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Unashamedly crap jokes (some are pure gold!)


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Japan Jambo
On 25/12/2023 at 17:27, Carl Fredrickson said:

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Two blokes in the pub are talking about what they bought their wife's for Christmas. First one says I bought the wife an Audi and a diamond necklace, if she doesn't like the necklace she can jump into the car and pop down the jewellers to change it. Second one says great thinking I did something similar, I bought my wife a pair of slippers and a dildo. If she doesn't like the slippers she can go **** herself. 

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mrmarkus1981_1

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death

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11 hours ago, Japan Jambo said:

 

He was definitely punching. She still looks great.

 

Early contender for understatement of the year.

 

She was 22 and he was 40. 

 

22yr old Amanda Holden....Les Dennis.....

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Maple Leaf
On 11/01/2024 at 14:26, Carl Fredrickson said:

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What do you call a magician who's lost his magic?

 

Ian.

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Dawnrazor

I'm starting a diet on Monday, I find dieting difficult, the trouble is I'll eat anything put in front of me............hence the abrupt end to my Gynaecological career. 

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One of my best friends has just been struck off for having an affair with a patient. Damn shame, one of the best vets I’ve ever known. 

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manaliveits105
On 11/01/2024 at 17:18, Dawnrazor said:

6

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Definitely one of life's mysteries 

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Maple Leaf

Pinched from Keith Brown on Facebook.

 

Two Scotsmen go to Hell
A demon approaches the devil and says "Dark lord! Two men from Glasgow in Scotland have been sent here. What should be done with them?"
The devil says "Glaswegians? Their kind are normally very friendly, helpful and honest, so we do not see many such men in my dark domain... Hang them in a cage over the lake of fire for now and I shall check on them later."
But when the devil flew up to the cage to check on the Scotsmen, he found them happily lounging around with their shirts off.
"What is the meaning of this?" The devil cried. "You're supposed to be in torment!"
The Glaswegians looked surprised "Naw" they said "it's pure quality taps aff weather here man. It's no drab an' dreich like Scotland, you know that way?"
Fuming, the devil flew to the great thermostat of Hell and cranked it all the way to the top. And the next day, the temperature was so high that even the demons were sweating, the stones of hell were melting and the flames from the lake of fire were leaping higher than ever before.
So the devil was surprised when he visited the Scotsmen and found that they had somehow procured plastic lawn furniture and Buckfast tonic wine.
Raising a glass to the devil, one of the Scotsmen said "Hey big man! If I'd known it was so lovely an warm doon here, I'd've done a whole lot more sinning! Weather's always shite in Glasgae. Always freezin' ma nuts off, you know?"
"I see." The devil replied, smiling though clenched teeth "your dismal country has given you a great love of heat. The hotter it is, the happier you are. Well, we'll see about that."
So saying, he flew to the great thermostat of Hell once more, but this time, he turned it all the way down.
The next day, the lake of fire was frozen solid for the first time, sinners were frozen in blocks of ice and demons huddled in corners for warmth, their teeth chattering.
But when the devil visited the Scotsmen, he found them jumping for joy, tearfully cheering "Scotland! SCOTLAND!!!"
The devil's jaw dropped. "What? Why? How? I burn you and you are happy! I freeze you and you celebrate! What is wrong with you?"
One of Glaswegians turned back and said "Is it no feckin' obvious ye daft bastart? Hell's frozen over! Scotland's won the world cup!"
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The Jazz Emu
1 hour ago, Carl Fredrickson said:

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My next door neighbour is called Bob, but he's a hairdresser.

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rudi must stay

Who's the most annoying Spanish team?

 

Must be Betis they've got Fekir in the team 

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On 20/01/2024 at 16:08, The Jazz Emu said:

 

My next door neighbour is called Bob, but he's a hairdresser.

Is he French? 

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ericthepen

Posh Lady to bartender "I'd like a G&T, that's a Gin and Tonic"

Bartender "Would you like Ice and Lemon with it ? that's frozen water and fruit  "

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