Unashamedly crap jokes (some are pure gold!)

[King Of The Cat Cafe]

Two nuns in the shower and one says "where's the soap?"

And the other one says "It surely does."

[willie wallace]

Two nuns in the shower and one says "where's the soap?"

And the other one says "It surely does."

Good oldie.I was thinking about posting that myself.

[trotter]

Took the shell off my racing snail to try and make him faster. If anything he's now more sluggish

[The Future's Maroon]

What's pink and when it goes in is hard and dry, but when it comes out is soft and wet?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bubblegum.

[The Future's Maroon]

What do you call a dog with no legs?

 

It doesn't matter, it won't come to you anyway!

 

 

 

 

Little Johnny goes to his big sister "Julie, now I know why girls don't have a dick"' Julie asks "how have you came to that conclusion"

 

Little Johnny replies "because they fall off when you become a teenager" Julie is puzzled and probes further "but I still don't know how you came to that" only for little Johnny to state "well yesterday when I was in your room I found your dick under your bed"

[Swanny17]

Spaghetti Hoops make perfect Alphabet Spaghetti for Chimpanzees......

[iantjambo]

I just found a note from my wife stuck to the fridge door.

 

It said "This isn't working anymore, Goodbye"

 

I don't get it.

 

I checked the fridge and it was working fine.

Edited August 4, 2017 by iantjambo

[Swanny17]

I can?t work out why my new air freshener doesn?t work. I plug it in, turn it on, but nothing happens. It just doesn?t make any scents!

[superjack]

A guy is in the bar when the woman across from him sneezes and her glass eye pops out. He catches it, gives it a wipe and hands it back to her. The woman thanks him and buys him a drink.

She then offers to five the guy a lift home. When they reach his house she asks if he wants his nat king Cole.

Afterwards the guys asks her if she is always this forward and she replies "Not normally, you just happened to catch my eye."

[I P Knightley]

Why do women have legs?

 

 

Because have you seen the mess a snail leaves behind?

[John Gentleman]

Two auld dears were hurtling doon the Royal Mile on a tandem. Jeannie turns round to Maggie and says, " Ye ken Maggie, I've never come this way before." And Maggie says, "Aye, same wi' me Jeannie ? it must be they cobblestones."

[Rick Grimes]

How do you know how heavy a chilli pepper is?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.

[superjack]

A scientist is speaking with his peer. The peer asks "what are you working on?"

It's amazing, I've taught my dog how to communicate yaong Morse code, come and see."

The 2 of them walk down the hall and there is a dog sitting at a desk. The scientist quietly says a command in the dogs ear, and all of a sudden, the dog starts typing out a message in Morse code.

When the short message is complete the peer asks the scientist "what did he say?"

The scientist pull the ticker tape from the machine and says "woof."

[superjack]

A mother starts to think her 12 year old son looks different from the rest of the family so she gets a DNA test done, only to find out that he is not actually there child.

She tells the husband and he says "don't you remember when we were leaving the hospital the day after giving birth you noticed that the baby had filled his nappy with shite, you said to me please go change the baby, I'll wait here?"

[sairyinthat]

Irishman buys a donkey for 100euro to be delivered the following week.

Week later the farmer turn up and say's sorry but the donkey died.

Oh well return my money and forget it said Pat.

Don't have it says the farmer I already spent it.

Well give me the dead donkey Pat say's.

What are you going to do with a dead donkey.

I'm going to raffle it Pat said.

Week later the farmer asked what happened with his raffle.

Went well sold 500 tickets at two euro each Pat said.

And got no complaint's the farmer asked.

just the one and I refunded his ticket money made 998 euro profit pat said.

[¼½¾]

At a wedding in Leith, when I turned to the guy beside me and whispered,

"Do you not think the bride's a right ugly old cow?"

 

"Do you mind, that's my daughter you're talking about!"

 

"Sorry, I didn't realise you were her father..."

 

"I'm not, I'm her f'in mother..."

[Ulysses]

[Robbo-Jambo]

Guy walks into the doctor and asks is diaohrrea hereditary ?

 

The doctors says no, why do you think that ?

 

The guy moves about the chair uncomfortably and says because its in my jeans.

[samgolden]

I?ve given up social media for the Rest of the Year and am trying to make friends outside Facebook while ?applying the same principles. Every day, I walk down the street and tell passersby what I?ve eaten, how I feel, what I did the night before, and what I will do tomorrow. Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and me gardening. I also listen to their conversations and tell them I love them. And it works. I already have three people following me?two ?police officers and a psychiatrist.

[King Of The Cat Cafe]

A guy walks into a chemist's shop one Friday evening and picks up his regular order of a gross of condoms.

 

The next Monday he is back and says: "There must have been a mistake, there were only 143 condoms in that box."

 

"I'm terribly sorry," says the chemist, "I hope it did not ruin your weekend."

[Bauld]

I wonder how Bruce Forsyth and Yoda would have greeted each other?

[Bauld]

I left a trail of rose petals from the front door, up the stairs, and to the bedroom. I sprinkled some more over the bed. I sat in the corner wearing nothing but her beautiful silk robe with a bottle of vintage wine on ice on the end table. I heard the door open and her walking up the stairs, I wanted this to be the most romantic evening ever. I was quite nervous... Now all I needed was the perfect way to introduce myself.

[Dawnrazor]

I wonder how Bruce Forsyth and Yoda would have greeted each other?

[superjack]

A scotch pie costs 1.50 in Trinidad and Tobago, it costs 1.70 in the domican republic and 2.15 in Jamaica.

That's the pie rates of the Caribbean.

