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Unashamedly crap jokes (some are pure gold!)


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1874robbo
On 31/12/2021 at 18:18, superjack said:

I ordered a sex-toy off the internet, a custom made scale replica of my wife's vagina. On the day it was due to be delivered I sat anxiously at my window, waiting for my postman. After what felt like forever, he came struggling down my path with a big tatty box in his hands, all dented and the flaps torn, blowing around in the breeze. I thought they would've at least ****ing wrapped it!

😂😂😂😂😂

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superjack

Weight Loss Program:

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5lbs as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10lbs program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10lbs as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25 lbs program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine."

He lost 33 lbs that week..

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samgolden
On 28/12/2021 at 10:21, rudi must stay said:

What did the policeman say to his stomach?

 

Your under a vest 

German Policeman was it 

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Jambo_jim2001

Three jobbies in a lavy pan,what one is a musketeer?? The dark tan wan!! Sorry if I have offended any french citizens or jobbies on here...

What do you call a Jobbie with one eye??

A keek!

,🙄🙄

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A Boy Named Crow
10 hours ago, Jambo_jim2001 said:

Three jobbies in a lavy pan,what one is a musketeer?? The dark tan wan!! Sorry if I have offended any french citizens or jobbies on here...

What do you call a Jobbie with one eye??

A keek!

,🙄🙄

Dark tan yin, it works better

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Jambo_jim2001
21 minutes ago, A Boy Named Crow said:

Dark tan yin, it works better

It does,🤔😂

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superjack

Prince Charles decided to take up walking every day. However, his route takes him past a particular corner on which a prostitute is always standing, offering her services. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow. " 150 pounds!" she’d shouted. "No, £5!" he said, from the side of his mouth, just to shut her up. This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence." £150!” He'd yell back, "no, £5!" One day, Camilla decided to accompany her husband. As the couple neared the hooker's corner, Prince Charles realised she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. As they neared the hooker’s corner he became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there she stood. He tried to avoid eye contact as she watched the pair pass. Then, the hooker yelled; "See what you get for a fiver mate."

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a man is suffering terrible headaches. one day he finally has enough and goes to his doctor. his doctor examines him and finds no cause for the headaches so he refers him to a neurologist.

 

he goes to the neurologist and just like his doctor he cant find any cause for the headaches. as he is about to leave the neurologists office the neurologist mentions he had a patient a few years ago with similar symptoms and in the end the only thing that solved it was removing the testicles.

 

the man goes home and discusses it with his wife and after a couple of days his wife convinces him due to the severity of the headaches to have the procedure done. the man wakes from the procedure and his headache is gone, he feels so much better. 

 

the man on his way home feels so good he feels like a new suit for the new man he is would be just the thing so he stops by the tailors. the taylor starts to measure the man, 31 inch inside leg, 34 inch waist. the man buts in and says no i'm a 30 inch waist, the taylor says 31 is the measurement, the man repeats it he is a 30 inside leg. the taylor says ok we can make them that size but they will compress your testicles and probably cause headaches

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What's the difference between Boris Johnson and Fred West?

At least fred was honest about the amount of people in his garden.

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