ayeken Posted September 21, 2017 Share Posted September 21, 2017 "Anybody here named Jeff?" Jeff: "Yes"Geoff: "Yeos" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deesidejambo Posted September 21, 2017 Share Posted September 21, 2017 Bloke phones his work to say he can't come in today as he is sick. Boss asks how sick are you? Bloke replies "well at the moment i'm in bed with my disabled sister" Coffee hits monitor Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bauld Posted September 21, 2017 Share Posted September 21, 2017 Bloke phones his work to say he can't come in today as he is sick. Boss asks how sick are you? Bloke replies "well at the moment i'm in bed with my disabled sister" Classic. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cheetah Posted September 22, 2017 Share Posted September 22, 2017 Pulled this dyslexic burd in the pub last night, she took me home and cooked my sock. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted September 22, 2017 Share Posted September 22, 2017 My father died because he couldn't remember his blood type. He kept tell us to be positive but it's difficult without him. Joke of the week! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
@VladMagic Posted September 22, 2017 Share Posted September 22, 2017 Whats the difference between a female Hibs fan and a walrus? One has a moustache and smells of fish, the other ones a walrus. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted September 22, 2017 Share Posted September 22, 2017 Whats the difference between a female Hibs fan and a walrus? One has a moustache and smells of fish, the other ones a walrus. Brilliant!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bauld Posted September 22, 2017 Share Posted September 22, 2017 What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? Gurgle, gurgle, cough spew Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted September 22, 2017 Share Posted September 22, 2017 What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? Gurgle, gurgle, cough spew FFS Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bauld Posted September 23, 2017 Share Posted September 23, 2017 BREAKING NEWS Islamic terrorists are thought to be hiding bombs in hundreds of tins of alphabetti spaghetti. If they go off it could spell disaster. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted September 23, 2017 Share Posted September 23, 2017 BREAKING NEWS Islamic terrorists are thought to be hiding bombs in hundreds of tins of alphabetti spaghetti. If they go off it could spell disaster. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted September 23, 2017 Share Posted September 23, 2017 Native American is out in the roasting sun all day and gets sunburnt to buggery. Goes to see the witch doctor. Witch doctor tells him " only cure, wait until all are sleeping, sneak into your best friends teepee, slit his throat and boil him in pot over fire until you have a thick paste. Spread over body and next day - will be gone". Sure enough, he does what his told, wakes up the next day and the sunburn has gone. So goes to see the witch doctor and says " that really worked, what do you call it?" Doctor says " palomine lotion" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted September 23, 2017 Share Posted September 23, 2017 Native American is out in the roasting sun all day and gets sunburnt to buggery. Goes to see the witch doctor. Witch doctor tells him " only cure, wait until all are sleeping, sneak into your best friends teepee, slit his throat and boil him in pot over fire until you have a thick paste. Spread over body and next day - will be gone". Sure enough, he does what his told, wakes up the next day and the sunburn has gone. So goes to see the witch doctor and says " that really worked, what do you call it?" Doctor says " palomine lotion" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bauld Posted September 23, 2017 Share Posted September 23, 2017 I ****ed my missus froggy style last night. It's just like doggy style but you aim an inch higher and watch how high she leaps. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Gentleman Posted September 24, 2017 Share Posted September 24, 2017 I keep making racist jokes about my Dad and his Thai bride. He finds it really annoying...and so does my Dad. I actually know of a bloke that did exactly that. Had a wife and kids in Australia. Next thing I heard was they had divorced and he had buggered off to Thailand. Five years later he returns..........with a Thai 'Ladyboy' missus. Some folk are just pure weird. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iantjambo Posted September 24, 2017 Share Posted September 24, 2017 Joe phones his boss and says "Hi boss, I'm afraid I won't be into work today as I'm sick" His boss replies "For goodness sake Joe, that's the 3rd time this week. Exactly how sick are you?" "Well boss, at the moment I'm in bed with my 12 year old sister" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted September 24, 2017 Share Posted September 24, 2017 Bloke phones his work to say he can't come in today as he is sick. Boss asks how sick are you? Bloke replies "well at the moment i'm in bed with my disabled sister" Joe phones his boss and says "Hi boss, I'm afraid I won't be into work today as I'm sick" His boss replies "For goodness sake Joe, that's the 3rd time this week. Exactly how sick are you?" "Well boss, at the moment I'm in bed with my 12 year old sister" Thief Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iantjambo Posted September 24, 2017 Share Posted September 24, 2017 Thief Christ, how did I miss that Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted September 24, 2017 Share Posted September 24, 2017 Christ, how did I miss that Easy done mate Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
