Unashamedly crap jokes (some are pure gold!)

[rudi must stay]

What did the policeman say to his stomach?

 

Your under a vest 

[rudi must stay]

What Dutch team are the most boring to watch?

 

Gronigen 

Edited December 29, 2021 by rudi must stay

[rudi must stay]

What do you call two psychiatrists together conversing?

 

A door 

[redjambo]

21 minutes ago, rudi must stay said:

What do you call two psychiatrists together conversing?

 

A door 

 

Someone's going to have to explain this one to me.

[rudi must stay]

59 minutes ago, redjambo said:

 

Someone's going to have to explain this one to me.

 

Because they have no personality 

[redjambo]

5 minutes ago, rudi must stay said:

 

Because they have no personality 

 

Thanks for explaining, rudi. I still don't quite get it, and am sorry that I had to get you to explain it (the worst thing for any joke teller), but it probably illustrates a gap in my sense of humour rather than anything else. Perhaps I'm a budding psychiatrist?

 

Keep up the great work.

[Maple Leaf]

2 hours ago, rudi must stay said:

What do you call two psychiatrists together conversing?

 

A door 

 

[Morgan]

8 hours ago, rudi must stay said:

What do you call two psychiatrists together conversing?

 

A door 

I’m not a slow person, by any stretch of the imagination, but I’m lost here.  

[Morgan]

On 21/12/2021 at 18:26, rudi must stay said:

What are the fastest oatcakes?

 

Nairn's

This one fair tickled me too.

 

But, I’m not sure why.  🤷🏿‍♂️

[rudi must stay]

11 hours ago, Morgan said:

This one fair tickled me too.

 

But, I’m not sure why.  🤷🏿‍♂️

 

Did you enjoy?

[Morgan]

6 hours ago, rudi must stay said:

 

Did you enjoy?

I don't know, I don't get the joke.

[rudi must stay]

4 minutes ago, Morgan said:

I don't know, I don't get the joke.

 

Say Nairn's quick. Sounds like a F1 car 

[Morgan]

9 minutes ago, rudi must stay said:

 

Say Nairn's quick. Sounds like a F1 car 

Ah, got it now.

 

 

[Watt-Zeefuik]

The inlaws got me a t-shirt for Christmas that says “bad puns are how eye roll.”

 

Been in the family long enough that I’m known well, I reckon.

[superjack]

I ordered a sex-toy off the internet, a custom made scale replica of my wife's vagina. On the day it was due to be delivered I sat anxiously at my window, waiting for my postman. After what felt like forever, he came struggling down my path with a big tatty box in his hands, all dented and the flaps torn, blowing around in the breeze. I thought they would've at least ****ing wrapped it!

[superjack]

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends £15,000 and looks sensational. 

 

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

 

‘About 32,’ is the reply.’

 

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily. 

 

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

 

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

 

Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.

 

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.

 

The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’

 

Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’ 

 

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

 

He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’

 

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’

 

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

 

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay.....How old am I?’

 

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’

 

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’

 

‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.

[redjambo]

16 minutes ago, superjack said:

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends £15,000 and looks sensational. 

 

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

 

‘About 32,’ is the reply.’

 

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily. 

 

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

 

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

 

Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.

 

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.

 

The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’

 

Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’ 

 

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

 

He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’

 

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’

 

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

 

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay.....How old am I?’

 

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’

 

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’

 

‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.

 

[Watt-Zeefuik]

I think the fellow down at the community center might be dyslexic. I asked for how to get to the Chinese martial arts class, and he ended up giving me a lot of bad advice on brewing hot drinks from India.

 

FFS I wanted tai chi practice, not chai tea crap tips.

[Carl Fredrickson]

I once took a stuffed dog to the Antiques Roadshow.

The chap said, "This is very rare, do you know what it would fetch if it was in good condition?"

I replied "Dunno, sticks i suppose?"

[Maple Leaf]

On 19/11/2021 at 04:30, superjack said:

Paddy takes two stuffed dogs on to the Antique Roadshow.

