Unashamedly crap jokes (some are pure gold!)

[superjack]

There's this old boy who keeps going out and getting plastered. Eventually his wife tells him if he comes home drunk again she'll leave.

Nonetheless he goes out. He drinks a lot and throws up all over himself. He turns to his friend and asks what he can do. His friend comes up with a plan - ?Go home,? he says. ?Tell your wife someone threw up on you. And put a twenty pound note inside your jacket pocket. Show her the money and tell her the other man gave it to you for the dry cleaning bill.?

So this he does. His wife is at first angry. But he explains and tells her about the drunk man who threw up on him and shows her the twenty pounds.

She looks puzzled and asks ?But why have you got two ?20 notes??

?Oh,? he says. ?The other one is from the man who shat in my pants.?

[Locky]

That's the story of how sairyinthat had to sell his house in Shotts.

[I P Knightley]

There's this old boy who keeps going out and getting plastered. Eventually his wife tells him if he comes home drunk again she'll leave.

Nonetheless he goes out. He drinks a lot and throws up all over himself. He turns to his friend and asks what he can do. His friend comes up with a plan - ?Go home,? he says. ?Tell your wife someone threw up on you. And put a twenty pound note inside your jacket pocket. Show her the money and tell her the other man gave it to you for the dry cleaning bill.?

So this he does. His wife is at first angry. But he explains and tells her about the drunk man who threw up on him and shows her the twenty pounds.

She looks puzzled and asks ?But why have you got two ?20 notes??

?Oh,? he says. ?The other one is from the man who shat in my pants.?

Was it Clement Freud who told that on TV years ago? Someone with a very plummy accent - very well told.

[LeftBack]

Sad to hear sir Chris hoy has been stripped of Olympic medals and knighthood because of drugs. He has been peddling for years.

[jb102]

Sad to hear sir Chris hoy has been stripped of Olympic medals and knighthood because of drugs. He has been peddling for years.

OOOft.

Careful what you wish for.

[Morgan]

Sad to hear sir Chris hoy has been stripped of Olympic medals and knighthood because of drugs. He has been peddling for years.

Fat bottomed girls.

[Morgan]

Sad to hear sir Chris hoy has been stripped of Olympic medals and knighthood because of drugs. He has been peddling for years.

Motorbiking.

Edited September 25, 2016 by Morgan

[Jeff]

I can't eat Egyptian food because afterwards I always falafel

[iantjambo]

Why did the mushroom go to so many parties?

 

Because he's a fungi.

[Debut 4]

A bloke tapped on my door late last night asking to talk to my carpet...I thought, "thats the last thing I need at this time of night....a Je-hoovers Witness".....

[Stuart Lyon]

Debut 4 - should it not be asked to speak to your carpet cleaner?

[Sidsnot]

Scotsman and an Englishman walk into a bakery.

 

The Englishman steals 3 buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Scotsman , "That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn't even see me."

 

The Scotsman replied, "Jings laddie that's just simple thievery, I'll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results."

 

The Scotsman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says, "Sir, I want to show you a magic trick." The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick.

 

The Scotsman asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it. He asked 2 more times and after eating them again the owner says, "Okay my friend, where's the magic trick?".

 

The Scotsman then said, "Look in the Englishman's pockets."

[Sidsnot]

Two ducks are flying over Belfast,one says to the other Quack Quack,the other duck replied I'm going as quack as I can.

[Sidsnot]

My wife and kids are leaving me because of my obsession with horse racing.....they're at the door now...... ....and they're off .

[Illustrious]

When my wife left me I was sad, upset and lonely.

 

Since then I've got a dog, brought a big motorbike, shagged two women and spent about a grand on drink and drugs.

 

She'll go ****ing mental when she gets home from work!

[deesidejambo]

Guy walks into a fishmongers with a salmon under his arm.

 

Do you see fishcakes in here?

 

Yes sir of course.

 

Well give me one for Sammy here, its his birthday.

[deesidejambo]

Guy walks into B&Q

 

Hey its about that bath you sold me, the water doesn't stay in it.

