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Unashamedly crap jokes (some are pure gold!)


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4 hours ago, Sawdust Caesar said:

What the butler saw by Mustafa Nutherlook

A night in a haunted house by Hugo Phirst

Under the Terraces by Seymour Cheeks

The Longest Tool by Juan Hung-Lo

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Jimmy, an 80-year-old gentleman, retired to Florida after his wife of 58 years had passed away. He was quite alone in the world and longed for companionship. One day, as he was walking through a public park, he spied what he considered to be a very pretty silver-haired lady sitting alone on a park bench. Getting his nerve up, he approached the lady and asked graciously, "Pardon me, ma'am, but may I sit here with you."
The silver-haired Marcia looked up to see a distinguished looking white-haired gentleman and replied, "Why certainly," and scooted over gently to give him room to sit down.
For the next two hours, the two sat and talked about everything. They discovered that they came from the same part of the country, liked the same big band music, voted for the same presidential candidates, had long happy marriages and lost their spouses in the last year, and in general agreed about almost everything.
Finally, the old gentleman cleared his throat and asked sheepishly, "Ma' am, may I ask you two questions?"
With great anticipation, Marcia replied, "Why certainly!"
The old gentleman removed a handkerchief from his coat pocket and spread it out on the ground before her. He very gingerly got down on one knee and looked her softly in the eyes.
"Marcia, I know we've only known each other for a couple of hours, but we have so much in common. I feel I have known you all my life. Will you marry me and be my wife?"
Marcia grabbed at Jimmy's hands and said, "Why, yes, I will marry you! You have made me so very happy!"
She reached over and kissed him gently on the cheek. Then Marcia said, "You said you had two questions to ask me. What is the second question?"
Jimmy scratched his neck and said, "Will you help me get up?

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Paddy takes his son to the zoo. 

When they get to the elephants the zoo keeper said, "this elephant can tell how old you are with one look."

Paddy's son shouts, "how old am I?" 

The elephant stamps his foot 6 times. 

"Wow," says Paddy, "that's right my boy is 6." 

Paddy then shouts to the elephant, "How old am I?" 

The elephant farts and stamps his foot twice. 

"Beejayzus," says Paddy, "He's right, I'm Farty two"

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7 hours ago, Jambo_jim2001 said:

See they have discovered oil in the Irish sea..cannie use it though..coz it's too thick..🤕

 

While we're waiting for you to post a punchline for that one, here's one you might like.

 

A bloke was saying to Jambo_jim2001  how nature sometimes compensates for a person's deficiences.

 

"For example", he told him, "if someone is deaf, they may have keener sight, and if a person is blind, they may have a very keen sense of smell".

 

"I think I see what you mean", said Jambo_jim2001, "I've often noticed that if a fella has one short leg, then the other one is always a bit longer".

Edited by Ulysses
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2 hours ago, Ulysses said:

 

While we're waiting for you to post a punchline for that one, here's one you might like.

 

A bloke was saying to Jambo_jim2001  how nature sometimes compensates for a person's deficiences.

 

"For example", he told him, "if someone is deaf, they may have keener sight, and if a person is blind, they may have a very keen sense of smell".

 

"I think I see what you mean", said Jambo_jim2001, "I've often noticed that if a fella has one short leg, then the other one is always a bit longer".

:rofl:

 

We need a "touche" emoji.

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6 hours ago, Ulysses said:

 

While we're waiting for you to post a punchline for that one, here's one you might like.

 

A bloke was saying to Jambo_jim2001  how nature sometimes compensates for a person's deficiences.

 

"For example", he told him, "if someone is deaf, they may have keener sight, and if a person is blind, they may have a very keen sense of smell".

 

"I think I see what you mean", said Jambo_jim2001, "I've often noticed that if a fella has one short leg, then the other one is always a bit longer".

 

3 hours ago, Maple Leaf said:

:rofl:

 

We need a "touche" emoji.

 

Touché_Turtle.png

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8 hours ago, Maple Leaf said:

:rofl:

 

We need a "touche" emoji.