milky_26 Posted September 24, 2017 Share Posted September 24, 2017 Christ, how did I miss that i thought since you put the 3rd time in it, it was a sequel to the previous joke Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iantjambo Posted September 24, 2017 Share Posted September 24, 2017 i thought since you put the 3rd time in it, it was a sequel to the previous joke Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted September 24, 2017 Share Posted September 24, 2017 i thought since you put the 3rd time in it, it was a sequel to the previous joke Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted September 26, 2017 Share Posted September 26, 2017 I used to go out with a parachutist who suffered from IBS, but in the end I had to dump her, she shat on me from a great height. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Watt-Zeefuik Posted September 27, 2017 Share Posted September 27, 2017 I used to go out with a parachutist who suffered from IBS, but in the end I had to dump her, she shat on me from a great height. Just glad everything came out okay in the end. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deesidejambo Posted September 27, 2017 Share Posted September 27, 2017 Guys car breaks down. Winds the window down and asks a passer-by...... Hey Jimmy can you tell me the way to Motherwell? How did you know my name was Jimmy? I guessed. Well you can ****ing guess your way to Motherwell. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bauld Posted September 27, 2017 Share Posted September 27, 2017 What did Freddie Mercury and Colonel Gaddafi have in common? They both died after some fellas entered their sewage pipe. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted September 27, 2017 Share Posted September 27, 2017 What did Freddie Mercury and Colonel Gaddafi have in common? They both died after some fellas entered their sewage pipe. Don't give up the day job mate.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bauld Posted September 27, 2017 Share Posted September 27, 2017 Don't give up the day job mate.. I work nightshift so my day job is sleeping. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted September 27, 2017 Share Posted September 27, 2017 I work nightshift so my day job is sleeping. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bauld Posted September 27, 2017 Share Posted September 27, 2017 "What does Allahu Akbar actually mean?" I asked Muhammad at work today. "It has two meanings," he replied, "The first meaning is 'God is Great'". "And the second?" I asked "Run like ****!" Muhammad smiled. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted September 27, 2017 Share Posted September 27, 2017 Feck sake, Jack. That is shite.... Says Ken Goodwin. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
samgolden Posted September 27, 2017 Share Posted September 27, 2017 Micheal O'Leary, arrives in a hotel in Dublin, he goes to the bar and asks for a pint of draught Guinness. The barman nodded and said, "That will be one Euro please, Mr. O'Leary." Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replies, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money. "Well, we try to stay ahead of the competition," said the barman, "and we are serving free pints every Wednesday evening from 6 until 8 p.m. We have the cheapest beer in Ireland." "That is remarkable value," comments Michael. "I see you don't seem to have a glass, so you'll probably be needing one of ours. That will be 3 euros please." O'Leary scowled, but paid up. He took his drink and walked towards a seat. "Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra 2 euros. You could have pre-booked the seat, and it would have only cost you a Euro. Also, I think you may to be too big for the seat sir, can I ask you to sit in this frame please?" Michael attempts to sit in the frame but it is too small and when he can't squeeze in he complains, "Nobody would fit in that little frame". "I'm afraid if you can't fit in the frame you'll have to pay an extra surcharge of 4 euros for your seat sir." O'Leary was so annoyed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on the counter, and yelled, "This is ridiculous. I've had enough, What sort of bar is this? I come in for a quiet drink and you treat me like this. I insist on speaking to a manager!" "Here is his E-mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9 and 9.10 every morning, Monday to Tuesday by dialing this free phone number. Calls are free, until they are answered, then there is a talking charge of only 10 cents per second." "I will never use this bar again!" "OK sir, but remember, we are the only hotel in Ireland selling pints for one Euro." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King Of The Cat Cafe Posted September 27, 2017 Share Posted September 27, 2017 I was out with the dog today and saw a council worker walking down the street. Suddenly he turned around and went STAMP all over a poor, helpless snail. "Your cruel man", I said. "What did you do that for?" And he said: "He's been following me all day." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted September 27, 2017 Share Posted September 27, 2017 (edited) Feck sake, Jack. That is shite....Should have used a brolly then. Edited September 27, 2017 by superjack Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cairneyhill Jambo Posted September 27, 2017 Share Posted September 27, 2017 I was invited to a fancy dress party at my local pub so I dressed up as a tennis ball. I got served straight away. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cairneyhill Jambo Posted September 27, 2017 Share Posted September 27, 2017 My wife and I were shopping in Morrison's the other day and out of the blue she said "you really are a lazy *******" I nearly fell out the trolly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rab Mac52 Posted September 27, 2017 Share Posted September 27, 2017 Sleep in the Park Heart of Midlothian and Hibernian will come together on Saturday, December 9th for Sleep in the Park, the UK?s largest ever sleep out. Aberdeen FC have withdrawn after misreading the title. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tazio Posted September 27, 2017 Share Posted September 27, 2017 What do George Michael and welly boots have in common? They both get sucked off in bogs. Shame George died as it kind of spoils the joke nowadays. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
¼½¾ Posted September 27, 2017 Share Posted September 27, 2017 I found my first grey pubic hair today. I'll not be eating my granny's soup again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Neilson's Shank Posted September 28, 2017 Share Posted September 28, 2017 Sleep in the Park Heart of Midlothian and Hibernian will come together on Saturday, December 9th for Sleep in the Park, the UK?s largest ever sleep out. Aberdeen FC have withdrawn after misreading the title. Love it Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deesidejambo Posted September 28, 2017 Share Posted September 28, 2017 I was invited to a fancy dress party at my local pub so I dressed up as a tennis ball. I got served straight away. I went as a snooker ball. Got told to go to the end of the cue. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted September 28, 2017 Share Posted September 28, 2017 I found my first grey pubic hair today. I'll not be eating my granny's soup again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted September 28, 2017 Share Posted September 28, 2017 I went to one with my wife on my back. The host of the party asked what I had come as. I said "a snail and this is Michelle,,," Caracoles Jonno, caracoles. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted September 28, 2017 Share Posted September 28, 2017 My wife and I were shopping in Morrison's the other day and out of the blue she said "you really are a lazy *******" I nearly fell out the trolly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted September 28, 2017 Share Posted September 28, 2017 I went to a fancy dress wearing nothing but a glass bottle on my tadger. The bouncer asked what I had come as, I said a fire engine. He said "how the feck is that a fore engine? " I said "break the glass on my tadger, pull as hard as you can and I'll come as quick as I can." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted September 28, 2017 Share Posted September 28, 2017 Went to another fancy dress a week later wearing nothing but my y fronts. The bouncer what have you come as? I said "a premature ejaculation." Bouncer said "I can't go on stage and say this is superjack, he is a premature ejaculation. " I said " just say I've come in my pants." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
¼½¾ Posted September 28, 2017 Share Posted September 28, 2017 I was going to a fancy dress party as a sweetie shop owner, and tried on my outfit. I walked into the livingroom and my wife said `give me a twirl'. Christ, I thought, this outfit must be really convincing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted September 30, 2017 Share Posted September 30, 2017 What's the hardest thing about pumping a blind woman? Getting her husband's voice just right. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted September 30, 2017 Share Posted September 30, 2017 The new craze in Yorkshire is to inject ecstasy into the flesh inside the mouth. E by Gum Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sairyinthat Posted September 30, 2017 Share Posted September 30, 2017 (edited) Older guy is talking to the family doctor tells him he is concerned his wife is going deaf. the doctor suggests he tests her by speaking normally to her and keeps reducing the distance until he gets heard by her. returning home he is at the kitchen door and asks what's for tea dear? silence so moves closer and asks again,silence Standing right behind her he asks again what's for tea dear. For the third time Chicken. Edited September 30, 2017 by sairyinthat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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