Unashamedly crap jokes (some are pure gold!)

[iantjambo]

How do you know if a blonde is having a bad day?

 

She's got a tampon behind her ear and she can't find her pen.

[King Of The Cat Cafe]

An American tourist in a hire car pulls up to the petrol pumps in a small village somewhere in the North West of Ireland.

 

It is clear that one of his tyres is a lot flatter than the others.

 

He calls out to a guy in greasy overalls: "excuse me, buddy, do you have an air line?"

 

The guy removes his greasy leather cap, scratches his bald head with a greasy hand and says: "Airline?  We don't even have a bus service."

 

 

 

 

 

 

* True story, actually.

[Morgan]

How do you know if a blonde is having a bad day?

She's got a tampon behind her ear and she can't find her pen.

Try picturing it.

 

It's even better.

[Dawnrazor]

Try picturing it.

It's even better.

Very unfair on blondes, I've never found a girl with blonde hair is any more thick than your average redhead or brunette

[milky_26]

•  

Where does a sheep go for a haircut?

 

To the baa baa shop.

surely it should be the baabaars

[Swanny17]

Gordon Bennett. That is absolutely shite.

[Morgan]

My wife is a natural blonde ya cheeky twats.

Aye.

 

Forgot about her.

 

[Ulysses]

* True story, actually.

 

I know the village. 

[superjack]

So I was on a bus when somebody tapped me on the shoulder.

 

I turned around and saw an old lady. She said "would you like some nuts? I've got a couple hazelnuts and almonds if you'd like."

 

"Sure.", I replied. Then she gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with her friends.

 

 

A few minutes later, I felt another tap on my shoulder and there she was again, offering some nuts. I gladly accepted and she went back to her seat.

 

After about 10 minutes, she tapped me on the shoulder, once again offering some nuts.

 

I asked her, "Why don't you eat them yourself?"

"Because we've got no teeth", she replied.

 

"Then why do you buy them?", I asked.

"Oh, because we just love the chocolate around them."

[superjack]

A man asks his aberdonian friend how many sexual partners he has had.

The aberdonian starts counting them and falls asleep.

[Watt-Zeefuik]

A man asks his aberdonian friend how many sexual partners he has had.

The aberdonian starts counting them and falls asleep.

 

Lemongrab's balloon one is excellent too.

[Maple Leaf]

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away.
At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out
when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket They
hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is
actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a
ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again
carryingout the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the
husband cries out:
"Watch that wall!"

[superjack]

Absolutely fuming, just been pulled over by the police and as I got out of the car the officer said, "Turn Around" so I replied "Every now and then I get a little bit terrified when I see the look in your eyes", the officer then shouted "TURN AROUND" so I said "Bright Eyes"...... it was at this point I got tasered

[¼½¾]

Three Hibs fans walk into a bar: A thief, a junkie and a tramp.

 

And that was just the first one.

[narre]

The wife's back on the warpath again. Last night she said she wanted to make a sex movie, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

After both suffering from depression for a while, the wife and I were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, screw it, I'll soldier on!

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her,"Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

My wife packed my bags and said "GET OUT!!!". As I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you *******!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex

[narre]

Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know.

One day, the police raided the brothel and took all the girls outside and made them line up.

Suddenly, Lulu's grandma came by.

Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?"

Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, Lulu told her that the police were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.

"Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself," Grandma said, and she proceeded to the back of the line.

A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all the prostitutes. When he got to grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it old girl?"

Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck em' dry."

The policeman fainted.

[narre]

"Right children" said the teacher, "I want you to use the word 'area' in a sentence."

Little Chloe said. "In maths, length times width equals area."

"Excellent. Next one please Tommy."

"Every day, an area the size of Wales is destroyed in the rainforest" said Tommy.

"Very good. Last one, Johnny, your turn."

Johnny said. "Since my sister turned 13, 'er c**** got much area."

[narre]

Teacher was in class and says to her pupils.

