Morgan Posted July 9, 2022 Share Posted July 9, 2022 24 minutes ago, Led Tasso said: Took me forever to understand it but here's the long and tedious explanation. I told the joke about the walrus getting told by his auto mechanic that he'd blown a seal. A blown seal on an engine can mean many things but often means when the head gasket gets a hole in it so the piston chambers no longer hold compression, and the engine barely functions, and puts out a lot of smoke. It's an expensive repair so hope you never have one. (hopefully the other half of the double meaning is clear enough, I'm not going to explain that one to you.) Heidi Klum dated the singer Seal (did not know that TBH) so the joke would work with her walking into a mechanic. So the implication was that you could re-tell the joke with Heidi Klum instead of a walrus, except that the post said "walks into a bar" which I can only assume was supposed to be "walks into a mechanic." Did I get that right? FWIW the joke was shamelessly lifted off of this old Doctor Demento regular feature. Apologies, the resolution is horrific. Ok, Led, thanks! I think I get it now but it’s not a joke I’ll be rushing to tell folk, that’s for sure! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
A Boy Named Crow Posted July 9, 2022 Share Posted July 9, 2022 Tough crowd in today 😂 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted July 9, 2022 Share Posted July 9, 2022 Easily humoured crowd in today. 🤷🏿♂️👀 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Der Kaiser Posted July 9, 2022 Share Posted July 9, 2022 What we've all learned today is my humour is clearly at a level well above JKBs level. Happy to joke more about boobs and willies and not fly above my station again. Sorry..... (Glad I didnt waste time making my Klumshot emoji) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
A Boy Named Crow Posted July 10, 2022 Share Posted July 10, 2022 4 hours ago, Morgan said: Easily humoured crowd in today. 🤷🏿♂️👀 Such is the vibe of this thread, n'est pas? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted July 10, 2022 Share Posted July 10, 2022 5 hours ago, Der Kaiser said: What we've all learned today is my humour is clearly at a level well above JKBs level. Happy to joke more about boobs and willies and not fly above my station again. Sorry..... (Glad I didnt waste time making my Klumshot emoji) Keep the heid. I thought your comment was clever and got it immediately. But remember the title of the thread ... crap jokes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rudi must stay Posted July 10, 2022 Share Posted July 10, 2022 Whats my birds favourite film One flew over the cuckoo's nest Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kila Posted July 10, 2022 Share Posted July 10, 2022 A man goes to the doctors and says he keeps thinking he’s a supermarket. The doctor asks how long he’d felt like that for and the man replies ‘since I was Lidl’. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShakenNotStirred Posted July 10, 2022 Share Posted July 10, 2022 Glass coffins. Will they ever catch on? Remains to be seen. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dick Dastardly Posted July 11, 2022 Share Posted July 11, 2022 On 01/07/2022 at 22:31, Der Kaiser said: Heidi Klum walks into a bar....... Excellent! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rudi must stay Posted July 11, 2022 Share Posted July 11, 2022 On 09/07/2022 at 22:09, Morgan said: Easily humoured crowd in today. 🤷🏿♂️👀 What did the policeman say to his stomach? You're under a vest Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted July 11, 2022 Share Posted July 11, 2022 In the spirit of Wimbledon I bought a punnet of strawberries and looked to the internet for the best way to serve them. It suggested that I halve the strawberries, dust with icing sugar and pile cream on top. Don't do this!!! Pile cream tastes shite. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted July 12, 2022 Share Posted July 12, 2022 A bloke in hospital is recovering from laser eye surgery. The surgeon comes in and asks if he wants the good news or the bad news first. The bloke excitedly asks for the good news. The surgeon says, "Well, you are about to get a new f*****g dog!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted July 12, 2022 Share Posted July 12, 2022 A vegetarian looked at my burger and said, "You know, a cow died so you could have that burger. " Mid-bite, I looked at his salad and responded, "Maybe it died because you keep eating all its food!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted July 12, 2022 Share Posted July 12, 2022 Right I'm off to grow some facial hair... Must dash! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted July 12, 2022 Share Posted July 12, 2022 My friend has a compulsion of dipping his testicles into glitter… Pretty nuts! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted July 12, 2022 Share Posted July 12, 2022 When I was a kid I used to love building sandcastles with my nan... Then Mum would make me put her back in the urn! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted July 12, 2022 Share Posted July 12, 2022 A British man was killed by a shark while on his honeymoon in Australia... Reports say he didn't suffer too long as he was only married 3 days! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted July 12, 2022 Share Posted July 12, 2022 "Your nan sucks cock!" Classic insult, not so funny when she's whispering it in your ear though! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted July 12, 2022 Share Posted July 12, 2022 I went to a dyslexic barbecue today... We all stood in a line and waited to get our hair cut! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dick Dastardly Posted July 12, 2022 Share Posted July 12, 2022 (edited) 7 hours ago, narre said: When I was a kid I used to love building sandcastles with my nan... Then Mum would make me put her back in the urn! That did make me lol 😂 😂 Edit your run of jokes there made me laugh like f@#k Edited July 12, 2022 by Dick Dastardly Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kiwidoug Posted July 15, 2022 Share Posted July 15, 2022 On 12/07/2022 at 14:00, narre said: A vegetarian looked at my burger and said, "You know, a cow died so you could have that burger. " Mid-bite, I looked at his salad and responded, "Maybe it died because you keep eating all its food!" Superb, I'll use that one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Muppetboy Posted July 15, 2022 Share Posted July 15, 2022 On 11/07/2022 at 00:15, ShakenNotStirred said: Glass coffins. Will they ever catch on? Remains to be seen. 👍😂 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
All roads lead to Gorgie Posted July 15, 2022 Share Posted July 15, 2022 Isn't eBay great. I've sold my homing pigeon three times this week alone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JWL Posted July 15, 2022 Share Posted July 15, 2022 Went on one of they 'Once in a Lifetime' cruises last month. Never again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rudi must stay Posted July 15, 2022 Share Posted July 15, 2022 I saw Barry Manilow quite a few times today Not once, twice, three times a lady Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
milky_26 Posted July 15, 2022 Share Posted July 15, 2022 10 minutes ago, rudi must stay said: I saw Barry Manilow quite a few times today Not once, twice, three times a lady that works better with lionel ritchie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dawnrazor Posted July 15, 2022 Share Posted July 15, 2022 21 minutes ago, milky_26 said: that works better with lionel ritchie 😅 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RobboM Posted July 15, 2022 Share Posted July 15, 2022 2 hours ago, rudi must stay said: I saw Barry Manilow quite a few times today Not once, twice, three times a lady At the Copa? Copacabana? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShakenNotStirred Posted July 15, 2022 Share Posted July 15, 2022 You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShakenNotStirred Posted July 15, 2022 Share Posted July 15, 2022 5 minutes ago, jonesy said: What did the leper say to the hooker? "Keep the tip." 🤣🤣🤣 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted July 16, 2022 Share Posted July 16, 2022 I took a dyslexic girl back to my flat last night... She ended up cooking my sock! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted July 16, 2022 Share Posted July 16, 2022 Whilst driving through Wales with my pal, we stopped off at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch for lunch. I asked the waitress, "Could you settle an argument for us. Can you pronounce where we are, very slowly?" The waitress replied, "Burr gerr King!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted July 16, 2022 Share Posted July 16, 2022 I was rear-ended in my car by an ice-cream van... I'm now suffering from Mr Whippylash! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted July 16, 2022 Share Posted July 16, 2022 9 hours ago, narre said: I took a dyslexic girl back to my flat last night... She ended up cooking my sock! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShakenNotStirred Posted July 16, 2022 Share Posted July 16, 2022 I once had an an interview at a Blacksmith. He asked me, 'Are you any good at shoeing horses?' I replied, 'No, but I once told a donkey to **** off.' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dick Dastardly Posted July 20, 2022 Share Posted July 20, 2022 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
