Unashamedly crap jokes (some are pure gold!)

[butch]

At a wedding ceremony, the pastor asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom.

It was their time to stand up and talk or forever hold their peace.

The moment of utter silence was broken by a young beautiful woman carrying an infant.

She started walking toward the pastor slowly.

Everything quickly turned to chaos.

The bride slapped the groom.

The groom's mother fainted.

The groomsmen started giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save the situation.

The pastor asked the woman, "Can you tell us why you came forward? What do you have to say?"

The woman replied, "We can't hear in the back."

[Jeff]

Just found out my sisters into beastiality... Well Ill be a monkeys uncle

[iantjambo]

At a wedding ceremony, the pastor asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom.

It was their time to stand up and talk or forever hold their peace.

The moment of utter silence was broken by a young beautiful woman carrying an infant.

She started walking toward the pastor slowly.

Everything quickly turned to chaos.

The bride slapped the groom.

The groom's mother fainted.

The groomsmen started giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save the situation.

The pastor asked the woman, "Can you tell us why you came forward? What do you have to say?"

The woman replied, "We can't hear in the back."

 

 

[Morgan]

Is that a vanilla slice or a meringue?

 

No, you're right, it's a vanilla slice.

[superjack]

A man farmer goes out one morning and sees his old cockerol is dead so he pops into town to buy a new young cockerol.

When he gets it back to the farm, straight away it gets wired into all 150 hens. The farmer is chuffed and starts thinking of all the young chicks that will be hatching soon. However, after lunch, the cockerol is going at all 150 hens again and the farmer starts getting worried that he will not last long.

The next morning, the cockerol is at it with the 150 hens, the ducks, geese and even his pet parrot.

That evening the farmer has a look outside and sees the young cockerol looking half dead, there are even vultures circling. The farmer shouts "serves you right you manky bugger". The cockerol whispers back "shh, I'm waiting on them to land."

Edited June 27, 2017 by superjack

[Ulysses]

A woman at work said "I really like Beyonc?".

 

I said "whatever floats your boat".

 

She replied "no, that's buoyancy".

[Captain America]

A woman at work said "I really like Beyonc?".

 

I said "whatever floats your boat".

 

She replied "no, that's buoyancy".

[luckyBatistuta]

Batistuta will be all over that like a cheap suit.

 

superjacks sister, that's one cheap suit that was too tight for me

[superjack]

superjacks sister, that's one cheap suit that was too tight for me

You obviously haven't worm that suit for quite a few years.

[superjack]

What's prickly and says meaow?

A catcus.

[luckyBatistuta]

You obviously haven't worm that suit for quite a few years.

 

Are you outing yourself as a hibs fan sj ?

[Watt-Zeefuik]

My father works down at the women's pants factory.  He's a diesel fitter.

 

As the products come off the line he inspects them. If they pass, he says, "diesel fitter!"

[Morgan]

Why do Irish lassies buy their knickers from C & A ?

So they can tell which way to put them on.

[superjack]

 

Are you outing yourself as a hibs fan sj ?

Shit, caught out. I've even died my teeth florescent yellow to match my teams manager.

[superjack]

Seen this on a dating site.

Premature ejaculator seeks stunning blonde with huge ti

Oops, no need now.

[samgolden]

Young lady Walking past a pet shop, reads a sign in the Window "Clitoris Licking Frog " ?100 pounds

Surprised she entered the store to enquire? She asked the Pet shop owner is this advert true He replied "yes and proceeded to tell the lady what to do.

Just go home and before bedtime shower and wear something revealing to get the frog in the mood then lay on the bed spread your legs and place the frog between you legs and it will do the business.I'll take it

Well she could not wait to get home and try this out and did everything the pet shop owner said,but the frog just sat there burping at her.

Angry she called the pet shop to complain and the pet shop owner replied I'm sorry this should not happen and asked for her address.

So the pet shop owner arrives and asked the lady if she does not mind can she put the frog in the position while he observe the frogs reaction,which she did and to his disbelief the the frog just sits there burping away,angrily he picks up the frog looks it in the eye and says

"Right this is the last time I show you what to do

.

