Swanny17 Posted December 2, 2016 Share Posted December 2, 2016 Found a suitcase in the woods today, inside was a fox & 4 cubs. So, I rang the RSPCA, they asked "Are they moving?" "Not sure"I said "but It'd explain the suitcase..." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rudi must stay Posted December 2, 2016 Share Posted December 2, 2016 Why is a broken drum the best Christmas present? You can't beat it Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Illustrious Posted December 2, 2016 Share Posted December 2, 2016 Scientists have discovered Dolphins make similar noises to other marine mammals. So their calls may be recorded for training porpoises. I found that inexplicably funny! Think I need to go to bed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckyBatistuta Posted December 3, 2016 Share Posted December 3, 2016 Scientists have discovered Dolphins make similar noises to other marine mammals. So their calls may be recorded for training porpoises. Brilliant "Do not touch" must be one of the scariest things to read in Braille.Just shouldn't laugh, but Did you hear about the paper that died? RIP Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unknown user Posted December 3, 2016 Author Share Posted December 3, 2016 an upturn in quality recently! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted December 3, 2016 Share Posted December 3, 2016 Brilliant Just shouldn't laugh, but Did you hear about the paper that died? RIP Not too shabby for 05.46 in the morning! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckyBatistuta Posted December 3, 2016 Share Posted December 3, 2016 Not too shabby for 05.46 in the morning! Should have been in my bed Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted December 3, 2016 Share Posted December 3, 2016 Should have been in my bed So,who's bed WERE you in? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sairyinthat Posted December 4, 2016 Share Posted December 4, 2016 Three old guys in a care home discussing the worst age to be. Sixty says one stand for ages waiting on a piss that is a couple of drips when it does. Seventy says another go for a crap,can take hours and it's agony thanks to the constipation. Eighty the Third says Six am piss like a horse on a flat rock no problem.Six thirty am have a crap like a rail wagon coupling slips out smoothly. What says the other Two? How can Eighty be the worst age too be. I don't waken till Seven am.he says. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sairyinthat Posted December 4, 2016 Share Posted December 4, 2016 Irish couple living in Dublin,it's Winter the radio is on when it is interrupted with a warning of Six inches of snow expected and car owners should move there car to the odd numbered side of the street so the snowplough can clear the streets.The wife goes out and puts the car on the odd numbered side of the street. Couple of days later radio interrupted again and this time put the car on the even number side,wife duly obliges. Few days later interruption again to radio heavy snow due move your cars to the-- -- Power cut Oh no the wife says I don't know what side to put the car. Husband says why don't you just leave it in the garage. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted December 4, 2016 Share Posted December 4, 2016 it's that cold in scotland now, i actually seen a glaswegian with his hands in his own pockets Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jb102 Posted December 4, 2016 Share Posted December 4, 2016 I had a little blood in my poo. So i said "hey bruv! get out my toilet innit." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
willie wallace Posted December 4, 2016 Share Posted December 4, 2016 Found a suitcase in the woods today, inside was a fox & 4 cubs. So, I rang the RSPCA, they asked "Are they moving?" "Not sure"I said "but It'd explain the suitcase..." Took a couple of reads but i like it Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aussieh Posted December 5, 2016 Share Posted December 5, 2016 (edited) What's orange and sounds like parrot? Carrot. How'd you catch a rabbit? Lie in the long grass and make carrot noises. Did you hear about the carrot that died? There was a big turnip at the funeral. Did you hear about the magician that couldn't pull a rabbit out his hat, so he pulled a hair out his arse. Edited December 5, 2016 by aussieh Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aussieh Posted December 5, 2016 Share Posted December 5, 2016 "Do not touch" must be one of the scariest things to read in Braille.Spotted dick Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted December 7, 2016 Share Posted December 7, 2016 (edited) In the Morayshire countryside, a man enters the little known Catholic Church in Burghead , and at confessional says to the Priest, "Faither, it has been one month since my last confession, and I've sinned wi' Fannie Reid every wik for the past month." The Priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Marys." Soon, another loon enters the confessional... "Faither, it has been twa months since my last confession. I have sinned wi' Fannie Reid twice a week for the past twa months." This time the Priest asks, "Fa is this Fannie Reid?" ?A new lassie in the neighbourhood, I think she's fae Portknockie and she's affa, affa bonny ! In fact, she looks a wee bit like Judy Garland in the Wizard of Oz" the sinner replies. "Very well," says the Priest. "Go and say ten Hail Marys." The next morning in church, the Priest is preparing to deliver his sermon, when a beautiful woman, looking a little bit like Judy Garland, with a tiny dog a little bit like Toto enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her as she goes up the aisle, and sits down in front of the Altar.Her dress is very short, and she is wearing shiny ruby red shoes. The Priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style. The Priest turns to the altar boy and asks in a whisper, "Is that Fannie Reid?" The altar boy replies ... .............. "A dinna think so Faither, a think it's jist the reflection fae her shoes! Edited December 7, 2016 by superjack Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mollo Posted December 7, 2016 Share Posted December 7, 2016 Why did the blind woman fall down the well? She couldn't see that well Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
