Bauld Posted August 16, 2016 Share Posted August 16, 2016 A guy walked into a local bar, waving his unholstered pistol and yelled, ?I have a 45 caliber Colt 1911 with a seven round magazine plus one in the chamber and I want to know who?s been sleeping with my wife.? A voice from the back of the room called out, ?You need more ammo!? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ulysses Posted August 16, 2016 Share Posted August 16, 2016 What would you call Postman Pat if he was made redundant? Pat. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aussieh Posted August 17, 2016 Share Posted August 17, 2016 I woke up the wife this morning and said " Can I smell your fannny" She said" NO, you certainly cannot" So I said"Well, it must be your feet ,then" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted August 17, 2016 Share Posted August 17, 2016 A guy walked into a local bar, waving his unholstered pistol and yelled, ?I have a 45 caliber Colt 1911 with a seven round magazine plus one in the chamber and I want to know who?s been sleeping with my wife.? A voice from the back of the room called out, ?You need more ammo!? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
joseywales Posted August 17, 2016 Share Posted August 17, 2016 A husband asks wife what do you want for your birthday? his wife says a divorce and the husband replies I wasn't intending to spend that much. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
joseywales Posted August 17, 2016 Share Posted August 17, 2016 A prisoner says to the prison guard it's freezing in here The prison guard says ok i will put another bar on. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unknown user Posted August 17, 2016 Author Share Posted August 17, 2016 Did you hear the one about the gay Outlaw? He rode into town and shot up the sheriff. (I hope that one is allowed). Gay guy walks into a butcher's, "can I have a mince round?" "Aye on you go" says the butcher Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ryan Jarman Posted August 19, 2016 Share Posted August 19, 2016 A big cat escaped at the Zoo yesterday. If I saw that, I'd puma pants. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sawdust Caesar Posted August 19, 2016 Share Posted August 19, 2016 Two gay men sitting at the bar, one turns to the other and says "Can I push your stool in?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
@VladMagic Posted August 19, 2016 Share Posted August 19, 2016 (edited) Mate of mine Dan is totally into his tractors. Always has been ever since he was a kid. Used to bring toy tractors into school with him and had tractor duvets n pillows. Dan always was mad on tractors. Its always been a lifelong ambition of his to actually OWN a tractor so a few years ago with kids fleeing the nest he was in position to buy one. So with his stash of 30 grand he went off to the tractor auctions to buy one. He's there nice and early walking round the lots and spots a nearly brand new blue on. In budget so he waits for the lot to come up and starts bidding. Couple of farmers also showing interest. 15 grand, 18 grand. He bids 20 grand, 22 grand, 28 up it goes then the farmer bids 30 grand! "AH well" he says to himself "I'l get the next one" Carries on walking round for a bit and spots a lovely green one. Bit older, few miles on it the bidding starts. 14 grand, 16 grand, he bids 18 grand. Up it goes till this other bloke "30 grand". Now he's a bit miffed at this point. Getting a bit late in the day still no tractor!! Heads down to the last lot of the day. Clapped out yellow thing with star ship miles, bald tyres bidding starts. 8 grand, 10, 14, 18 he bids 22 grand! Up and up he bids his 30 grand!!! Punter next to him bids 31 grand and wins it. He's mad. He's furious. He's seriously pissed off with bloody tractors. Had enough of them. Goes home and bins all his tractor magazines, his model tractors, chucks out everything had had collected to do with tractors. Heads off to the pub to drown his sorrows. Walks into the pub and orders a beer but theres 3 American chaps relaxing after a game of golf and they are smoking cigars. The room is covered in think smelly cigar smoke. People with eyes watering struggling for breath from all the smoke. "I'l sort this out he says to himself" Puts down his point and stands in the middle of the bar. Puts his lips together and starts to suck. In one deep breath all the cigar smoke disappears into his lungs. He opens the door and blows emptying the contents of the smoke in the bar to the outside. Walks back in picks up his pint and carries on drinking much to the enjoyment of all the punters in the bar. "How the hell did you do that" says the barman in disbelief! Mate says "I'm an ex tractor fan" Edited August 19, 2016 by VladMagic Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iantjambo Posted August 25, 2016 Share Posted August 25, 2016 I was in Asda with the wife today when completely out of the blue she said "You know something? You