1953 Posted September 1, 2016 Share Posted September 1, 2016 I went to the seaside today and saw what I can only describe as absolutely disgusting behaviour. I was on the seafront and saw a man and a woman having an almighty argument in front of loads of kids. Suddenly the woman smacked the guy in the head and it all kicked off. There was a massive brawl and someone called the police. This poor copper turned up on his own and took his baton to the man. The man managed to snatch it off him and began assaulting the policeman AND his poor wife! Then out of nowhere a crocodile crept up and stole all the sausages !! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
1953 Posted September 1, 2016 Share Posted September 1, 2016 A man joins a very exclusive nudist club. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?" The man replies, "No. What do you mean?" She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her. The man continues to explore the club's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him, "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man. "No. What do you mean?" says the newcomer. "You must be new here," says the hairy man, "It's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him. The newcomer staggers back to the club office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist. "May I help you?" she says. The man yells, "Here's my membership card back. You can have the key back too and you can keep the ?500 membership fee." "But, Sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities." The man replies, "Listen dear, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 15 or 20 times a day!" _________________ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tazio Posted September 1, 2016 Share Posted September 1, 2016 I went to the seaside today and saw what I can only describe as absolutely disgusting behaviour. I was on the seafront and saw a man and a woman having an almighty argument in front of loads of kids. Suddenly the woman smacked the guy in the head and it all kicked off. There was a massive brawl and someone called the police. This poor copper turned up on his own and took his baton to the man. The man managed to snatch it off him and began assaulting the policeman AND his poor wife! Then out of nowhere a crocodile crept up and stole all the sausages !! Nicely subtle. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
1953 Posted September 1, 2016 Share Posted September 1, 2016 A refuse collector , is driving along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his compactor. He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out, and in the spirit of kindness, and after having a quick look about for the bin, he gets out of his truck goes to the front door and knocks. There's no answer. Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again - a bit harder and then harder still. Eventually a Chinese man comes to the door. "Harro!" says the Chinese man. "Gidday, mate! Where's ya bin?" asks the collector. "I bin on toiret," explains the Chinese bloke, a bit perplexed. Realising the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again.. "No! No! Mate, where?s your dust bin?" "I dust been to toiret, I toll you!'' says the Chinese man, still perplexed. "Listen," says the collector. "You're misunderstanding me. Where's your wheelie' bin?'" "OK, OK." replies the Chinese man with a sheepish grin and whispers in the collector's ear. "I wheelie bin having sex wiffa wife's sista!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
1953 Posted September 1, 2016 Share Posted September 1, 2016 "Have you ever seen a twenty pound note all crumpled up?" asked the wife."No," I said.She gave me a sexy little smile, reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty pound note."Have you ever seen a fifty pound note all crumpled up?" she asked."No," I said.She gave me another sexy little smile, reached into her knickers and pulled out a crumpled fifty pound note."Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 20,000 pounds all crumpled up?""No," I said, intrigued."Well, go and take a quick look in the garage." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
1953 Posted September 1, 2016 Share Posted September 1, 2016 Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen." Husband texts back: "Pour some lukewarm water over it. Not too hot." Wife texts back: "Computer completely ****ed now." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
1953 Posted September 1, 2016 Share Posted September 1, 2016 Three little ducks went into a bar. "Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck. "Huey," the duck replied. "How's your day been, Huey?" asked the bartender. ... "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey. "Oh, that's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck and said, "Hi, and what's your name?" "Dewey," the second duck said. "So how's your day been, Dewey?" he asked. "Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball, too. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?" "No," she said, batting her eyelashes. "My name is Puddles." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