[scott herbertson]

Young lady Walking past a pet shop, reads a sign in the Window "Clitoris Licking Frog " ?100 pounds

Surprised she entered the store to enquire? She asked the Pet shop owner is this advert true He replied "yes and proceeded to tell the lady what to do.

Just go home and before bedtime shower and wear something revealing to get the frog in the mood then lay on the bed spread your legs and place the frog between you legs and it will do the business.I'll take it

Well she could not wait to get home and try this out and did everything the pet shop owner said,but the frog just sat there burping at her.

Angry she called the pet shop to complain and the pet shop owner replied I'm sorry this should not happen and asked for her address.

So the pet shop owner arrives and asked the lady if she does not mind can she put the frog in the position while he observe the frogs reaction,which she did and to his disbelief the the frog just sits there burping away,angrily he picks up the frog looks it in the eye and says

"Right this is the last time I show you what to do

.

  nice one

[superjack]

I saw a four-year-old girl, crying and all alone.

 

"Are you ok?" I asked her. "Do you know where your mummy and daddy are?"

 

"No" she sobbed

 

I love doing volunteer work at the orphanage

[Sawdust Caesar]

A man goes to church and tells the priest "Father, I almost cheated on my wife."

 

The priest asks him "How do you almost cheat on your wife?"

 

The man says "Well, me and the woman were naked but we just rubbed against each other."

 

The priest looks at him disgusted and says"Rubbing is the same as putting it in. Never do it again, say five Hail Marys and put ?100 in the donations box."

 

The next time the priest sees the man he is infuriated "You didn't put ?100 in the donations box."

 

The man looks at the priest disgusted "I rubbed the money against the box, and rubbing is the same as putting it in."

[Sawdust Caesar]

A man goes to his male doctor after several tests and tells him "Give it to me straight, doc."

 

The doctor replies That's impossible, were both males."

 

They both laugh and the doctor says "Besides, I don't want HIV."

[Swanny17]

When I boarded my flight earlier I realised I'd forgotten to download a Paul McCartney album to my iPhone so had to settle for Westlife instead. I'm Flying without Wings.

[John Gentleman]

A duck wanted to become a squirrel but it proved to be a hard nut to quack.

[martoon]

How does a porn star phone in sick?

 

"I can't cum".

[superjack]

One evening a man was watching tv with a beer and a bowl of peanuts. Every now and then, he would toss a peanut into the air and catch it in his mouth. Just as he tossed 1 into the air his wife called his name. As he turned his head towards her the peanut lodged itself inside the man's ear.

After a few minutes of trying to get the peanut out, he had only succeeded in pushing it in further. His wife had a look and said he should go to A and E.

As they were walking out the door their daughter came home with her date for the evening who was just dropping her off. They told them where they were going and why. The daughters date said he knew a way to dislodge the peanut, so the dad decided to give it a try. The young man stuck his fingers up the guys nose and said "try as hard as you can to blow your nose". The man tried and straight away, the peanut came shooting out of his ear.

The mother and father thanked him profusely and he said it was no problem.

After he was gone and their daughter had gone to bed, the couple were talking about what a nice young man he is. The wife said "what a smart young man, I wonder what he'll be when he grows a few years older".

The father says "judging by the smell of his fingers, our son in law".

[Watt-Zeefuik]

It's sad that a family can be torn apart by something so simple as wild dogs.

[luckyBatistuta]

One evening a man was watching tv with a beer and a bowl of peanuts. Every now and then, he would toss a peanut into the air and catch it in his mouth. Just as he tossed 1 into the air his wife called his name. As he turned his head towards her the peanut lodged itself inside the man's ear.

After a few minutes of trying to get the peanut out, he had only succeeded in pushing it in further. His wife had a look and said he should go to A and E.

As they were walking out the door their daughter came home with her date for the evening who was just dropping her off. They told them where they were going and why. The daughters date said he knew a way to dislodge the peanut, so the dad decided to give it a try. The young man stuck his fingers up the guys nose and said "try as hard as you can to blow your nose". The man tried and straight away, the peanut came shooting out of his ear.

The mother and father thanked him profusely and he said it was no problem.

