Unashamedly crap jokes (some are pure gold!)

[superjack]

How do you get 2 whales in a car?

Start in England and drive west.

[King Of The Cat Cafe]

How do you get 2 whales in a car?

Start in England and drive west.

Groan....

[Morgan]

One of my own crap jokes....

 

I have this recurring nightmare where I can't stop singing 'Love Is All Around'

 

It's a Wet Wet Wet dream!

You're some pellow!!

[superjack]

A reporter went to the local mental hospital to do a story on some of the patients and their ailments. As she was being led around by the nurse she noticed a patient in his room running a few steps swinging his arm forward underhanded as though he was throwing something then he hollered SPARE! He again did this only this time hollered STRIKE! She asked him what he was doing and he said "oh, I'm just bowling".

They continued the tour and now she noticed another patient who was swinging both arms as though he was holding a bat and saying, "strike one, strike two, etc..." she asked what he was doing and he said "just playing baseball".

As they continued on again this time she saw a man sitting in a chair naked with a hard-on and he was balancing a peanut on the end of his dick. She had to ask "and what the hell are you doing"? He said "me, oh i'm just ****ing nuts"!

[BM1874]

What do you call a Spanish Ned?

 

 

Xav-ier

(pronounced chavier)

 

It's terrible I know

[King Of The Cat Cafe]

Guy walks into a pub with an elephant on a lead.

He gets talking to the barman about what a clever animal the elephant is.

Bloke says: "He has a party trick. He f#cks cats."

Barman says: "This I have got to see."

He brings his own cat into the bar and sets it down on the floor.

The elephant lifts one foot and - bam - squashes the cat flat.

Bloke says: "Told you. That's another cat f#cked".

[Morgan]

Guy walks into a pub with an elephant on a lead.

He gets talking to the barman about what a clever animal the elephant is.

Bloke says: "He has a party trick. He f#cks cats."

Barman says: "This I have got to see."

He brings his own cat into the bar and sets it down on the floor.

The elephant lifts one foot and - bam - squashes the cat flat.

Bloke says: "Told you. That's another cat f#cked".

Bedtime!!

 

[deesidejambo]

Guy goes into a theatre agent with a dog.

 

What i have here is a talking dog.

 

Oh yeah?    Lets hear him then.

 

OK Rover, what is on the top of a house?

 

The dog barks - Woof!

 

The agent is not impressed.

 

OK Rover, what does sandpaper feel like?

 

The dog growls, ruffff!

 

The agent says sorry mate, thats not really talking is it?  Cant give you any work I'm afraid, Good-day.

 

On the way home, the guys says, well Rover, that didn't go well, you didn't say much.

 

The dogs says - we'll you were the one asking the stupid questions.

[King Of The Cat Cafe]

A young lad is sitting on the side of the pavement in Tollcross holding a fishing rod with a line that disappears into a gulley on the roadside.

Guy walks up and laughs heartily "Ha ha ha, young lad; how many have you caught?"

The lad looks at him and says "you're the fourth today."

[¼½¾]

A man's sitting at home when there's a knock at the door. He opens it to find two police officers standing there. He invites them in.

"What's the problem?", the guy asks.

"Are you a married?, asks one of the officers. To which the guy says "Yes."

"Could we see a picture of your wife?", ask the other officer.

"Here she is.", says the guy showing them a wedding photo.

"I'm sorry sir.", says one of the cops, "It looks like your wife's been hit by a truck."

"I know.", said the guy, "But she's a great cook and has a cracking personality."

[Morgan]

A man's sitting at home when there's a knock at the door. He opens it to find two police officers standing there. He invites them in.

"What's the problem?", the guy asks.

"Are you a married?, asks one of the officers. To which the guy says "Yes."

"Could we see a picture of your wife?", ask the other officer.

"Here she is.", says the guy showing them a wedding photo.

"I'm sorry sir.", says one of the cops, "It looks like your wife's been hit by a truck."

