Swanny17 Posted January 15, 2017 Share Posted January 15, 2017 Your just being a brat. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seymour M Hersh Posted January 15, 2017 Share Posted January 15, 2017 From off the ball yesterday. What do you call an alligator with a vest on? An investigator! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jambothump Posted January 15, 2017 Share Posted January 15, 2017 On the tour bus today, coming up Johnstone Terrace, passed the Wee Frees church. I explained to the tourists they were very strict religious sect, they never made love standing up, that, may have led to dancing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unknown user Posted January 16, 2017 Author Share Posted January 16, 2017 We're 23 pages and 1100+ posts of crap in and I've just realised what's missing - actual Viz crap jokes Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iantjambo Posted January 16, 2017 Share Posted January 16, 2017 We're 23 pages and 1100+ posts of crap in and I've just realised what's missing - actual Viz crap jokes Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unknown user Posted January 16, 2017 Author Share Posted January 16, 2017 brilliant Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unknown user Posted January 16, 2017 Author Share Posted January 16, 2017 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted January 16, 2017 Share Posted January 16, 2017 Jonno - the cartoon version. In comics from next week. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pharmaceutical01 Posted January 16, 2017 Share Posted January 16, 2017 What did the leper say to the prostitute...? Keep the tip.. Sent from my D2303 using Tapatalk Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jambojay84 Posted January 16, 2017 Share Posted January 16, 2017 A lady's been visiting a bar all week on her own and ordering 2 voddie/cokes drinking 1 and throwing the other down her knickers, again she comes to the bar "2 voddie/cokes please"barman gets her drinks and she promptly drinks 1 and before she grabs the other 1 the barman asks her why she's doing this to which the lady replies I've just won the lottery and that's the only **** I'll buy a drink for Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JWL Posted January 16, 2017 Share Posted January 16, 2017 https://www.bing.com/images/search?q=viz+cartoon+jokes&view=detailv2&&id=B3B359B45CCC24854D4678B5033E608E1AC5C816&selectedIndex=91&ccid=gmVfOGz2&simid=608054846576199454&thid=OIP.M82655f386cf697f76e136a79479d3cafo0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unknown user Posted January 16, 2017 Author Share Posted January 16, 2017 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazzas right boot Posted January 16, 2017 Share Posted January 16, 2017 There's a terrible fire in an Irish bar. On evaluating and clearing the ghastly scene, workers start to remove the bodies. As they are doing so, one of the workers starts to move the burnt frames that were all lined up against the bar. As he's moving them, one by one, he gets along to one who shouts out_"aaagh" "Quick, over here, we have a survivor" he shouts. As he's getting treatment, the worker asks the Irishman " Before you go to the hospital, I have one question, why are all you guys lined up against the bar with your hands against it, why didn't you run out the fire escape?" The injured Irishman, replies "We did, but when we got to the fire exit, it said push bar to open!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted January 16, 2017 Share Posted January 16, 2017 https://www.bing.com/images/search?q=viz+cartoon+jokes&view=detailv2&&id=B3B359B45CCC24854D4678B5033E608E1AC5C816&selectedIndex=91&ccid=gmVfOGz2&simid=608054846576199454&thid=OIP.M82655f386cf697f76e136a79479d3cafo0They had a similar one with a bloke in a phone box, saying down the line, "I've got to hang up now, there go the pips." In the background, there's three blokes in suits singing, "Leavin' on the midnight train... Woo! Woo!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Swanny17 Posted January 16, 2017 Share Posted January 16, 2017 Hear about the Dutchman with inflatable shoes? He's popped his clogs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Swanny17 Posted January 16, 2017 Share Posted January 16, 2017 Guy up my street holds the world record for concussions. He lives 2 doors up, just a stones throw away.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unknown user Posted January 16, 2017 Author Share Posted January 16, 2017 (edited) Actually 'd at this one Edited January 16, 2017 by Smithee Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazzas right boot Posted January 16, 2017 Share Posted January 16, 2017 Actually 'd at this one Ha ha, just laughed out loud on The train Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted January 16, 2017 Share Posted January 16, 2017 Ha ha, just laughed out loud on The train Why was that? The cups of tea arenae that dear.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JWL Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 They had a similar one with a bloke in a phone box, saying down the line, "I've got to hang up now, there go the pips." In the background, there's three blokes in suits singing, "Leavin' on the midnight train... Woo! Woo!" Tried to find another one where there is a ship sailing in stormy seas with the crew belting out 'Welcome to the House of Fun'................2 guys talking on the pier and one says 'It's Madness going to sea in this!' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LSD Eindhoven Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 (edited) Edited January 17, 2017 by LSD Eindhoven Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JWL Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unknown user Posted January 17, 2017 Author Share Posted January 17, 2017 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PortyJambo Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King Of The Cat Cafe Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 Not a joke as such, but a sketch from a very old Jim Davidson show. (I know, I know , but 15 was a very impressionable age) Jim is walking through an office building, may even have been a hospital, and there are signs everywhere. He sees a door marked "push" and he pushes it. He sees a door marked "pull" and he pulls it. He sees an arrow pointing down and he goes down...you get the drift. No words are spoken. Then he goes around a corner and meets a generously endowed woman. She has a name badge on her right breast. It says "Pat"... (Still no words spoken but Davidson looks straight into the camera and smiles broadly.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boof Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 The difference between fish and meat? You can beat your fish in public without getting arrested. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 The Irishman Patrick died, and his friends decided to hold a typical Irish wake to send Patrick off properly. Paddy?s house was packed with people, and Patrick was laid out in his coffin, and the coffin was placed in the middle of the parlour floor. When the wake had been in full swing for several hours, and all the guests were more than a little intoxicated, the local priest dropped in to pay his respects. When he saw Patrick on the floor he was shocked. ?This is terrible? he said to Patrick?s best friend, ?You can?t leave the poor man lying on the floor like that.? ?But what else can we do, Father? The table is covered with food and drink.? ?There are lots of chairs in the house,? said the priest. ?Put three chairs in a row, and place the coffin on the chairs. That will be much more respectful.? ?Right you are, Father,? said the friend, then he turned to the people in the room. ?Ladies and chentlemen,? he called out. ?I need three chairs for Patrick.? And the crowd roared back, ?Hip Hip, Hooray. Hip Hip, Hooray. Hip Hip, Hooray?. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brick Tamland Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 Guy comes in from a hard days graft and plumps himself in the sofa and shouts to his wife "quick,quick get me a beer before it starts" wife brings him a cold beer and he necks it in seconds..."quick, quick get me another before it starts" she obliges and he necks that one too..."quick,quick get me another before it starts" wife says "if you think I'm going to be running after you all night you've got another thing coming" Husband replies.... "That's it, it's started" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darren Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Say What Again Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 A man was on business in Dakota and ends up with the afternoon to himself, so he decides to take in a bit of the local scenery. While wandering around town he sees a coach trip advertised 'MEET CHIEF RUNNING CLOUD OF THE SIOUX - THE MAN WITH THE GREATEST MEMORY ON EARTH'. Intrigued and with the afternoon to himself, he decides to take the trip and meet the chief. The coach makes its way through the Great Plains and up into the Black Hills, where it reaches a small Indian reservation, and comes to a stop. Standing silently at the edge of a cliff, arms folded, wearing a huge Indian headdress, stands the chief. The tour guide introduces him as Chief Running Cloud, who possess the greatest memory of any man alive, and encourages anyone on the trip to ask him a question. The businessman steps forward and asks "What did you have for breakfast on June 4th, 1977?" The chief, still with arms folded, answers straight away "Eggs". The businessman is amazed at the chiefs memory and gets back on the coach suitably impressed. 12 years later he finds himself back in Dakota on business and wonders if the chief is still alive. As soon as he's finished for the day he returns to where he took the trip and sure enough, the sign is still there. 'MEET CHIEF RUNNING CLOUD OF THE SIOUX - THE MAN WITH THE GREATEST MEMORY ON EARTH'. Eager to see the chief again he books up straight away and takes the trip that afternoon. Again the coach winds through the Black Hills and stops at the reservation. There at the same spot on the edge of the cliff, arms folded, stands the chief. Keen to speak to the chief again he bustles to the front and when the guide asks if anyone would like to ask a question, he steps forward. Confidently he approaches the chief and in traditional Indian greeting, he raises his palm and says "HOW". To which the chief replies.... "Scrambled". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boof Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in process. A sign read: "Don't Miss The Amazing Shetlander". The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Shetland crofter. Suddenly the old man flipped back his oilskins, whipped out his huge member and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Shetlander was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd. Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw the faded sign for the same circus and the same sign "Don't Miss The Amazing Shetlander". He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated. This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table. The Shetlander stood before them, then suddenly flipped back his oilskin breeks and smashed the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild! Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show. "You're incredible!" he told the old Shetlander. "But I have to know something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?" "Weel, du sees," said the Shetlander, "Me eyes ir no whit dey used tae be!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jb102 Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 I once had sex with two Thai girls at the same time. It was like winning the lottery. We had six matching balls. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rudi must stay Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 Police have reported an incident at a local chippie The fish was battered and the chips were salted Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 The teacher asked the class to use the word ?fascinate? in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said, ?My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating." The teacher said, ?That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ?fascinate,? not 'fascinating'.? Sally raised her hand. She said, ?My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.? The teacher said, ?Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ?fascinate?.? Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word ?fascinate,? so she called on him. Johnny said, ?My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!? The teacher sat down and cried. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sidsnot Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 A Japanese couple are arguing about how to perform highly erotic sex. Husband: Sukitaki. Mojitaka! Wife: Kowanini! Mowi janakpa! Husband (angrily): Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo! Wife (on her knees literally begging): Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji! Husband (Shouts angrily): Na miaou kina Tim kouji! Wife. Me Ning Darla........ I can't believe you folk just sat there trying to read this - you don't know a word of Japanese!! You'll read anything as long as it's about sex. Ha soooooo. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazzas right boot Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 Police have reported an incident at a local chippie The fish was battered and the chips were salted Classic Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Swanny17 Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 I damaged the end of my snooker cue and don't know how to fix it. Anyone any tips? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trotter Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 I threw a surprise bukkake party for the wife. Everybody came. You should've seen her face Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Watt-Zeefuik Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 (edited) I threw a surprise bukkake party for the wife. Everybody came. You should've seen her face Edited January 19, 2017 by Ugly American Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Swanny17 Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 Got another problem with my snooker cue, I think you know the rest... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Armageddon Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of 'I'm a celebrity, get me out of here!' Show bosses think she will do really well since she's been living off a dead Beatle for the last thirty six years ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King Of The Cat Cafe Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 ( Here's hoping it is a night off for all mods) So, Prince Phillip is visiting Leicester Square one night and is admiring all the neon advertising signs. In one corner he spots a guy sitting in a hut beside a brazier to keep warm. Phillip asks him "What is it you do?" The guy replies "I'm an O watcher." Phil says " What does that actually entail?" The guy points to a sign that states COUNTLESS WOMEN USE TAMPAX and says "I'm here in case the O goes out..." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deesidejambo Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 ( Here's hoping it is a night off for all mods) So, Prince Phillip is visiting Leicester Square one night and is admiring all the neon advertising signs. In one corner he spots a guy sitting in a hut beside a brazier to keep warm. Phillip asks him "What is it you do?" The guy replies "I'm an O watcher." Phil says " What does that actually entail?" The guy points to a sign that states COUNTLESS WOMEN USE TAMPAX and says "I'm here in case the O goes out..." 10/10 More more. The mods will be watching Silent Witness or something. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rudi must stay Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 What did the robot say to the petrol pump? Take your finger out your ear when I'm talking to you Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rudi must stay Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 Who was the funniest footballer? Ryan Giggles Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 What do you call a dothraki leader riding a squid? Khal amari. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iantjambo Posted January 20, 2017 Share Posted January 20, 2017 What do you call a dothraki leader riding a squid? Khal amari. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unknown user Posted January 20, 2017 Author Share Posted January 20, 2017 What do you call a dothraki leader riding a squid? Khal amari. There are obviously references in here but buggered if I know what they are! This is my stepdads favorite because it's a double pun Know how they found iron? They smelt it Anyway, back to funny.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Real Maroonblood Posted January 20, 2017 Share Posted January 20, 2017 ( Here's hoping it is a night off for all mods) So, Prince Phillip is visiting Leicester Square one night and is admiring all the neon advertising signs. In one corner he spots a guy sitting in a hut beside a brazier to keep warm. Phillip asks him "What is it you do?" The guy replies "I'm an O watcher." Phil says " What does that actually entail?" The guy points to a sign that states COUNTLESS WOMEN USE TAMPAX and says "I'm here in case the O goes out..." Brilliant. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted January 20, 2017 Share Posted January 20, 2017 There's an email doing the rounds containing processed pork gelatine and salt. Don't open it folks as it's spam. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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