After he was gone and their daughter had gone to bed, the couple were talking about what a nice young man he is. The wife said "what a smart young man, I wonder what he'll be when he grows a few years older".

The father says "judging by the smell of his fingers, our son in law".

superb

[superjack]

A female bodybuilder goes to the doctors and says "Doctor, I've grown a penis because I've taken too many steroids".

 

Doctor:" Anabolic?"

 

Woman: "No, just a penis".

[luckyBatistuta]

A female bodybuilder goes to the doctors and says "Doctor, I've grown a penis because I've taken too many steroids".

Doctor:" Anabolic?"

Woman: "No, just a penis".

[Maple Leaf]

One evening a man was watching tv with a beer and a bowl of peanuts. Every now and then, he would toss a peanut into the air and catch it in his mouth. Just as he tossed 1 into the air his wife called his name. As he turned his head towards her the peanut lodged itself inside the man's ear.

After a few minutes of trying to get the peanut out, he had only succeeded in pushing it in further. His wife had a look and said he should go to A and E.

As they were walking out the door their daughter came home with her date for the evening who was just dropping her off. They told them where they were going and why. The daughters date said he knew a way to dislodge the peanut, so the dad decided to give it a try. The young man stuck his fingers up the guys nose and said "try as hard as you can to blow your nose". The man tried and straight away, the peanut came shooting out of his ear.

The mother and father thanked him profusely and he said it was no problem.

After he was gone and their daughter had gone to bed, the couple were talking about what a nice young man he is. The wife said "what a smart young man, I wonder what he'll be when he grows a few years older".

The father says "judging by the smell of his fingers, our son in law".

Funniest one in recent weeks.  

[Morgan]

One evening a man was watching tv with a beer and a bowl of peanuts. Every now and then, he would toss a peanut into the air and catch it in his mouth. Just as he tossed 1 into the air his wife called his name. As he turned his head towards her the peanut lodged itself inside the man's ear.

After a few minutes of trying to get the peanut out, he had only succeeded in pushing it in further. His wife had a look and said he should go to A and E.

As they were walking out the door their daughter came home with her date for the evening who was just dropping her off. They told them where they were going and why. The daughters date said he knew a way to dislodge the peanut, so the dad decided to give it a try. The young man stuck his fingers up the guys nose and said "try as hard as you can to blow your nose". The man tried and straight away, the peanut came shooting out of his ear.

The mother and father thanked him profusely and he said it was no problem.

After he was gone and their daughter had gone to bed, the couple were talking about what a nice young man he is. The wife said "what a smart young man, I wonder what he'll be when he grows a few years older".

The father says "judging by the smell of his fingers, our son in law".

[superjack]

2 guys are on the changing room together and 1 notices a cork sticking out his mates arse. He asks "how did you get a cork in your arse?"

"I was walking along the beach this morning and I tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke and then a red man in a purple turban came oozing out. He says 'I am tonto, indian genie and I grant you 1 wish.'"

I said "no shit."

[superjack]

A famous heart surgeon died and everyone was gathered at his funeral. The coffin was displayed in front of a large heart. When the service was over and the minister paid his thanks to everyone for attending, the huge heart opened, the coffin rolled into the heart and then the heart closed.

At this time, a guy near the front of the church burst out laughing. The woman next to him told him he was rather rude for laughing at the funeral. The guy then said he's very sorry but he was thinking about his own funeral.

Why did you laugh so loud Then?

I'm a gynocologist.

[Dawnrazor]

 

Just for when you're getting dragged around the shops for hours, males can always get the food in quicker.

[Bauld]

 

Just for when you're getting dragged around the shops for hours, males can always get the food in quicker.

 

I just showed this to my wife. She's very much a "**** it that'll do" lady though.

[swavkav]

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

 

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

 

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

 

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

 

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

 

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"

12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's!

[Maple Leaf]

I'm reading a book about physics at the moment, and there's a joke in there that apparently is a real kneeslapper among physicists.  Judge for yourself.

 

A boy is growing up and he never speaks.  He goes well past the age where normal kids speak, but he never utters a word.  His parents take him to specialists, have tests performed, but nothing changes.  The boy remains silent. 