"I know.", said the guy, "But she's a great cook and has a cracking personality."

[superjack]

An old man goes to confession. He tells the priest that on Friday night, he'd been in the bar when he started talking to three girls nearby. "Maybe twenty-two, two blondes and a redhead. One had legs, one had knockers like you wouldn't believe, and the last had all the right curves. I started lusting, Father."

 

"Yes," says the priest, "Lust is a dangerous sin."

 

"There's more," says the man. "I talked to them for an hour, bought them a lot of drinks, and then brought them to my home and slept with all three of them."

 

The priest pauses. "And how long has it been since your last confession?"

 

"I've never come. This is my first."

 

"How is this your first confession?"

 

"I'm Jewish."

 

"Then... why are you telling me all this?"

 

"Telling you? I'm telling everyone!"

[superjack]

I showed the damaged remains of my luggage to my lawyer and said "I want to sue the airline!"

The lawyer said" I see, but you don't have much of a case."

[Maple Leaf]

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.
Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said,
'"Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel
answered, "I have a suppository?" She pulled it out and stared at it.
Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing.
Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."

[superjack]

A chemist walks into his shop after popping out for lunch and sees a man leaning against a wall.

"What's up with him?" He asks his assistant.

"He came in for cough medicine but we've run out, so I gave him some strong laxatives instead."

"You idiot, you can't treat a cough with bloody laxatives."

The assistant replies"of course you can. Look at him, he daren't cough now!"

Edited June 15, 2017 by superjack

[Watt-Zeefuik]

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.

Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said,

'"Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel

answered, "I have a suppository?" She pulled it out and stared at it.

Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing.

Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."

Going to do my best to remember that one.

[Watt-Zeefuik]

A new arrival at the group home for the elderly sits down to dinner next to another man who's lived there a while.  They go through introductions, then the other asks the new arrival if he's here alone or married.

 

"No, wife passed away six months ago." Ah, fair enough says the other.  After a bit the new arrival says, "I loved my wife dearly but I think I've got a while to live.  I don't think I'll get married again, but is there any chance of getting some action here?"

 

"Well," says the other, "you've got to play your cards right.  To be specific, you've got to be willing to go down on them."

 

"Ooft," says the newcomer, "my wife was ill for years, so I've never been down on a woman over 70. Can I ask you what it tastes like?"

 

"Depends."

[King Of The Cat Cafe]

Little Story From The Police Courts:

 

A policeman is giving evidence against a man accused of assault occasioning actual bodily harm and is being cross-examined by a defence lawyer:

 

Lawyer: So, Constable Smith; you say my client bit off the ear of the injured party; did you actually seem him bite him on the ear?

Con. Smith: No.

Lawyer: Then how can you swear on oath that he did?

Con. Smith: Because I saw him spit it out.

[Maple Leaf]

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings.
After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, ?I?ll give you $800 to drop that towel that you have on.?
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds of staring, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves.

Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower, ?Who was that??
?It was Bob the next door neighbor,? she replies.
?Great!? the husband says, ?Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me??

[I P Knightley]

A new arrival at the group home for the elderly sits down to dinner next to another man who's lived there a while. They go through introductions, then the other asks the new arrival if he's here alone or married.

 

"No, wife passed away six months ago." Ah, fair enough says the other. After a bit the new arrival says, "I loved my wife dearly but I think I've got a while to live. I don't think I'll get married again, but is there any chance of getting some action here?"

 

"Well," says the other, "you've got to play your cards right. To be specific, you've got to be willing to go down on them."

 

"Ooft," says the newcomer, "my wife was ill for years, so I've never been down on a woman over 70. Can I ask you what it tastes like?"

 

"Depends."

If there's somewhere in here that I'm supposed to start laughing, could you point it out and possibly explain why? Edited June 15, 2017 by I P Knightley

[Unknown user]

If there's somewhere in here that I'm supposed to start laughing, could you point it out and possibly explain why?

