Cairneyhill Jambo Posted October 9 Share Posted October 9 I've got a hot date with a lass that identifies as a green wheely bin. I can`t remember if I`m taking her out this Thursday or next Thursday. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sleepy head Posted October 9 Share Posted October 9 9 hours ago, Cairneyhill Jambo said: I've got a hot date with a lass that identifies as a green wheely bin. I can`t remember if I`m taking her out this Thursday or next Thursday. That's a rubbish joke. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wee Mikey Posted October 10 Share Posted October 10 3 hours ago, Sleepy head said: That's a rubbish joke. That 'joke' needs binned. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted October 10 Share Posted October 10 2 hours ago, Wee Mikey said: That 'joke' needs binned. That's the problem when Jokes are continually recycled Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wee Mikey Posted October 10 Share Posted October 10 52 minutes ago, superjack said: That's the problem when Jokes are continually recycled Top tip:- 'Act Your Age' which can be got on BBC Sounds is a hoot for 'Unashamedly Crap Jokes' during the intros but has some genuinely laugh out loud moments during the show. Series 2 is particularly funny. Defo not 'highbrow' and has some proper 'old time' gags to upset any sensitive types. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wee Mikey Posted October 12 Share Posted October 12 The bloke who mistook tip-ex for liquid viagra? He woke up with a HUGE correction. 🤭 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tazio Posted October 12 Share Posted October 12 I bought a nice 12 year old whisky. His mum was furious. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
samgolden Posted October 21 Share Posted October 21 On 10/10/2023 at 06:49, superjack said: That's the problem when Jokes are continually recycled I refuse to laugh at that joke Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jamstomorrow Posted October 23 Share Posted October 23 On 09/10/2023 at 15:20, Cairneyhill Jambo said: I've got a hot date with a lass that identifies as a green wheely bin. I can`t remember if I`m taking her out this Thursday or next Thursday. Needs dumped! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gundermann Posted October 23 Share Posted October 23 Ho-hum... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ri Alban Posted October 23 Share Posted October 23 On 09/10/2023 at 15:20, Cairneyhill Jambo said: I've got a hot date with a lass that identifies as a green wheely bin. I can`t remember if I`m taking her out this Thursday or next Thursday. Recycling old jokes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ri Alban Posted October 23 Share Posted October 23 I think I've already told thus, but ... Why do women get periods? Cause they deserve them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ri Alban Posted October 23 Share Posted October 23 What do you call a dog with no tongue? Smelly baws. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted October 23 Share Posted October 23 1 hour ago, ri Alban said: I think I've already told thus, but ... Why do women get periods? Cause they deserve them. Why do women have legs? Have you seen the mess that snails leave behind them? (probably recycled from pages back in this thread!) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted October 23 Share Posted October 23 1 hour ago, ri Alban said: I think I've already told thus, but ... Why do women get periods? Cause they deserve them. Why do women wear make-up and perfume? Because they're ugly and smelly! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ri Alban Posted October 24 Share Posted October 24 :😀 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted October 25 Share Posted October 25 A man is walking home alone late one foggy Halloween night, when behind him he hears:BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him. FASTER...FASTER..BUMP...BUMP...BUMP......He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping.clappity-BUMP...clappity-BUMP....clappity-BUMP...on his heels, as the terrified man runs. Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, he locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.Bumping and clapping toward him.The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket, and, The coffin stops. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wee Mikey Posted October 25 Share Posted October 25 Last night, I was listening to a 'high-brow' Radio 4 programme from a few years ago and laughed out loud at the woman who described her teenage daughter's reaction to her coming down the stairs wearing a short leopard-print skirt for a night out. Her daughter was aghast, exclaiming, "You can't go out looking like that!" Listen from 19 mins, although the entire episode is a hoot. Actually, every episode of this long-running series is superb. https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/b092gkkl?partner=uk.co.bbc&origin=share-mobile Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ulysses Posted October 25 Share Posted October 25 (I'll get my coat...) