chester copperpot Posted July 9, 2017 Share Posted July 9, 2017 Why thank you kind sir Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Gentleman Posted July 9, 2017 Share Posted July 9, 2017 (edited) Which makes it a winner, as this is the "Unashamedly crap jokes" thread. I have to admit, it made me laugh. I thought it was a cracker. Definitely not the crappiest joke on the thread. I think some of mine might be, mind. Edited July 9, 2017 by John Gentleman Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted July 9, 2017 Share Posted July 9, 2017 (edited) One day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes. Little Johnny asked, "Grandpa, can I smoke some of your cigarettes?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your a****hole**?" "No", said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough."The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asked, "Grandpa, can I drink some of your beer?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your a****hole**?" "No" said Little Johnny. "Then you're not old enough." his grandpa replied.The next day, Little Johnny was eating cookies. His grandpa asked, "Can I have some of your cookies?" Little Johnny replied, "Can your penis reach your a***hole***?" His grandpa replied, "It most certainly can!" Little Johnny replied, "Then go fcuk yourself. These are my cookies! Edited July 9, 2017 by narre Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King Of The Cat Cafe Posted July 9, 2017 Share Posted July 9, 2017 A new Methodist minister - Jones the clergy - had just taken up his position in rural Wales and was visiting people in his congregation. One day he drove up a very long lane to get to the home of a local farmer - Jones the sheep. Over a cup of tea, he was talking with the farmer and his wife and remarked: "That's a very long lane you have." And the farmer says "Ah sure if it was any shorter it wouldn't reach the house." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King Of The Cat Cafe Posted July 9, 2017 Share Posted July 9, 2017 I stopped my wife getting beat up this afternoon. I counted to 10. I refer you to the comment on post 1776.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Watt-Zeefuik Posted July 9, 2017 Share Posted July 9, 2017 1786 and 1787 are genuine moments for me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted July 9, 2017 Share Posted July 9, 2017 A health inspector walks into a bakery and orders two doughnuts, then watches the young man behind the counter pick up the doughnuts with a pair of tongs and place them in a bag. ?Well done,? says the inspector. ?I?m from the health department and it?s good to see your commitment to hygiene. But what?s that piece of string I see hanging from your trousers?? ?That?s also related to hygiene,? says the young man. ?It?s attached to the zipper on my fly. I use it to unzip my pants. There?s another string attached to my penis, and that pulls my penis out of my pants. This way, I never have to touch myself with my hands.? ?Well done,? applauds the inspector, ?but how do you get your penis back into your pants again?? ?Easy,? said the young man, ?I just use those tongs.? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted July 9, 2017 Share Posted July 9, 2017 Probably been on this thread so apologies if so....... A dyslexic skier was coming down the ski slopes when he started to get all confused and pulled up to what he thought was a ski instructor........ Anyway, he pulls up at the ski instructor and says 'listen mate, I am really badly dyslexic, can you help me out'... "Sure" says the ski instructor..... 'See when you're coming down the hill, do you zig zag, or do you zag zig' The ski instructor says "**** knows mate, I'm a tobagganist"....... To which the guy says 'in that case can I get 20 Benson and hedges' Coat. Got. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckyBatistuta Posted July 9, 2017 Share Posted July 9, 2017 The other day I walked into the kitchen and could have sworn I heard an onion singing a Beegees song. I opened the fridge and it was just a chive talking. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckyBatistuta Posted July 9, 2017 Share Posted July 9, 2017 How do you know when a hobos sister has climaxed? She drops her chips Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckyBatistuta Posted July 9, 2017 Share Posted July 9, 2017 William Shakespeare walks into a pub, orders a pint. "Get OUT!!!" shouts the landlord. "Why!??" asks Shakespeare. "You're Bard!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unknown user Posted July 11, 2017 Author Share Posted July 11, 2017 The other day I walked into the kitchen and could have sworn I heard an onion singing a Beegees song. I opened the fridge and it was just a chive talking. De ja vu, I've seen that joke today already Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unknown user Posted July 11, 2017 Author Share Posted July 11, 2017 Letterbocks! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted July 12, 2017 Share Posted July 12, 2017 Some say that filling animals with helium is wrong. But I say whatever floats your goat. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King Of The Cat Cafe Posted July 12, 2017 Share Posted July 12, 2017 A topical one for today... You have to picture the scene; it's July 1690 and in a pub in Drogheda, Ireland, King James is drowning his sorrows. In bounces King Billy, all smiles and charm and says: "Bout ye, Jimmy; why the long face?" And King James says: "Look, we had a big battle yesterday and you and your forces beat me and mine." "Ach Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy," says the bold King William. "Don't fret; sure it'll all be forgotten about in a day or two." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
