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Unashamedly crap jokes (some are pure gold!)


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  • 2 weeks later...
On 09/10/2023 at 15:20, Cairneyhill Jambo said:

I've got a hot date with a lass that identifies as a green wheely bin. I can`t remember if I`m taking her out this Thursday or next Thursday.

Needs dumped!

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On 09/10/2023 at 15:20, Cairneyhill Jambo said:

I've got a hot date with a lass that identifies as a green wheely bin. I can`t remember if I`m taking her out this Thursday or next Thursday.

Recycling old jokes.

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I P Knightley
1 hour ago, ri Alban said:

I think I've already told thus, but ...

Why do women get periods? Cause they deserve them. 

Why do women have legs? 

 

Have you seen the mess that snails leave behind them? 

 

(probably recycled from pages back in this thread!)

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1 hour ago, ri Alban said:

I think I've already told thus, but ...

Why do women get periods? Cause they deserve them. 

Why do women wear make-up and perfume?

Because they're ugly and smelly!

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A man is walking home alone late one foggy Halloween night, when behind him he hears:BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.
FASTER...FASTER..BUMP...BUMP...BUMP......He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping.clappity-BUMP...clappity-BUMP....clappity-BUMP...on his heels, as the terrified man runs.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, he locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.Bumping and clapping toward him.The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket, and, The coffin stops.

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Last night, I was listening to a 'high-brow' Radio 4 programme from a few years ago and laughed out loud at the woman who described her teenage daughter's reaction to her coming down the stairs wearing a short leopard-print skirt for a night out.

 

Her daughter was aghast, exclaiming, "You can't go out looking like that!"

 

Listen from 19 mins, although the entire episode is a hoot.

 

Actually, every episode of this long-running series is superb.

 

https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/b092gkkl?partner=uk.co.bbc&origin=share-mobile

 

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Carl Fredrickson
An elderly man rear-ended a guy driving an expensive European sports car…
Enraged, the guy hops out and confronts the old man.
He yells, "Look what you did to my car…!!!”
"You're going to give me $10,000 right now or I'm going to beat you to a pulp!"
"Oh my…" the old man said nervously, "I don't have that kind of money.”
“Let me call my son…,” he said with hope,
“he trains dolphins and he will know what to do."
"Dolphins..!?!?!" the other driver huffed, while rolling his eyes.
The old man pulled out his phone, dialed his son, and just as his son answered, the irate man snatched the phone away from the old man.
"So, YOU'RE a dolphin trainer, huh..?!?!” The irate man yelled, “Well, your old man here just rear-ended my car and I need TEN GRAND right now, or I'm going to beat you AND your old man to a pulp…!!"
"I'll be there in 10 minutes," says the voice calmly on the other end.
Exactly 10 minutes later, a Jeep pulls up and a guy hops out and proceeds to pulverize the bully, leaving him in a heap on the side of the road.
When he finished, he walked over to his father and said….
"For the last time dad, I train Seals…
Navy Seals.”
“NOT dolphins..!!”
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1 hour ago, Carl Fredrickson said:
An elderly man rear-ended a guy driving an expensive European sports car…
Enraged, the guy hops out and confronts the old man.
He yells, "Look what you did to my car…!!!”
"You're going to give me $10,000 right now or I'm going to beat you to a pulp!"
"Oh my…" the old man said nervously, "I don't have that kind of money.”
“Let me call my son…,” he said with hope,
“he trains dolphins and he will know what to do."
"Dolphins..!?!?!" the other driver huffed, while rolling his eyes.
The old man pulled out his phone, dialed his son, and just as his son answered, the irate man snatched the phone away from the old man.
"So, YOU'RE a dolphin trainer, huh..?!?!” The irate man yelled, “Well, your old man here just rear-ended my car and I need TEN GRAND right now, or I'm going to beat you AND your old man to a pulp…!!"
"I'll be there in 10 minutes," says the voice calmly on the other end.
Exactly 10 minutes later, a Jeep pulls up and a guy hops out and proceeds to pulverize the bully, leaving him in a heap on the side of the road.
When he finished, he walked over to his father and said….
"For the last time dad, I train Seals…
Navy Seals.”
“NOT dolphins..!!”

:thumb:

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There are 3 sisters, Ann Mary and F anny

Ann and Mary are on a double date. As they meet their dates, both of the guys exclaim "look how big your feet are, both of you".

Ann replied "you should see our F annys, they're even more massive".

Edited by superjack
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My mates wife got a tattoo of a sea shell high up on her inner thigh, he recons if you put your ear to it you can smell the sea side.

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On 05/11/2023 at 09:32, Carl Fredrickson said:

image.png.ca55d214aad7613d1b58b4d65e4b1486.png

 

😄

 

Very few jokes on this thread make me chuckle but that did.

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In 1969, Michael Caine & Terence Stamp were close flat mates, and lived in a 3 bed 3 bathroom Penthouse apartment in Berkley Sq, near to Green Park, London W1. During the summer of 69, they had this big show biz party, The Stones, The Beatles, Eric Clapton, Jimi Hendrix and The Doors were all there to name a few.

Jim Morrison comes up to M. Caine and say’s "it a great party but there not enough girls". Micheal says "There two gorgeous models have just turned up" Jim Morrison ask's', "do you think they will give me a Blow Job”? Michael replies "I think they give the whole band a Blow Job” For the next hour, The Doors and the models all disappear into one of the bedrooms.

