Unashamedly crap jokes (some are pure gold!)

[Morgan]

15 hours ago, Watt-Zeefuik said:

Probably the wrong thread, but just going to post this since I'm at the airport and there's a man passed out on the baggage claim carousel.

 

Oh no, wait, he's slowly coming around.

[Maple Leaf]

In the trenches of WWI, a Scottish battalion is about to attack.  The battalion piper leaps out of the trench, accompanied by four soldiers, and marches bravely toward the enemy lines, playing loudly.  There's a burst of machine gun fire and one of the soldiers falls.

The piper continues towards the enemy, still playing.  Another burst of machine gun fire and a second soldier falls.

The piper continues to advance, still playing.  Another burst of machine gun fire and a third soldier falls.

The last soldier shouts at the piper, "For **** sake, can you no' play something they like?"

[Chairman of the Bored]

Police cybersecurity team turned up at my house and seized my computer. They told me that, unbeknown to me, there had been a rogue document on the hard drive accessing inappropriate images of kids.

 

Turned out it was a pdf file.

[Ron Burgundy]

Found two pairs of used women's knickers in the stair last night. Some real weirdos out there. Anyway the black pair looked newish and smelt fairly fresh.

[Auld Reekin']

On 14/07/2025 at 19:58, Maple Leaf said:

In the trenches of WWI, a Scottish battalion is about to attack.  The battalion piper leaps out of the trench, accompanied by four soldiers, and marches bravely toward the enemy lines, playing loudly.  There's a burst of machine gun fire and one of the soldiers falls.

The piper continues towards the enemy, still playing.  Another burst of machine gun fire and a second soldier falls.

The piper continues to advance, still playing.  Another burst of machine gun fire and a third soldier falls.

The last soldier shouts at the piper, "For **** sake, can you no' play something they like?"

 

[Auld Reekin']

39 minutes ago, Ron Burgundy said:

Found two pairs of used women's knickers in the stair last night. Some real weirdos out there. Anyway the black pair looked newish and smelt fairly fresh.

 

[Morgan]

57 minutes ago, Ron Burgundy said:

Found two pairs of used women's knickers in the stair last night. Some real weirdos out there. Anyway the black pair looked newish and smelt fairly fresh.

[lost in space]

2 hours ago, Ron Burgundy said:

Found two pairs of used women's knickers in the stair last night. Some real weirdos out there. Anyway the black pair looked newish and smelt fairly fresh.

You are on the wrong thread. You should have posted on -

"Things people don't know about you".

 

Although, they know about you now......

[Maple Leaf]

[Dick Dastardly]

5 hours ago, Ron Burgundy said:

Found two pairs of used women's knickers in the stair last night. Some real weirdos out there. Anyway the black pair looked newish and smelt fairly fresh.

😂😂😂

[Dick Dastardly]

Who was the most relevant out of the Jackson 5? 

 

Jermaine.

[Ulysses]

1 hour ago, Dick Dastardly said:

Who was the most relevant out of the Jackson 5? 

 

Jermaine.

 

 

 

 

[rudi must stay]

Whos Snoop Doggs wife?

 

Snoop Cat

Edited July 17, 2025 by rudi must stay

[cookieboy]

passed an RAC patrolman earlier at the side of the road , bawling his eyes out banging his head off steering wheel . 

think he was heading for a breakdown 

[Dawnrazor]

[Dennis Denuto]

12 hours ago, rudi must stay said:

Whos Snoop Doggs wife?

 

Snoop Cat

Snoop Bitch surely????

[Morgan]

14 hours ago, rudi must stay said:

Whos Snoop Doggs wife?

 

Snoop Cat

Dogs marry cats?

 

[I P Knightley]

58 minutes ago, Morgan said:

Dogs marry cats?

 

Rudi's contributions to the "Unashamedly Crap Jokes" thread are the Ronseal of posts. 

[Morgan]

42 minutes ago, I P Knightley said:

Rudi's contributions to the "Unashamedly Crap Jokes" thread are the Ronseal of posts. 

Yes, they do exactly as it says on the cat.

[Dawnrazor]

[superjack]

36 minutes ago, Dawnrazor said:

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

[superjack]

A Scottish couple on holiday in America were out  golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball dinna knock oot any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix." 

The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost." 

They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?" 