 

"Ohh," said the presenter, "This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers Taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of the 19th century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"

 

"Sticks!" Paddy replied.

 

6 hours ago, Carl Fredrickson said:

I once took a stuffed dog to the Antiques Roadshow.

The chap said, "This is very rare, do you know what it would fetch if it was in good condition?"

I replied "Dunno, sticks i suppose?"

 

[A Boy Named Crow]

6 minutes ago, Maple Leaf said:

 

 

I preferred Carl's telling of it, works fine without the implied slur...

[ri Alban]

On 30/12/2021 at 16:09, rudi must stay said:

 

Say Nairn's quick. Sounds like a F1 car 

You better take it the garage, it sounds fecked.

[ri Alban]

1 hour ago, A Boy Named Crow said:

I preferred Carl's telling of it, works fine without the implied slur...

[ri Alban]

Paddy and Mick go for appointment about industrial loss of hearing compensation.

 

They're sitting in the waiting room and the Secretary asks Mick to go into see the Examiner.  As Mick walks into the room the Examiner asks "Can you shut the door, please" so as Mick shuts the door the Examiner shouts "YOU'RE NOT DEAF, GET OUT".

 

So Mick turns round and leaves going back to the waiting room. 

Paddy asks him "What happened?"

Mick says "Whatever you do, don't shut the door" 

 

Then the Secretary informs Paddy the Examiner is ready to see him. As Paddy walks in, the Examiner asks "Can you shut the door, please" 

And Paddy replies "Feck off, do it yourself"

[Carl Fredrickson]

2 hours ago, Maple Leaf said:

 

 

 

Oops. I missed a post from about 6 weeks ago. Must try harder.....

[Carl Fredrickson]

2 hours ago, A Boy Named Crow said:

I preferred Carl's telling of it, works fine without the implied slur...

 

[Ron Burgundy]

10 hours ago, A Boy Named Crow said:

I preferred Carl's telling of it, works fine without the implied slur...

Did you just assume Paddy's nationality?

 

How very dare you.

[Watt-Zeefuik]

21 minutes ago, Ron Burgundy said:

Did you just assume Paddy's nationality?

 

How very dare you.

The “Paddy” patter is pretty cringe tbf. Easy enough to tell the joke without it.

 

”Leigh” or “Yogi” work fine.

[Ulysses]

1 hour ago, Ron Burgundy said:

Did you just assume Paddy's nationality?

 

How very dare you.

 

55 minutes ago, Led Tasso said:

The “Paddy” patter is pretty cringe tbf. Easy enough to tell the joke without it.

 

”Leigh” or “Yogi” work fine.

 

I like the ambiguity of the joke.  We might be laughing at Paddy (wherever he's from), or we might be laughing with him. 

[rudi must stay]

10 hours ago, ri Alban said:

You better take it the garage, it sounds fecked.

 

F1 car

[Robbo-Jambo]

On 31/12/2021 at 18:18, superjack said:

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends £15,000 and looks sensational. 

 

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

 

‘About 32,’ is the reply.’

 

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily. 

 

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

 

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

 

Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.

 

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.

 

The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’

 

Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’ 

 

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

 

He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’

 

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’

 

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

 

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay.....How old am I?’

 

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’

 

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’

 

‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.

😅

[milky_26]

bob was a farmer who had a nagging wife. bobs wife would nag him constantly about anything and everything. the only respite bob got was when he was out ploughing his fields. one day while bob is ploughing his fields his wife brings him some lunch, bob eats his lunch quietly but his wife goes on a tirade nagging him, then suddenly bobs donkey kicks out hitting bobs wife, killing her instantly.

 

a week later is bobs wives funeral, at the funeral bob does not say anything but anytime a female speaks to him he nods his head and anytime a male speaks to him he shakes his head. the priest notices this and asks bob why. bob replys all the women said how beautiful his wifes dress was so he nodded yes. all the men asked is the donkey for sale

[1874robbo]

On 31/12/2021 at 18:18, superjack said:

I ordered a sex-toy off the internet, a custom made scale replica of my wife's vagina. On the day it was due to be delivered I sat anxiously at my window, waiting for my postman. After what felt like forever, he came struggling down my path with a big tatty box in his hands, all dented and the flaps torn, blowing around in the breeze. I thought they would've at least ****ing wrapped it!