Right children give me a sentence with the word FASCINATE in it

Little Julie puts her hand up and says. Miss Ive got one. Last week we went to the zoo and when I saw the animals I was fascinated.

Teacher says thats nice but the word I want is fascinate.

Little Susan has her up as well and says Ive got one Miss Last night we were watching something on the telly about the weather and it was fascinating.

Teacher says no children. The word I want is fascinate

Little Johnny says Ive got one Miss. My sister has got a new blouse and it has ten buttons on it. But her tits are that big she can only fasten eight.

[Morgan]

Teacher says to pupils. "I want a sentence with the word 'definitely' in it.

Wee Jack says "please miss do farts come oot in lumps ?"

"No" says the teacher.

"In that case I've definitely shit myself"

Edited May 31, 2017 by Morgan

[The Real Maroonblood]

So I was on a bus when somebody tapped me on the shoulder.

I turned around and saw an old lady. She said "would you like some nuts? I've got a couple hazelnuts and almonds if you'd like."

"Sure.", I replied. Then she gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with her friends.

A few minutes later, I felt another tap on my shoulder and there she was again, offering some nuts. I gladly accepted and she went back to her seat.

After about 10 minutes, she tapped me on the shoulder, once again offering some nuts.

I asked her, "Why don't you eat them yourself?"

"Because we've got no teeth", she replied.

"Then why do you buy them?", I asked.

"Oh, because we just love the chocolate around them."

Brilliant.

[willie wallace]

The wife's back on the warpath again. Last night she said she wanted to make a sex movie, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

 

 

 

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.

 

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

 

After both suffering from depression for a while, the wife and I were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, screw it, I'll soldier on!

 

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her,"Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

 

My wife packed my bags and said "GET OUT!!!". As I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you *******!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

 

I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex

Very good?

[King Of The Cat Cafe]

So, there I was driving down the motorway one night at a steady 90mph.

 

Then, phwoar: big Kamasaki motorbike overtook me at 100mph.

 

A moment later, roaaar: Porche 944 at 110mph.

 

And them, pheeeww: Masaratti Quadrapolle at 120mph.

 

A second later, nee naw, nee naw, blues and twos, cop car pulls me over.

 

The cop comes up to the driver's door and says, "I suppose sir, you know just why we pulled you over?"

 

"Yes", I said, "Because you couldn't catch any of those other bass tards."

[sauchiejambo]

Billy the squid was sitting at home one friday whet tam the tuna came by an asked if he was goint to the pub.

Billy explained he wisny feeling that great having had a "bad pint" the previous night. However tam persuaded him to go out and offered billy a ride on his back to save billy swimming all the way.

On the way to the pub tam suggessted they see if gary the conger eel wanted to go as well.

When tjey got to gazzers rock he was moping about tam asked hin if he was going to the pub but gary said nah Im skint.

No problem replied tam....

 

 

Heres that sick squid I owed you!

[sauchiejambo]

Whars the definition of a bigamist?

 

Its a fog over italy.

 

Whats the meaning os a specimin?

 

Its an Italian astronaut!

 

What the definition on indefinitely?

 

It when your balls are banging off her arse, youre in definitely

[superjack]

Jack. Your jokes make me laugh more often than not, but I have to say that this one is feckin gantin.

 

Absolute mince.

 

It was a shite record by that feckin Welsh boot into the bargain.

Sorry jonno, I'll try harder next time.

[superjack]

I just found a rock that was exactly 1760 yards long.

It must be some kind d of milestone.

[superjack]

What is the difference between arguing with your wife and arguing with a knife?

The knife has a point.

[superjack]

I buy all my guns from a guy called T-rex.

He's a small arms dealer.

[1953]

Will somebody please take the battery out of that CO2 detector as the beeping noise is giving me a headache!

[superjack]

A guy walks in and catches his wife giving 1 of her chebs a good scratch.

Delighted that he got a wee flash of her funbag, he shouts to her "boob itch".

