deesidejambo Posted June 10, 2016 Share Posted June 10, 2016 What kind of zoo only has dogs in it? A shitzu. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ryan Jarman Posted June 10, 2016 Share Posted June 10, 2016 heey good bump! I heard Kermit finally got Miss Piggy pregnant - they had two frigs and a pog What's green and smells of bacon? Kermits fingers Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted June 10, 2016 Share Posted June 10, 2016 I took my mother in law to the Chamber of Horrors at Madam Toussauds. One of the attendants said 'keep moving mate, we're stocktaking'.. They are getting worse folks.... Bedtime Jonno. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted June 10, 2016 Share Posted June 10, 2016 My mate who is a roofer was caught playing with himself at work. His boss let him off though and they wiped the slate clean. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King Of The Cat Cafe Posted June 11, 2016 Share Posted June 11, 2016 So, this bloke from Dunfirmline is walking through the Sahara when he spots a beautful woman trapped up to her waist in the sand. From what he can see she is naked - and quite an eyeful at that. He looks her up and down and says: If I dig you out what's in it for me She looks him up and down and says: Sand. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dusk_Till_Dawn Posted June 11, 2016 Share Posted June 11, 2016 Why are pirates called pirates? Because they ahhhhhhhhhhrrrrrrrrrrrr Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JWL Posted June 11, 2016 Share Posted June 11, 2016 My mate who is a roofer was caught playing with himself at work. His boss let him off though and they wiped the slate clean. My late dad was a roofer; so dad, if you're up there................. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Future's Maroon Posted June 11, 2016 Share Posted June 11, 2016 (edited) What's the difference between a duck? One of its feet is both the same. I'm puzzled! Edited June 11, 2016 by The Future's Maroon Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Future's Maroon Posted June 11, 2016 Share Posted June 11, 2016 What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi? Dubai no longer show the Flinstones on the TV but Abu Dhabi do. That tickled me Did you hear the joke about the pizza? I can't tell it, its too cheesy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lauriesrank Posted June 11, 2016 Share Posted June 11, 2016 I was down at the corral and rounded up my 992 cows... ended up with 1,000! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Future's Maroon Posted June 11, 2016 Share Posted June 11, 2016 I was down at the corral and rounded up my 992 cows... ended up with 1,000! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
William H. Bonney Posted June 12, 2016 Share Posted June 12, 2016 Why can't Stevie wonder see his friends? Because he's married. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jamboz Posted June 12, 2016 Share Posted June 12, 2016 What's the difference between Saddam Hussein and Dwight Yorke? Saddam Hussein knew when to pull out of Jordan. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iantjambo Posted June 12, 2016 Share Posted June 12, 2016 Why can't Stevie wonder see his friends? Because he's married. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted June 12, 2016 Share Posted June 12, 2016 What's the difference between Saddam Hussein and Dwight Yorke? Saddam Hussein knew when to pull out of Jordan. This is a place in Australia. I always thought it was in Jordan. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
butch Posted June 12, 2016 Share Posted June 12, 2016 What's black and doesn't work Decaffeinated coffee Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The White Cockade Posted June 12, 2016 Share Posted June 12, 2016 heard the one about the cornflakes? i'll tell you next week it's a cereal.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boris Posted June 12, 2016 Share Posted June 12, 2016 I was down at the corral and rounded up my 992 cows... ended up with 1,000! Hahahaha Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kmeister Posted June 12, 2016 Share Posted June 12, 2016 So I said to the waiter "get me a crocodile steak and make it snappy". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The White Cockade Posted June 12, 2016 Share Posted June 12, 2016 Diner: Waiter this coffee tastes like dirt Waiter: It should do Sir it was ground this morning Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rab Posted June 12, 2016 Share Posted June 12, 2016 Why can't you hear the Pterodactyl go to the toilet? Because it's a silent pee. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iantjambo Posted June 13, 2016 Share Posted June 13, 2016 I don't know what my parents did to occupy themselves before the internet came along. I asked my 18 brothers and 16 sisters and they didn't know either. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mrmarkus1981 Posted June 13, 2016 Share Posted June 13, 2016 Guy goes into a pet shop and asks the shopkeeper 'excuse me, have you got any tinned pigeon'. The shop keeper replies 'sorry sir, no can doo' Sent from my LG-D855 using Tapatalk Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mrmarkus1981 Posted June 13, 2016 Share Posted June 13, 2016 Raging that I lost my job spinning the waltzers at the weekend. It was funfair dismissal Sent from my LG-D855 using Tapatalk Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iantjambo Posted June 13, 2016 Share Posted June 13, 2016 I have posted some dire ones but that takes the biscuit. Easily the worst joke I have heard in my puff. It's a bad one isn't it? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tian447 Posted June 13, 2016 Share Posted June 13, 2016 What's the difference between a duck? One of its feet is both the same. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
H1B5 Owner Posted June 13, 2016 Share Posted June 13, 2016 How d'you tell the difference between a weasel and a stoat? The weasel is weasily identified because the stoat is stoatily different. Sent from my SM-G920F using Tapatalk Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
William H. Bonney Posted June 17, 2016 Share Posted June 17, 2016 A Scotsman walks into a bar... Normally he's accompanied by an Englishman, Welshman and Irishman but they're all in France watching the euro's. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iantjambo Posted June 17, 2016 Share Posted June 17, 2016 (edited) A Scotsman walks into a bar... Normally he's accompanied by an Englishman, Welshman and Irishman but they're all in France watching the euro's. That's a little close to the bone mate Edited June 17, 2016 by iantjambo Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marvin Posted June 17, 2016 Share Posted June 17, 2016 I have posted some dire ones but that takes the biscuit. Easily the worst joke I have heard in my puff. One of the worst I've seen in a while Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Michael_Jackson Posted June 17, 2016 Share Posted June 17, 2016 . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maggieb Posted June 17, 2016 Share Posted June 17, 2016 Guy goes into a pet shop and asks the shopkeeper 'excuse me, have you got any tinned pigeon'. The shop keeper replies 'sorry sir, no can doo' Sent from my LG-D855 using Tapatalk Quite good , Guy goes into the same pet shop and asks for two bluebottles , " no ca doo" says he " we don't advertise that shite".. You've got two in the window ,how much? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dozy dick the dooman Posted June 18, 2016 Share Posted June 18, 2016 Thor decides to take a day off from being a god in Asgard (Norse heaven) and comes down to earth to sample the local talent. Anyway, he finds a bird and gives her a right Royal seeing to and in the morning declares I,m THOR. She replies: Tho am I I can hardly thit doon. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
¼½¾ Posted June 18, 2016 Share Posted June 18, 2016 A weegie and a scouser go into Greggs. The scouser nicks 3 pies and sticks them in his pocket, then boasts to the weegie, "Did you see that? The staff never even saw me." The weegie says, "That's nowt mate, watch this." So the weegie goes back into the shop and says to the manager, "Gimme a pie and I'll show you some magic," and eats the pie in front of him, and then does it twice more. The manager says, "So, where's the magic in that?" The weegie says, "Go and check that scouser's pocket." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted June 18, 2016 Share Posted June 18, 2016 A weegie and a scouser go into Greggs. The scouser nicks 3 pies and sticks them in his pocket, then boasts to the weegie, "Did you see that? The staff never even saw me." The weegie says, "That's nowt mate, watch this." So the weegie goes back into the shop and says to the manager, "Gimme a pie and I'll show you some magic," and eats the pie in front of him, and then does it twice more. The manager says, "So, where's the magic in that?" The weegie says, "Go and check that scouser's pocket." FFS Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Number28 Posted June 18, 2016 Share Posted June 18, 2016 Guy comes home from pub and says to his wife," I've just had a pint with the postman and he says that he's made love ( cleaned that up) to every woman in the street except one". " Is that so?" she says. It'll be that snooty bitch at number 24". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mrmarkus1981 Posted August 9, 2016 Share Posted August 9, 2016 Sophie Ellis Bextor has been found dead in an apartment in the south of France. Police reckin it was murder on Zidane's floor Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trotter Posted August 9, 2016 Share Posted August 9, 2016 How do you know the toothbrush was invented by someone from Leith?If t was anywhere else, it would be called a teethbrush Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted August 9, 2016 Share Posted August 9, 2016 (edited) Sophie Ellis Bextor has been found dead in an apartment in the south of France. Police reckin it was murder on Zidane's floor Like that a lot! Edited August 9, 2016 by Morgan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted August 9, 2016 Share Posted August 9, 2016 How do you know the toothbrush was invented by someone from Leith? If t was anywhere else, it would be called a teethbrush Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unknown user Posted August 9, 2016 Author Share Posted August 9, 2016 Jeremy Beadle's ashes were sprinkled over a compost heap. An ITV spokesman said he will return in the Autumn in a new series called 'Watch Out, Beadle's A Sprout' At Jeremy Beadle's funeral catering the attendees were provided with a small finger buffet. His memorial service was held at noon precisely. When the big hand meets the little hand. I'm here all week. On one hand Jeremy was quite well endowed, but on the other hand... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dawnrazor Posted August 9, 2016 Share Posted August 9, 2016 A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading... straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, ?Business trip or pleasure?? She turned, smiled and said, ?Business. I?m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, ?What?s your Business at this convention?? ?Lecturer,? she responded. ?I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.? ?Really?? he said. ?And what kind of myths are there?? ?Well,? she explained, ?one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is Scotsmen who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Irish Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. ?I?m Sorry,? she said, ?I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don?t Even know your name.? ?Tonto,? the man said, ?Tonto McTavish but my friends call me Paddy". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted August 10, 2016 Share Posted August 10, 2016 A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading... straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, ?Business trip or pleasure?? She turned, smiled and said, ?Business. I?m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, ?What?s your Business at this convention?? ?Lecturer,? she responded. ?I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.? ?Really?? he said. ?And what kind of myths are there?? ?Well,? she explained, ?one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is Scotsmen who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Irish Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. ?I?m Sorry,? she said, ?I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don?t Even know your name.? ?Tonto,? the man said, ?Tonto McTavish but my friends call me Paddy". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paolo Posted August 10, 2016 Share Posted August 10, 2016 Drinking non alcoholic lager is like licking your sister's *****. It tastes the same, but it is just not right. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sidsnot Posted August 10, 2016 Share Posted August 10, 2016 An Emergency Call Centre worker has been fired in Toronto much to the dismay of her colleagues, who were unhappy with her dismissal. It seems that a caller dialed 911 from a cell phone stating, "I am depressed and lying on a railway line so that when the train comes I can finally meet Allah." To which the call center employee replied, "Please remain calm sir and stay on the line. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted August 10, 2016 Share Posted August 10, 2016 A future, a past, and a present walk into a bar. It was a tense moment. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chrissyd2003 Posted August 11, 2016 Share Posted August 11, 2016 What happens when the Pope dies? Another one popes up. Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Turkishcap Posted August 11, 2016 Share Posted August 11, 2016 Was waiting for my order in the chippy and the girl said your fish wont be long.......I said it better be fat then. What do you call a Chinese kid who is poor at maths.....dim sum. I was on the net the other day and my wife walks in and asks what am I doing, I said I was looking at flights. Overcome with joy and emotion she shouts thank you darling and dragged me into the bedroom for passionate sex, as I lay there after I thought funny, she`s never shown an interest in darts before. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted August 11, 2016 Share Posted August 11, 2016 How do you defend yourself if you're attacked by a group of circus performers? Go for the juggler. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted August 16, 2016 Share Posted August 16, 2016 I just stopped eating venison and started eating pheasant, an absolute game changer. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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