😂😂😂😂😂

[superjack]

Weight Loss Program:

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5lbs as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10lbs program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10lbs as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25 lbs program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine."

He lost 33 lbs that week..

[samgolden]

On 28/12/2021 at 10:21, rudi must stay said:

What did the policeman say to his stomach?

 

Your under a vest 

German Policeman was it 

[Jambo_jim2001]

Three jobbies in a lavy pan,what one is a musketeer?? The dark tan wan!! Sorry if I have offended any french citizens or jobbies on here...

What do you call a Jobbie with one eye??

A keek!

,🙄🙄

[A Boy Named Crow]

10 hours ago, Jambo_jim2001 said:

Three jobbies in a lavy pan,what one is a musketeer?? The dark tan wan!! Sorry if I have offended any french citizens or jobbies on here...

What do you call a Jobbie with one eye??

A keek!

,🙄🙄

Dark tan yin, it works better

[Jambo_jim2001]

21 minutes ago, A Boy Named Crow said:

Dark tan yin, it works better

It does,🤔😂

[superjack]

Prince Charles decided to take up walking every day. However, his route takes him past a particular corner on which a prostitute is always standing, offering her services. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow. " 150 pounds!" she’d shouted. "No, £5!" he said, from the side of his mouth, just to shut her up. This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence." £150!” He'd yell back, "no, £5!" One day, Camilla decided to accompany her husband. As the couple neared the hooker's corner, Prince Charles realised she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. As they neared the hooker’s corner he became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there she stood. He tried to avoid eye contact as she watched the pair pass. Then, the hooker yelled; "See what you get for a fiver mate."

[Section Q]

[milky_26]

a man is suffering terrible headaches. one day he finally has enough and goes to his doctor. his doctor examines him and finds no cause for the headaches so he refers him to a neurologist.

 

he goes to the neurologist and just like his doctor he cant find any cause for the headaches. as he is about to leave the neurologists office the neurologist mentions he had a patient a few years ago with similar symptoms and in the end the only thing that solved it was removing the testicles.

 

the man goes home and discusses it with his wife and after a couple of days his wife convinces him due to the severity of the headaches to have the procedure done. the man wakes from the procedure and his headache is gone, he feels so much better. 

 

the man on his way home feels so good he feels like a new suit for the new man he is would be just the thing so he stops by the tailors. the taylor starts to measure the man, 31 inch inside leg, 34 inch waist. the man buts in and says no i'm a 30 inch waist, the taylor says 31 is the measurement, the man repeats it he is a 30 inside leg. the taylor says ok we can make them that size but they will compress your testicles and probably cause headaches

[superjack]

What's the difference between Boris Johnson and Fred West?

At least fred was honest about the amount of people in his garden.

[JudyJudyJudy]

[Tazio]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To talk to the idiot. 
Knock knock

Who’s there? 
The chicken. 

[narre]

If anybody wants a list of every famous Bugs Bunny quotes,

 

I can send it to you as a WhatsApp doc!

[narre]

The bloke who invented anagrams passed away today... May he erect a penis!

[narre]

A woman with 3 vaginas went to the doctor about her embarrassing problem.

The doctor sewed up 2 of the holes, leaving just the middle one open.

"Am I cured?" she asked.

"Not as such, he replied.

"But it will stop you getting flucked, left, right and centre!"

[narre]

My hibby mate was telling me about the Annual Incest competition...

 

He entered his sister!

[narre]

BREAKING:

The English Cricket Board announce they have appointed tennis world number one Novak Djokovic as a temporary batting coach.

"We acknowledge he doesn't have a background in our sport,

but we couldn't overlook the fact it took two weeks for Australia to get him out!"

[narre]

I need someone to help me sort out the terrible condensation problem in my kitchen...

 

Pop round anytime. The kettle's always on!