I'm guessing Depends is a brand of something in the US, I can't think what though

[¼½¾]

I'm guessing Depends is a brand of something in the US, I can't think what though

Incontinence pads.

[Watt-Zeefuik]

If there's somewhere in here that I'm supposed to start laughing, could you point it out and possibly explain why?

 

F--- I was afraid of that. 

 

Yes, Depends are for adult incontinence.  I did a bit of googling and thought I saw them sold in the UK.

 

Sorry, not funny if you have to explain it.

Edited June 16, 2017 by Ugly American

[Watt-Zeefuik]

Little Story From The Police Courts:

 

A policeman is giving evidence against a man accused of assault occasioning actual bodily harm and is being cross-examined by a defence lawyer:

 

Lawyer: So, Constable Smith; you say my client bit off the ear of the injured party; did you actually seem him bite him on the ear?

Con. Smith: No.

Lawyer: Then how can you swear on oath that he did?

Con. Smith: Because I saw him spit it out.

 

Similar one -- lawyer is addressing a witness to a fight.

 

Lawyer: "But isn't it true, sir, that you were not an uninvolved bystander? You, too, were shot in the fracas?"

Witness: "No sir, I was shot midway between the navel and the fracas."

 

(Hope that's funnier than my last.)

[¼½¾]

F--- I was afraid of that. 

 

Yes, Depends are for adult incontinence.  I did a bit of googling and thought I saw them sold in the UK.

 

Sorry, not funny if you have to explain it.

Just to make it clear, I had to google what they were.

[narre]

A doctor asked a 75-year-old man to provide a sperm sample as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said: "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day, the man retunred to the doctor's office and handed over the jar, which was empty. When asked what happened, the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

"Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, then with both hands still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

"We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked!

"You asked your neighbour?"

The old man replied: "Yep, none of us could get the jar open.

[martoon]

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings.

After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob says, ?I?ll give you $800 to drop that towel that you have on.?

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds of staring, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves.

Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower, ?Who was that??

?It was Bob the next door neighbor,? she replies.

?Great!? the husband says, ?Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me??

  

A doctor asked a 75-year-old man to provide a sperm sample as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said: "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day, the man retunred to the doctor's office and handed over the jar, which was empty. When asked what happened, the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

"Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, then with both hands still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

"We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked!

"You asked your neighbour?"

The old man replied: "Yep, none of us could get the jar open.

superb

[Maple Leaf]

There was a baby born in the hospital and he weighed ten pounds. The odd thing about him was his body weighed five pounds and his testicles weighed the other five pounds. All the nurses and even the doctor didn't know what to do with him.

The chief surgeon walked in and asked what's wrong? The head nurse replied, ''We don't know what to do with this baby boy.''

So the chief surgeon took one look and said, "It's obvious that you should put him into a mental institution."

''Why?'' asked the head nurse.

"Well," replied the chief surgeon, "take a look at him. The boy is obviously half nuts."

[Morgan]

There was a baby born in the hospital and he weighed ten pounds. The odd thing about him was his body weighed five pounds and his testicles weighed the other five pounds. All the nurses and even the doctor didn't know what to do with him.

The chief surgeon walked in and asked what's wrong? The head nurse replied, ''We don't know what to do with this baby boy.''

So the chief surgeon took one look and said, "It's obvious that you should put him into a mental institution."

''Why?'' asked the head nurse.

"Well," replied the chief surgeon, "take a look at him. The boy is obviously half nuts."

[Maple Leaf]

OK, how about this one?

 

Prince William is being shown around a Scottish hospital. Towards the end of his visit, he is taken to a ward of people with no obvious signs of injury. He greets the first patient, and the chap replies:

"Fair fa' your honest sonsie face,

Great Chieftain e' the puddin' race !

Aboon them a' ye tak your place,

Painch, tripe, or thaim,

Weel are ye wordy o' a grace,

As lang's my arm."