1953 Posted September 1, 2016 Share Posted September 1, 2016 I met a fairy today that granted me one wish."I want to live forever," I said."Sorry" said the fairy "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that"!"Fine" I said "I want to die after Scotland win the World Cup"."You crafty *******" said the fairy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robbo-Jambo Posted September 1, 2016 Share Posted September 1, 2016 A man joins a very exclusive nudist club. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?" The man replies, "No. What do you mean?" She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her. The man continues to explore the club's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him, "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man. "No. What do you mean?" says the newcomer. "You must be new here," says the hairy man, "It's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him. The newcomer staggers back to the club office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist. "May I help you?" she says. The man yells, "Here's my membership card back. You can have the key back too and you can keep the ?500 membership fee." "But, Sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities." The man replies, "Listen dear, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 15 or 20 times a day!" _________________ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
1953 Posted September 1, 2016 Share Posted September 1, 2016 Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women. Mixing the Renault "Clio" and the Ford "Taurus" they have designed the "Clitaurus." It comes in pink and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it. Rumour has it, though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month, and can often be a real bitch to start in the morning! Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over. New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain and horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel and the kerb weight typically increases with age. Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the boot increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger. This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one and replace it each year. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
1953 Posted September 1, 2016 Share Posted September 1, 2016 The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did. She's 21 and her name's Lucy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sawdust Caesar Posted September 1, 2016 Share Posted September 1, 2016 I have a feeling I read this joke on here but I can't be ersed trawling through the whole thread, so apologies if it is a repeat. A woman brought a very limp duck into a vet's surgery. As she laid her pet on the table the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two the vet shook his head sadly and said "I'm sorry, your duck Cuddles has passed away." The distressed owner wailed "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead." he replied. "How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room and returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his paws on the table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few minutes later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, mewed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck". He then turned to his computer, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill "?150!" she cried, "?150 just to tell me my duck is dead." The vet just shrugged and said "I'm sorry, If you had taken my word for it the bill would have been ?20, but with the Lab report and the Cat scan it's now ?150." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unknown user Posted September 1, 2016 Author Share Posted September 1, 2016 Two jobbies are in a toilet bowl, which one's the musketeer? The dark tan yin Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted September 2, 2016 Share Posted September 2, 2016 A female dwarf goes to a doctor complaining of an embarrassing itch in the groin area. The doctor looks her up and down, picks her up and stands her on his desk.. He lifts up her skirt and puts his head under. A little perplexed, she hears snip, snip, snip, snip. The doctor emerges from under her skirt. "How's that?" he asks "Well, it's a lot better actually" she says, "but...........it's still there." Undaunted, he dives back under her skirt. Snip, snip, snip,snip.. Out he comes. "How's that?" He asks again more confident. "That's wonderful! What did you do?" she asked. "I trimmed the top of your Ugg boots." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bauld Posted September 2, 2016 Share Posted September 2, 2016 The missus came home steaming drunk last night. "You up for some role play action, babe?" she asked with a wink. "Not really," I replied. "Oh, come on," she said. "We can act out ANY scene, from ANY film you want." Walking over to her with a huge smile on my face, I noticed her expression change. She had realised her mistake, however it was too late. Where I had previously seen arousal in her eyes, I now saw only blind terror... As I shouted, "THIS... IS... SPARTA!" and kicked her down the stairs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted September 2, 2016 Share Posted September 2, 2016 My mate was saying that when he took his bursd to meet his father for the first time, his da said "she's a keeper son". "How's do you know that da?" "She smells of elephant shite son." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Watt-Zeefuik Posted September 2, 2016 Share Posted September 2, 2016 The missus came home steaming drunk last night. "You up for some role play action, babe?" she asked with a wink. "Not really," I replied. "Oh, come on," she said. "We can act out ANY scene, from ANY film you want." Walking over to her with a huge smile on my face, I noticed her expression change. She had realised her mistake, however it was too late. Where I had previously seen arousal in her eyes, I now saw only blind terror... As I shouted, "THIS... IS... SPARTA!" and kicked her down the stairs. This is supposed to be funny? This thread was going so well too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