"Uh, yeah. Sorry aboot at," the husband replied. 

"No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes -- I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself." 

"OK, great!" the husband said. "I want a million quid  a year for the rest oh ma life." "No problem-it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife. "I want a hoose in every country oh e world," she said. 

"Consider it done," the genie replied. 

"You know what, genie, maybe we can repay you by making one of YOUR wishes come true... what's your wish, genie?" the husband said. 

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife." 

The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot oh money and all those hooses, honey. I guess I don't care." The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours. 

After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?" 

"35," she replied. 

"And he still believes in genies? That's amazing!"

[Dick Dastardly]

4 hours ago, Dawnrazor said:

😆😆😆

[Morgan]

6 hours ago, Dawnrazor said:

[cookieboy]

On 19/07/2025 at 12:06, Dawnrazor said:

[Tazio]

I bought a vinyl record yesterday called "Sounds Wasps make".
When I got home and played it, I said to myself, “This doesn't sound anything like wasps." 
Then I realised, I was playing the bee side..

[Ulysses]

1 minute ago, Tazio said:

I bought a vinyl record yesterday called "Sounds Wasps make".
When I got home and played it, I said to myself, “This doesn't sound anything like wasps." 
Then I realised, I was playing the bee side..

 

Feck off, Tazio.   

[il Duce McTarkin]

5 hours ago, Tazio said:

I bought a vinyl record yesterday called "Sounds Wasps make".
When I got home and played it, I said to myself, “This doesn't sound anything like wasps." 
Then I realised, I was playing the bee side..

 

ffs

[I P Knightley]

15 hours ago, Tazio said:

I bought a vinyl record yesterday called "Sounds Wasps make".
When I got home and played it, I said to myself, “This doesn't sound anything like wasps." 
Then I realised, I was playing the bee side..

Well played, Taz!!

[Watt-Zeefuik]

In 3025 years, life will be either really good or really bad.

 

It's 5050.

[Dawnrazor]

[PortyJambo]

2 hours ago, Dawnrazor said:

[superjack]

3 hours ago, Dawnrazor said:

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

[Tazio]

The first rule of "Condescending Club" is really quite complex - and to be honest with you, I don't think you'd understand it even if I explained it to you in very simplistic terms.

[Morgan]

On 23/07/2025 at 15:55, Dawnrazor said:

[I P Knightley]

37 minutes ago, Tazio said:

The first rule of "Condescending Club" is really quite complex - and to be honest with you, I don't think you'd understand it even if I explained it to you in very simplistic terms.

Consider that stolen!!

[Chairman of the Bored]

Vincent Van Gogh, Pablo Picasso, Claude Monet, and Leonardo De Vinci are all eating at a nice restaurant when the waitress comes around with the bill.

 

They’d all ordered the same item and had previously agreed to split the bill four ways.

When they looked at the check, however, they saw that the 10% gratuity would not split evenly, so one of them would end up paying an extra $0.01.

“We should have an art competition to decide,” Da Vinci said, “then we shall have our waitress decide whose piece is the worst. He will pay the cent.”

They agreed on this, but could not agree on what they would all sketch.

“I say we draw that man over there, eating alone,” Da Vinci suggested.

“No,” Monet said. “It would take too long to get a sketch, and besides, I would be disadvantaged compared to all of you.”

The other three could see he was correct, and so portraits were out.

“I suggest we all draw this beautiful flower centerpiece in the middle of the table,” he said after a while.

Picasso then spoke up, saying, “No, because Leonardo and myself will be at a disadvantage.”

Thus, flowers were dismissed, too.

“What if we did the duality of man, expressed by the shifting figures of cubes,” Picasso suggested.

“That one is… too subjective,” Da Vinci said, and this too, was scrapped.

The men argued for a bit more before Van Gogh suddenly stood up and slammed his hands on the table.

“Friends. Portraits, flowers, cubism? The things are much too complex to draw.”

“How about…” he started, his gaze sliding over the table and settling on his glass of absinthe. 

“…we just draw straws?”

[Dawnrazor]

[superjack]

Why does a chicken coop only have 2 doors?

Because if it had 4 doors, it would be a chicken saloon!

[Ulysses]

[Swanny17]

What did d'Artagnan used to write on his postcards?

 

Musketeer! 