really are a lazy **** " I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rudi must stay Posted August 25, 2016 Share Posted August 25, 2016 (edited) What do you call cheese that's not yours? Nacho cheese Edited August 25, 2016 by rudi must stay Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fxxx the SPFL Posted August 25, 2016 Share Posted August 25, 2016 (edited) I am 59 years old but my willy is only 21 years old. I always thought about using that at an open mike slot at the stand. Edited August 25, 2016 by Ray the auld git Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Watt-Zeefuik Posted August 25, 2016 Share Posted August 25, 2016 Apologies, this one is in really poor taste. The man came home to find his girlfriend crying and packing her suitcase. "What's wrong, dear?" he said. "I found out something horrible about you today. I found out you were a paedophile." "Paedophile? Paedophile!?! That's an awfully big word for a 13 year old!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fourcandles Posted August 25, 2016 Share Posted August 25, 2016 Apologies, this one is in really poor taste. The man came home to find his girlfriend crying and packing her suitcase. "What's wrong, dear?" he said. "I found out something horrible about you today. I found out you were a paedophile." "Paedophile? Paedophile!?! That's an awfully big word for a 13 year old!" I'm surprised at you UA. You'll go to hell for that.!!! . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fourcandles Posted August 25, 2016 Share Posted August 25, 2016 I'm surprised at you UA. You'll go to hell for that.!!! . Though I suppose in biblical terms Abraham was a pedometer I suppose.... . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bauld Posted August 25, 2016 Share Posted August 25, 2016 Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 at me earlier, but it's okay. I only have super fish oil injuries. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted August 25, 2016 Share Posted August 25, 2016 I am 59 years old but my willy is only 21 years old. I always thought about using that at an open mike slot at the stand. This has been edited but still makes no sense to me Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
martoon Posted August 25, 2016 Share Posted August 25, 2016 Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 at me earlier, but it's okay. I only have super fish oil injuries. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iantjambo Posted August 26, 2016 Share Posted August 26, 2016 This has been edited but still makes no sense to me I'm glad I'm not the only one Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DETTY29 Posted August 26, 2016 Share Posted August 26, 2016 I'm glad I'm not the only one Sex change? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RobboM Posted August 26, 2016 Share Posted August 26, 2016 I'm glad I'm not the only one His son, Willy? I thought it was funny Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unknown user Posted August 26, 2016 Author Share Posted August 26, 2016 His son, Willy? I thought it was funny Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah!That IS funny! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted August 27, 2016 Share Posted August 27, 2016 His son, Willy? I thought it was funny Aaah! So it was Ethel out of Eastenders! I'm 55 years old but my pussy is only 14. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted August 27, 2016 Share Posted August 27, 2016 A guy just threw milk and cheese at me. How dairy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trotter Posted August 27, 2016 Share Posted August 27, 2016 Girl I know got rushed to A&E after sustaining injuries during a sexual encounter with a horse. Doctors have described her condition as 'stable' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Radio Ga Ga Posted August 28, 2016 Share Posted August 28, 2016 Hear about the homosexual astronaut? He was last seen heading for Uranus Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Watt-Zeefuik Posted August 28, 2016 Share Posted August 28, 2016 Long one, but an old favorite. Apologies for the use of American hunting terminology. A hunter decided to go bear hunting. After a couple of days in the blind, he sees an enormous bear -- the biggest one he's ever seen -- head down towards a river bank in some willows. He slowly rises up, empties both barrels of his rifle right at the bear, who drops out of sight into the willows. He quickly loads two more shells then fires again into where he figured the bear must have dropped. He climbs out of the blind and goes to look where the bear should have dropped, but when he gets there, there's no sign of the carcass. As he's looking around, he feels a tap on his shoulder and turns around and finds himself staring up at the bear on two legs looking down at him with his forelegs crossed in front of him. Even more surprisingly, the bear speaks to him. "Listen, these are