deesidejambo Posted December 14, 2016 Share Posted December 14, 2016 Hibs fan goes into a bar with a pig under his arm. Barman says ****s sake where did you get that? The Hibee says he rescued it from a farm. Barman says "I was talking to the pig" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sidsnot Posted December 14, 2016 Share Posted December 14, 2016 Have you had to walk 500 miles? Were you advised to walk 500 more? You could be entitled to compensation! Phone the ProClaimers,now!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sidsnot Posted December 14, 2016 Share Posted December 14, 2016 Obama, Hillary and Trump are standing at the throne of heaven. God looks at them and says, "Before granting you a place at my side, I must ask you what you have learned, what you believe in." God asks Obama first: 'What do you believe?' He thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says, 'I believe in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I was lucky, but I always tried to do right by my countrymen'. God can?t help but see the essential goodness of Obama and offers him a seat to his left. Then God turns to Hillary and says, 'What do you believe in?' Hillary says, 'I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are the fundamentals of life. Like Obama I believe in hard work. I, too, have been lucky, but win or lose, I've always tried to be a true patriot and a loyal American.' God is greatly moved by Hillary's high-pitched eloquence, and he offers her a seat to his right. Finally, God turns to Trump and says, 'And you, Donald, what do you believe?" Trump replies, "I believe you're sitting in my seat.' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Swanny17 Posted December 14, 2016 Share Posted December 14, 2016 Why is phonetic spelt with a P? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tazio Posted December 14, 2016 Share Posted December 14, 2016 How do you torture a scotsman? Nail his feet to the floor and play a Jimmy Shand record. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Coolio Posted December 14, 2016 Share Posted December 14, 2016 My Glaswegian mate has just got his kids a trampoline and bikes from the internet. I asked him what site he used and he said Google Earth. Very good. I will be repeating this one when in the company of my weegie mates. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Watt-Zeefuik Posted December 15, 2016 Share Posted December 15, 2016 The main difference between your mother and jelly is that at least jelly moves when I eat it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted December 15, 2016 Share Posted December 15, 2016 How do you torture a scotsman? Nail his feet to the floor and play a Jimmy Shand record. It's been a few days since I laughed at this thread, but that one did it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LeylandJambo Posted December 15, 2016 Share Posted December 15, 2016 One day in the future, Donald Trump has a heart-attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You're on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." Donald opens the door to the first room. In it was Barack Obama and a large pool of water. Barack kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell. "No," Donald said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and it would ruin my hair. I don't think I could do that all day long." The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, this is no good. I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Donald. The devil opened a third door. Through it, Donald saw Bill Clinton lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky doing what she does best. Donald looked at this in shocked disbelief and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this." The devil smiled and said..........."OK, Monica, you're free to go." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted December 15, 2016 Share Posted December 15, 2016 The main difference between your mother and jelly is that at least jelly moves when I eat it. I came home and found my mum pleasuring herself with a cucumber. "FFS, Mum! I've got to eat that later and now it's going to taste all of salad." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sawdust Caesar Posted December 15, 2016 Share Posted December 15, 2016 Hibs fan goes into a bar with a pig under his arm. Barman says ****s sake where did you get that? The Hibee says he rescued it from a farm. Barman says "I was talking to the pig" A Hibs fan walks into a pub with a frog stuck to his head. The barman asks "How did that get there?" The frog replies "It started off as a boil on my arse." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Beni of Gorgie Posted December 15, 2016 Share Posted December 15, 2016 In the Morayshire countryside, a man enters the little known Catholic Church in Burghead , and at confessional says to the Priest, "Faither, it has been one month since my last confession, and I've sinned wi' Fannie Reid every wik for the past month." The Priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Marys." Soon, another loon enters the confessional... "Faither, it has been twa months since my last confession. I have sinned wi' Fannie Reid twice a week for the past twa months." This time the Priest asks, "Fa is this Fannie Reid?" ?A new lassie in the neighbourhood, I think she's fae Portknockie and she's affa, affa bonny ! In fact, she looks a wee bit like Judy Garland in the Wizard of Oz" the sinner replies. "Very well," says the Priest. "Go and say ten Hail Marys." The next morning in church, the Priest is preparing to deliver his sermon, when a beautiful woman, looking a little bit like Judy Garland, with a tiny dog a little bit like Toto enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her as she goes up the aisle, and sits down in front of the Altar.Her dress is very short, and she is wearing shiny ruby red shoes. The Priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style. The Priest turns to the altar boy and asks in a whisper, "Is that Fannie Reid?" The altar boy replies ... .............. "A dinna think so Faither, a think it's jist the reflection fae her shoes! Belter Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted December 15, 2016 Share Posted December 15, 2016 A Hibs fan walks into a pub with a frog stuck to his head. The barman asks "How did that get there?" The frog replies "It started off as a boil on my arse." Hibs fans jokes are the best. Hibs fans are jokes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unknown user Posted December 16, 2016 Author Share Posted December 16, 2016 Two women sitting in a doctor's waiting room, which ones on holiday? The one with the wee cough Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted December 16, 2016 Share Posted December 16, 2016 Buying a Dog A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden. The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there. "Do you really talk?" he asks the dog. "Yes," the Labrador replies. After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks, "So, tell me your story." The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I joined the SAS. "In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping. "I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired." The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog. "Ten quid," the owner says. "?10!!? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?" "Because he's a lying *******. He was only in the Raf regiment !!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
samgolden Posted December 16, 2016 Share Posted December 16, 2016 Mummy bee and Daddy bee are getting divorced and the go to court to see who get custody of baby Bee and all they do is argue this and argue that when the judge intervenes and said I am fed up with this arguing and says let baby bee decide who he wants to stay with so he asks him do you want to stay with Mummy Bee no he replies she Beats me ok do you want to stay with Daddy bee no he Beats me too ok so who do you want to stay with he replies I want to stay with the HIBEES they don't beat anybody Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Swanny17 Posted December 16, 2016 Share Posted December 16, 2016 They say "a woman's work is never done". Probably why they get paid less. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dawnrazor Posted December 16, 2016 Share Posted December 16, 2016 They say "a woman's work is never done". Probably why they get paid less. I'm all for equal pay for women, that's why I think they should be allowed to work loads of overtime, so they can. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted December 16, 2016 Share Posted December 16, 2016 Bloke is standing next to another bloke in the gents. One of them is dressed in a dinner suit and when he unzips his flies feathers start flying all over the place. He had been at a doo the night before. Pigeon English as usual from J the J. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Gentleman Posted December 17, 2016 Share Posted December 17, 2016 "Is that the Edinburgh Evening News"asks Hamish. "How much would it be to put an advert in your paper?" "Five pounds an inch," a woman replies. "Why? What are you selling?" "A ten-foot ladder," said Hamish before slamming the phone down. Agnes Reid, fae Peterheid, walks up to the classifieds counter at the Aberdeen Press & Journal and hands over a slip of paper. It reads, "Peter Reid, fae Peterheid, is deid." The counter clerk says, "I'm awfy sorry tae hear aboot the passing o' yer man Mrs Reid, but dae ye no' think the message is..........jist a wee bit short?" "Och", says Agnes indignantly, "ah cannae be affordin yin o' they long-winded obityurries." "A'll tell ye whit i'll dae fir ye", says the clerk, "A'll gie ye an extra line, for free. How does that sound?" "A'richt", says Agnes, "I'll awa' and gie it a thocht." The next morning Agnes rocks up to the counter and hands over her slip of paper. This time, it reads: "Peter Reid, fae Peterheid, is deid. Volvo for sale." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted December 17, 2016 Share Posted December 17, 2016 DRINK DRIVING - BE CAREFUL OUT THERE! A warning to be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to Christmas and most police forces are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks (as you do...). One thing lead to another and after a few whisky shots and a couple of beers... I finished off with my favourite single malt (just the one for the road!) Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at the pub and took the last bus home. Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint at the top of the road where they were pulling over vehicles and performing breathalyser tests. Because it was a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise, as I've never driven a bus before and I am not even sure where I got it from... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sidsnot Posted December 21, 2016 Share Posted December 21, 2016 What do you call a big fat psychic? A four chin teller. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dawnrazor Posted December 21, 2016 Share Posted December 21, 2016 What do you call a female Clown? A Clunt. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sidsnot Posted December 21, 2016 Share Posted December 21, 2016 Teacher - Can anyone tell me the name of Robin Hoods girlfriend. Little Jimmy - Yes Miss,it was Trudy Glen. Teacher - No Jimmy, the most popular answer would be Maid Marion. Little Jimmy - But Miss, what about the song. Robin Hood, Robin Hood riding Trudy Glen..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sidsnot Posted December 21, 2016 Share Posted December 21, 2016 Paddy Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday & the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with him & said, "Paddy Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?" Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat & I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine & I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass & figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion & steal McGlynn's hat." The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?" Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all." With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile & said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?" Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I had left it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aussieh Posted December 21, 2016 Share Posted December 21, 2016 What do you call a female Clown? A Clunt. A funny clunt Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LeftBack Posted December 21, 2016 Share Posted December 21, 2016 (edited) Teacher - Can anyone tell me the name of Robin Hoods girlfriend. Little Jimmy - Yes Miss,it was Trudy Glen. Teacher - No Jimmy, the most popular answer would be Maid Marion. Little Jimmy - But Miss, what about the song. Robin Hood, Robin Hood riding Trudy Glen..... Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in maths "Why?"asks the father? The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3', I said " 6 " replies Johnny. But that's right!" "Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'" "What's the f****** difference? " "That's what I said!" Edited December 21, 2016 by LeftBack Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LeftBack Posted December 21, 2016 Share Posted December 21, 2016 A teacher asks her class to use the word ?contagious?. Andy, the class swot, gets up and says, ?Last year I got the measles and my Mum said it was contagious.? ?Well done, Andy,? says the teacher. ?Can anyone else try?" Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, ?My grandma says there?s a bug going round, and it's contagious.? ?Well done, Katie," says the teacher. ?Anyone else?? Little Irish Johnny jumps up and says, ?Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two-inch brush and my Dad says it will take the contagious...? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted December 22, 2016 Share Posted December 22, 2016 Wife comes home and tells her husband about her trip to the gynaecologist "he told me nookie for a month". Husband says "how did your visit to the dentist go?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted December 22, 2016 Share Posted December 22, 2016 A teacher asks her class to use the word ?contagious?. [/size] Andy, the class swot, gets up and says, ?Last year I got the measles and my Mum said it was contagious.? [/size] ?Well done, Andy,? says the teacher. [/size] ?Can anyone else try?" Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, ?My grandma says there?s a bug going round, and it's contagious.?[/size] ?Well done, Katie," says the teacher. ?Anyone else??[/size] Little Irish Johnny jumps up and says, ?Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two-inch brush and my Dad says it will take the contagious...?[/size] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted December 26, 2016 Share Posted December 26, 2016 Man phones his wife from the hospital and tells her he's had his finger cut off in an accident at work, " Oh my god !" she cries..."the whole finger ?" " NAW !" he says...." the one next to it "..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Swanny17 Posted December 26, 2016 Share Posted December 26, 2016 Last Christmas I gave you my heart, but the very next day.......WHAM! Too soon? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted December 29, 2016 Share Posted December 29, 2016 A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Swanny17 Posted December 29, 2016 Share Posted December 29, 2016 I didn't realise how good I am on the telephone until I found out my call to customer service may be used for training purposes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted January 2, 2017 Share Posted January 2, 2017 Lots of people have been asking me what I'll be doing in 3 years. Come on guys, you know I wear glasses so I don't have 2020 vision. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aussieh Posted January 2, 2017 Share Posted January 2, 2017 Lots of people have been asking me what I'll be doing in 3 years. Come on guys, you know I wear glasses so I don't have 2020 vision. Just naw Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HamishMcGonagall Posted January 2, 2017 Share Posted January 2, 2017 What do you call a gay dinosaur? Mega-sore-ass Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HamishMcGonagall Posted January 2, 2017 Share Posted January 2, 2017 How do you know your little sister is on her period? Your dad's ****** tastes funny Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iantjambo Posted January 2, 2017 Share Posted January 2, 2017 Lots of people have been asking me what I'll be doing in 3 years. Come on guys, you know I wear glasses so I don't have 2020 vision. Ffs Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bauld Posted January 2, 2017 Share Posted January 2, 2017 A young boy walks into a brothel dragging a dead frog. He asks the man at the front desk if he can have a woman and the man says ''No, son. You have to be 18.'' The boy hands the man a one hundred dollar bill and the man tells him to go upstairs to Room 7. Then the boy asks the man if he can have a girl with active herpes. The man says ''No, I'm sorry, but all of our girls are clear.'' The boy hands him another one hundred dollar bill and the man tells him to go upstairs to Room 4. About twenty minutes later, the boy comes back and the man at the front desk asks the boy why he is dragging a dead frog and why he wanted a girl with herpes. ''Well, tonight when the babysitter comes over, I'll have sex with her and give her herpes. Then, when my dad takes her home, she will give it to him. Then, when my parents have sex tonight, my mom will get it too. Then tomorrow morning when my dad goes to work my mom will give herpes to the postman, and he's the ******* that ran over my frog!'' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dawnrazor Posted January 3, 2017 Share Posted January 3, 2017 What do call a woman who stands between two goal posts? Annette. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kmeister Posted January 3, 2017 Share Posted January 3, 2017 When I got home from work I asked my wife what she had been doing. "Gavin from Autoglass came round and filled my crack with his special resin." she replied. A bit odd I thought as she doesn't have a car. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King Of The Cat Cafe Posted January 3, 2017 Share Posted January 3, 2017 So, this Italian guy gets a job on a building site. Since no one can pronounce his name, they call him 'wog'. He does not like this, so complains to the foreman that it is offensive. "Look", says the foreman, "It is only a bit of fun. Your mates all have nicknames. One is from Scotland, so they call him "Mac". One is from the south of Ireland, so they call him "Paddy". One is from Wales, so he is called "Wack". The other is from the north of Ireland, so he is "Mick". A few days later, the Italian is back and complains bitterly. So, to have a quiet life, the foreman goes out of his office and shouts: Mick Mack Paddy Wack Leave the wog alone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted January 3, 2017 Share Posted January 3, 2017 So, this Italian guy gets a job on a building site. Since no one can pronounce his name, they call him 'wog'. He does not like this, so complains to the foreman that it is offensive. "Look", says the foreman, "It is only a bit of fun. Your mates all have nicknames. One is from Scotland, so they call him "Mac". One is from the south of Ireland, so they call him "Paddy". One is from Wales, so he is called "Wack". The other is from the north of Ireland, so he is "Mick". A few days later, the Italian is back and complains bitterly. So, to have a quiet life, the foreman goes out of his office and shouts: Mick Mack Paddy Wack Leave the wog alone. FFS! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King Of The Cat Cafe Posted January 4, 2017 Share Posted January 4, 2017 So, this Teddy Boy gets a job on a building site. On his second morning he discovers that his spade has been stolen overnight. On his third morning he discovers that his shovel has been stolen overnight. On his fourth morning he discovers that his hammer has been stolen overnight. On his fifth morning he discovers that his pick axe has been stolen overnight. So, he complains to the the foreman who says: "Don't you know? Today's the day the Teddy Boys get their picks nicked." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maroonlegions Posted January 5, 2017 Share Posted January 5, 2017 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deesidejambo Posted January 5, 2017 Share Posted January 5, 2017 Teacher to the P4 class at Methil Primary School - Right class I want to know who hid that contraceptive behind the radiator. Please miss - Whats a radiator? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted January 7, 2017 Share Posted January 7, 2017 Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven where they are met by St. Peter at the pearly gates. St. Peter says "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives, that I'm granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want". The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren" and POOF she's gone. The second says, "I want to be Madonna" and POOF she's gone. The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini". St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says. "Sara Pipalini" replies the nun. St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, that name just doesn't ring a bell." The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. "No Sister, he laughs, this says 'Sahara Pipeline, laid by 500 men in 7 days'!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted January 7, 2017 Share Posted January 7, 2017 Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven where they are met by St. Peter at the pearly gates. St. Peter says "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives, that I'm granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want". The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren" and POOF she's gone. The second says, "I want to be Madonna" and POOF she's gone. The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini". St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says. "Sara Pipalini" replies the nun. St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, that name just doesn't ring a bell." The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. "No Sister, he laughs, this says 'Sahara Pipeline, laid by 500 men in 7 days'!" Superjack keeps rolling them out Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King Of The Cat Cafe Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 So, this posh city worker misses his usual train out of London one night and decides to pass the time in a typical Cockney pub until the next train is due. After a couple of pints, he goes to the toilet and returns to find a dog has chewed his brand new hat. He is furious and challenges the dog's owner: "Look what your mongrel did to my new hat." The Cockney rebelliously says: "Pretty stupid of you to leave it down next to the dog in the first place." The businessman says: "Are you going to pay for the damage?" "Screw you mate, and screw your hat, too," says the Cockney. The businessman says "I don't like your attitude." The Cockney retorts "It's not my attitude, it's your bloomin' 'at 'e chewed." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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