When the models come out from the bed room, Ringo Star goes up to them both and says, "I see you had some fun with the Doors, "I don't suppose you both fancy giving me a Blow Job”? and they both replied, "It will be an Honour” and they all disappear into one of the bath rooms.

Five minutes later, Michael Caine storms into the bathroom and shouts out, while whacking the girls around the head, "YOUR ONLY SUPPOSED TO BLOW THE BLOODY DOORS OFF".

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I P Knightley
52 minutes ago, superjack said:

In 1969, Michael Caine & Terence Stamp were close flat mates, and lived in a 3 bed 3 bathroom Penthouse apartment in Berkley Sq, near to Green Park, London W1. During the summer of 69, they had this big show biz party, The Stones, The Beatles, Eric Clapton, Jimi Hendrix and The Doors were all there to name a few.

Jim Morrison comes up to M. Caine and say’s "it a great party but there not enough girls". Micheal says "There two gorgeous models have just turned up" Jim Morrison ask's', "do you think they will give me a Blow Job”? Michael replies "I think they give the whole band a Blow Job” For the next hour, The Doors and the models all disappear into one of the bedrooms.

When the models come out from the bed room, Ringo Star goes up to them both and says, "I see you had some fun with the Doors, "I don't suppose you both fancy giving me a Blow Job”? and they both replied, "It will be an Honour” and they all disappear into one of the bath rooms.

Five minutes later, Michael Caine storms into the bathroom and shouts out, while whacking the girls around the head, "YOUR ONLY SUPPOSED TO BLOW THE BLOODY DOORS OFF".

Absolutely fitting in with the thread title!

 

Any idea whether Terence Stamp had anything to do with the story? 

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rudi must stay
Just now, Maple Leaf said:

On a Scottish quiz show:

 

Host:  Where is Santa Fe?

 

Contestant:  The North Pole

 

Host:  That's correct.

Superb 

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16 minutes ago, Maple Leaf said:

On a Scottish quiz show:

 

Host:  Where is Santa Fe?

 

Contestant:  The North Pole

 

Host:  That's correct.

 

Groan. :laugh:

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19 hours ago, Maple Leaf said:

On a Scottish quiz show:

 

Host:  Where is Santa Fe?

 

Contestant:  The North Pole

 

Host:  That's correct.

 

:lol:

 

If you're not Scottish you aren't getting that one!

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N Lincs Jambo

Q) Why can’t Miss Piggy count to 70?

 

A) Because when she gets to 69 she gets a frog in her throat 

 

Just related to me by my 22 year old daughter 🤦‍♂️

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What's worse than two girls running with scissors?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Two girls scissoring with the runs.

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4 hours ago, Dawnrazor said:

What's worse than two girls running with scissors?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Two girls scissoring with the runs.

:wavey:

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5 hours ago, Dawnrazor said:

What's worse than two girls running with scissors?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Two girls scissoring with the runs.

Sounds like someone "accidentally" stumbled across a video of this on Xhamster.

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Back in the days of the old wild west, cowboys would put a lantern on their saddle at night so they could find the trail when they were far from home.

This is the earliest recorded use of saddle light navigation. 

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14 hours ago, superjack said:

Back in the days of the old wild west, cowboys would put a lantern on their saddle at night so they could find the trail when they were far from home.

This is the earliest recorded use of saddle light navigation. 

😃

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On 22/09/2023 at 13:35, I P Knightley said:

Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of Ryanair, after arriving in a hotel in Manchester, went to the bar and asked for a pint of Guinness.

The barman nodded and said, "That will be £1 please, Mr. O’Leary."

 

Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.

 

"Well, we do try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "And we are serving free pints every Wednesday from 6 pm until 8 pm. We have the cheapest beer in England".

 

"That is remarkable value", Michael comments.

 

"I see you don't seem to have a glass, so you'll probably need one of ours. That will be £3 please."

O'Leary scowled, but paid up.

 

He took his drink and walked towards a seat. "Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra £2. You could have pre-booked the seat, and it would have only cost you £1."

 

"I think you may be too big for the seat sir, can I ask you to sit in this frame please". Michael attempts to sit down but the frame is too small and when he can't squeeze in, he complains "Nobody would fit in that little frame".

 

"I'm afraid if you can't fit in the frame you'll have to pay an extra surcharge of £4 for your seat sir".

 

O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up.

 

"I see that you have brought your laptop with you" added the barman. "And since that wasn't pre-booked either, that will be another £3."

 

O'Leary was so incensed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on the counter, and yelled, "This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the manager".

"I see you want to use the counter," says the barman, "that will be £2 please."

 

O'Leary's face was red with rage. "Do you know who I am?"

"Of course I do Mr. O'Leary."

"I've had enough! What sort of a Hotel is this? I come in for a quiet drink and you treat me like this. I insist on speaking to a manager!"

 

"Here is his e-mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9.00 am and 9.01am every morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free phone number. Calls are free, until they are answered, then there is a talking charge of only £1 per second, or part thereof".

 

"I will never use this bar again".

 

"OK sir, but do remember, we are the only hotel in England selling pints for £1." 

 

Very clever.

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