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dawnrazor Posted November 1 Share Posted November 1 What's Yellow and sinks? . . . . . . An Airflo Floating Line. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carl Fredrickson Posted November 3 Share Posted November 3 An elderly man rear-ended a guy driving an expensive European sports car… Enraged, the guy hops out and confronts the old man. He yells, "Look what you did to my car…!!!” "You're going to give me $10,000 right now or I'm going to beat you to a pulp!" "Oh my…" the old man said nervously, "I don't have that kind of money.” “Let me call my son…,” he said with hope, “he trains dolphins and he will know what to do." "Dolphins..!?!?!" the other driver huffed, while rolling his eyes. The old man pulled out his phone, dialed his son, and just as his son answered, the irate man snatched the phone away from the old man. "So, YOU'RE a dolphin trainer, huh..?!?!” The irate man yelled, “Well, your old man here just rear-ended my car and I need TEN GRAND right now, or I'm going to beat you AND your old man to a pulp…!!" "I'll be there in 10 minutes," says the voice calmly on the other end. Exactly 10 minutes later, a Jeep pulls up and a guy hops out and proceeds to pulverize the bully, leaving him in a heap on the side of the road. When he finished, he walked over to his father and said…. "For the last time dad, I train Seals… Navy Seals.” “NOT dolphins..!!” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted November 3 Share Posted November 3 1 hour ago, Carl Fredrickson said: An elderly man rear-ended a guy driving an expensive European sports car… Enraged, the guy hops out and confronts the old man. He yells, "Look what you did to my car…!!!” "You're going to give me $10,000 right now or I'm going to beat you to a pulp!" "Oh my…" the old man said nervously, "I don't have that kind of money.” “Let me call my son…,” he said with hope, “he trains dolphins and he will know what to do." "Dolphins..!?!?!" the other driver huffed, while rolling his eyes. The old man pulled out his phone, dialed his son, and just as his son answered, the irate man snatched the phone away from the old man. "So, YOU'RE a dolphin trainer, huh..?!?!” The irate man yelled, “Well, your old man here just rear-ended my car and I need TEN GRAND right now, or I'm going to beat you AND your old man to a pulp…!!" "I'll be there in 10 minutes," says the voice calmly on the other end. Exactly 10 minutes later, a Jeep pulls up and a guy hops out and proceeds to pulverize the bully, leaving him in a heap on the side of the road. When he finished, he walked over to his father and said…. "For the last time dad, I train Seals… Navy Seals.” “NOT dolphins..!!” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted November 4 Share Posted November 4 (edited) There are 3 sisters, Ann Mary and F anny Ann and Mary are on a double date. As they meet their dates, both of the guys exclaim "look how big your feet are, both of you". Ann replied "you should see our F annys, they're even more massive". Edited November 4 by superjack Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carl Fredrickson Posted November 5 Share Posted November 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dawnrazor Posted November 5 Share Posted November 5 My mates wife got a tattoo of a sea shell high up on her inner thigh, he recons if you put your ear to it you can smell the sea side. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carl Fredrickson Posted November 5 Share Posted November 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carl Fredrickson Posted November 9 Share Posted November 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
martoon Posted November 10 Share Posted November 10 On 05/11/2023 at 09:32, Carl Fredrickson said: 😄 Very few jokes on this thread make me chuckle but that did. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carl Fredrickson Posted November 11 Share Posted November 11 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tazio Posted November 12 Share Posted November 12 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Real Maroonblood Posted November 12 Share Posted November 12 11 minutes ago, Tazio said: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carl Fredrickson Posted November 12 Share Posted November 12 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Real Maroonblood Posted November 12 Share Posted November 12 4 minutes ago, Carl Fredrickson said: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carl Fredrickson Posted November 12 Share Posted November 12 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carl Fredrickson Posted November 14 Share Posted November 14 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carl Fredrickson Posted November 14 Share Posted November 14 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted November 15 Share Posted