robroy1874 Posted December 7, 2016 Share Posted December 7, 2016 My life was in tatters because of my obsession with the Hokey-Cokey. But I turned myself around and that's what it's all about! Sadly, I chuckled at that one Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unknown user Posted December 7, 2016 Author Share Posted December 7, 2016 What's orange and sounds like parrot? Carrot. How'd you catch a rabbit? Lie in the long grass and make carrot noises. Did you hear about the carrot that died? There was a big turnip at the funeral. Did you hear about the magician that couldn't pull a rabbit out his hat, so he pulled a hair out his arse. What's brown and sticky? A stick Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted December 7, 2016 Share Posted December 7, 2016 ..."A dinna think so Faither, a think it's jist the reflection fae her shoes! I remember a version of this from my schooldays when the lady in question was a dancer and her surname was Green. (It was just the lights). Nonetheless, I read your version from start to finish and enjoyed it thoroughly; only realising the similarity at the second last line! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted December 7, 2016 Share Posted December 7, 2016 My Glaswegian mate has just got his kids a trampoline and bikes from the internet. I asked him what site he used and he said Google Earth. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted December 7, 2016 Share Posted December 7, 2016 What's brown and sticky? A stick What's black, white and red and cannae turn around in a lift? A nun with a spear through her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GlasgoJambo Posted December 7, 2016 Share Posted December 7, 2016 Found a suitcase in the woods today, inside was a fox & 4 cubs. So, I rang the RSPCA, they asked "Are they moving?" "Not sure"I said "but It'd explain the suitcase..." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aussieh Posted December 8, 2016 Share Posted December 8, 2016 What's black, white and red and cannae turn around in a lift? A nun with a spear through her. What's pink and hard? A pig with a flick knife. What's green and sits on a wall? Humpty frog. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aussieh Posted December 8, 2016 Share Posted December 8, 2016 What's brown and sticky? A stick What's green and spongy? A green sponge. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aussieh Posted December 8, 2016 Share Posted December 8, 2016 What's blue and fecks Grannies? Hyperthermia. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aussieh Posted December 8, 2016 Share Posted December 8, 2016 What's the definition of frustration? A one armed bandit hanging from cliff with itchy baws. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aussieh Posted December 8, 2016 Share Posted December 8, 2016 Would anyone like free booze? Boo boo boo! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Real Maroonblood Posted December 8, 2016 Share Posted December 8, 2016 What's the longest hair in your body? The one in your arse because if you pull it your eyes will water. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aussieh Posted December 8, 2016 Share Posted December 8, 2016 What's white and wears a tartan scarf? Rupert the fridge. What's white and blue and wears a tartan scarf? Rupert the fridge with a denim jacket on. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unknown user Posted December 8, 2016 Author Share Posted December 8, 2016 What's the difference between your freezer and your wife? Your freezer doesn't fart when you take the meat out And what do they have in common? They both drip when they're ****ed Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted December 8, 2016 Share Posted December 8, 2016 What's the difference between your freezer and your wife? Your freezer doesn't fart when you take the meat out And what do they have in common? They both drip when they're ****ed Not saying my wife is frigid but when she opens her legs a feckin light comes on. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted December 8, 2016 Share Posted December 8, 2016 What is the difference between your bonus and your penis ? Your wife is guaranteed to blow your bonus..... You talkin' to me? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted December 8, 2016 Share Posted December 8, 2016 Christ on a bike. Aye, old Jesus had more chance of a Joe McBride than me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sawdust Caesar Posted December 8, 2016 Share Posted December 8, 2016 What's green and flies through walls? Casper the friendly cooking apple. Why was the sand wet? The sea weed. A pancake, a fried egg, and a strip of bacon walk into a bar. The barman looks up and says,"Sorry, we don't serve breakfast." What does a philosophical dolphin think about?What is my porpoise? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aussieh Posted December 8, 2016 Share Posted December 8, 2016 (edited) A sausage and an egg in a frying pan, the egg says to the sausage"ffs it's hot in here" the sausage says"ffs a talking egg" Probably already telt this Edited December 8, 2016 by aussieh Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jb102 Posted December 13, 2016 Share Posted December 13, 2016 What do Dundee and Las Vegas have in common ? They are the only two cities in the world where you can exchange chips for sex. Make sure you credit Tam Cowan. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckyBatistuta Posted December 13, 2016 Share Posted December 13, 2016 What do Dundee and Las Vegas have in common ? They are the only two cities in the world where you can exchange chips for sex. got to try and remember this Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckyBatistuta Posted December 13, 2016 Share Posted December 13, 2016 Husband to wife at mother in laws funeral : "Great day for the race eh ?" Wife to Hubby : "What race ?" Hubby : "The human race" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckyBatistuta Posted December 13, 2016 Share Posted December 13, 2016 I was having dinner at my mother in laws house with my wife. My mother in law asked me "How many potatoes would you like?". I said "Ooh, I'll just have one please". She said "It's OK, you don't have to be polite" "Alright" I said "I'll just have one then, you stupid cow" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckyBatistuta Posted December 13, 2016 Share Posted December 13, 2016 I bought the missus some crotchless knickers for her birthday! Nothing sexual in mind, they're just to give her a better grip on her broomstick ! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LeylandJambo Posted December 14, 2016 Share Posted December 14, 2016 What's white and wears a tartan scarf? Rupert the fridge. What's white and blue and wears a tartan scarf? Rupert the fridge with a denim jacket on. What's white and swings through the jungle? A fridge. How did tarzan die? He was hit by a fridge. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aussieh Posted December 14, 2016 Share Posted December 14, 2016 What's white and swings through the jungle? A fridge. How did tarzan die? He was hit by a fridge. What's red n white and plays tunes through the jungle? A lost icecream van. What's red n white and goes nee, naw, nee, naw through a field? Little beau/bo fire engine. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LeylandJambo Posted December 14, 2016 Share Posted December 14, 2016 What's red n white and plays tunes through the jungle? A lost icecream van. What's red n white and goes nee, naw, nee, naw through a field? Little beau/bo fire engine. Why did the koala bear fall out the tree? Cause it was dead. Why did the 2nd koala fall out the tree? Cause it thought he was having a race. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LeylandJambo Posted December 14, 2016 Share Posted December 14, 2016 What's brown,red and squishy between an elephants toes? Slow natives Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ryan Jarman Posted December 14, 2016 Share Posted December 14, 2016 What's green and has wheels? Grass, I lied about the wheels Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sidsnot Posted December 14, 2016 Share Posted December 14, 2016 How does an Eskimo mend a broken window? Igloos it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bauld Posted December 14, 2016 Share Posted December 14, 2016 Love is blind God is love God is blind Stevie Wonder is blind Stevie Wonder is God I am nobody Nobody is perfect I am perfect God is perfect I am god! God is Stevie Wonder I AM STEVIE WONDER... **** I'm blind! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sidsnot Posted December 14, 2016 Share Posted December 14, 2016 Time for bed, Sid. These jokes are absolute keech ! Actually the porpoise one made me feckin laugh out loud there so I take it back! Actually,I'm nicking all these jokes on JKB to fill up my new book called 'Sidsnot's Book of world famous jokes.'At the moment,I have 27,528 jokes typed out and once I get to 30k then it goes to print. Once I'm a millionaire I will send everyone on JKB a postcard from Hawaii where I will be smoking a huge Havana cigar,surrounded by a dozen or so beautiful dolly burdz who will feed me with coconuts and grapes,cuddle me,tickle my tootsies and then take me to bed where they will indulge in all sorts of......'Sid,Sid,wake up,you're having another dream.' Aw,shit!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King Of The Cat Cafe Posted December 14, 2016 Share Posted December 14, 2016 A guy walks into a store for some last-minute Christmas shopping, and sees a parrot for sale. He asks the clerk what the parrot's name is and the clerk tells him it's Chet. He also tells the man that this is one amazing parrot. If you put a match under his left foot, it sings ?Jingle Bells,? and if you put a match under its left foot, it sings ?Deck the Halls.? The man thinks that is the coolest thing he's ever seen, so he decides to buy it for his wife. So he gets home, and puts it away. Then he wonders what will happen if he puts it a match between its legs, so he tries it, and the parrot starts singing ?Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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