Unknown user Posted January 20, 2017 Author Share Posted January 20, 2017 There's an email doing the rounds containing processed pork gelatine and salt. Don't open it folks as it's spam. Thank you SuperJack - whoever you are Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King Of The Cat Cafe Posted January 22, 2017 Share Posted January 22, 2017 Not much has ever happened in the Austrian village of Lofer. Even less has happened there since a by-pass was built. Still, people from Lofer are proud of their heritage. "Lofer born," they say "Lofer bred.". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aussieh Posted January 23, 2017 Share Posted January 23, 2017 Guy goes to the doctor. "Dr, I'm really itchy down there" The doc examines the guy and say's. "You've got crabs" The guy asks " what do I do" The doc says "Go into Tesco and buy some castor sugar and rub it all over your ****** and balls and surrounding area" "Will that cure me" asks the guy " No, it'll rot their teeth and you'll get a good nights sleep" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aussieh Posted January 23, 2017 Share Posted January 23, 2017 Woman goes to the doctor. "Doc, I don't feel to well" The doctor examines her and say's "You have VD" The woman say's " I must have caught it from the toilet seat" The doctor say's " You must've been chewing it, as you've got it in the mouth" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
¼½¾ Posted January 23, 2017 Share Posted January 23, 2017 A wee old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with passing gas, but it really doesn?t bother me too much. It never smells and it?s always silent. As a matter of fact I?ve passed gas at least 20 times since I?ve been here in your office. You didn?t know I was passing gas because it doesn?t smell and it?s silent." The doctor says "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week." The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don?t know what you gave me, but now my passing gas? although still silent, it stinks terribly." "Good", the doctor said, "now that we?ve cleared up your sinuses, we?ll start to work on your hearing." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aussieh Posted January 23, 2017 Share Posted January 23, 2017 Stevie Wonder walks past the Chippie. Evening ladies. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Swanny17 Posted January 23, 2017 Share Posted January 23, 2017 Was going to make the Mrs a surprise Korean meal tonight until someone let the cat out of the bag. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted January 23, 2017 Share Posted January 23, 2017 I just dropped my phone in a jar of mayonnaise. What the hellman. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted January 24, 2017 Share Posted January 24, 2017 2 aerials met on a roof. They got on really well so they decided to get married. The ceremony was pretty dull but the reception was amazing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted January 25, 2017 Share Posted January 25, 2017 After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago. Not to be outdone by the British, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British". One week later, Australia's Northern Territory Times, reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in Tennant Creek, Northern Territory, aboriginal Billi Bunji, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely feck-all. Billi has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Australia had already gone wireless. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King Of The Cat Cafe Posted January 25, 2017 Share Posted January 25, 2017 (edited) Two surgeons obviously originally from the Indian sub-continent are having a heated argument in the canteen at the Western General Hospital. One says: "I tell you it is WOOOMBAA" The other retorts: "You are totally wrong, it is WHOOOOMMM." A passing sister says to them: "I think you will find it is actually spelt WOMB." As she walks away, one surgeon says to the other: " I bet you she has never even seen a water buffalo, let alone heard one fart under water." Edited January 25, 2017 by King Of The Cat Cafe Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mrmarkus1981 Posted January 25, 2017 Share Posted January 25, 2017 It looks like the best way to fasten clothes is with glue..... Or sew it's seams ! Sent from my LG-H850 using Tapatalk Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deesidejambo Posted January 25, 2017 Share Posted January 25, 2017 Guy goes into a chippie late at night.... Have you got any chips left? Yes loads. Serves you right for making so many. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boof Posted January 25, 2017 Share Posted January 25, 2017 Hoping someone can help me out. I managed to get tickets for the Champions league final. The full works - hospitality, accommodation, travel from the Scottish airport of your choice. Stupid, stupid me was so excited to get them I neglected to notice that the date clashes with something rather important- my wedding day Having forked out the best part of 4 grand for the football package I'm wondering if someone wants to take my place. It's 4pm at the big kirk in Lerwick. Her name's Jessica and she's no a bad sort. Makes a lovely pot of Scotch Broth and has a right cute wee smile. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aussieh Posted January 26, 2017 Share Posted January 26, 2017 Guy goes into a chippie late at night.... Have you got any chips left? Yes loads. Serves you right for making so many. Any hot pies?Yes Well, it serves you right for wearing 2 pairs of knickers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deesidejambo Posted January 26, 2017 Share Posted January 26, 2017 (edited) Two peanuts walking along the road. One got assaulted. Edited January 26, 2017 by deesidejambo Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted January 26, 2017 Share Posted January 26, 2017 A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course lined with million-dollar houses. On the third tee, the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball. Don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix." The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. All right, let's go up there, apologize, and see how much this is going to cost." They walked up and knocked on the door. A voice said, "Come on in. They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, "Are you the people who broke my window?" "Uh, yeah. Sorry about that," the husband replied. "No, actually, I want to thank you. I'm a genie who was trapped for a thousand years inside that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes -- I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself." "Okay, great!" the husband said. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem -- it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife. "I want a house in every country of the world," she said. "Consider it done," the genie replied. "And what's your wish, genie?", the husband said. "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife." The husband looked at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care." The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours. After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?" "Thirty-five," she replied. "And he still believes in genies? ... That's amazing." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted January 26, 2017 Share Posted January 26, 2017 keep them coming Jack. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted January 27, 2017 Share Posted January 27, 2017 keep them coming Jack.If you insist. A guy got shot with a starter pistol today. Police think it is race related. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Real Maroonblood Posted January 27, 2017 Share Posted January 27, 2017 If you insist. A guy got shot with a starter pistol today. Police think it is race related. Nice one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted January 28, 2017 Share Posted January 28, 2017 A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps.. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt. As they walked through the ape exhibit, They passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and two feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She did... and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down. "Now..... show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy and he started doing flips. Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut. "Now. Tell him you have a headache". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Swanny17 Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 I've just been arrested for climbing into a Combine Harvester. Hoping to get bailed tomorrow. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 Did you hear about the outlaw who was arrested for scrunching up a paper bag ? He was done for rustlin'. There's something wrong with you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unknown user Posted January 31, 2017 Author Share Posted January 31, 2017 (edited) Did you hear about the outlaw who was arrested for scrunching up a paper bag ? He was done for rustlin'. What do you call a guy with a rabbit up his arse? Warren Edited January 31, 2017 by Smithee Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 What do you call a guy with a rabbit up his arse? Warren FFS Mini Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LeftBack Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 I left a fiver in jeans before they went in washing machine. Ive been charged with money laundering Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deodato Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 How much does a cockney spend on Shampoo. Dunnah mate. about a Pantene. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckyBatistuta Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 A hobo calls the hospital. He says, "You gotta send help! My sisters going into labour!" The nurse says, "Calm down. Is this her first child?" He says, "No! This is her f#####g husband!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
