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Unashamedly crap jokes (some are pure gold!)


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Watt-Zeefuik

May have done this one already but it's been years.

 

A postie is retiring and he goes around and tells all his regulars on his route when his last day is. When the day comes, most just hand him a pound coin but a few give him flowers, cards, or little baggies of baked goods to take with him.

 

He reaches one of the last houses on his route, and a woman comes to the door in an elegant dress, and says, "ah, right, it's your last day, come on in!"

 

He comes in and there's an elegant dining table laid out with a lovely beef roast and potato dinner. She has him sit down and the two of them share the dinner.

 

She then stands up, slips off her dress revealing special lingerie, and invites him upstairs.

 

After the obvious next step occurs, they're lying in bed, and she say, "oh, right!" and reaches over and finds a pound coin and hands it to him.

 

Utterly confused he says, "lady, you're going to have to explain this to me. You invite me in, make me dinner, invite me up, and now a pound coin?"

 

She says, "well, I told my husband, it's the postie's last day today, what should I do? He said, '**** him, give him a pound,' but the dinner was my idea!"

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rudi must stay

Did you hear Hibs are going to enter the swimming championships?

 

It'll suit Will Fish 

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Jamboref51

You'd have thought he was a fish the way he got tangled up in that net on Wednesday night 

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superjack

I was in the pub last night and this bursd came up to me and said that she wanted to take me to see a Monkees tribute band in Switzerland. I thought she was joking....Then I saw her face, now I'm in Geneva.

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Carl Fredrickson
RISHI SUNAK was visiting a Scottish primary school and he visited one of the classes.
 
They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked Mr Sunak if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'.
 
So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a ...'TRAGEDY'.
 
A little boy stood up and offered: 'If ma best freen,... wha lives on a fairm, is playin' in the field an' a tractor runs ower him and kills him, that wid be a 'tragedy.'
 
'No', said Rishi - 'that would be an accident.'
 
A little girl raised her hand: 'If a skool bus kerryin' fufty children drove ower a cliff, killing a'b'dy inside, that wid be a tragedy,
 
'I'm afraid not', explained Rishi - 'that's what we would call a 'great loss''.
 
The room went silent. No other children volunteered.
 
Rishi searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'
 
Finally, at the back of the room, wee Johnny raised his hand... In a quiet voice he said: 'If a plane kerryin' you and the Tory Cabinet wis struck by a 'freendly fire' missile & blawn tae smithereens, that wid be a tragedy.'
 
'Fantastic!' exclaimed Rishi. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'
 
'Weel,' says wee Johnny 'it his tae be a tragedy, because it certainly widnae be a great loss..... and it probably widnae be a *** accident either!
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CostaJambo
On 23/01/2024 at 19:33, Carl Fredrickson said:

image.png.7272dcd7c1342f27bb7622c26903089f.png

My son drank a whole bottle of invisible ink. I took him to A&E but it took ages for him to be seen.

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Seaside Dave

Wad going to tell a joke about a pencil in here but it's pointless 

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Watt-Zeefuik

Apologies for the American vernacular English angle to these...

 

There was a farmer who passed away, and as he was a religious sort, he left his prize donkey to the local Catholic church. Not sure what to do with it, the bishop asked around, and there was a priest at a rural parish who had a bit of land behind the manse. Still, the donkey needed feed and it wasn't free. The farmer had said something about the donkey being a fast runner. So the priest entered it into the weekend races. Shockingly, it came in second. The headlines the next day read,

 

PRIEST'S ASS SHOWS

 

The bishop was none too happy about this headline, but as the cash award was well more than the donkey's feed and care, he was happy for the extra funds. The priest entered the donkey in the next week's races. Even more shockingly, it won. The headlines read,

 

PRIEST'S ASS OUT IN FRONT

 

This was too much for the bishop, who told the priest not to enter it in any more races. The locals, who'd started to enjoy the fun of the speedy donkey, were disappointed. The papers reported,

 

BISHOP SCRATCHES PRIEST'S ASS

 

The bishop was beside himself and ordered the priest to get rid of the animal. Fortunately, a sister at a rural convent contacted the priest and said their convent had a small farm and could always use working animals. Happy with this, the priest gave the animal to her. The papers got wind and reported,

 

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN COUNTY

 

The bishop nearly exploded. He insisted that the donkey be sold to laity so that the church could be done with this notoriety. The nun found another farmer who was happy to take the animal for 20 pounds. When the papers got wind,

 

NUN PEDDLES FINE ASS FOR £20 NOTE

 

Memorial services for the bishop were held that weekend.

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