[Bauld]

At a wedding in Glasgow I whispered to a guy next to me, "Isn't the bride a right ugly dog"

"Do you mind. That's my daughter you're talking about"

"I'm sorry, I didn't know you were her father''...

"I'm not...I'm her ****ing mother.

Edited August 20, 2017 by Bauld

[deesidejambo]

A scotch pie costs 1.50 in Trinidad and Tobago, it costs 1.70 in the domican republic and 2.15 in Jamaica.

That's the pie rates of the Caribbean.

 

The winner.

[King Of The Cat Cafe]

People who live in Dubai don't like the Flintstones, but those in Abu Dhabi do.

[deesidejambo]

It seems one of the Pandas at the zoo escaped and tried to eat a penguin.

 

 

 

But it couldn't get the wrapper off.

[Swanny17]

Got myself a new bird of prey last night, but the little shit only exercises at night to 80's music.

 

Our Kestrel manoeuvres in the dark.

[superjack]

Read that someone was stabbed to death in a nightclub owned by a former French international footballer.

Apparently there was murder on Zidanes floor.

[sairyinthat]

Scot moves to London and goes job hunting,get's an interview with Harrods.Store manager ask's for his sales experience,Six years prior to coming to London I was at the famous Ingliston market.He impressed the manager and started as a salesman the following Monday,found it trying but coped okay.End of the day the Manager asked well young man how many sales did you make today,One he replied what gasped the Manager this is Harrod's we expect our sales staff to make multiple sales daily,Oh well what was the total of your sale.One Hundred and One Thousand Two Hundred and Sixty Seven Pounds Forty Three pence.Crikey the Manager choked what the hell did you sell him?Well first I selt him a wee fish hook then a medium one then a fishing rod he would need.I asked him where he was fishing aboot and he said doon the coast,You'll be needing a boat then so I took him to the boat dept and selt him that twin engine Cat.Then he telt me his Suzuki wouldn't be able to pull it so I took him to our car dept and selt him a 4x4 Toyota,the gobsmacked Manager said you sold him all that stuff because he wanted a small fish hook?Oh naw he came in for a box of tampons for the wife and I said his weekends up in the air so he'd be as well going fishing.

[sairyinthat]

Guy dies and goes down to Hell,The Qverseer meets him at the gates.Right you let's get you sorted with a job you have a choice of Two,takes the guy into the furnaces where they are labouring and sweating stoking and the chargehand has a big whip and is lashing them get grafting he's screaming.That's job One say's the gatekeeper Two is through this door and opens it,there is a massive pool stretching as far as you can see with people standing up to their neck in shit drinking coffee.Choose said the gatekeeper jings it's a bit smelly but they aren't getting whipped so he says job Two.Right then get stripped pick up your cup of coffee and get in,so he gets the coffee and is in the pool when a side door bursts open and the foreman starts screaming and cracking his whip Coffee break is over heads under.

[King Of The Cat Cafe]

Then there was this Northern Ireland guy from a staunchly loyalist area near Ballymena who went to Dublin for an interview for a news reader's job on RTE radio.

 

He came back and his friends asked if he had any luck.

 

Guy says: "N-n-n-no, b-b-astards w-w-would n-nnot g-g-give it to me because I am a P-P-P-Protestant."

[kila]

If you watch 127 hours backwards it's basically a really nice film about a one armed man who finds his other arm in between a rock

[superjack]

If you Google the phrase "lost medieval servant boy" your computer says page can't be found.

[King Of The Cat Cafe]

Young lad standing in McLeod Street early one Monday morning with his eyes screwed tightly shut muttering "Please, please, please, please..."

 

Opens his eyes and sighs. "They say faith can move a mountain but it hasn't budged that damned school one inch."

[Bauld]

My new Indian girlfriend said that I could give her a facial.

 

**** me, I nearly came on the spot.

[butch]

My new Indian girlfriend said that I could give her a facial.

 

**** me, I nearly came on the spot.

 

 

 

Hahaha

Edited August 24, 2017 by butch

[Morgan]

My new Indian girlfriend said that I could give her a facial.

**** me, I nearly came on the spot.

[Mark_Higg]

I've deleted all my German contacts from my phone.

 

I'm now Hans free

 

Sent from my LG-H850 using Tapatalk

[Jeff]

Got the new beachboys mobile phone. The ringtones are mince but it has good vibrations

[Bauld]

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

 

The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

 

The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

 

The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Edited August 24, 2017 by Bauld

[chester copperpot]

I'm sure you've all heard this but it tickled me on the radio the other day.

 

 

Some people like the new pound coin against the old one but I really don't like change

[Boof]

I'm sure you've all heard this but it tickled me on the radio the other day.

 

 

Some people like the new pound coin against the old one but I really don't like change

Didn't that one win joke of the Fringe this year? If so...not too disappointed to have missed it.

[chester copperpot]

Didn't that one win joke of the Fringe this year? If so...not too disappointed to have missed it.

 

Was in the top 15. Not sure if it won

[milky_26]

Was in the top 15. Not sure if it won

yes it won

[chester copperpot]

Was in the top 15. Not sure if it won

It wasnae that funny

 

Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk

[Watt-Zeefuik]

I didn't do much today.  Just mostly lay around in my underwear.

 

Got kicked out of several restaurants though.

 

 

Apologies if I already posted that one.

[Maple Leaf]

A man is walking by an insane asylum and hears all the residents chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"

Quite curious about all this, he finds a hole in the fence, looks in and someone pokes him in the eye.

Everyone in the asylum starts chanting "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!" 

[Lord Beni of Gorgie]

My new Indian girlfriend said that I could give her a facial.

 

**** me, I nearly came on the spot.

literally