highway Posted July 12, 2017 Share Posted July 12, 2017 Not so much a joke, but - Neil Armstrong was doing the lecturing circuit years ago and at the end during the q&a session, somebody asked if they came up with any good jokes when they were up there on the moon. Neil said, ''yes actually''. He then proceeded to tell the joke only to be met by a wall of silence at the punchline. He simply said. ''ah you had to be there'' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dougal Posted July 13, 2017 Share Posted July 13, 2017 Not sure if this one has been posted or not. Fella phones his missus. "I'm at A&E" "Why? What's happened?" "I've cut my finger off." "The whole finger?" "No, the one next to it" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Punks No Deid Posted July 13, 2017 Share Posted July 13, 2017 Not sure if this one has been posted or not. Fella phones his missus. "I'm at A&E" "Why? What's happened?" "I've cut my finger off." "The whole finger?" "No, the one next to it" Like the big game hunter describing in detail how he capture a tiger and shot it, he caught it in a hole that he'd dug earlier in preparation, an impressed young lad asks him "did you shoot it in the hole" reply "Naw, I shot it in the heid" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sawdust Caesar Posted July 13, 2017 Share Posted July 13, 2017 My dwarf girlfriend has been a bit down recently because people keep remarking on her size. So to cheer her up when she gets home from work, I've got her flowers, chocolates, wine and I'm going to run her a nice hot sink. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alwaysthereinspirit Posted July 13, 2017 Share Posted July 13, 2017 My dwarf girlfriend has been a bit down recently because people keep remarking on her size. So to cheer her up when she gets home from work, I've got her flowers, chocolates, wine and I'm going to run her a nice hot sink. This made me laugh out loud. Nice job. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chester copperpot Posted July 13, 2017 Share Posted July 13, 2017 My dwarf girlfriend has been a bit down recently because people keep remarking on her size. So to cheer her up when she gets home from work, I've got her flowers, chocolates, wine and I'm going to run her a nice hot sink. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted July 13, 2017 Share Posted July 13, 2017 My dwarf girlfriend has been a bit down recently because people keep remarking on her size. So to cheer her up when she gets home from work, I've got her flowers, chocolates, wine and I'm going to run her a nice hot sink. Get lost Brilliant Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rubyruby Posted July 13, 2017 Share Posted July 13, 2017 Why was the washing machine laughing? It was taking the piss out of the knickers! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unknown user Posted July 14, 2017 Author Share Posted July 14, 2017 My dwarf girlfriend has been a bit down recently because people keep remarking on her size. So to cheer her up when she gets home from work, I've got her flowers, chocolates, wine and I'm going to run her a nice hot sink. :laugh: Gentlemen, the bar has been set! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
winniethedog Posted July 14, 2017 Share Posted July 14, 2017 (edited) My mate just asked me what ringtone i have. I said, "I've never really looked, but i imagine its light brown Edited July 14, 2017 by winniethedog Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mollo Posted July 14, 2017 Share Posted July 14, 2017 (edited) Did you hear about the bloke with two left feet that went on holiday? He forgot to pack his flip-flips! EDIT: I'm so sorry if I've posted it before, I can't recall! Edited July 14, 2017 by Mollo Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alex Posted July 14, 2017 Share Posted July 14, 2017 What do you call a French man wearing sandals? Filip flop Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted July 14, 2017 Share Posted July 14, 2017 Beat that superjack. He won't. Because Caesar's one is the best on here. Nice hot sink Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iantjambo Posted July 14, 2017 Share Posted July 14, 2017 (edited) A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball." Man - "That's nice." Boy - "Want to buy it?" Man - "No, thanks." Boy - "My dad's outside." Man - "OK, how much?" Boy - "?150" Man - "Sold." In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy - "Dark in here." Man - "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove." The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,"How much?" Boy - "?350" Man - "Highway robbery. Sold." A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your gloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The boy says, "?500" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth with the Priest to confess his sins and he closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that crap again, you're in my closet now." Edited July 14, 2017 by iantjambo Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted July 14, 2017 Share Posted July 14, 2017 Beat that superjack. Ok, challenge accepted. A penguin falls asleep on an iceberg after a couple of strong joints. When he wakes up 15 hours later he is completely encased in ice and adrift in the ocean. To his much he spots of the horn of a narwhal near by. Thanking his lucky stars he calls out to the narwhal. "Thank goodness you're here Mr narwhal. Could you break the ice?" The narwhal stares at him for a bit and says "ok, what are your hobbies?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted July 14, 2017 Share Posted July 14, 2017 He won't. Because Caesar's one is the best on here. Nice hot sink I must admit that it's defo been the funniest 1 on this thread, apart from mine that is. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Gentleman Posted July 15, 2017 Share Posted July 15, 2017 Bloke: "Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a biscuit." Doctor: "Really?" "What kind of biscuit?" Bloke: "Not sure of the name, but it's one of these square ones wi' holes in it" Doctor: "Ach, you're just crackers." coat...shoogly peg etc... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iantjambo Posted July 15, 2017 Share Posted July 15, 2017 Mr And Mrs Wong are discussing names for their newborn baby son. "How about Wyte?" Asks Mr Wong "Absolutely not" replies Mrs Wong angrily "Why not? I like it" "Because, two Wongs never make a Wyte" I'm sorry Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted July 15, 2017 Share Posted July 15, 2017 A boss tells his team that he is leaving early, "I know you can cope without me for a few hours, I have complete faith and trust in you all". 5 minutes after he's gone Billy says "If it's ok for him to go early, then it's ok for us. He will never know anyway." So they all leave early. Billy goes straight home and heads straight to the bed room so he can get changed. Upon reaching the bedroom door hears moaning and the squeaking of his bed. He opens the bedroom door slightly and sees his boss servicing his wife. He slowly closes the door again and tiptoes out the house. The next day at work the boss says"I'm leaving early again seeing as you all coped brilliantly yesterday, see you all tomorrow." 5 minutes after he is gone, Davy says to Billy "you leaving early again Billy?" Billy says "better not, I almost got caught yesterday." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted July 15, 2017 Share Posted July 15, 2017 I must admit that it's defo been the funniest 1 on this thread, apart from mine that is. But of course Jack! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bauld Posted July 15, 2017 Share Posted July 15, 2017 My wife asked, "What would you do if you lost somebody you loved? What would you do if I died?" I said, "****ing hell! One question at a time..." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted July 15, 2017 Share Posted July 15, 2017 However the dwarf and the sink is still numero uno, Jack. The politically correct would say 'the wee person and the basin'. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted July 15, 2017 Share Posted July 15, 2017 My wife asked, "What would you do if you lost somebody you loved? What would you do if I died?" I said, "******* hell! One question at a time..." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bauld Posted July 15, 2017 Share Posted July 15, 2017 There's a hot, new deaf chick at work. I reckon I'm in with a shout. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bauld Posted July 15, 2017 Share Posted July 15, 2017 Most men say they would prefer a bigger penis, but not me. I've been in prison for 6 years now and the smaller one's tend to hurt less. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted July 15, 2017 Share Posted July 15, 2017 Most men say they would prefer a bigger penis, but not me. I've been in prison for 6 years now and the smaller one's tend to hurt less. Christ Bauld! Yer on a roll the day. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bauld Posted July 15, 2017 Share Posted July 15, 2017 A Scottish woman comes home early and catches her husband in bed having sex with a welly. She shouted "Hamish! Stop ****ing a boot!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Der Kaiser Posted July 15, 2017 Share Posted July 15, 2017 There's a hot, new deaf chick at work. I reckon I'm in with a shout. Say what you want about deaf people..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted July 15, 2017 Share Posted July 15, 2017 However the dwarf and the sink is still numero uno, Jack. Don't tell anyone but I tend to agree, almost. Once I've had a few whyte and mackays tonight then I'll be back to top spot for me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Gentleman Posted July 15, 2017 Share Posted July 15, 2017 Mr And Mrs Wong are discussing names for their newborn baby son. "How about Wyte?" Asks Mr Wong "Absolutely not" replies Mrs Wong angrily "Why not? I like it" "Because, two Wongs never make a Wyte" I'm sorry Google "Arthur Calwell" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dozy dick the dooman Posted July 16, 2017 Share Posted July 16, 2017 Q What's the difference between an Asda trolley and a Proclaimers fan A. The trolley has a mind of its own. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King Of The Cat Cafe Posted July 16, 2017 Share Posted July 16, 2017 I went to the dentist recently and while we were waiting for my mouth to freeze up, we started chatting about The X-Files. Then, after a few minutes rooting around in my mouth, he held up a wisdom tooth. "OK", he said "the tooth is out there." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted July 16, 2017 Share Posted July 16, 2017 A police patrolman sees a car being driven at 10 miles per hour in a 60 MPH zone, so he pulls it over. The driver is an elderly lady. The cop begins to lacture the old woman about obstructing traffic when the lady interrupts him. ?I?m not obstructing traffic officer, I?m driving at the speed limit? and she points to a sign at the side of the road which has a large ?10? on it. The patrolman smiled ?That?s not the speed limit ma?am, that?s the highway number. You?re on Highway 10?. Then the cop looks into the back seat and sees another two elderly women sitting bolt upright, eyes staring, mouths open, and white-faced. ?Are your friends OK?", the cop asks the elderly driver. ?I think so? said the driver. ?We?ve spent the last half-hour on Highway 150!? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dougal Posted July 16, 2017 Share Posted July 16, 2017 What's brown and looks in your windows? A nosey shite Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bauld Posted July 16, 2017 Share Posted July 16, 2017 In the middle of a long and messy divorce, I've decided that suicide is the only way out. Now all I need to do is talk her into it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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