November 15 In 1969, Michael Caine & Terence Stamp were close flat mates, and lived in a 3 bed 3 bathroom Penthouse apartment in Berkley Sq, near to Green Park, London W1. During the summer of 69, they had this big show biz party, The Stones, The Beatles, Eric Clapton, Jimi Hendrix and The Doors were all there to name a few. Jim Morrison comes up to M. Caine and say’s "it a great party but there not enough girls". Micheal says "There two gorgeous models have just turned up" Jim Morrison ask's', "do you think they will give me a Blow Job”? Michael replies "I think they give the whole band a Blow Job” For the next hour, The Doors and the models all disappear into one of the bedrooms. When the models come out from the bed room, Ringo Star goes up to them both and says, "I see you had some fun with the Doors, "I don't suppose you both fancy giving me a Blow Job”? and they both replied, "It will be an Honour” and they all disappear into one of the bath rooms. Five minutes later, Michael Caine storms into the bathroom and shouts out, while whacking the girls around the head, "YOUR ONLY SUPPOSED TO BLOW THE BLOODY DOORS OFF". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted November 15 Share Posted November 15 52 minutes ago, superjack said: In 1969, Michael Caine & Terence Stamp were close flat mates, and lived in a 3 bed 3 bathroom Penthouse apartment in Berkley Sq, near to Green Park, London W1. During the summer of 69, they had this big show biz party, The Stones, The Beatles, Eric Clapton, Jimi Hendrix and The Doors were all there to name a few. Jim Morrison comes up to M. Caine and say’s "it a great party but there not enough girls". Micheal says "There two gorgeous models have just turned up" Jim Morrison ask's', "do you think they will give me a Blow Job”? Michael replies "I think they give the whole band a Blow Job” For the next hour, The Doors and the models all disappear into one of the bedrooms. When the models come out from the bed room, Ringo Star goes up to them both and says, "I see you had some fun with the Doors, "I don't suppose you both fancy giving me a Blow Job”? and they both replied, "It will be an Honour” and they all disappear into one of the bath rooms. Five minutes later, Michael Caine storms into the bathroom and shouts out, while whacking the girls around the head, "YOUR ONLY SUPPOSED TO BLOW THE BLOODY DOORS OFF". Absolutely fitting in with the thread title! Any idea whether Terence Stamp had anything to do with the story? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ulysses Posted November 15 Share Posted November 15 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rudi must stay Posted November 17 Share Posted November 17 Which tennis player lives a life full of regret? Jannik Sinner Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted November 17 Share Posted November 17 On a Scottish quiz show: Host: Where is Santa Fe? Contestant: The North Pole Host: That's correct. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rudi must stay Posted November 17 Share Posted November 17 Just now, Maple Leaf said: On a Scottish quiz show: Host: Where is Santa Fe? Contestant: The North Pole Host: That's correct. Superb Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ulysses Posted November 17 Share Posted November 17 16 minutes ago, Maple Leaf said: On a Scottish quiz show: Host: Where is Santa Fe? Contestant: The North Pole Host: That's correct. Groan. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carl Fredrickson Posted November 18 Share Posted November 18 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted November 18 Share Posted November 18 19 hours ago, Maple Leaf said: On a Scottish quiz show: Host: Where is Santa Fe? Contestant: The North Pole Host: That's correct. If you're not Scottish you aren't getting that one! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
N Lincs Jambo Posted November 20 Share Posted November 20 Q) Why can’t Miss Piggy count to 70? A) Because when she gets to 69 she gets a frog in her throat Just related to me by my 22 year old daughter 🤦♂️ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rudi must stay Posted November 26 Share Posted November 26 Which England manager ate the healthiest? Terry Vegetables Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dawnrazor Posted November 27 Share Posted November 27 What's worse than two girls running with scissors? Two girls scissoring with the runs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted November 27 Share Posted November 27 4 hours ago, Dawnrazor said: What's worse than two girls running with scissors? Two girls scissoring with the runs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted November 27 Share Posted November 27 5 hours ago, Dawnrazor said: What's worse than two girls running with scissors? Two girls scissoring with the runs. Sounds like someone "accidentally" stumbled across a video of this on Xhamster. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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