 

William, being somewhat confused, just grins, moves on to the next patient and greets him. The patient fixes him with a steely glare & bawls:

"Some hae meat, and canna eat,

And some hae nane that want it,

But we hae meat and we can eat,

And sae the Lord be thankit."

 

Even more confused, but trying not to show it, William moves to the third patient who immediately begins to loudly declaim:

"Wee sleekit, cow'ring, tim'rous beastie,

O, what a panic's in thy breastie!

Thou need na start awa sae hasty,

Wi' bickering brattle!"

 

Alarmed, William turns to the doctor accompanying him and demands an explanation: "What sort of ward is this; a mental ward ?"

 

?No" , replies the doctor .... this is the Serious Burns Unit."

[King Of The Cat Cafe]

A rather prim young woman from Morningside qualifies as a teacher and gets sent for her first job to a rural school in the Highlands.

She is alarmed at the standard of English that the pupils use: counting from "wan", and so on.

One day she spots a young lad in the playground holding two lunch boxes.

Pointing to one, she says: "What's that for?"

The lad replies: "It's for nathan "

The teacher says: "How many time do I have to tell you, you should say nothing, not nathin ."

The lad says: "No Miss, you don't understand, it's for nathan , my brother Nathan."

[JWL]

Guy is driving along a country road with his wife and young daughter when he hears a bit of a thud.

Gets out the car and there's a wee bunny lying half dead in the middle of the road. His daughter gets out and immediately starts crying at the fate of the wee bunny.

'Don't worry sweetheart' says the dad 'she'll be okay'

So the dad goes to the car and brings out an aerosol can and sprays some substance all over the bunny.

Sure enough, in a couple of minutes, the bunny gets up, dusts itself down and begins to continue to cross the road.

However, every couple of steps it turns and looks the the little girl and gives a wee wave, another couple of steps and another wave, just before it reaches the grass verge on the other side of the road, another wee wave to the girl, finally, just as the bunny is about to disappear, one final wave.

They get back in the car and curiously the little girl asks ' Daddy, what did you give to the little bunny?'

He replied 'Hare restorer...........................with a permanent wave'

[Swanny17]

A rather prim young woman from Morningside qualifies as a teacher and gets sent for her first job to a rural school in the Highlands.

She is alarmed at the standard of English that the pupils use: counting from "wan", and so on.

One day she spots a young lad in the playground holding two lunch boxes.

Pointing to one, she says: "What's that for?"

The lad replies: "It's for nathan "

The teacher says: "How many time do I have to tell you, you should say nothing, not nathin ."

The lad says: "No Miss, you don't understand, it's for nathan , my brother Nathan."

I actually think this is the worst effort yet and that's going some. Really going some.

[Morgan]

OK, how about this one?

 

Prince William is being shown around a Scottish hospital. Towards the end of his visit, he is taken to a ward of people with no obvious signs of injury. He greets the first patient, and the chap replies:

"Fair fa' your honest sonsie face,

Great Chieftain e' the puddin' race !

Aboon them a' ye tak your place,

Painch, tripe, or thaim,

Weel are ye wordy o' a grace,

As lang's my arm."

William, being somewhat confused, just grins, moves on to the next patient and greets him. The patient fixes him with a steely glare & bawls:

"Some hae meat, and canna eat,

And some hae nane that want it,

But we hae meat and we can eat,

And sae the Lord be thankit."

Even more confused, but trying not to show it, William moves to the third patient who immediately begins to loudly declaim:

"Wee sleekit, cow'ring, tim'rous beastie,

O, what a panic's in thy breastie!

Thou need na start awa sae hasty,

Wi' bickering brattle!"

 

Alarmed, William turns to the doctor accompanying him and demands an explanation: "What sort of ward is this; a mental ward ?"

 

?No" , replies the doctor .... this is the Serious Burns Unit."

My father in law would have loved that one.

 

You've redeemed yourself!

[superjack]

A guy walks into the pub looking really sad. The barman asks him what he wants, a pint please he replies.