 

Sir, did you put the plug in?

 

Why?  Is it electric?

[Getintaethem]

Wrong fred

Edited October 1, 2016 by Getintaethem

[Morgan]

When my wife left me I was sad, upset and lonely.

Since then I've got a dog, brought a big motorbike, shagged two women and spent about a grand on drink and drugs.

She'll go ******* mental when she gets home from work!

[Watt-Zeefuik]

It's loads better now, but we used to say that American beer was like sex in a canoe.

 

F---ing close to water.

[Stuart Lyon]

"Doctor, doctor can I have a second opinion?"

 

Yes come back tomorrow!

[sairyinthat]

guy boards a plane with lobsters in a box,presses the call button for the air hostess and asks her to put the crabs in the freezer cabinet.

Warns her that she must not let them thaw or there will be dire consequences as he is a lawyer and there will be hell to pay.

Later in the flight the planes tannoy opens and the air hostess asks will the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleons raise his hand. Nobody moved so she took them home and ate them.

[Sawdust Caesar]

"The train arriving at platforms 2, 3, 6 and 7.........is coming in sideways."

[aussieh]

guy boards a plane with lobsters in a box,presses the call button for the air hostess and asks her to put the crabs in the freezer cabinet.

Warns her that she must not let them thaw or there will be dire consequences as he is a lawyer and there will be hell to pay.

Later in the flight the planes tannoy opens and the air hostess asks will the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleons raise his hand. Nobody moved so she took them home and ate them.

What happened to guys lobsters?

[sairyinthat]

I was in the pub beside this dame who was tidy,she caught me sneaking looks at her figure and asked what I was looking at.

I said I was trying to guess her date of birth which I could do by handling her breasts.she scrutinised me for a bit then said okay then prove it.After about ten minutes she said well then when was I born.

Yeaterday I said,got six stitches.

[Morgan]

guy boards a plane with lobsters in a box,presses the call button for the air hostess and asks her to put the crabs in the freezer cabinet.

Warns her that she must not let them thaw or there will be dire consequences as he is a lawyer and there will be hell to pay.

Later in the flight the planes tannoy opens and the air hostess asks will the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleons raise his hand. Nobody moved so she took them home and ate them.

She ate the crabs and left the poor lobsters on the plane?

 

Edited October 4, 2016 by Morgan

[sairyinthat]

same pub a horror came up behind me  and grabbed my arse,Oh cute she said have you got a phone number.Yes do you have a pen?I do she said,well you better get back in it before the farmer misses you.Broken nose that time.

[Maple Leaf]

"Doctor, doctor can I have a second opinion?"

 

Yes come back tomorrow!

Doctor:  I think you have cancer.

 

Patient:  I want a second opinion.

 

Doctor:  OK, you're ugly as well.

[superjack]

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinian, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahamian, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans, walk into a very fine restaurant.

 

After scrutinizing the group, the Maitre D says,

 

"I'm sorry......

 

You can't come in here without a Thai. "

[Morgan]

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinian, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahamian, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans, walk into a very fine restaurant.

After scrutinizing the group, the Maitre D says,

"I'm sorry......

You can't come in here without a Thai. "

FFS!

[deesidejambo]

What's white and slides across the floor?

 

Come Dancing.

 

 

 

Whars white and slides strictly across the floor?

 

Ach **** it.

[mrmarkus1981]

Doctor doctor, I feel like a coconut.

 

Your bounty

 

Sent from my LG-H850 using Tapatalk

[@VladMagic]

Whats the difference between a Glaswegian woman and a walrus?

 

Ones got a mustache and smells of fish, the other ones a walrus.

[superjack]

Went to weight watchers last night.

Opened a pack of maltesers and threw them all over the floor.

best game of hungry hippos I've ever seen.

[Swanny17]

Liked the one from last year:

 

What's the difference between a Zippo and a Hippo? One's really heavy the others a little lighter.

[Watt-Zeefuik]

Went to weight watchers last night.

Opened a pack of maltesers and threw them all over the floor.

best game of hungry hippos I've ever seen.

