 

Barman says "sorry mate I'm all out of pies"

 

"Ok" the guy replies "give me a packet of crisps instead"

 

He drinks the pint, puts the crisps on his head and makes for the exit.

 

"Excuse me mate" the barman calls after him "why have you put the crisps on your head?"

 

"Because your all out of pies"

[iantjambo]

Your not going to make me ruin a perfectly shite joke by having me explain it are you?

[All roads lead to Gorgie]

What kind of dinosaur always had difficulty sitting down ?

 

The Tyranno sore ass.

[Craig Gordons Gloves]

What happens when the Pope dies?

 

Another one popes up.

[WSTR]

Your not going to make me ruin a perfectly shite joke by having me explain it are you?

I think you're going to have to. I feel embarrassed.

[Maple Leaf]

I think you're going to have to. I feel embarrassed.

 

The joke is absurd ... that's why it's funny.

[Maple Leaf]

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

 

Fsh.

[Tazio]

What kind of cheese do you use to hide a horse? 

 

Mascarpone

 

What kind of cheese do you use to get a bear out of a cave?

 

Camembert 

[iantjambo]

I think you're going to have to. I feel embarrassed.

<sigh>

 

He put the crisps on his head because the barman had no pies. If he had pies then he would have put the pie on his head.

[Craig Gordons Gloves]

What kind of cheese do you use to hide a horse? 

 

Mascarpone

 

What kind of cheese do you use to get a bear out of a cave?

 

Camembert 

 

Brilliant!! 

[WSTR]

<sigh>

 

He put the crisps on his head because the barman had no pies. If he had pies then he would have put the pie on his head.

What a horrendous joke

Would the pie have HP sauce in it though

Edited August 26, 2015 by BarasaMad

[sandyk]

What do you call a deer with no eyes

 

No idea

[Tazio]

What do you call a cow with no legs?

 

Ground beef.

[Tazio]

Back to the cheese gags.

 

What kind of cheese is made backwards?

 

Edam.

[smithy]

How do you know there is an elephant in your living room?

 

His bikes in the hall.

 

How do you know there are two elephants in your living room?

 

The back tyre is flat.