Wee Mikey Posted October 12, 2023 Share Posted October 12, 2023 The bloke who mistook tip-ex for liquid viagra? He woke up with a HUGE correction. 🤭 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tazio Posted October 12, 2023 Share Posted October 12, 2023 I bought a nice 12 year old whisky. His mum was furious. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
samgolden Posted October 21, 2023 Share Posted October 21, 2023 On 10/10/2023 at 06:49, superjack said: That's the problem when Jokes are continually recycled I refuse to laugh at that joke Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jamstomorrow Posted October 23, 2023 Share Posted October 23, 2023 On 09/10/2023 at 15:20, Cairneyhill Jambo said: I've got a hot date with a lass that identifies as a green wheely bin. I can`t remember if I`m taking her out this Thursday or next Thursday. Needs dumped! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gundermann Posted October 23, 2023 Share Posted October 23, 2023 Ho-hum... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ri Alban Posted October 23, 2023 Share Posted October 23, 2023 On 09/10/2023 at 15:20, Cairneyhill Jambo said: I've got a hot date with a lass that identifies as a green wheely bin. I can`t remember if I`m taking her out this Thursday or next Thursday. Recycling old jokes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ri Alban Posted October 23, 2023 Share Posted October 23, 2023 I think I've already told thus, but ... Why do women get periods? Cause they deserve them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ri Alban Posted October 23, 2023 Share Posted October 23, 2023 What do you call a dog with no tongue? Smelly baws. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted October 23, 2023 Share Posted October 23, 2023 1 hour ago, ri Alban said: I think I've already told thus, but ... Why do women get periods? Cause they deserve them. Why do women have legs? Have you seen the mess that snails leave behind them? (probably recycled from pages back in this thread!) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted October 23, 2023 Share Posted October 23, 2023 1 hour ago, ri Alban said: I think I've already told thus, but ... Why do women get periods? Cause they deserve them. Why do women wear make-up and perfume? Because they're ugly and smelly! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ri Alban Posted October 24, 2023 Share Posted October 24, 2023 :😀 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted October 25, 2023 Share Posted October 25, 2023 A man is walking home alone late one foggy Halloween night, when behind him he hears:BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him. FASTER...FASTER..BUMP...BUMP...BUMP......He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping.clappity-BUMP...clappity-BUMP....clappity-BUMP...on his heels, as the terrified man runs. Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, he locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.Bumping and clapping toward him.The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket, and, The coffin stops. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wee Mikey Posted October 25, 2023 Share Posted October 25, 2023 Last night, I was listening to a 'high-brow' Radio 4 programme from a few years ago and laughed out loud at the woman who described her teenage daughter's reaction to her coming down the stairs wearing a short leopard-print skirt for a night out. Her daughter was aghast, exclaiming, "You can't go out looking like that!" Listen from 19 mins, although the entire episode is a hoot. Actually, every episode of this long-running series is superb. https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/b092gkkl?partner=uk.co.bbc&origin=share-mobile Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ulysses Posted October 25, 2023 Share Posted October 25, 2023 (I'll get my coat...) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dawnrazor Posted November 1, 2023 Share Posted November 1, 2023 What's Yellow and sinks? . . . . . . An Airflo Floating Line. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carl Fredrickson Posted November 3, 2023 Share Posted November 3, 2023 An elderly man rear-ended a guy driving an expensive European sports car… Enraged, the guy hops out and confronts the old man. He yells, "Look what you did to my car…!!!” "You're going to give me $10,000 right now or I'm going to beat you to a pulp!" "Oh my…" the old man said nervously, "I don't have that kind of money.” “Let me call my son…,” he said with hope, “he trains dolphins and he will know what to do." "Dolphins..!?!?!" the other driver huffed, while rolling his eyes. The old man pulled out his phone, dialed his son, and just as his son answered, the irate man snatched the phone away from the old man. "So, YOU'RE a dolphin trainer, huh..?!?!” The irate man yelled, “Well, your old man here just rear-ended my car and I need TEN GRAND right now, or I'm going to beat you AND your old man to a pulp…!!" "I'll be there in 10 minutes," says the voice calmly on the other end. Exactly 10 minutes later, a Jeep pulls up and a guy hops out and proceeds to pulverize the bully, leaving him in a heap on the side of the road. When he finished, he walked over to his father and said…. "For the last time dad, I train Seals… Navy Seals.” “NOT dolphins..!!” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted November 3, 2023 Share Posted November 3, 2023 1 hour ago, Carl Fredrickson said: An elderly man rear-ended a guy driving an expensive European sports car… Enraged, the guy hops out and confronts the old man. He yells, "Look what you did to my car…!!!” "You're going to give me $10,000 right now or I'm going to beat you to a pulp!" "Oh my…" the old man said nervously, "I don't have that kind of money.” “Let me call my son…,” he said with hope, “he trains dolphins and he will know what to do." "Dolphins..!?!?!" the other driver huffed, while rolling his eyes. The old man pulled out his phone, dialed his son, and just as his son answered, the irate man snatched the phone away from the old man. "So, YOU'RE a dolphin trainer, huh..?!?!” The irate man yelled, “Well, your old man here just rear-ended my car and I need TEN GRAND right now, or I'm going to beat you AND your old man to a pulp…!!" "I'll be there in 10 minutes," says the voice calmly on the other end. Exactly 10 minutes later, a Jeep pulls up and a guy hops out and proceeds to pulverize the bully, leaving him in a heap on the side of the road. When he finished, he walked over to his father and said…. "For the last time dad, I train Seals… Navy Seals.” “NOT dolphins..!!” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted November 4, 2023 Share Posted November 4, 2023 (edited) There are 3 sisters, Ann Mary and F anny Ann and Mary are on a double date. As they meet their dates, both of the guys exclaim "look how big your feet are, both of you". Ann replied "you should see our F annys, they're even more massive". Edited November 4, 2023 by superjack Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carl Fredrickson Posted November 5, 2023 Share Posted November 5, 2023 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dawnrazor Posted November 5, 2023 Share Posted November 5, 2023 My mates wife got a tattoo of a sea shell high up on her inner thigh, he recons if you put your ear to it you can smell the sea side. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carl Fredrickson Posted November 5, 2023 Share Posted November 5, 2023 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carl Fredrickson Posted November 9, 2023 Share Posted November 9, 2023 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
martoon Posted November 10, 2023 Share Posted November 10, 2023 On 05/11/2023 at 09:32, Carl Fredrickson said: 😄 Very few jokes on this thread make me chuckle but that did. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carl Fredrickson Posted November 11, 2023 Share Posted November 11, 2023 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tazio Posted November 12, 2023 Share Posted November 12, 2023 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Real Maroonblood Posted November 12, 2023 Share Posted November 12, 2023 11 minutes ago, Tazio said: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carl Fredrickson Posted November 12, 2023 Share Posted November 12, 2023 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Real Maroonblood Posted November 12, 2023 Share Posted November 12, 2023 4 minutes ago, Carl Fredrickson said: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carl Fredrickson Posted November 12, 2023 Share Posted November 12, 2023 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carl Fredrickson Posted November 14, 2023 Share Posted November 14, 2023 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carl Fredrickson Posted November 14, 2023 Share Posted November 14, 2023 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted November 15, 2023 Share Posted November 15, 2023 In 1969, Michael Caine & Terence Stamp were close flat mates, and lived in a 3 bed 3 bathroom Penthouse apartment in Berkley Sq, near to Green Park, London W1. During the summer of 69, they had this big show biz party, The Stones, The Beatles, Eric Clapton, Jimi Hendrix and The Doors were all there to name a few. Jim Morrison comes up to M. Caine and say’s "it a great party but there not enough girls". Micheal says "There two gorgeous models have just turned up" Jim Morrison ask's', "do you think they will give me a Blow Job”? Michael replies "I think they give the whole band a Blow Job” For the next hour, The Doors and the models all disappear into one of the bedrooms. When the models come out from the bed room, Ringo Star goes up to them both and says, "I see you had some fun with the Doors, "I don't suppose you both fancy giving me a Blow Job”? and they both replied, "It will be an Honour” and they all disappear into one of the bath rooms. Five minutes later, Michael Caine storms into the bathroom and shouts out, while whacking the girls around the head, "YOUR ONLY SUPPOSED TO BLOW THE BLOODY DOORS OFF". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted November 15, 2023 Share Posted November 15, 2023 52 minutes ago, superjack said: In 1969, Michael Caine & Terence Stamp were close flat mates, and lived in a 3 bed 3 bathroom Penthouse apartment in Berkley Sq, near to Green Park, London W1. During the summer of 69, they had this big show biz party, The Stones, The Beatles, Eric Clapton, Jimi Hendrix and The Doors were all there to name a few. Jim Morrison comes up to M. Caine and say’s "it a great party but there not enough girls". Micheal says "There two gorgeous models have just turned up" Jim Morrison ask's', "do you think they will give me a Blow Job”? Michael replies "I think they give the whole band a Blow Job” For the next hour, The Doors and the models all disappear into one of the bedrooms. When the models come out from the bed room, Ringo Star goes up to them both and says, "I see you had some fun with the Doors, "I don't suppose you both fancy giving me a Blow Job”? and they both replied, "It will be an Honour” and they all disappear into one of the bath rooms. Five minutes later, Michael Caine storms into the bathroom and shouts out, while whacking the girls around the head, "YOUR ONLY SUPPOSED TO BLOW THE BLOODY DOORS OFF". Absolutely fitting in with the thread title! Any idea whether Terence Stamp had anything to do with the story? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ulysses Posted November 15, 2023 Share Posted November 15, 2023 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rudi must stay Posted November 17, 2023 Share Posted November 17, 2023 Which tennis player lives a life full of regret? Jannik Sinner Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted November 17, 2023 Share Posted November 17, 2023 On a Scottish quiz show: Host: Where is Santa Fe? Contestant: The North Pole Host: That's correct. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rudi must stay Posted November 17, 2023 Share Posted November 17, 2023 Just now, Maple Leaf said: On a Scottish quiz show: Host: Where is Santa Fe? Contestant: The North Pole Host: That's correct. Superb Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ulysses Posted November 17, 2023 Share Posted November 17, 2023 16 minutes ago, Maple Leaf said: On a Scottish quiz show: Host: Where is Santa Fe? Contestant: The North Pole Host: That's correct. Groan. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carl Fredrickson Posted November 18, 2023 Share Posted November 18, 2023 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted November 18, 2023 Share Posted November 18, 2023 19 hours ago, Maple Leaf said: On a Scottish quiz show: Host: Where is Santa Fe? Contestant: The North Pole Host: That's correct. If you're not Scottish you aren't getting that one! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
N Lincs Jambo Posted November 20, 2023 Share Posted November 20, 2023 Q) Why can’t Miss Piggy count to 70? A) Because when she gets to 69 she gets a frog in her throat Just related to me by my 22 year old daughter 🤦♂️ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rudi must stay Posted November 26, 2023 Share Posted November 26, 2023 Which England manager ate the healthiest? Terry Vegetables Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dawnrazor Posted November 27, 2023 Share Posted November 27, 2023 What's worse than two girls running with scissors? Two girls scissoring with the runs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted November 27, 2023 Share Posted November 27, 2023 4 hours ago, Dawnrazor said: What's worse than two girls running with scissors? Two girls scissoring with the runs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted November 27, 2023 Share Posted November 27, 2023 5 hours ago, Dawnrazor said: What's worse than two girls running with scissors? Two girls scissoring with the runs. Sounds like someone "accidentally" stumbled across a video of this on Xhamster. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted November 27, 2023 Share Posted November 27, 2023 Back in the days of the old wild west, cowboys would put a lantern on their saddle at night so they could find the trail when they were far from home. This is the earliest recorded use of saddle light navigation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stuart Lyon Posted November 28, 2023 Share Posted November 28, 2023 14 hours ago, superjack said: Back in the days of the old wild west, cowboys would put a lantern on their saddle at night so they could find the trail when they were far from home. This is the earliest recorded use of saddle light navigation. 😃 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Japan Jambo Posted November 28, 2023 Share Posted November 28, 2023 On 22/09/2023 at 13:35, I P Knightley said: Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of Ryanair, after arriving in a hotel in Manchester, went to the bar and asked for a pint of Guinness. The barman nodded and said, "That will be £1 please, Mr. O’Leary." Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money. "Well, we do try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "And we are serving free pints every Wednesday from 6 pm until 8 pm. We have the cheapest beer in England". "That is remarkable value", Michael comments. "I see you don't seem to have a glass, so you'll probably need one of ours. That will be £3 please." O'Leary scowled, but paid up. He took his drink and walked towards a seat. "Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra £2. You could have pre-booked the seat, and it would have only cost you £1." "I think you may be too big for the seat sir, can I ask you to sit in this frame please". Michael attempts to sit down but the frame is too small and when he can't squeeze in, he complains "Nobody would fit in that little frame". "I'm afraid if you can't fit in the frame you'll have to pay an extra surcharge of £4 for your seat sir". O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up. "I see that you have brought your laptop with you" added the barman. "And since that wasn't pre-booked either, that will be another £3." O'Leary was so incensed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on the counter, and yelled, "This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the manager". "I see you want to use the counter," says the barman, "that will be £2 please." O'Leary's face was red with rage. "Do you know who I am?" "Of course I do Mr. O'Leary." "I've had enough! What sort of a Hotel is this? I come in for a quiet drink and you treat me like this. I insist on speaking to a manager!" "Here is his e-mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9.00 am and 9.01am every morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free phone number. Calls are free, until they are answered, then there is a talking charge of only £1 per second, or part thereof". "I will never use this bar again". "OK sir, but do remember, we are the only hotel in England selling pints for £1." Very clever. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carl Fredrickson Posted November 29, 2023 Share Posted November 29, 2023 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
That thing you do Posted November 29, 2023 Share Posted November 29, 2023 (edited) What kind of shoes do bananas wear? Slippers. Edited November 29, 2023 by That thing you do Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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