 

Taking a turn from the jokes for a moment to tell a version of this that's a true story.

 

My home town, Durham, NC, is home to the Duke Rice Diet clinic, which is basically a fat farm that decades ago saw a wide range of celebrities come through to lose weight over the years.  This included the real Colonel Sanders, Elvis, William Rosenburg  (the founder of Dunkin' Doughnuts), Dom Delouise, and Buddy Hackett. (Delouise famously walked into a room where Rosenburg and Sanders were sitting, pointed to them, and said, "look, it's the guys that got us all in here!")

 

The story goes that someone (some say it was Hackett, others say it was someone else) got tired of the authoritarian style of Dr. Kempner, the German doctor who ran the place, as well as the gossip and back-biting that happened there and went and got a small dump truck and bought a couple palettes worth of Snickers bars.  He then backed the truck up to the front door of the clinic and dumped them there.

[luckyBatistuta]

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinian, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahamian, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans, walk into a very fine restaurant.

After scrutinizing the group, the Maitre D says,

"I'm sorry......

You can't come in here without a Thai. "

hope you copied and pasted that...phew.

[Ryan Jarman]

What does Barbie like to do on Halloween?

 

Pump Ken. 

[Armageddon]

Stolen from my mates Facebook - brutal

 

Just heard a rumour that Sir Paul McCartney is already arguing with his new wife. Apparently she is spending twice as much on shoes as his last wife did.

[¼½¾]

What does Barbie like to do on Halloween?

 

Pump Ken. 

 

Or Hibs fans?

 

Pump kin.

[@VladMagic]

Guy walks into a bar with a gun.

 

"Which one of you sons of bitches had sex with my wife??"

 

Silence..

 

Voice from back of the bar pipes up "You aint got enough bullets in that there gun son"

[aussieh]

A Scotsman, Englishman and Indian go skydiving.

 

The Scotsman jumps out and shouts "GERONIMO"

Then the Englishman jumps out and shouts "GERONIMO"

Lastly the Indian jumps out and shouts "MEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeee"

[Morgan]

Yeah and I see he bought his previous wife a plane for her birthday.

And a Lady Shave for her other leg.

[Swanny17]

Apparently they're not making shortbread any longer.

[King Of The Cat Cafe]

A bunch of guys are sitting around the boundary at a cricket match between Some Team and Somewhere Else.

One turns to another and says:

"Harry, you are a smart guy, can you answer a question for me?"

So Harry says: "I'll have a go, Bobby."

Bobby says: "If a man has a 16-inch d*ck, how much does he weigh?"

Harry thinks for a moment and says "No idea, how much."

Bobby says: "Twelve stone eight."

Finally, inevitably, Harry says "How do you reckon that?"

And Bobby says: "I weighed myself this morning." *

 

 

 

 

True story, you see, my name is Bobby.

[superjack]

A mate of mine who works in the Nestl? factory was involved in an accident that resulted in a serious injury. He works on the warehouse and a pallet of chocolates fell off a shelf 50 foot up and landed on him. He tried to get help but to no avail, every time he shouted out "the milky bars are on me" everyone else just cheered.

[superjack]

A mate of mine who works in the Nestl? factory was involved in an accident that resulted in a serious injury. He works on the warehouse and a pallet of chocolates fell off a shelf 50 foot up and landed on him. He tried to get help but to no avail, every time he shouted out "the milky bars are on me" everyone else just cheered.

[Maple Leaf]

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinian, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahamian, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans, walk into a very fine restaurant.

 

After scrutinizing the group, the Maitre D says,

 

"I'm sorry......

 

You can't come in here without a Thai. "

I used this one today, but a much, much shorter version.  It got suitable groans, then laughter, so it's a good one! 

[superjack]

A young man moved from his parents home into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

 

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

 

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

 

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.

 

The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

 

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

 

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

 

Now completely nude, she purred at him,

 

"What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."

 

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere, so how can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?!"

 

Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming, that was me..."

[I P Knightley]

I was just diagnosed as colour-blind.

 

I must say, it hit me like a bolt from the yellow.