my woods. I don't like people coming though here, I don't like hunters, and I REALLY don't like hunters shooting at me. So you've got two choices -- either I kill you and eat you now, or I #### you in the arse hard to teach you a lesson." Not feeling like dying, the hunter reluctantly takes the second option. After weeks at home recovering and plotting revenge, he goes back out again, this time armed with a high powered sniper rifle. It takes 5 days in the blind, during which time three smaller bears go by, but finally late at night he spots the enormous bear again. After carefully drawing a bead right on the bear's skull, he empties the clip as fast as he can. Sure he's got him, he goes back down to the riverbank, but again, he can't find the carcass. His heart sinks when he feels the tap on the shoulder. The bear is looming over him again, looking furious. "I thought I told you, these are my woods. I don't like people coming though here, I really don't like hunters, and I REALLY don't like hunters shooting at me. So you've got the same two choices I gave you before -- either I kill you and eat you now, or I #### you in the arse hard to teach you a lesson." With a sore arse he goes home. This time he wastes no time. He calls up old military friends and manages to get his hands on automatic weapons and explosive ordinance. Right back to the riverbank, where he spends two weeks in the blind, now getting into winter, and nearly freezes to death. Finally, he sees the bear emerge. Screaming he stands up and just holds the triggers in both hands, spraying the area where the bear was. When the clips are empty, he grabs his pistols and empties those. He then grabs all four grenades he brought and throws them at the bear's location. A gigantic plume of dirt leaves a crater behind, and the nearby vegetation bursts into flames. In the aftermath, as the dust settles, the hunter staggers down to the scene, not really expecting to find any remains, but sure he's finally done the bear in. Finally, sensing victory, he leans back against a tree to catch his breath. A tap comes on his shoulder, and he whirls around and sees the bear there, leaning against the same tree, with a giant smile on his face. The bear says to him, "admit it now, you don't really come here for the hunting, do you?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unknown user Posted August 29, 2016 Author Share Posted August 29, 2016 A guy walks into a bar to see an old friend sweating and shaking over a pint, clearly traumatised. "Gav" he says "what's wrong??" "Mate I've had the worst weekend. I was away hiking in the mountains, when I found this perfect clearing to make camp for the night. "As I'm collecting firewood, I take a tumble and fall headfirst over a fallen tree, knocking myself out on a rock, arse in the air. "Next thing I know I'm coming round to find a bear going to town on my arse, he was really giving it everything, he rogered me senseless for hours" "Holy crap Gav, does it hurt?" "Hurt?? He's never called, he's never texted" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RobNox Posted August 29, 2016 Share Posted August 29, 2016 My old dad always said "fight fire with fire ".That's why he was sacked by the fire brigade.(courtesy of Harry Hill) My dad always believed laughter was the best form of medicine, which is why he didn't last very long as a doctor. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted August 30, 2016 Share Posted August 30, 2016 2 dyslexic skiers arguing whether to zigzag or zagzig down the hill. Then a guy with sledge walks past. So one of the skiers asks"Excuse me pal, is zigzag or zagzig" The guy say "Don't ask me I'm a tobogganist" So the other skier says"Oh good, gies 20 cigs and a box of matches". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Watt-Zeefuik Posted August 30, 2016 Share Posted August 30, 2016 A guy walks into a bar to see an old friend sweating and shaking over a pint, clearly traumatised. "Gav" he says "what's wrong??" "Mate I've had the worst weekend. I was away hiking in the mountains, when I found this perfect clearing to make camp for the night. "As I'm collecting firewood, I take a tumble and fall headfirst over a fallen tree, knocking myself out on a rock, arse in the air. "Next thing I know I'm coming round to find a bear going to town on my arse, he was really giving it everything, he rogered me senseless for hours" "Holy crap Gav, does it hurt?" "Hurt?? He's never called, he's never texted" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