She turns around looking angry and slaps him. She says "don't call me horrible names, and you didn't give me a fright."

[King Of The Cat Cafe]

In a school in Leith one day, a teacher asks her class "What football team do you support?  Raise your hands if it is Hibs."

 

The entire class raises their hands, except one boy.

 

"John, what team do you support?" asks the teacher.

 

"The famous Heart of Midlothian," says John.

 

"Why?" asks the teacher.

 

"Because my mum and dad support Hearts," says John.

 

"Well, John", the teacher says, "just because your mum and dad support Hearts, you don't have to copy them.  What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a junkie?"

 

John replies: " Then I'd support Hibs like the rest of these dirty bass tards."

[Ulysses]

According to a survey, 5 out of 6 people say Russian roulette is perfectly safe.

[Captain America]

In a school in Leith one day, a teacher asks her class "What football team do you support?  Raise your hands if it is Hibs."

 

The entire class raises their hands, except one boy.

 

"John, what team do you support?" asks the teacher.

 

"The famous Heart of Midlothian," says John.

 

"Why?" asks the teacher.

 

"Because my mum and dad support Hearts," says John.

 

"Well, John", the teacher says, "just because your mum and dad support Hearts, you don't have to copy them.  What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a junkie?"

 

John replies: " Then I'd support Hibs like the rest of these dirty bass tards."

[narre]

Bloke goes into a chemist and asks where the tampons are.
The assistant directs him towards the feminine hygiene section.
Five minutes later he goes to the counter with a bag of cotton wool and a toilet roll.
The assistants asks him 'I thought you wanted tampons ?', to which the bloke replied;
'Yesterday I sent my mrs out to pick me up a pack of 20 cigs, she came back with a pouch of baccy and a packet of papers. Lets see how she likes rolling her own.

[narre]

A young woman had been taking golf lessons.

She had just started playing her first round

of golf when she suffered a bee sting.

Her pain was so intense that she decided to

return to the clubhouse for help and to complain

Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse

and asked, 'Why are you back in so early?

What's wrong?'

'I was stung by a bee', she said.

'Where', he asked.

'Between the first and second hole', she replied.





He nodded knowingly and said, 'Then your

stance is too wide.'

[narre]

My daughter asked me "Can my boyfriend stay over tonight?"
"Can he ****!!!" I said
"Like a rabbit" was not the reply I was looking for

[narre]

Dear Deidre I was watching my next door neighbour's daughter sunbathing topless from my bedroom window.
As I was knocking one out I turned to notice my wife just stood there, arms folded...watching me. Is she a pervert?

[Unknown user]

Dear Deidre I was watching my next door neighbour's daughter sunbathing topless from my bedroom window.

As I was knocking one out I turned to notice my wife just stood there, arms folded...watching me. Is she a pervert?

I was watching my neighbours daughter sunbathing nude on her front for hours, but she never turned over once.

As you can imagine, I certainly didn't see the ***** side.

 

aw *****'s censored? Booooooooooo!

Edited June 3, 2017 by Smithee

[iantjambo]

According to a survey, 5 out of 6 people say Russian roulette is perfectly safe.

[jimbojambo]

Vincent van Gogh is in a bar and his mate walks in. He spots him and shouts over: ?D?ya wanna a beer??

Van Gogh replies: ?No ta, I?ve got one ?ere.?

[King Of The Cat Cafe]

My daughter asked me "Can my boyfriend stay over tonight?"

"Can he ****!!!" I said

"Like a rabbit" was not the reply I was looking for

 

Not only, but also...

 

Guy from Glasgow gets married and heads off to a big plush hotel for the first night of the honeymoon.

 

Next morning he orders room service breakfast. For himself, full Scottish, bacon, eggs, mushrooms - the whole works.

 

For his wife he orders lettuce, just lettuce.

He wanted to see if she ate like a rabbit as well....

[sairyinthat]

The ****er Fish.

