Watt-Zeefuik Posted September 5, 2017 Share Posted September 5, 2017 When I was in Scotland last summer I had to drive down through Lochend. I was afraid my turn signal wasn't working so I pulled over and asked the man in the Hibs top to watch when I flipped the switch and tell me if it was working or no. I turned it on and he said, "yes, no wait no. Yes. No hang on no. Wait, yes, no, no." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Neilson's Shank Posted September 5, 2017 Share Posted September 5, 2017 My grandfather used to say, "first rule of theatre - always leave them wanting more." Great guy but a terrible anaesthetist. Really funny, love it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted September 5, 2017 Share Posted September 5, 2017 We were in bed last night when she said to me, "if you turn the bedside lamp off, I'll take it in my bottom." In hindsight I should have waited for the bulb cool first. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted September 5, 2017 Share Posted September 5, 2017 Have you been hurt in an accident involving a rhythm stick? You could be entitled to compensation with a personal Ian Dury claim Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
robroy1874 Posted September 6, 2017 Share Posted September 6, 2017 Have you been hurt in an accident involving a rhythm stick? You could be entitled to compensation with a personal Ian Dury claim Tried not to chuckle but couldn't help it Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted September 6, 2017 Share Posted September 6, 2017 A woman takes her pet schnauzer to the vet because she thinks it's going deaf. The vet checks the dog and finds that its ears are full of hair. He recommends that she apply hair remover to the dog's ears. She goes to the chemist shop to pick up the hair remover. The guy behind the counter says, "If you're putting that on your armpits, don't use deodorant for a week." "It's not for my armpits," she replies. "Well, if you're putting it on your legs, don't use skin cream for a week." "It's not for my legs," she replies. "If you must know, I'm putting it on my schnauzer." He says, "In that case, don't use your bike for a week." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted September 6, 2017 Share Posted September 6, 2017 What's algebra? It's what you take off a mermaid so you can play with her tits. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ron Burgundy Posted September 7, 2017 Share Posted September 7, 2017 What did the leper say to the prostitute? Keep the tip. What do you call a dog with no tongue? Smelly baws. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted September 7, 2017 Share Posted September 7, 2017 (edited) Two Irish builders (Paddy and S?amus) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub in Dublin when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit. Paddy: - I reckon he's an accountant. S?amus: - No way - he's a stockbroker.. Paddy: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here! The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Pat and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at the urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder. Paddy: - 'Scuse me.. No offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living? Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession. Paddy: - Oh! What's that then? Suit: - I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at home? Paddy: - Err... Mmm . Well yeah, I do as it happens! Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it? Paddy: - It's in a pond! Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden. Paddy - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden! Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house? Paddy: - As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house...built it myself! Suit: - Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married? Paddy: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and five children. Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis? Paddy:- Yep! Five or six nights a week! Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often? Paddy: - Me? Never. Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work! Paddy: - How's that then? Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life! Paddy: - I see! That's pretty impressive...thanks mate! Both leave the toilet and Pat returns to his mate. S?amus: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does? Paddy - Yep! He's a logical scientist! S?amus: - What's that then? Paddy: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish? S?amus: - Nope. Paddy: - Well then, you're a w@nker. Edited September 7, 2017 by superjack Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted September 8, 2017 Share Posted September 8, 2017 A mate told me today that he's started shagging his girlfriend AND her twin. I asked the lucky bigger if he could tell them apart. He said, "Easy. Her brother has a moustache." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted September 10, 2017 Share Posted September 10, 2017 Why do elephants paint their toenails red? It's for camouflage when they're hiding in cherry trees Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ulysses Posted September 10, 2017 Share Posted September 10, 2017 Why do elephants paint their toenails red? It's for camouflage when they're hiding in cherry trees Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ulysses Posted September 10, 2017 Share Posted September 10, 2017 The first rule of Thesaurus Club is you don't talk about, mention, allude to, discuss, speak of, or chat about Thesaurus Club. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King Of The Cat Cafe Posted September 10, 2017 Share Posted September 10, 2017 We've added a new dog to the pack, but I think it was a mistake. It has been nothing but trouble. Yaps all the time for attention; bullies the other dogs; pushes them about and nips them when it thinks no one is watching. I'm not sure of the breed, it is a sort of a brown terrier. Seemed appropriate to name it Scottie. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted September 10, 2017 Share Posted September 10, 2017 Crossword clue that took me ages: 9 letter word beginning and ending with N and it means constipation. nnnnnnnnn!!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted September 10, 2017 Share Posted September 10, 2017 Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? No. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted September 10, 2017 Share Posted September 10, 2017 Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? Nobody ever has. They're that well disguised. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ulysses Posted September 10, 2017 Share Posted September 10, 2017 Nobody ever has. They're that well disguised. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ulysses Posted September 10, 2017 Share Posted September 10, 2017 No. Well then it works, doesn't it? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jamboy1982 Posted September 10, 2017 Share Posted September 10, 2017 I've told you the deja vu joke, haven't I? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deesidejambo Posted September 11, 2017 Share Posted September 11, 2017 Nobody ever has. They're that well disguised. Great double act. I eat lots of garlic to keep the vampires away. It seems to work because I've never seen a vampire. **** it. Forget it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted September 11, 2017 Share Posted September 11, 2017 A large woman wearing a sleeveless sun dress walked into a pub in England. She raised her right arm revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink? The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, a bleary-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink! The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them revealing the same hairy armpit and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink? Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!" The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say, old chap, it's none of my business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her 'the ballerina' ?" The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted September 11, 2017 Share Posted September 11, 2017 What is yellow and smells of marge? Homer's fingers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unknown user Posted September 11, 2017 Author Share Posted September 11, 2017 What is yellow and smells of marge? Homer's fingers. What's green and smells of pork? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted September 11, 2017 Share Posted September 11, 2017 Bear walks into a bar. "What'll you have?" says the barman "I'll have a gin." says the bear. Barman goes off, puts ice and lemon in the glass and pours a nice measure of gin and sets it on the bar in front of the bear. "...And tonic." says the bear. Barman says, "Whats with the big pause?" The bear looks down and says, "I don't know but my dad had them too." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tazio Posted September 11, 2017 Share Posted September 11, 2017 What is yellow and smells of marge? Homer's fingers. Vintage joke version. What's grey and smells of curry? John Major's pubes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted September 14, 2017 Share Posted September 14, 2017 A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, you name it. Meanwhile, Grandpa is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy William, we won't be long . . . easy, boy." Another outburst and she hears the grandpa calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy". At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart and Grandpa says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool, William." Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says to the elderly man, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying 'things would be okay.' William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa." "Thanks," said the grandpa, "but I'm William. The little shit's name is Kevin.? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted September 14, 2017 Share Posted September 14, 2017 I could hear my neighbour at it through the wall last night. The loud groaning and moaning and the headboard banging of the wall. Turns out her old gran had had a bad fall and was banging on the wall with her stick for help. I feel a bit guilty about that wank now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
My half sister Posted September 14, 2017 Share Posted September 14, 2017 I could hear my neighbour at it through the wall last night. The loud groaning and moaning and the headboard banging of the wall. Turns out her old gran had had a bad fall and was banging on the wall with her stick for help. I feel a bit guilty about that wank now. That's a belter Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dumpson Posted September 15, 2017 Share Posted September 15, 2017 Heard about the dyslexic devil worshipper ? He sold his soul to santa. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mark_Higg Posted September 15, 2017 Share Posted September 15, 2017 (edited) I hear a cure for dyslexia has been found. That's music to my arse Sent from my LG-H850 using Tapatalk Edited September 15, 2017 by Mark_Higg Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted September 16, 2017 Share Posted September 16, 2017 How do you break up 2 blind guys fighting? Shout my money's on the 1 who's naked. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted September 16, 2017 Share Posted September 16, 2017 I keep getting hit by the same push bike, at the same time and place every day. It's a vicious cycle. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unknown user Posted September 16, 2017 Author Share Posted September 16, 2017 I hear a cure for dyslexia has been found. That's music to my arse Sent from my LG-H850 using Tapatalk Been on here before but still gets a from me Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tompurdieggg Posted September 16, 2017 Share Posted September 16, 2017 Irish caddy, caddying for American tourist at K club. Doesn't put a foot wrong all day. Every putt, line club selection perfect. Yank thanks him and offers to play him the following day as a thank you for ?100 a hole. Paddy says and yank says what time. 10:00 but I might be half an hour late. On to the morning and paddy is there at 10 sharp and they play 18 holes paddy is ?1800 up. The yank is in disbelief. He says give me a chance tomorrow to get my money back. Paddy says sure 10:00, but I might be half an hour late. Following day Paddy is there again 10:00 sharp but this time has left handed clubs. The yank smiles. Another 18 holes later and paddy is another ?1800 up. The yank says hold on.... Yesterday you beat me all 18 holes with right handed clubs, today with left handed clubs that's unbelievable. What's with the switch? He says if I wake up and my wife is on her left side I play left handed, when she's on her right i play right handed. What's with the 30 mins late, ah he says that's when she's lying on her back. Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted September 16, 2017 Share Posted September 16, 2017 Tommy Cooper ? "Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted September 16, 2017 Share Posted September 16, 2017 Ken Dodd ? ?I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted September 17, 2017 Share Posted September 17, 2017 My father died because he couldn't remember his blood type. He kept tell us to be positive but it's difficult without him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
samgolden Posted September 17, 2017 Share Posted September 17, 2017 Bill Clinton and Tiger Woods attend a Charity Event when they meet in the bathroom while peeing,Curious Bill leans over and eyes Tigers Tadger,He says Tiger ma boy how do you keep your pecker so big and firm,Tiger replys well Bill before I get into bed I tap my pecker 3 times on the bed post So Bill arrives home and Hillary is asleep and he says to himself I gonna try Tigers advice so Taps his Pecker against the bed post and awakens Hilary who jumps up and says TIGER IS THAT YOU Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted September 17, 2017 Share Posted September 17, 2017 My father died because he couldn't remember his blood type. He kept tell us to be positive but it's difficult without him. I remember with great fondness the words my dad said before he kicked three bucket. "Son! Look how far I can kick this bucket!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Toxteth O'Grady Posted September 17, 2017 Share Posted September 17, 2017 Took the shell off my racing snail to try and make him faster. If anything he's now more sluggish What did the slug say to the snail? Big Issue! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RobNox Posted September 17, 2017 Share Posted September 17, 2017 (edited) An old favourite of mine from Jerry Sadowitz... What do you get if you cross shite with cancer? Marti Caine (I realise some of the younger folks on this forum will have no idea who Marti Caine was....sorry) Edited September 17, 2017 by RobNox Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King Of The Cat Cafe Posted September 18, 2017 Share Posted September 18, 2017 An old favourite of mine from Jerry Sadowitz... What do you get if you cross shite with cancer? Marti Caine (I realise some of the younger folks on this forum will have no idea who Marti Caine was....sorry) I think we have plumbed new depths here. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bauld Posted September 18, 2017 Share Posted September 18, 2017 I keep making racist jokes about my Dad and his Thai bride. He finds it really annoying...and so does my Dad. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bauld Posted September 18, 2017 Share Posted September 18, 2017 I've just released my own fragrance. But nobody on this bus seems to like it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted September 18, 2017 Share Posted September 18, 2017 (edited) I gave my wife an orgasm last night. Ungrateful cow spat it out. Edited September 18, 2017 by I P Knightley Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bauld Posted September 18, 2017 Share Posted September 18, 2017 Husband - "Before I die I need to confess something." Wife - "Sssshhh now, there's nothing to confess, everything is all right." Husband - "No, I must die in peace, I slept with your sister, best friend, and two of your co-workers ." Wife - "I know, that's why I poisoned you, now close your eyes ......." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bauld Posted September 18, 2017 Share Posted September 18, 2017 What do you call a psychic dwarf wanted by the police? A small medium at large. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jim747 Posted September 18, 2017 Share Posted September 18, 2017 I gave my wife an orgasm last night. Ungrateful cow spat it out. chuckled at that one Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
winniethedog Posted September 20, 2017 Share Posted September 20, 2017 Bloke phones his work to say he can't come in today as he is sick. Boss asks how sick are you? Bloke replies "well at the moment i'm in bed with my disabled sister" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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