joseywales Posted August 31, 2016 Share Posted August 31, 2016 A irishman goes in for a intervew at a building site and gets asked at the job interview can you use a forklift he says yes and then the interviewer asks can you make a cup of tea so he replies back how big is the teapot. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trotter Posted August 31, 2016 Share Posted August 31, 2016 Scotsman, Englishman and an Irishman were trying to get into the main stadium in Rio. Security guard stops them and tells them that it's full, and there's room for athletes only, so the three walk round the corner and find a building site. The Scotsman picks up a long pole and walks back round to the guard, "I'm here for the high jump", so the guard lets him past. The Englishman picks up a bag of stones and walks back round, "I'm here for the shot putt", so the guard lets him past. Irishman walks round with some 2x4s and a roll of barbed wire tucked under his arm. "And what are you here for?" asks the guard. The Irishman replies, "Fencing". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Watt-Zeefuik Posted August 31, 2016 Share Posted August 31, 2016 Murder but But why would the first guy need a pole for the high jump ??? Totally read past that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trotter Posted August 31, 2016 Share Posted August 31, 2016 I meant the pole vault, oops...well, it is a crap jokes thread Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Watt-Zeefuik Posted August 31, 2016 Share Posted August 31, 2016 I meant the pole vault, oops...well, it is a crap jokes thread Wait, so they weren't trying to get into the Olympics, but into a bank in Poland? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Neilson's Shank Posted September 1, 2016 Share Posted September 1, 2016 Two dyslexics in a kitchen Can you smell Gas? No I cannae even smell my own name On the same theme, read a news headlines saying "New therapy for dyslexia and thought to myself, that's music to my arse" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted September 1, 2016 Share Posted September 1, 2016 What do you call a scotsman with diarrhea? Bravefart. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unknown user Posted September 1, 2016 Author Share Posted September 1, 2016 Wait, so they weren't trying to get into the Olympics, but into a bank in Poland? Whey! Two dyslexics in a kitchen Can you smell Gas? No I cannae even smell my own name On the same theme, read a news headlines saying "New therapy for dyslexia and thought to myself, that's music to my arse" Whey! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jb102 Posted September 1, 2016 Share Posted September 1, 2016 I meant the pole vault, oops...well, it is a crap jokes thread So he isn't a Pole vaulter? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
A Boy Named Crow Posted September 1, 2016 Share Posted September 1, 2016 So he isn't a Pole vaulter? No, he was Germsn, but how did you know his name was Wolter? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
andyscott82 Posted September 1, 2016 Share Posted September 1, 2016 Two dyslexics in a kitchen Can you smell Gas? No I cannae even smell my own name On the same theme, read a news headlines saying "New therapy for dyslexia and thought to myself, that's music to my arse" I find those jokes very insulting as I'm a member of the DNA - National Dyslexic Association... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unknown user Posted September 1, 2016 Author Share Posted September 1, 2016 I bloody love this thread Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LeftBack Posted September 1, 2016 Share Posted September 1, 2016 Nikki Lauder was watching the football results coming in when he realised he had won the pools. Until he remembered he had burnt his coupon. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unknown user Posted September 1, 2016 Author Share Posted September 1, 2016 Nikki Lauder was watching the football results coming in when he realised he had won the pools. Until he remembered he had burnt his coupon. Actually lol'd, tut tut though of course Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted September 1, 2016 Share Posted September 1, 2016 I find those jokes very insulting as I'm a member of the DNA - National Dyslexic Association...I joined them when I was diagnosed with the Big C. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
1953 Posted September 1, 2016 Share Posted September 1, 2016 A guy get a parcel in the post a couple of weeks ago and excitedly said to his wife "My Olympic condoms have arrived, it's the gold one for us tonight" His wife replied "Can you use the silver one please and come second for a change?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Armageddon Posted September 1, 2016 Share Posted September 1, 2016 I joined them when I was diagnosed with the Big C. There's that story about Gazza out in Newcastle and he meet's some old friends, he was asking about one guys parents and he told Gazza his dad had died "from the big C" ... Gazza replied "Did he drown?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
1953 Posted September 1, 2016 Share Posted September 1, 2016 I went to a 'Prince' themed new year do last year. The ticket cost ?20 but I partied like it was ?19.99. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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