 

Priest was on a boat and had a line out fishing

got a catch and was toiling landing it so a sailor jumped in to help

when they pulled it out the sailor said whoa that's a huge ****er

control your tongue the priest said

red faced sailor thinking on his feet but that is the name of that fish it's called a ****er fish

oops sorry said the priest I will take that back to the convent with me

carrying the fish wrapped in a cloth the visiting bishop spotted him and what do you have there father?

showing him he said this ****er

langage father language.

that is the name of the fish your eminence.

Oh I can clean that and take it to the kitchen for cooking

cleaned he takes it to the mother superior and asks her would you cook this ****er

That is terrible language your eminence.No that is the name of the fish he say's

Oh mother superior says the pope is arriving so I will cook this for tea

After a splendid meal the pope that was a superb fish where did you get that

I caught the ****er said the priest and cleaned the ****er said the bishop and I cooked the ****er said mother superior

The pope looked at them tipped his hat back pored a whisky crossed his ankles on the table top and said

Your not bad *****.

[rudi must stay]

I was at the bookies the other day

 

I bought a few John Grisham thrillers

[superjack]

A couple are ordering a meal at a restaraunt and they order the chicken surprise. The waiter places a casserole dish with the lid on it on their table.

The wife goes to remove the lid, but just as she teaches for it, the lid lifts up and she sees a pair of beady eyes looking out from under the lid.

She asks her husband if she seen it and he says no so she tells him to lift the lid. Just as he reaches over, again the lid lifts up and he now sees the 2 beady eyes looking at him.

He calls Waite over and explains what happened. The waiter asks what did you order?

The husband says the chicken surprise.

The waiter I'm very sorry, it appears o served you the Peking duck by accident.

[King Of The Cat Cafe]

Maybe time for that old classic Stan Boardman gag:

 

A BBC TV journalist is interviewing an elderly former Polish fighter pilot.

 

Interviewer: So Mr Stanczewski, I understand that in 1943 you shot down five German aircraft in a single engagement. Could you tell us what happened?

 

Polish Fighter Pilot: Well we were flying at 20,000 feet when we spotted five Fokkers flying along below us. So we dived down and I aimed at one of the Fokkers and fired a burst from my machine guns right into him and he exploded.

 

Then I saw that one of the Fokkers was on my tail, so I pulled round in a loop and got behind him, and fired and he went down on fire. I looked around and saw two Fokkers attacking my squadron leader, so slipped in behind them, and fired, and that was another Fokker going down in flames.

 

The other Fokker tried to get away from me, but I got right up behind him, and blasted him with my machine guns and turned over and exploded. There was only one of the Fokkers left now, and he was trying to get away, but I flew up behind him, shot - bang, bang, bang - and he blew up too!

 

Interviewer: I should point out for the benefit of the viewers at home, that the Fokker was a type of German aircraft used in the war.

 

Polish Fighter Pilot: No, no, no - these fokkers were in Messerschmitts.

[¼½¾]

I remember the last thing my granddad said to me before he kicked the bucket.

 

He said, "Hey, watch how far I can kick this bucket!"

[Morgan]

I remember the last thing my granddad said to me before he kicked the bucket.

 

He said, "Hey, watch how far I can kick this bucket!"

[Neilson's Shank]

Dear Deidre I was watching my next door neighbour's daughter sunbathing topless from my bedroom window.

As I was knocking one out I turned to notice my wife just stood there, arms folded...watching me. Is she a pervert?

Actually laughed at that.

[scott herbertson]

Two Romans are sitting in a bar having a conversation.

Roman 1, you won't believe how many women I have slept with.

Roman 2, mm?

Roman 1, don't be ridiculous, not that many.

 

 

Nice one - my son's doing Latin Gcse so i was able to provide some parental support with that - mind you, he did throw a bottle top at me!

[RobNox]

One of my own crap jokes....

 

I have this recurring nightmare where I can't stop singing 'Love Is All Around'

 

It's a Wet Wet Wet dream!