The barman then asks why he is so sad and the guy said"my wife and I got into a huge argument and she finished it by saying she won't speak to me for a whole year".

The barman asks whats wrong with That?

The guy replies "well the year is up tonight."

Edited June 17, 2017 by superjack

[¼½¾]

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I've got a piece of lettuce sticking out of my arse."  

The doctor tells him to drop his trousers,and he examines him.

The man asks, "Is it something serious Doctor?"

The doctor replies, "I'm sorry to have to tell you this, "That's just the tip of the iceberg."

[aussieh]

Wife walks in, and asks, "Does ma arse look big in this"

 

I said" Aye, now get it to feck oot the road, I'm missing the fitbaw"

 

 

 

 

 

 

It's not real life, I'm only joking, babe.

[RobNox]

A guy gets a job on a turkey farm.  The manager explains that his job is to extract sperm from the male turkeys that will be used to inseminate the females.  To do that, he will have to administer hand relief to the male turkeys.

 

The guy is not best pleased, but needs the job so agrees to do it.  One by one, the male turkeys are led along a conveyor belt, where the guy then gives a quick hand job, collecting the sperm in a jar.  Suddenly, he sees this massive, mean looking turkey appear.  As it approaches him, it says 'gobble'.  **** off says the guy, you're getting a wank like all the others.

[sairyinthat]

Eddie has been courting Sandra for a year and decides he will propose to her

Sandra accepts and confesses she has a problem since an illness left her breasts at the maturity of a 12 year old

Eddie says he will have no problem accepting that and in the interests of honesty tells her he to has a deformity

since he was born his penis is still the same size as a new born child,I understand says Sandra so there will be no need for surprise

Night of the Wedding passion is rising and Sandra undresses Eddie putting her hand down his pants she screams and starts to run

Eddie grabs her whats wrong That she says you said you had the Penis of a new born baby

I do said Eddie Eight pounds Seven ounces Nineteen inches long.

[I P Knightley]

I've switched to an iPhone and thought I'd give the voice recognition thing a try.

 

"Siri, is it likely to rain tomorrow?"

 

"Five percent chance of rain - and stop calling me Shirley."

 

Turns out I had it in Airplane mode.

[superjack]

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a fire fighters helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat. The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. That sure is a nice fire truck, the firefighter said with admiration. Thanks, the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.Little partner, the firefighter said, I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. The little girl replied thoughtfully, You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren!!..

[deesidejambo]

I've switched to an iPhone and thought I'd give the voice recognition thing a try.

 

"Siri, is it likely to rain tomorrow?"

 

"Five percent chance of rain - and stop calling me Shirley."

 

Turns out I had it in Airplane mode.

 

Made my day!

[samgolden]

Guy is driving along a country road with his wife and young daughter when he hears a bit of a thud.

Gets out the car and there's a wee bunny lying half dead in the middle of the road. His daughter gets out and immediately starts crying at the fate of the wee bunny.

'Don't worry sweetheart' says the dad 'she'll be okay'

So the dad goes to the car and brings out an aerosol can and sprays some substance all over the bunny.

Sure enough, in a couple of minutes, the bunny gets up, dusts itself down and begins to continue to cross the road.

However, every couple of steps it turns and looks the the little girl and gives a wee wave, another couple of steps and another wave, just before it reaches the grass verge on the other side of the road, another wee wave to the girl, finally, just as the bunny is about to disappear, one final wave.

They get back in the car and curiously the little girl asks ' Daddy, what did you give to the little bunny?'

He replied 'Hare restorer...........................with a permanent wave'

Better punch line Hare spray

Brings dead hares back to life with permanent wave

[superjack]

A German guy is going on holiday to france.

He reached passport control and the asked his name. Hans Gloeber.

Age. 31.

Occupation?

No, just visiting.

[Watt-Zeefuik]

A woman went to the pet store looking for a talking parrot. She was shocked at the prices and asked the salesperson if there were any discounted pets.  He said, "well, yes, we have one, but I'm not sure you want him."  