 

One day, at the age of six, the lad comes down for breakfast as usual.  He takes a bite out of his toast, puts the toast down, and announces, "This toast is cold."

 

The parents explode with happiness and are dancing around hugging each other with joy.  Finally the father says to the boy, "Why haven't you said anything before now?"

 

The boy replies, "Up until now, the toast has been fine."

[cuthy2k]

I'm reading a book about physics at the moment, and there's a joke in there that apparently is a real kneeslapper among physicists.  Judge for yourself.

 

A boy is growing up and he never speaks.  He goes well past the age where normal kids speak, but he never utters a word.  His parents take him to specialists, have tests performed, but nothing changes.  The boy remains silent. 

 

One day, at the age of six, the lad comes down for breakfast as usual.  He takes a bite out of his toast, puts the toast down, and announces, "This toast is cold."

 

The parents explode with happiness and are dancing around hugging each other with joy.  Finally the father says to the boy, "Why haven't you said anything before now?"

 

The boy replies, "Up until now, the toast has been fine."

 

haha!! 

[cuthy2k]

haha!! 

 

Pretty sure this is based on Einstein hence the relevance to physics  

[milky_26]

Pretty sure this is based on Einstein hence the relevance to physics

yep it is to do with german efficieny. im sure henning wehn said the same joke on 8 out of 10 cats does countdown 

[dougal]

Johnny loses one of his eyes in an accident. He gets a glass eye to replace it. A few weeks later Billy calls him up and asks if he fancies hitting the town. Johnny reluctantly agreed. While getting ready he drops his glass eye and it smashes. He phones Billy to cancel and explains what happened. Billy says don't worry I've got a mate who'll make you a wooden one for just now. Again Johnny reluctantly agreed to go out. They pop round Billy's mate's place and he makes a wooden eye for Johnny. As they're walking into town Johnny becomes paranoid about the eye. He asks Billy what should he do if someone pokes fun at him. Billy tells him just to give them abuse back. They visit several pubs with no problems and decide to go to a nightclub. While in the club Johnny spits a good looking girl across the dance floor. Johnny decides to go over to try to chat her up. As he goes over he noticed that she has a bit of growth on her back. He carries on anyway noting that he's not exactly perfect himself. When he gets over to her he says

"Would you like to dance?"

She replies "Would I!"

To which he says "**** off you hunchback bitch!".

Edited July 6, 2017 by dougal

[Morgan]

Johnny loses one of his eyes in an accident. He gets a glass eye to replace it. A few weeks later Billy calls him up and asks if he fancies hitting the town. Johnny reluctantly agreed. While getting ready he drops his glass eye and it smashes. He phones Billy to cancel and explains what happened. Billy says don't worry I've got a mate who'll make you a wooden one for just now. Again Johnny reluctantly agreed to go out. They pop round Billy's mate's place and he makes a wooden eye for Johnny. As they're walking into town Johnny becomes paranoid about the eye. He asks Billy what should he do if someone pokes fun at him. Billy tells him just to give them abuse back. They visit several pubs with no problems and decide to go to a nightclub. While in the club Johnny spits a good looking girl across the dance floor. Johnny decides to go over to try to chat her up. As he goes over he noticed that she has a bit of growth on her back. He carries on anyway noting that he's not exactly perfect himself. When he gets over to her he says

"Would you like to dance?"

She replies "Would I!"

To which he says "**** off you hunchback bitch!".

[King Of The Cat Cafe]

During the Second World War, a German agent lands from a U-boat into rural Wales.

 

His mission is to join up with a Welsh collaborator to carry out acts of sabotage.

 

He has a password, but the only thing he knows about the collaborator is that his name is Jones.

 

He goes into a pub in a local village and asks the landlord if he knows anyone called Jones.

 

"Well," he said, "There are a lot of people called Jones here. There's Jones the Coal, he sells coal door to door; then there's Jones the milk, he has a delivery round. And there's Jones the sparks, he is an electrician.

 

"In fact, my name is Jones, they call me Jones the pub."

 

At this, the agent decides to try his code word. "The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain."

 

"Ah," says the publican. "You're looking for Jones the spy."

