lauriesrank Posted October 21, 2016 Share Posted October 21, 2016 Two blondes in a bar 'get us ten shots!' they exclaim. 'You celebrating something?' I ask 'We just finished a jigsaw, it's taken us 6 months!' 'oh, surely that's not reason to celebrate?' 'Of course it is! It said on the box 2-4 years!' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iantjambo Posted October 21, 2016 Share Posted October 21, 2016 An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinian, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahamian, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans, walk into a very fine restaurant. After scrutinizing the group, the Maitre D says, "I'm sorry...... You can't come in here without a Thai. " Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tazio Posted October 22, 2016 Share Posted October 22, 2016 My wife has just left me for her tennis coach. Love means nothing to her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
¼½¾ Posted October 22, 2016 Share Posted October 22, 2016 Touching cloth, while in Morningside the other day, I nipped into the public toilets on Canaan Lane.The first cubicle was locked, so I went into the one next to it, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down.A voice came from the cubicle next to me: 'Hello mate, how are you doing?'Although I thought that it was a bit strange, I didn't want to be rude, so I replied 'Not too bad thanks.'After a short pause, I heard the voice again 'So, what are you up to?'Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly, 'Just having a quick shit... How about yourself?'The next thing I heard him say was 'sorry mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got some xxxx in the cubicle next to me answering everything I say.' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted October 22, 2016 Share Posted October 22, 2016 Touching cloth, while in Morningside the other day, I nipped into the public toilets on Canaan Lane.The first cubicle was locked, so I went into the one next to it, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down.A voice came from the cubicle next to me: 'Hello mate, how are you doing?'Although I thought that it was a bit strange, I didn't want to be rude, so I replied 'Not too bad thanks.'After a short pause, I heard the voice again 'So, what are you up to?'Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly, 'Just having a quick shit... How about yourself?'The next thing I heard him say was 'sorry mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got some xxxx in the cubicle next to me answering everything I say.' Morningside you say? Interesting. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted October 22, 2016 Share Posted October 22, 2016 I took my new girlfriend home to meet my parents. We had a lovely evening and, after she'd gone, my dad leaned over and said, "Son, I think this one's a keeper." "Awww dad, what makes you say that?" "She smells of elephant shit." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckyBatistuta Posted October 22, 2016 Share Posted October 22, 2016 Touching cloth, while in Morningside the other day, I nipped into the public toilets on Canaan Lane.The first cubicle was locked, so I went into the one next to it, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down.A voice came from the cubicle next to me: 'Hello mate, how are you doing?'Although I thought that it was a bit strange, I didn't want to be rude, so I replied 'Not too bad thanks.'After a short pause, I heard the voice again 'So, what are you up to?'Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly, 'Just having a quick shit... How about yourself?'The next thing I heard him say was 'sorry mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got some xxxx in the cubicle next to me answering everything I say.' Morningside you say? Interesting. Never heard anybody in Morningside use a bad word like that...NEVER!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted October 22, 2016 Share Posted October 22, 2016 Never heard anybody in Morningside use a bad word like that...NEVER!!! I have. Me. Last Monday night. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckyBatistuta Posted October 22, 2016 Share Posted October 22, 2016 I have. Me. Last Monday night. That's why you were run out of Morningside Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stuart Lyon Posted October 22, 2016 Share Posted October 22, 2016 Lemongrab they toilets are shut and have been for a wee while! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
¼½¾ Posted October 22, 2016 Share Posted October 22, 2016 Lemongrab they toilets are shut and have been for a wee while! What bogs do you recommend in the area, the Canny Man's or the Merlin? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dawnrazor Posted October 22, 2016 Share Posted October 22, 2016 Lemongrab they toilets are shut and have been for a wee while! I see what you did there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lauriesrank Posted October 23, 2016 Share Posted October 23, 2016 Genuinely just made this one up: What do you call a verbose superhero....... Chatman! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unknown user Posted October 23, 2016 Author Share Posted October 23, 2016 Genuinely just made this one up: What do you call a verbose superhero....... Chatman! What do you call an incontinent superhero? Shatman Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lauriesrank Posted October 23, 2016 Share Posted October 23, 2016 What do you call an incontinent superhero? Shatman What do you do if you see a fireman?.... put it oot man Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted October 23, 2016 Share Posted October 23, 2016 There was a weed in my garden with trumpets growing on it. I rooted it oot. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rab Posted October 23, 2016 Share Posted October 23, 2016 What's Bruce Lee's favourite drink? Wa-tah! What do you call a flying skunk? A smellicopter. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unknown user Posted October 23, 2016 Author Share Posted October 23, 2016 There was a weed in my garden with trumpets growing on it. I rooted it oot. please see post #1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted October 23, 2016 Share Posted October 23, 2016 please see post #1 Sheesh! You don't expect me to go all the way back there, do you? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unknown user Posted October 23, 2016 Author Share Posted October 23, 2016 Sheesh! You don't expect me to go all the way back there, do you? I'm impressed it took 903 shite jokes to go full brown circle Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted October 23, 2016 Share Posted October 23, 2016 What do you get if you cross a sheep with a kangaroo? A wooly jumper. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted October 25, 2016 Share Posted October 25, 2016 Doctor doctor, I feel like a coconut. Your bounty Sent from my LG-H850 using Tapatalk A mate had a Great Dane dog which he called Bounty because folk would say, "Wouldja look at the ****** on 'at dog!" I've got a new recipe for digestive biscuits which includes a sprinkling of Viagra. When you dunk the biscuit in your coffee, it doesn't go droopy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mrmarkus1981 Posted October 25, 2016 Share Posted October 25, 2016 A flying insect just flew into my kitchen and exploded. I think it was a Jihaddy long legs! Sent from my LG-H850 using Tapatalk Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dalkeithjambo Posted October 25, 2016 Share Posted October 25, 2016 I've been a bit skint in the run up to Halloween so I've taken another job with my mate. We're making plastic Dracula's. I'm literally making every second Count Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pans Jambo Posted October 25, 2016 Share Posted October 25, 2016 A flying insect just flew into my kitchen and exploded. I think it was a Jihaddy long legs! Sent from my LG-H850 using Tapatalk I actually laughed at that one Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted October 25, 2016 Share Posted October 25, 2016 My wife's been trying to find the perfect fitting tampon for years. She's finally given up; thrown the towel in. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckyBatistuta Posted October 25, 2016 Share Posted October 25, 2016 I bought a ceiling fan the other day. Complete waste of money. He just stands there applauding and saying "Ooh, I love how smooth it is." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckyBatistuta Posted October 25, 2016 Share Posted October 25, 2016 How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to change it, and the other to hold the penis. LADDER. I MEANT LADDER! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted November 1, 2016 Share Posted November 1, 2016 What's black and doesn't work? Decaffeinated coffee Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sairyinthat Posted November 26, 2016 Share Posted November 26, 2016 Businessman boards plane to America,sees this stunner boarding and taking the seat next to him.Oh yeah he thinks what a beauty,business trip or pleasure he asks?I am on my way to New York to a nymphomaniacs convention,he gulps this beauty is going to a nymphomaniacs convention and is sitting beside me **** yeah.Oh and what's your business at this convention.Lecturer I use my experience to debunk popular myths about sexuality.Really and what are these myths? Well one is that African American men are the best endowed but in fact it is the American Indian who is,another is that the French man is the best lover when in fact it is the Greek man who is.We have also found that it is the Irish man who is the best in All categories She suddenly blushes and say's I'm sorry I shouldn't be discussing this with you I don't even know your name, TonTo say's the man Tonto Papadopoulos but my friends call me Paddy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sairyinthat Posted November 26, 2016 Share Posted November 26, 2016 Pair of Ninety year olds decide to go to the knocking shop one last time while the can. What can I do for you lads? We want to have sex for the last time before we croak it, The madam thinks I can't give them my good girls so I'll give the a dim room and a blow up doll. Later they met back at the car,how was it for you one asked? I thought she was dead she hardly moved and groan but okay he said.You? Mine was a Witch I think. A Witch what makes you think that? Well when I bit her she farted and flew out the window. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sairyinthat Posted November 26, 2016 Share Posted November 26, 2016 Yank has a massive heart attack while shopping,shop calls 911 and he wakes up day's later in a hospital with a nun at his bedside with a pen and a bundle of forms. You are in St Saviour Catholic hospital and have had an emergency heart bypass operation. Do you have Health insurance? He replied No health insurance, Do you have money in the bank? No money in the bank. Do you have a relative who can help with payment for your treatment? He said I only have a Spinster Sister and she is a Nun The agitated Nun said loudly there are No Spinster Nuns. Nuns are married to God. Perfect said the patient send the bill to my Brother In Law. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sairyinthat Posted November 26, 2016 Share Posted November 26, 2016 Guy went to visit his daughter and husband, when he arrived his son in law was packing a suitcase to leave,what's happening he asked the son in law. I texted her to put my golf gear ready for me as I got a cancellation and an earlier tee off time.She was making out with my mate Eddie when I arrived home,I'm leaving her.he said Hold on a minute there must be a simple explanation for this I'll go and speak to her and find out. He comes back in less than a minute I told you there was a simple explanation he said She did not get the Text. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted November 26, 2016 Share Posted November 26, 2016 Sairyin is on a roll! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unknown user Posted November 26, 2016 Author Share Posted November 26, 2016 What's black and doesn't work? Decaffeinated coffee What's blue and doesn't work? A dead builder Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted November 26, 2016 Share Posted November 26, 2016 Paddy takes his goldfish to the vet and says he thinks it's got epilepsy. Doc says it looks perfectly fine to him. Paddy replies, 'I've not taken it out the water yet'. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Armageddon Posted November 30, 2016 Share Posted November 30, 2016 So so sorry JKB - MODS I accept the Warning points coming my way. Please forgive me: A couple of years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let' just say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.Joseph had gotten big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriendApparently they'd bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together , left me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could.In conclusion, if it hadn't been for cotton eye Joe, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pans Jambo Posted November 30, 2016 Share Posted November 30, 2016 So so sorry JKB - MODS I accept the Warning points coming my way. Please forgive me: A couple of years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let' just say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries. Joseph had gotten big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend Apparently they'd bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together , left me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could. In conclusion, if it hadn't been for cotton eye Joe, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe? Just Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stuart Lyon Posted December 1, 2016 Share Posted December 1, 2016 Good one Pans Jambo! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rudi must stay Posted December 1, 2016 Share Posted December 1, 2016 How many spaniards does it take to change a lightbulb? Just Juan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trotter Posted December 1, 2016 Share Posted December 1, 2016 Did you know you can tell the sex of an ant by throwing it in water?If it sinks, its a girl any If it floats, its a buoyant Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Locky Posted December 1, 2016 Share Posted December 1, 2016 So so sorry JKB - MODS I accept the Warning points coming my way. Please forgive me: A couple of years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let' just say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries. Joseph had gotten big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend Apparently they'd bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together , left me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could. In conclusion, if it hadn't been for cotton eye Joe, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe? The ultimate shite joke. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sidsnot Posted December 1, 2016 Share Posted December 1, 2016 I had to use my discount card to scrape the frost off my car windscreen. I only got 20% off. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sidsnot Posted December 1, 2016 Share Posted December 1, 2016 Boris the Russian student buys a computer. Switches it on,computer asks him to type in a password.. Boris types in 'Stew' Computer replies. ' not stroganoff.' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sidsnot Posted December 1, 2016 Share Posted December 1, 2016 Murphy "You've a nice couple of goldfish there Paddy. What are their names?" Paddy "I've called them, One and Two". Murphy "Why is that then Paddy?" Paddy "Coz if One dies, I've still got Two". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sidsnot Posted December 1, 2016 Share Posted December 1, 2016 Scientists have discovered Dolphins make similar noises to other marine mammals. So their calls may be recorded for training porpoises. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sidsnot Posted December 1, 2016 Share Posted December 1, 2016 "Is that the Edinburgh Evening News"asks Hamish. "How much would it be to put an advert in your paper?" "Five pounds an inch," a woman replies. "Why? What are you selling?" "A ten-foot ladder," said Hamish before slamming the phone down. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Swanny17 Posted December 1, 2016 Share Posted December 1, 2016 "Do not touch" must be one of the scariest things to read in Braille. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dawnrazor Posted December 1, 2016 Share Posted December 1, 2016 "Do not touch" must be one of the scariest things to read in Braille. Very good. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted December 1, 2016 Share Posted December 1, 2016 "Do not touch" must be one of the scariest things to read in Braille. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.