[Boof]

Got myself a new car and one of the features is a voice operated entertainment system.

 

While testing it out I shouted 'Beatles'. Just like that, on comes Can't Buy Me Love.

 

Thought that might've just been luck so I tried it again. 'Abba', I bellowed. Would you believe it, Dancing Queen comes on.

 

Just then, as I wis heading around a roundabout someone pulled out right in front of me. '****ing arseholeated wankers', I roared.

 

Next thing I hear...'Mah heart was broken...'

[Fxxx the SPFL]

1 hour ago, Boof said:

Got myself a new car and one of the features is a voice operated entertainment system.

 

While testing it out I shouted 'Beatles'. Just like that, on comes Can't Buy Me Love.

 

Thought that might've just been luck so I tried it again. 'Abba', I bellowed. Would you believe it, Dancing Queen comes on.

 

Just then, as I wis heading around a roundabout someone pulled out right in front of me. '****ing arseholeated wankers', I roared.

 

Next thing I hear...'Mah heart was broken...'

Cracker should be on the Hibs thread in the terrace there’s been a few posts about Proclaimers 

[CostaJambo]

On 25/07/2025 at 14:51, Tazio said:

The first rule of "Condescending Club" is really quite complex - and to be honest with you, I don't think you'd understand it even if I explained it to you in very simplistic terms.

First rule of "Self Motivation Club" is..... oh sod it I can't be bothered explaining.

[Morgan]

14 hours ago, Boof said:

Got myself a new car and one of the features is a voice operated entertainment system.

 

While testing it out I shouted 'Beatles'. Just like that, on comes Can't Buy Me Love.

 

Thought that might've just been luck so I tried it again. 'Abba', I bellowed. Would you believe it, Dancing Queen comes on.

 

Just then, as I wis heading around a roundabout someone pulled out right in front of me. '****ing arseholeated wankers', I roared.

 

Next thing I hear...'Mah heart was broken...'

[superjack]

My phone rang this morning and this guy said "I'm the dandy highwayman and you're to scared to mention, I spend my cash on looking flash and grabbing your attention"

I kept trying to tell him he had the wrong number, but he was adamant!

[superjack]

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “If I show you a wild trick, will you give me a free drink?”

 

The bartender shrugs, “Sure, why not?”

 

The guy reaches into his pocket and pulls out… a tiny rat. Then out of the other pocket, he pulls a teeny-tiny piano.

 

The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and starts playing the blues like a rodent Ray Charles. 

 

Stunned, the bartender pours him a free drink.

 

After finishing it, the guy says, “Now, if I show you an even better trick, do I drink free all night?”

 

“Buddy, if you can top that, you’re drinking on me till closing,” the bartender replies.

 

The man pulls the rat and piano out again, and this time reaches into his coat and pulls out… a small bullfrog.

 

The frog clears his throat and starts belting out soulful blues lyrics. The rat’s playing, the frog’s singing — the bar is dead silent in awe.

 

Suddenly, a man rushes up and says, “I’ll give you £10,000 for that frog!”

 

The guy says, “Nope, not for sale.”

 

“£25,000!”

 

“Nope.”

 

“£50,000! Cash!”

 

“Deal.”

 

The bartender’s jaw drops. “Are you CRAZY? That frog was a gold mine! Why’d you sell him?”

 

The man smirks and says, “Relax. The frog can’t sing... the rat’s a ventriloquist.”

[The Real Maroonblood]

A Scottish priest is driving home when he comes across a dead pig lying on the road. So he calls the police to inform them.
A cocky sergeant answers the Call. "Did ye read him his last rites?" smirks the sergeant.
"Naw." Replies the priest. ""I thought I would inform his next of kin first!"

[Robbo-Jambo]

9 hours ago, The Real Maroonblood said:

A Scottish priest is driving home when he comes across a dead pig lying on the road. So he calls the police to inform them.
A cocky sergeant answers the Call. "Did ye read him his last rites?" smirks the sergeant.
"Naw." Replies the priest. ""I thought I would inform his next of kin first!"

🤣🤣

[I P Knightley]

I'm looking forward to the gig tomorrow night at Murrayfield with Bon Scott, Malcolm Young and Colin Burgess all on stage. 

 

AC/DCeased. 

 

 

They're not doing Fringe Joke of the Year this year, are they? That would have been the surefire winner.