Jason Dufner Posted September 14, 2016 Share Posted September 14, 2016 What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
joseywales Posted September 14, 2016 Share Posted September 14, 2016 You just made that up, didn't you ? I didn't make that up it is a old tommy cooper joke. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted September 14, 2016 Share Posted September 14, 2016 Heard this at the festival (a geordie lad, forget his name) Speaking about whiskey: 'I like my whiskey the same as japanese men like their girls' Genuinely pmsl! What was the punchline? Hope it wasn't racist... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
¼½¾ Posted September 14, 2016 Share Posted September 14, 2016 Might been told already, but there's too much to check... Guy visits the optician. The optician tells him " You're going to have to stop masturbating." Guy replies, " Why am I going blind?" Optician says, "No, but do you do this with the male opticians?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unknown user Posted September 14, 2016 Author Share Posted September 14, 2016 When I said I was starting a crap jokes thread, people laughed. Yeah, they're not laughing now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LeftBack Posted September 15, 2016 Share Posted September 15, 2016 When I said I was starting a crap jokes thread, people laughed. Yeah, they're not laughing now. Well if we are quoting Bob Monkhouse I want to die like my father, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming and terrified, like his passengers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unknown user Posted September 15, 2016 Author Share Posted September 15, 2016 Well if we are quoting Bob Monkhouse I want to die like my father, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming and terrified, like his passengers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lauriesrank Posted September 15, 2016 Share Posted September 15, 2016 What was the punchline? Hope it wasn't racist... That is the punchline, it was in reference to a good whiskey being about 12 years old... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aussieh Posted September 15, 2016 Share Posted September 15, 2016 That is the punchline, it was in reference to a good whiskey being about 12 years old...Or Irish Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted September 15, 2016 Share Posted September 15, 2016 That is the punchline, it was in reference to a good whiskey being about 12 years old... I hadn't associated Japanese men with 12 year old girls. I might have got it if it said, "...the way Jimmy Savile liked his girls." There was me thinking about nips of whisky and how on earth that could be linked to Japanese men and still be pmsl funny. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trotter Posted September 15, 2016 Share Posted September 15, 2016 The judge asked me why I kept beating my wife, I replied, "probably a better jab, longer reach and fancy footwork." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Watt-Zeefuik Posted September 16, 2016 Share Posted September 16, 2016 When my wife left me, I turned to the bottle. Now it's stuck in there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lauriesrank Posted September 16, 2016 Share Posted September 16, 2016 I hadn't associated Japanese men with 12 year old girls. I might have got it if it said, "...the way Jimmy Savile liked his girls." There was me thinking about nips of whisky and how on earth that could be linked to Japanese men and still be pmsl funny. Its the fact that many affluent asian men, love the seedy clubs where girls are dressed like schoolgirls and dance around etc (there's a scene in blade which apparently, accurately depicts this.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
willie wallace Posted September 16, 2016 Share Posted September 16, 2016 The judge asked me why I kept beating my wife, I replied, "probably a better jab, longer reach and fancy footwork." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted September 16, 2016 Share Posted September 16, 2016 I accidentally drank a bottle of food colouring. I'm feeling fine, but a little something inside of me has dyed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
off the rails Posted September 16, 2016 Share Posted September 16, 2016 An Aberdonian wins the lottery jackpot after years of trying. Asked if it would change his life, he says "Nah, it'll nit change me one bit." "And what about all the begging letters?" he was asked. "Ach I'll jist continue tae send them!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted September 16, 2016 Share Posted September 16, 2016 A scotsman and his wife were on holiday in Jerusalem. On the second week, the wife had a heart attack and passed away. When he was speaking to an Israeli undertaker, the Scotsman was told " it will cost ?51000 to transport the body back to Edinburgh,or we can bury her here for a couple of hundred". The Scotsman says "I would rather take her home, no matter the cost". The undertaker says "you must have really loved her, as that is some expense". "No, it's not that. The only other person who I know about who got buried over here rose again from the grave 3 days later, I just don't want to take the chance". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