 

Old joke about the fella in a pub in Kerry.  He decides he'll amuse himself and asks the barman "would you have change of an eighteen pound note?"  Barman replies "No bother at all, sir.  Would you prefer two nines or three sixes?"

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Jambo_jim2001
12 hours ago, Ulysses said:

 

While we're waiting for you to post a punchline for that one, here's one you might like.

 

A bloke was saying to Jambo_jim2001  how nature sometimes compensates for a person's deficiences.

 

"For example", he told him, "if someone is deaf, they may have keener sight, and if a person is blind, they may have a very keen sense of smell".

 

"I think I see what you mean", said Jambo_jim2001, "I've often noticed that if a fella has one short leg, then the other one is always a bit longer".

I bow to your superior wit and shorter leg 🤪😁

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13 hours ago, Ulysses said:

 

While we're waiting for you to post a punchline for that one, here's one you might like.

 

A bloke was saying to Jambo_jim2001  how nature sometimes compensates for a person's deficiences.

 

"For example", he told him, "if someone is deaf, they may have keener sight, and if a person is blind, they may have a very keen sense of smell".

 

"I think I see what you mean", said Jambo_jim2001, "I've often noticed that if a fella has one short leg, then the other one is always a bit longer".

 

:D

 

Hoisted with his own

 

:facepalm:

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5 hours ago, redjambo said:

 

:D

 

Hoisted with his own

 

:facepalm:

 

English tourist walks into a Dublin boozer and orders a pint, and adds "and could I have some of your famous Dublin wit?"  Barman replies, "Certainly sir.  Would you prefer dry or sparkling?"

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21 minutes ago, rudi must stay said:

What do you call two psychiatrists together conversing?

 

A door 

 

:) Someone's going to have to explain this one to me.

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5 minutes ago, rudi must stay said:

 

Because they have no personality 

 

Thanks for explaining, rudi. I still don't quite get it, and am sorry that I had to get you to explain it (the worst thing for any joke teller), but it probably illustrates a gap in my sense of humour rather than anything else. Perhaps I'm a budding psychiatrist?

 

Keep up the great work. :thumb:

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8 hours ago, rudi must stay said:

What do you call two psychiatrists together conversing?

 

A door 

I’m not a slow person, by any stretch of the imagination, but I’m lost here.  

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On 21/12/2021 at 18:26, rudi must stay said:

What are the fastest oatcakes?

 

Nairn's

This one fair tickled me too.

 

But, I’m not sure why.  🤷🏿‍♂️

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The inlaws got me a t-shirt for Christmas that says “bad puns are how eye roll.”

 

Been in the family long enough that I’m known well, I reckon.

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I ordered a sex-toy off the internet, a custom made scale replica of my wife's vagina. On the day it was due to be delivered I sat anxiously at my window, waiting for my postman. After what felt like forever, he came struggling down my path with a big tatty box in his hands, all dented and the flaps torn, blowing around in the breeze. I thought they would've at least ****ing wrapped it!

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A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends £15,000 and looks sensational. 

 

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

 

‘About 32,’ is the reply.’

 

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily. 

 

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

 

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

 

Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.

 

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.

 

The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’

 

Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’ 

 

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

 

He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’

 

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’

 

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

 

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay.....How old am I?’

 

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’

 

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’

 

‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.

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16 minutes ago, superjack said:

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends £15,000 and looks sensational. 

 

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

 

‘About 32,’ is the reply.’

 

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily. 

 

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

 

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

 

Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.

 

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.

 

The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’

 

Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’ 

 

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

 

He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’

 

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’

 

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

 

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay.....How old am I?’

 

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’

 

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’

 

‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.

 

:D

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Led Tasso

I think the fellow down at the community center might be dyslexic. I asked for how to get to the Chinese martial arts class, and he ended up giving me a lot of bad advice on brewing hot drinks from India.

 

FFS I wanted tai chi practice, not chai tea crap tips.

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Carl Fredrickson
I once took a stuffed dog to the Antiques Roadshow.
The chap said, "This is very rare, do you know what it would fetch if it was in good condition?"
I replied "Dunno, sticks i suppose?"
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Maple Leaf
On 19/11/2021 at 04:30, superjack said:

Paddy takes two stuffed dogs on to the Antique Roadshow.