manaliveits105 Posted July 24, 2022 Share Posted July 24, 2022 Read today that humans eat more bananas than monkeys and if you think about it it’s true when is the last time you ate a monkey Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RobNox Posted July 25, 2022 Share Posted July 25, 2022 A frog walks into a bank, approaches one of the tellers and says he's looking for a loan. He can see from her name badge that she's called Patricia Whack. She asks him how much he wants to borrow and he says £20k. She asks the frog his name, he says Kermit. She says, you look nothing like Kermit the frog, I'm not buying that. He explains he's not the real Kermit, he's called Kermit Jagger. His dad is Mick Jagger, who had sex with a frog after a gig and he was the offspring. Mick decided to call him Kermit. She then asks him if he can provide any collateral against the loan. He produces a small pink elephant trinket and says this is all I have, but it's very valuable to me. She looks at the trinket and says she'll have to check with her manager. She talks to her manager and explains the situation, the frog wants a loan but the only collateral he can provide is this small pink elephant and she doesn't know what it is. Her boss says, it's a nick-nack Patty Whack, give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Watt-Zeefuik Posted July 25, 2022 Share Posted July 25, 2022 When my girlfriend left me I turned to the bottle. And now it's stuck in there FFS. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rudi must stay Posted July 28, 2022 Share Posted July 28, 2022 I had a fight with Mick Hucknell there. Something got him started Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted July 31, 2022 Share Posted July 31, 2022 I went to the doctors suffering from premature ejaculation, he said it must be very stressful for your wife. I said, to be perfectly honest Doc, it's getting on her tits. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jit Posted August 3, 2022 Share Posted August 3, 2022 How do you make an apple puff? Chase it round the garden. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted August 5, 2022 Share Posted August 5, 2022 A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognising a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. “This is your suspect, how would you recognise him?” The first blonde answers, “That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he only has one eye!” The policeman says, “Well…uh…that’s because the picture shows his profile.” Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, “This is your suspect, how would you recognise him?” The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, “Ha! He’d be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!” The policeman angrily responds, “What’s the matter with you two?! Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it’s a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with? Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, “This is your suspect, how would you recognise him?” He quickly adds” . . . think hard before giving me a stupid answer.” The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, “Hmmmm . . . the suspect wears contact lenses.” The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn’t know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. “Well, that’s an interesting answer . . . wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I’ll get back to you on that.” He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect’s file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. “Wow! I can’t believe it…it’s TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?” “That’s easy,” the blonde replied. “He can’t wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Angel eyes Posted August 8, 2022 Share Posted August 8, 2022 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Watt-Zeefuik Posted August 8, 2022 Share Posted August 8, 2022 I didn't do much today. Mostly just spent it lying around in the buff. Got kicked out of a few places though. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Watt-Zeefuik Posted August 14, 2022 Share Posted August 14, 2022 I was proud enough of this one today to repost it here: https://www.hmfckickback.co.uk/index.php?/topic/189913-english-premier-league/page/151/#comment-9244834 Quote The wife just came in and said, "good gracious, how many do United look like they'll ship today, and who is their hopeless manager." I said, "Ten Hag" and before I could answer the question about the goals she slapped me and stormed out of the room. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rudi must stay Posted August 14, 2022 Share Posted August 14, 2022 I was on the phone to Hot Chocolate the other day. "Can Hearts still win the league even after the draw at Easter Road" "Yes I believe in miracles" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
samgolden Posted August 15, 2022 Share Posted August 15, 2022 On 28/07/2022 at 18:09, rudi must stay said: I had a fight with Mick Hucknell there. Something got him started During covid Mick refused to get a haircut he was “Holding back the Shears” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted August 16, 2022 Share Posted August 16, 2022 I was really worried that my premature ejaculation would wreck my new career as a porn star. "Christ I'm nervous," I said to the director on the first day of filming. "Don't worry lad, you'll be fine," he said. "Just stick to the script." "I already have!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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