off the rails Posted September 16, 2016 Share Posted September 16, 2016 In a recent survey, 2 percent of men said they preferred women with short legs, 3 percent preferred long legs and 95 percent preferred something in between. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GlasgoJambo Posted September 16, 2016 Share Posted September 16, 2016 Two rabbits escape from a laboratory. On their first day of freedom the younger one asks excitedly "what we gonna do today?". The older one looks down at a field full of carrots "follow me son" he says and they hop on down to the field and spend the whole day munching on carrots. Stuffed and content they fall asleep under the stars. The next morning the younger rabbit wakes up his older companion "what we gonna do today?" he asks excitedly. The older rabbit looks down at a field full of female bunnies. "follow me son" he says and they hop on down to the field and have their way with the female bunnies. After an exhausting day they again fall asleep contented under the stars. The next morning the younger one wakes his companion "what we gonna do today, what we gonna do today?" he squeals with excitement. "Shall we go and eat carrots all day or should we go and get laid all day?" "Son" replies the older one "I'm heading back to the lab" "What!" says the young one flabbergasted "why on earth, we've got it all out here?" "Aye, mibbie" sighs the old one "but I'm pure gasping on a fag" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deesidejambo Posted September 17, 2016 Share Posted September 17, 2016 Rabbit goes into a cafe and orders a cheese toastie. He wolfs that down and orders a ham toastie. Then after that an egg and tomato toastie. When the cafe closes the owner goes outside and sees the rabbit dying in the gutter. "Are you OK? What's wrong?" The rabbit replied - Mixinmatoasties. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deesidejambo Posted September 17, 2016 Share Posted September 17, 2016 Are we allowed holocaust jokes on this thread? I want to do the 50 Jews in a Mini gag. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted September 17, 2016 Share Posted September 17, 2016 Are we allowed holocaust jokes on this thread? I want to do the 50 Jews in a Mini gag. Yes, it's quite alright. Fire away. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jb102 Posted September 17, 2016 Share Posted September 17, 2016 Are we allowed holocaust jokes on this thread? I want to do the 50 Jews in a Mini gag. Probably better if it didn't happen. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deesidejambo Posted September 17, 2016 Share Posted September 17, 2016 Probably better if it didn't happen. Ok I'll give it a miss. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Swanny17 Posted September 17, 2016 Share Posted September 17, 2016 (edited) Are we allowed holocaust jokes on this thread? I want to do the 50 Jews in a Mini gag.Go for it. Those who choose to read this thread know what they're getting in to. On second thoughts, don't. Edited September 17, 2016 by Swanny17 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Swanny17 Posted September 17, 2016 Share Posted September 17, 2016 Ken who I bumped into in the Opticians today? Everyone. I used to work in a mirror factory. On reflection, it was shit. Apparently Cher has discovered she has a long lost identical twin. They're now going to become a duo - Cher and Cher alike. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King Of The Cat Cafe Posted September 17, 2016 Share Posted September 17, 2016 Then there was the six-year-old lad who kept sticking cola bottles up his nose. His mum bought him Pepsi. She figured he was too young to be snorting Coke. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted September 17, 2016 Share Posted September 17, 2016 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted September 17, 2016 Share Posted September 17, 2016 Then there was the six-year-old lad who kept sticking cola bottles up his nose. His mum bought him Pepsi. She figured he was too young to be snorting Coke. OFFS. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted September 18, 2016 Share Posted September 18, 2016 I feel sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night, he hypnotised 11 guys, then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled "F*%# ME!"... What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life!I Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted September 18, 2016 Share Posted September 18, 2016 A Hearts fan and a Hibs fan uncover a legend about a magical cliff, where if you jump off of it, you'll be transformed into whatever you shout as you go. The Hearts fan goes first, checks to make sure the path is clear, then takes a few steps back, runs and jumps. As he starts to fall, he shouts, "eagle!" and sure enough, he transforms into an eagle and flies away. The Hibs fan goggles at this a bit, screws up his courage, and stumbles towards the cliff. Right as he's about to go over, he trips on a rock, and says, "aw, shite!" Nothing happens. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted September 18, 2016 Share Posted September 18, 2016 A pensioner drove his brand new Mercedes to 100 mph, looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him. He floored it to 140 , then 150, ... then 155, ... Suddenly he thought, "I'm too old for this nonsense !" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him. The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend with my family. If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before, why you were speeding... I'll let you go." The Man looked very seriously at the police man, and replied :- "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back." !!! The Cop left saying, " Have a good day, Sir "..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckyBatistuta Posted September 18, 2016 Share Posted September 18, 2016 Yes, it's quite alright. Fire away. Response to 'fire away'. I agree on reflection. San Miguel x Tony Valenti mate. Probably didn't even realise what he'd posted...too many of the old Bordeaux's Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hughesie27 Posted September 19, 2016 Share Posted September 19, 2016 I'm glad I'm not the only one I assumed it was a sex change but I can see it being a son. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sairyinthat Posted September 20, 2016 Share Posted September 20, 2016 Paddy and the priest were walking down Leith walk and were being accosted by the ladies of the night. Well that certainly is an eyesore said the priest. There's an even better one at the next corner said Paddy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted September 20, 2016 Share Posted September 20, 2016 Probably didn't even realise what he'd posted...too many of the old Bordeaux'simage.jpegimage.jpegimage.jpeg Quite aware of my posting thanks all the same! You've got to keep your wits about you whilst JKBing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted September 20, 2016 Share Posted September 20, 2016 Response to 'fire away'. I agree on reflection. San Miguel x Tony Valenti mate. Tony Valenti Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sairyinthat Posted September 20, 2016 Share Posted September 20, 2016 Four brothers left home for uni and became Lawyers and Doctors. Getting together one evening they discussed the gifts they gave their old mother on her 80th birthday. One said you know I had a large house built for her. Second son said and I had a large theatre built into the house for her. Third son said I had a top of the range Mercedes delivered to her. Fourth son said You know Mama loves reading the Bible but her eyesight has gone now so I Met this preacher who spoke about an amazing parrot who had been taught to recite the whole Bible and made arrangements for me to purchase it and I gifted it to Mama. After the celebration they got a note a while later. Michael the house you built is so large and I live in One room but have to clean the whole house.Thank you anyway. Milton The theatre you had installed for me holds 25 and all my friends are dead I am deaf and nearly blind so don't use it.Thanks but. Marvin I get my groceries delivered I am too old to travel so don't use the Mercedes.Thank you. Melvin you are the only son to give a little thought to your gift.That chicken was delicious Thank you so much. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sairyinthat Posted September 20, 2016 Share Posted September 20, 2016 What's more satisfying than winning a Gold medal at the Paralympics. Walking. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sairyinthat Posted September 20, 2016 Share Posted September 20, 2016 At the Blondes are Not stupid convention,the organiser calls for a volunteer to show the world the truth. He asks his volunteer what is 15+15 ehm 62 wrong he said the blond audience chant give her another chance. Okay the he say's what is 10 + 10 uhm 90 she say's afraid it's wrong again.Chants start again give her another chance Well he say's one Last chance what is 2+2 ponders 4. Give her another chance chants the blonde audience. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckyBatistuta Posted September 20, 2016 Share Posted September 20, 2016 Tony Valenti Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sairyinthat Posted September 20, 2016 Share Posted September 20, 2016 Lawyer calls first witness,Asks the old dear do you know me Mrs Jones? Yes I do Mr Williams since you were a boy and frankly you've been a big disappointment to me,you Lie you cheat on your Wife and you manipulate people and think your a big shot you haven't the brains to realize your a two bit paper pusher who'll never amount to nothing.Yes I know you. Stunned and at a loss what to say he points at the defence counsel.Why yes I do known Mr.Bradley since he was a youngster as well he's Lazy,Bigoted and has a drink problem.He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his Law practise is one of the worst in the city.Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three other women one of which was your wife.Yes I know him. The defence lawyer nearly died The judge called both lawyers to the bench and said quietly if any of you idiots ask her if she knows me I am sendind you straight to the cells Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted September 20, 2016 Share Posted September 20, 2016 image.jpeg Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted September 20, 2016 Share Posted September 20, 2016 What's more satisfying than winning a Gold medal at the Paralympics. Walking. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckyBatistuta Posted September 20, 2016 Share Posted September 20, 2016 What's more satisfying than winning a Gold medal at the Paralympics. Walking. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sairyinthat Posted September 20, 2016 Share Posted September 20, 2016 Convict escapes and breaks in to a house, finds a couple in bed and orders the guy out and sit on a chair.Gets in to bed beside the wife and is over her and at her neck,he the gets up and goes to the toilet.Husband says to the wife that is a prisoner who probably hasn't been with a woman in 15 years be brave and don't resist him or he will probably kill us you saw how he was kissing your neck.He was not kissing me he was whispering in my ear he's Gay and wanted to know if we had any Vaseline I told him we had some in the toilet. Be Brave Honey. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deesidejambo Posted September 20, 2016 Share Posted September 20, 2016 Mr Smith gets a call from the GP Hello Mr Smith its about your wife, I'm afraid we've mixed up the test results with another Mrs Smith. So your wife either has Aids or Alzheimers. Oh - so how can I find out which? Well, take her into town and drop her off in the town centre. If she finds her way home, don't **** her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Watt-Zeefuik Posted September 21, 2016 Share Posted September 21, 2016 (edited) A Hibs fan is short on money so he decides to kidnap his neighbor's kid and hold him for ransom. So he nabs the kid from school, then tapes a note to the kid's chest that reads: "Send the kid back to my house with ?10,000 or you'll never see the kid again. -- The Hibee" Very satisfied, he sends the kid back to his own house and goes to sleep. The next day, the doorbell rings. The kid is standing at the door, holding ?10,000, with a sign taped to his chest that reads, "Here's your dirty money. How could you do this to a fellow hibee?!?" Edited September 21, 2016 by Ugly American Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
highlandjambo3 Posted September 24, 2016 Share Posted September 24, 2016 A white horse walks into a bar and asks for a pint...........barman says "we have a whiskey named after you".............. horse replies "what........Eric?" TAXI Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stuart Lyon Posted September 24, 2016 Share Posted September 24, 2016 Aaah - Highland Jambo spells whisky wrongly what are we coming to - unless it was Irish or American whiskey the barman was referring to. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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