 

"Ohh," said the presenter, "This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers Taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of the 19th century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"

 

"Sticks!" Paddy replied.

 

6 hours ago, Carl Fredrickson said:
I once took a stuffed dog to the Antiques Roadshow.
The chap said, "This is very rare, do you know what it would fetch if it was in good condition?"
I replied "Dunno, sticks i suppose?"

 

:wink:

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A Boy Named Crow
6 minutes ago, Maple Leaf said:

 

 

:wink:

I preferred Carl's telling of it, works fine without the implied slur...

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ri Alban
On 30/12/2021 at 16:09, rudi must stay said:

 

Say Nairn's quick. Sounds like a F1 car 

You better take it the garage, it sounds fecked.

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ri Alban
1 hour ago, A Boy Named Crow said:

I preferred Carl's telling of it, works fine without the implied slur...

:jj_facepalm:

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ri Alban

Paddy and Mick go for appointment about industrial loss of hearing compensation.

 

They're sitting in the waiting room and the Secretary asks Mick to go into see the Examiner.  As Mick walks into the room the Examiner asks "Can you shut the door, please" so as Mick shuts the door the Examiner shouts "YOU'RE NOT DEAF, GET OUT".

 

So Mick turns round and leaves going back to the waiting room. 

Paddy asks him "What happened?"

Mick says "Whatever you do, don't shut the door" 

 

Then the Secretary informs Paddy the Examiner is ready to see him. As Paddy walks in, the Examiner asks "Can you shut the door, please" 

And Paddy replies "Feck off, do it yourself"

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Carl Fredrickson
2 hours ago, Maple Leaf said:

 

 

:wink:

 

Oops. I missed a post from about 6 weeks ago. :peepwall: Must try harder.....

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Carl Fredrickson
2 hours ago, A Boy Named Crow said:

I preferred Carl's telling of it, works fine without the implied slur...

 

:thumbs_up:

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Ron Burgundy
10 hours ago, A Boy Named Crow said:

I preferred Carl's telling of it, works fine without the implied slur...

Did you just assume Paddy's nationality?

 

How very dare you.

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Led Tasso
21 minutes ago, Ron Burgundy said:

Did you just assume Paddy's nationality?

 

How very dare you.


The “Paddy” patter is pretty cringe tbf. Easy enough to tell the joke without it.

 

”Leigh” or “Yogi” work fine.

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1 hour ago, Ron Burgundy said:

Did you just assume Paddy's nationality?

 

How very dare you.

 

55 minutes ago, Led Tasso said:


The “Paddy” patter is pretty cringe tbf. Easy enough to tell the joke without it.

 

”Leigh” or “Yogi” work fine.

 

I like the ambiguity of the joke.  We might be laughing at Paddy (wherever he's from), or we might be laughing with him.  ;)

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rudi must stay
10 hours ago, ri Alban said:

You better take it the garage, it sounds fecked.

 

F1 car

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Robbo-Jambo
On 31/12/2021 at 18:18, superjack said:

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends £15,000 and looks sensational. 

 

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

 

‘About 32,’ is the reply.’

 

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily. 

 

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

 

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

 

Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.

 

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.

 

The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’

 

Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’ 

 

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

 

He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’

 

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’

 

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

 

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay.....How old am I?’

 

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’

 

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’

 

‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.

😅

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milky_26

bob was a farmer who had a nagging wife. bobs wife would nag him constantly about anything and everything. the only respite bob got was when he was out ploughing his fields. one day while bob is ploughing his fields his wife brings him some lunch, bob eats his lunch quietly but his wife goes on a tirade nagging him, then suddenly bobs donkey kicks out hitting bobs wife, killing her instantly.

 

a week later is bobs wives funeral, at the funeral bob does not say anything but anytime a female speaks to him he nods his head and anytime a male speaks to him he shakes his head. the priest notices this and asks bob why. bob replys all the women said how beautiful his wifes dress was so he nodded yes. all the men asked is the donkey for sale

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