martoon Posted February 1, 2017 Share Posted February 1, 2017 A Yorkshireman's wife dies. He arranges the funeral, purchases a headstone and goes to see the engraver. "All I want on it" He says "is MY DARLING WIFE, SHE WERE THINE". The engraver tells him no problem, come back tomorrow. The following morning he returns and is shown the headstone. MY DARLING WIFE, SHE WERE THIN. "You've forgotten the E" The Yorkshire man sobs. The engraver apologises and tells him to come back in an hour. An hour later he returns and is shown the headstone. MY DARLING WIFE, EEEEEEE SHE WERE THIN Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckyBatistuta Posted February 1, 2017 Share Posted February 1, 2017 A Yorkshireman's wife dies. He arranges the funeral, purchases a headstone and goes to see the engraver. "All I want on it" He says "is MY DARLING WIFE, SHE WERE THINE". The engraver tells him no problem, come back tomorrow. The following morning he returns and is shown the headstone. MY DARLING WIFE, SHE WERE THIN. "You've forgotten the E" The Yorkshire man sobs. The engraver apologises and tells him to come back in an hour. An hour later he returns and is shown the headstone. MY DARLING WIFE, EEEEEEE SHE WERE THIN Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Norm Posted February 1, 2017 Share Posted February 1, 2017 What's blue and fecks Grannies? Hyperthermia. I prefer... What's blue and fecks Grannies? Me in my lucky blue suit. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckyBatistuta Posted February 1, 2017 Share Posted February 1, 2017 (edited) A Little Rabbit is running happily through the woods when he comes across a Giraffe rolling a joint. He runs up the Giraffe and says, "Hey, Giraffe. You shouldn't do that. Think of your health. You should come running in the woods instead!" The Giraffe looks at the Little Rabbit, looks at the spliff, shrugs his shoulders, tosses the joint over his shoulder and runs off through the wood with the Little Rabbit. After a while the Giraffe and the Rabbit come across an Elephant about to do a line of Coke. The Rabbit says, "Oh, Elephant you really shouldn't do that. You should come running with us in the wood. It is much better for you." The Elephant looks at the Rabbit looks at the line of Charlie, shrugs his shoulders, then runs off through the wood with the Giraffe and the Rabbit. Shortly they come across a Bear about to shoot up heroin. The Rabbit runs up to him and says, "Hey, Bear, you shouldn't do that, think of your health. You'd be better of running in the woods with us." The Bear looks at the Rabbit, looks at the syringe, spoon and stuff, shrugs his shoulders, kicks the whole lot away and runs off with the Rabbit, the Giraffe and the Elephant. After a while they come across a Tiger drinking his way through a six pack of beer. The Rabbit runs up to the Tiger and says, "Hey Tiger, you really shouldn't d that." and the Tiger immediately jumps up and starts beating the living crap out of the Rabbit. The Giraffe grabs the Tiger and pulls him off the Rabbit and says, "What the hell are you doing, man?" The Tiger gets one more kick in and shouts, "That little f#ck#r really pisses me off; the little c##t makes me run around the bloody woods every time he's on Ecstasy!" Edited February 1, 2017 by luckyBatistuta Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Say What Again Posted February 1, 2017 Share Posted February 1, 2017 A Yorkshireman's wife dies. He arranges the funeral, purchases a headstone and goes to see the engraver. "All I want on it" He says "is MY DARLING WIFE, SHE WERE THINE". The engraver tells him no problem, come back tomorrow. The following morning he returns and is shown the headstone. MY DARLING WIFE, SHE WERE THIN. "You've forgotten the E" The Yorkshire man sobs. The engraver apologises and tells him to come back in an hour. An hour later he returns and is shown the headstone. MY DARLING WIFE, EEEEEEE SHE WERE THIN A Yorkshire man's dog dies and as it was his lifelong best friend, he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by. Yorkshire man "Can tha mek us a gold statue of this 'ere dog?" Jeweller: "Of course, Sir, would you like it 18 carat?" Yorkshire man: "No yer daft bugger, I want it chewin' bone !" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Armageddon Posted February 1, 2017 Share Posted February 1, 2017 A Yorkshireman's wife dies. He arranges the funeral, purchases a headstone and goes to see the engraver. "All I want on it" He says "is MY DARLING WIFE, SHE WERE THINE". The engraver tells him no problem, come back tomorrow. The following morning he returns and is shown the headstone. MY DARLING WIFE, SHE WERE THIN. "You've forgotten the E" The Yorkshire man sobs. The engraver apologises and tells him to come back in an hour. An hour later he returns and is shown the headstone. MY DARLING WIFE, EEEEEEE SHE WERE THIN hahaha that's a belter! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
