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Unashamedly crap jokes (some are pure gold!)


Smithee

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10 coos in a field, which one is from the Middle East?

 

 

Coo eight.

Love the rural ones :pleasing:

 

2 coos in a field, which one's on holiday?

The one with the wee calf

 

Or the magic tractor- it turned into a field

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Salad Fingers

Paddy n Mick walking down the road, Paddy falls down a hole

 

"aaaahhh Mick call me an ambulance" 

 

"Paddy's and ambulance, Paddy's an ambulance" 

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Statts1976uk

Who's the coolest guy in hospital? The Ultra sound bloke.

Who's the second coolest guy in the hospital? The hip replacement guy!

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Sticking with my rural theme.

 

Two cows in a field, one says to the other "don't you worry about this mad cow disease?"

 

The other says " why would it worry me? I'm a sheep"

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Salad Fingers

Guy walks into the pub with a giraffe on a lead.  Leaves it sitting at a table and goes to order a pint.

 

Barman says, you cant leave that lyin there.  

 

Guy says, its not a lion its a giraffe.  

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Graeme Russell

Dog walks into a bar and orders a pint and a packet of crisps." Wow" says the barman, "You should be in a Circus"

 

Dog, "Why"  "Are they looking for Electricians"

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Two pieces of vomit walking down the road, one says to the other " see that shop doorway?" Aye says the other, what aboot it? "That's where I was brought up!"

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Guy walks into a bar and orders a pint of lager and a pie.

 

Barman says "sorry mate I'm all out of pies"

 

"Ok" the guy replies "give me a packet of crisps instead"

 

He drinks the pint, puts the crisps on his head and makes for the exit.

 

"Excuse me mate" the barman calls after him "why have you put the crisps on your head?"

 

"Because your all out of pies"

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I P Knightley

I made a typing mistake when trying to upload a calendar app to my phone.

 

I ended up with a colander app.

 

All it does is drain the battery.

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Two monkeys in a bath

 

One turns to the other and says 'OOO AAHHH AHH AHH!'

 

The other says 'Put some cold in then' 

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I made a typing mistake when trying to upload a calendar app to my phone.

 

I ended up with a colander app.

 

All it does is drain the battery.

 

Hahahaha. I like that!

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I P Knightley

Hahahaha. I like that!

I know. I abused the thread; I don't think it's at all crap.But I'm not ashamed that I did so it's completely alright in my eyes.

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What did the constipated mathematician do?

 

Worked it out with a pencil.  

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Templeton Peck

Whats orange and sounds like a parrot?

 

A carrot 

 

 

What did the cheese say when it saw itself in the mirror?

 

Halloumi 

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Whats orange and sounds like a parrot?

 

A carrot

 

 

What did the cheese say when it saw itself in the mirror?

 

Halloumi

Prince of crap jokes that

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Two parrots sat on a perch.

 

One of the turns to the other and says "can you smell fish"

 

Two snowmen. One of the turns to the other and says "can you smell carrots"

 

What's is yellow and smells like blue paint?

Yellow paint.

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Sexton Hardcastle

My mate was at the dentist the other day. He said he got a Boston cavity. I asked if it was expensive? "More than a filling"

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What?s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

 

One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.

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Cairneyhill Jambo

I remember the time when my brother got sent to jail... He flipped completely and smeared his own sh*t all over the walls........











We've never played Monopoly again.....
 

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What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No idea.

 

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Lettuce

Lettuce who

Lettuce in

 

 

Knock, Knock.

Who's there?

Dave.

Dave who?

Dave proceeds to break into tears as his grandmother's Alzheimers has progressed to the point where she can no longer remember him.

 

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 8 9.

 

 

A horse walks into a bar, several people get and and leave as they spot the potential danger in the situation.

 

An Irishman leaves a bar.

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Guy walks into a bar and orders a pint of lager and a pie.

 

Barman says "sorry mate I'm all out of pies"

 

"Ok" the guy replies "give me a packet of crisps instead"

 

He drinks the pint, puts the crisps on his head and makes for the exit.

 

"Excuse me mate" the barman calls after him "why have you put the crisps on your head?"

 

"Because your all out of pies"

:what:

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Your not going to make me ruin a perfectly shite joke by having me explain it are you? :lol:

I think you're going to have to. I feel embarrassed.

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What kind of cheese do you use to hide a horse? 

 

Mascarpone

 

What kind of cheese do you use to get a bear out of a cave?

 

Camembert 

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I think you're going to have to. I feel embarrassed.

<sigh> ;)

 

He put the crisps on his head because the barman had no pies. If he had pies then he would have put the pie on his head.

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Craig Gordons Gloves

What kind of cheese do you use to hide a horse? 

 

Mascarpone

 

What kind of cheese do you use to get a bear out of a cave?

 

Camembert 

 

Brilliant!! 

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<sigh> ;)

 

He put the crisps on his head because the barman had no pies. If he had pies then he would have put the pie on his head.

What a horrendous joke :lol:

Would the pie have HP sauce in it though ;)

Edited by BarasaMad
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