 

"No," she said, "I've wanted a talking parrot all my life, I'll take him."  With a worried look the salesman sold her the parrot.

 

She got the parrot home and took the hood off the cage.  The parrot immediately spoke up, saying, "f--- you, you c---, what took you so f---ing long to get that c---sucking cover off? And where the f--- is my food?"  

 

Appalled, she grabbed the kitchen sink hose and sprayed the parrot to try to teach it a lesson. "OH YOU CHLAMYDIA-INFESTED TW-- NOW I'M REALLY PISSED.  Go and do that again, I'll scratch you face so bad you'll be crying for weeks, but you're so s---ing ugly no one will notice!"

 

Getting really worried she grabbed the parrot out of the cage and dunked it in a bucket of water to try to calm it down. Coming up sputtering, the parrot yelled, "Go ahead and drown me you sack of puss, you couldn't scare me anymore than you did when I caught a glimpse of your thighs... And another thing. . ."

 

By this point the woman had gotten so mad she opened the freezer door and shoved the parrot in.  After a moment she got worried about actually having killed the parrot and opened the freezer up and took it out.  The parrot was shaking a bit, but swallowed, and turned to her and said, "pardon me, I think we've gotten off on the wrong foot. My name is Flint, what's your name?"

 

"Hellen," said the woman, pleasantly surprised, "thank you for asking. How are you?"

 

"I'm a bit wet," said the parrot, "but I'll be just fine in a moment."  The parrot paused with a worried look, then said, "If you don't mind, may I ask you just one question?"

 

"Certainly," said the woman, thrilled with how this was turning out, "what is it?"

 

"What exactly did the turkey say to you?"

[mrmarkus1981]

My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm. That's whey past my bedtime

 

Sent from my LG-H850 using Tapatalk

[¼½¾]

A woman went to the pet store looking for a talking parrot. She was shocked at the prices and asked the salesperson if there were any discounted pets.  He said, "well, yes, we have one, but I'm not sure you want him."  

 

"No," she said, "I've wanted a talking parrot all my life, I'll take him."  With a worried look the salesman sold her the parrot.

 

She got the parrot home and took the hood off the cage.  The parrot immediately spoke up, saying, "f--- you, you c---, what took you so f---ing long to get that c---sucking cover off? And where the f--- is my food?"  

 

Appalled, she grabbed the kitchen sink hose and sprayed the parrot to try to teach it a lesson. "OH YOU CHLAMYDIA-INFESTED TW-- NOW I'M REALLY PISSED.  Go and do that again, I'll scratch you face so bad you'll be crying for weeks, but you're so s---ing ugly no one will notice!"

 

Getting really worried she grabbed the parrot out of the cage and dunked it in a bucket of water to try to calm it down. Coming up sputtering, the parrot yelled, "Go ahead and drown me you sack of puss, you couldn't scare me anymore than you did when I caught a glimpse of your thighs... And another thing. . ."

 

By this point the woman had gotten so mad she opened the freezer door and shoved the parrot in.  After a moment she got worried about actually having killed the parrot and opened the freezer up and took it out.  The parrot was shaking a bit, but swallowed, and turned to her and said, "pardon me, I think we've gotten off on the wrong foot. My name is Flint, what's your name?"

 

"Hellen," said the woman, pleasantly surprised, "thank you for asking. How are you?"

 

"I'm a bit wet," said the parrot, "but I'll be just fine in a moment."  The parrot paused with a worried look, then said, "If you don't mind, may I ask you just one question?"

 

"Certainly," said the woman, thrilled with how this was turning out, "what is it?"

 

"What exactly did the turkey say to you?"

[Swanny17]

Started working in a wing mirror factory. I haven't looked back since.

[superjack]

My sister used to be married to a taxi driver, but he left with no indication.

[Morgan]

My sister used to be married to a taxi driver, but he left with no indication.

Batistuta will be all over that like a cheap suit.