martoon Posted February 1, 2017 Share Posted February 1, 2017 (edited) A Yorkshire man's dog dies and as it was his lifelong best friend, he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by. Yorkshire man "Can tha mek us a gold statue of this 'ere dog?" Jeweller: "Of course, Sir, would you like it 18 carat?" Yorkshire man: "No yer daft bugger, I want it chewin' bone !" hahaha that's a belter!It's an old Bernard Manning joke. Not a fan but saw him tell it on telly once. Always thought it was funny. Edit: first time I've tried to multiquote and not made a Jeremy Hunt of it. Edited February 1, 2017 by martoon Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deesidejambo Posted February 1, 2017 Share Posted February 1, 2017 Whats green, has six legs, and if it fell on you from a tree it would kill you? A snooker table. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unknown user Posted February 1, 2017 Author Share Posted February 1, 2017 Whats green, has six legs, and if it fell on you from a tree it would kill you? A snooker table. How do you make a snooker table laugh? Put your hand in it's pocket and tickle it's balls Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iantjambo Posted February 2, 2017 Share Posted February 2, 2017 A Yorkshireman's wife dies. He arranges the funeral, purchases a headstone and goes to see the engraver. "All I want on it" He says "is MY DARLING WIFE, SHE WERE THINE". The engraver tells him no problem, come back tomorrow. The following morning he returns and is shown the headstone. MY DARLING WIFE, SHE WERE THIN. "You've forgotten the E" The Yorkshire man sobs. The engraver apologises and tells him to come back in an hour. An hour later he returns and is shown the headstone. MY DARLING WIFE, EEEEEEE SHE WERE THIN Brilliant :rofl: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted February 2, 2017 Share Posted February 2, 2017 A Yorkshireman's wife dies. He arranges the funeral, purchases a headstone and goes to see the engraver. "All I want on it" He says "is MY DARLING WIFE, SHE WERE THINE". The engraver tells him no problem, come back tomorrow. The following morning he returns and is shown the headstone. MY DARLING WIFE, SHE WERE THIN. "You've forgotten the E" The Yorkshire man sobs. The engraver apologises and tells him to come back in an hour. An hour later he returns and is shown the headstone. MY DARLING WIFE, EEEEEEE SHE WERE THIN Ya daft auld get! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted February 8, 2017 Share Posted February 8, 2017 Queen Elizabeth and dolly Parton die on the same day. When speaking with St Peter, they are informed that there is only room for 1 of them in heaven and asks each of them why they should be admitted. Dolly unfastens her blouse and flashes her chebs. She says "these are the most perfect breasts that God ever created, it would please him stich to see these beauty's every day for eternity". St Peter thanks her and then asks her Majesty why she should be admitted. She pulls a bottle of water out of her bag, drinks it in 1, goes for a pish then flushes the bog. St Peter says "sorry dolly be the Queen has been granted entry". Dolly says "but I have the perfect creations here that God and everyone in heaven would enjoy seeing". St Peter says "sorry dolly, but even in heaven, no matter how big the pair, a royal flush always wins". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted February 9, 2017 Share Posted February 9, 2017 Feck me.... Welcome back Jack. I went cold turkey and managed to last 12 days from this thread. I finally broke in the end though. Maybe next time I'll manage a whole 2 weeks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JWL Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 One from Laurel and Hardy: Olly to Stan: Didn't you tell me you had an uncle Stan: Yeah, I have an uncle Olly: What does he do Stan: Nothing, he's dead Olly: Well how did he die Stan: He fell through a trapdoor Olly: How did he do that, was he building a house Stan: No, they were hanging him Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
martoon Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 One from Laurel and Hardy: Olly to Stan: Didn't you tell me you had an uncle Stan: Yeah, I have an uncle Olly: What does he do Stan: Nothing, he's dead Olly: Well how did he die Stan: He fell through a trapdoor Olly: How did he do that, was he building a house Stan: No, they were hanging him Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rastajambo Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 (edited) . Edited February 10, 2017 by Rastajambo Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rastajambo Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 I went to the zoo the other day. It only had 1 dog in it. It was a Shih Tzu Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LeylandJambo Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 One from Laurel and Hardy: Olly to Stan: Didn't you tell me you had an uncle Stan: Yeah, I have an uncle Olly: What does he do Stan: Nothing, he's dead Olly: Well how did he die Stan: He fell through a trapdoor Olly: How did he do that, was he building a house Stan: No, they were hanging him Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted February 11, 2017 Share Posted February 11, 2017 There was a prison break and I saw a dwarf climbing up the fence. As he jumped down he sneered at me and I thought, well that's a little condescending. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted February 13, 2017 Share Posted February 13, 2017 Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted February 13, 2017 Share Posted February 13, 2017 Better than your previous effort.... Hark at Ken feckin Goodwin Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted February 13, 2017 Share Posted February 13, 2017 My neighbours named their newly born baby "saturn". Not my idea of a child's name but it does have a ring to it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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