Edited July 8, 2017 by King Of The Cat Cafe

[superjack]

During the Second World War, a German agent lands from a U-boat into rural Wales.

 

His mission is to join up with a Welsh collaborator to carry out acts of sabotage.

 

He has a password, but the only thing he knows about the collaborator is that his name is Jones.

 

He goes into a pub in a local village and asks the landlord if he knows anyone called Jones.

 

"Well," he said, "There are a lot of people called Jones here. There's Jones the Coal, he sells coal door to door; then there's Jones the milk, he has a delivery round. And there's Jones the sparks, he is an electrician.

 

"In fact, my name is Jones, they call me Jones the pub."

 

At this, the agent decides to try his code word. "The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain."

 

"Ah," says the publican. "You're looking for Jones the spy."

Sorry, but this must be the worst joke on this thread yet.

[superjack]

I stopped my wife getting beat up this afternoon.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I counted to 10.

[Watt-Zeefuik]

I stopped my wife getting beat up this afternoon.

 

 

I counted to 10.

 

And this thread had been going so well....

[Maple Leaf]

Sorry, but this must be the worst joke on this thread yet.

Which makes it a winner, as this is the "Unashamedly crap jokes" thread.  

 

I have to admit, it made me laugh.

[Maple Leaf]

An American tourist in Scotland sees a farmer walking along with a wheelbarrow full of tiny black balls.  The American is curious. 

?Buddy, what are those??, he asks the farmer.

?These are smart pills,? says the farmer.  ?They will increase your intelligence.  I sell them for five pounds each.?

?Sounds great to me,? says the American, ?I?ll have four,? and he hands over twenty pounds to the farmer.  The farmer takes four of the small black balls from the wheelbarrow and hands them to the American. 

The American sweeps them into his mouth, swallows, then immediately spits them out again, gagging and spitting and coughing.

?These things taste like sheep shit!? gasps the retching American.

?See that!? replies the Scot. ?You?re getting smarter already.?

[Watt-Zeefuik]

An American tourist in Scotland sees a farmer walking along with a wheelbarrow full of tiny black balls.  The American is curious. 

?Buddy, what are those??, he asks the farmer.

?These are smart pills,? says the farmer.  ?They will increase your intelligence.  I sell them for five pounds each.?

?Sounds great to me,? says the American, ?I?ll have four,? and he hands over twenty pounds to the farmer.  The farmer takes four of the small black balls from the wheelbarrow and hands them to the American. 

The American sweeps them into his mouth, swallows, then immediately spits them out again, gagging and spitting and coughing.

?These things taste like sheep shit!? gasps the retching American.

?See that!? replies the Scot. ?You?re getting smarter already.?

 

"Hey farmer, where does this road go?"

"Doesn't go much of anywhere, just sort of lays there"

 

"Hey farmer, how far is it to Edinburgh?"

"About 9,412 lengths of a fool."

"Wait, how long is that?"

"Just lie down in the road and you'll see."

[chester copperpot]

Probably been on this thread so apologies if so.......

 

A dyslexic skier was coming down the ski slopes when he started to get all confused and pulled up to what he thought was a ski instructor........

 

Anyway, he pulls up at the ski instructor and says 'listen mate, I am really badly dyslexic, can you help me out'...

 

"Sure" says the ski instructor.....

 

'See when you're coming down the hill, do you zig zag, or do you zag zig'

 

The ski instructor says "**** knows mate, I'm a tobagganist".......

 

To which the guy says 'in that case can I get 20 Benson and hedges'

 

Coat. Got.

[indianajones]

Probably been on this thread so apologies if so.......

 

A dyslexic skier was coming down the ski slopes when he started to get all confused and pulled up to what he thought was a ski instructor........

 

Anyway, he pulls up at the ski instructor and says 'listen mate, I am really badly dyslexic, can you help me out'...

 

"Sure" says the ski instructor.....

 

'See when you're coming down the hill, do you zig zag, or do you zag zig'

 

The ski instructor says "**** knows mate, I'm a tobagganist".......

 

To which the guy says 'in that case can I get 20 Benson and hedges'

 

Coat. Got.