¼½¾ Posted September 2, 2016 Share Posted September 2, 2016 Did you hear about the gay Hibs fan who turned down a free round the world cruise? He didn't want to leave his brother's behind. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Watt-Zeefuik Posted September 2, 2016 Share Posted September 2, 2016 Friend of mine borrowed a pair of trousers. Only returned one of them, though. Arsehole. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aussieh Posted September 3, 2016 Share Posted September 3, 2016 Gay guy walks into a butcher's, "can I have a mince round?" "Aye on you go" says the butcher Gay guy walks into the greengrocer's and asks for a cucumber. "Would you like it sliced" asks the greengrocer. "What do you think my arse is, a piggybank?" says the gay guy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Swanny17 Posted September 3, 2016 Share Posted September 3, 2016 I used to be nostalgic. Those were the days. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aussieh Posted September 3, 2016 Share Posted September 3, 2016 Before Paddy walks into the pub, he picks up a dogshit. He walks over to Mick and says"Look what I nearly stood on" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aussieh Posted September 3, 2016 Share Posted September 3, 2016 (edited) Paddy and Mick walking home from the pub, the next minute paddy falls down a 10ft deep hole. So after a minute or two paddy asks "How the hell am I going to get out of here, Mick" Mick says" I'll shine my torch down and you can climb up the beam". Paddy bursts out laughing and says" Feck that, I'll get half way up and you'll turn it off". Edited September 3, 2016 by aussieh Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted September 3, 2016 Share Posted September 3, 2016 A rather fat wife runs into the kitchen and says to her husband "didn't you hear me fall down the stairs?" The husband replies "sorry love, I thought it was eastenders starting." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bauld Posted September 3, 2016 Share Posted September 3, 2016 Paddy and Mick walking home from the pub, the next minute paddy falls down a 10ft deep hole. So after a minute or two paddy asks "How the hell am I going to get out of here, Mick" Mick says" I'll shine my torch down and you can climb up the beam". Paddy bursts out laughing and says" Feck that, I'll get half way up and you'll turn it off". Is that the Jokers joke he tells batman in the killing joke? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iantjambo Posted September 3, 2016 Share Posted September 3, 2016 A rather fat wife runs into the kitchen and says to her husband "didn't you hear me fall down the stairs?" The husband replies "sorry love, I thought it was eastenders starting." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bauld Posted September 3, 2016 Share Posted September 3, 2016 After my prostate examination the doctor left, then the nurse came in & whispered 3 words that no man wants to hear "who was that?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aussieh Posted September 3, 2016 Share Posted September 3, 2016 A rather fat wife runs into the kitchen and says to her husband "didn't you hear me fall down the stairs?" The husband replies "sorry love, I thought it was eastenders starting." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Swanny17 Posted September 3, 2016 Share Posted September 3, 2016 Police came to my door tonight. "Sorry Sir, but it looks like your wife's been in an accident". "Aye, but she has a cracking personality" I replied. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unknown user Posted September 3, 2016 Author Share Posted September 3, 2016 Hear about the incontinent snail? He pished his shell (I probably posted this on page one, but it's been a while) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iantjambo Posted September 4, 2016 Share Posted September 4, 2016 Great minds. I told the family that and they were in hoots. Mind you the wine has been flowing.... Best joke of the day Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sairyinthat Posted September 4, 2016 Share Posted September 4, 2016 America's got talent compere introducing the acts. Now a big welcome to Simon(Simon limps on stage). I understand you were in an accident recently Simon,will you tell the viewers. Yeah my Uncles car smashed into a tree and both my legs got crushed from the waist down,and my Uncles chest got crushed. When we got to hospital my Uncle died on the gurney and I got Both legs amputated. But with the wonders of medicine they transplanted my Uncles legs on me and here I am today. Sad story that say's the compere,and what are you singing as tonight for us. Simon And Half-Uncle. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sairyinthat Posted September 4, 2016 Share Posted September 4, 2016 Two females walking the grounds of their Asylum amble past the swimming pool The older one jumps in and sinks to the bottom,after a bit the other dives in and pulls her out,turns her over and pounds her back till she starts coughing water.She then drags her in to the changing room and walks back to her room.Shortly after a nurse say's she is to go to the hospital shrink's office,once there the shrink tell her he has good and bad news for her.The good is due to her actions they realise she is now sane and is being sent home today.the Bad is despite her brave action the patient she rescued committed suicide in the changing room.How can that be I left her hanging on the coathook to dry.When am I going home. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sairyinthat Posted September 4, 2016 Share Posted September 4, 2016 Older guy in Rimini attends confession and confesses during the was an Jewish neighbour was hidden in his attic.No need for brave act to confess said the Priest,but there's more father two/three times weekly we had sex together.An understandable event in times of terror to comfort each other and if you really are sorry the you are forgiven.Thank you father that is a relief but I have one more question,and what is that ask's the priest.Should I tell her the war is Over. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sairyinthat Posted September 4, 2016 Share Posted September 4, 2016 Couple in New York decide thaw out from winter there by taking a holiday in Florida where they honeymooned 25 years before. They could not schedule leaving together the same day so the husband went on the Thursday the wife the Friday . On arrival in his room he noticed a laptop and decided to send his wife an email,unfortunately he missed out one letter but pressed send. In Austin Texas a widow returned from the burial of her Pastor husband and checked if distant relatives had been in touch with condolences.She screamed and fainted,her son rushed through saw her lying and the computer screen showing the message. To My Loving Wife. Subject;Iv'e arrived Date;Feb 6th,2016 I know you're surprised to hear from me,they have computers here now and your allowed to send email to you loved ones. I have just arrived and been checked in.I see that everything has been prepared for Your arrival Tomorrow Looking forward to seeing you then.Hope your journey is as uneventual as mine was. P.S Sure is Hot down Here. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sairyinthat Posted September 4, 2016 Share Posted September 4, 2016 Guy moves in to a nudist colony get a letter from his maw asking for a picture.Embarrassed he cuts one in half and sends it to her. Gets a second letter asking him to send one to his Granny so cuts another in half but sends the bottom half by mistake. He is worried once he realises he has sent the wrong half but knows she has bad eyesight and may not notice. Couple of weeks later gets a letter from granny. Thanks for the picture Get your hair cut it makes your Nose look Long Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sairyinthat Posted September 4, 2016 Share Posted September 4, 2016 Out of breath soldier runs up to a nun.Please may I hide under your skirt I will explain later. The nun accepts his request and soon after two MP's run up asking if a soldier had went this way He ran that way said the nun and they ran off. Thank you very much Sister said the soldier I don't want to go to Afghanistan. IPerfectly understand said the nun. I hope you don't think I'm rude but you have a great pair of legs The nun replied if you had looked higher you would have seen a great pair of balls,I didn't want to go to Afghanistan either. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted September 9, 2016 Share Posted September 9, 2016 Two interesting facts about me. 1) My knob is the same length as two Argos pens. 2) I'm banned from Argos. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted September 9, 2016 Share Posted September 9, 2016 A brain and 2 shits walk into a bar.. Brain "Pint of lager for myself and 2 vodka n cokes for my friends here" Barman "I'm no serving ye" Brain "Why not?" Barman "Coz you're out your face and those two are steamin" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Armageddon Posted September 13, 2016 Share Posted September 13, 2016 Woman goes to the doctors complaining of chest pains. She arrives home and the husband asks how she got on - "He told me I have a lovely f4nny" she replies Husband jumps in his car in a rage and kicks the Doctors door down "My wife came here with a chest pain and you tell her she has a lovely f4nny, what's going on?" "No no sir, I told your wife she has acute angina" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jason Dufner Posted September 13, 2016 Share Posted September 13, 2016 A man's in Court today for damaging books by putting tippex on all the full stops. He's expecting a long sentence Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Disser Pointon Posted September 13, 2016 Share Posted September 13, 2016 "Have you ever seen a twenty pound note all crumpled up?" asked the wife. "No," I said. She gave me a sexy little smile, reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty pound note. "Have you ever seen a fifty pound note all crumpled up?" she asked. "No," I said. She gave me another sexy little smile, reached into her knickers and pulled out a crumpled fifty pound note. "Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 20,000 pounds all crumpled up?" "No," I said, intrigued. "Well, go and take a quick look in the garage." I've read this several times and still don't get it can someone enlighten me please! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rossaldinho Posted September 13, 2016 Share Posted September 13, 2016 (edited) I've read this several times and still don't get it can someone enlighten me please! Wrecked the car so it's 'crumpled' in the garage and cost ?20k. Edited September 13, 2016 by rossaldinho Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jason Dufner Posted September 13, 2016 Share Posted September 13, 2016 I can't believe I laughed at that. You're welcome! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Watt-Zeefuik Posted September 13, 2016 Share Posted September 13, 2016 This one's been around forever but what the hell... A string walks into a bar and tries to order a drink. The bartender angrily looks at him and says, "are you a string?!?" When the string nods yes, the 'keep says, "get out, we don't serve strings here." But he really wanted a pint, so he walks around the corner, pulls a few of his strands apart, and then ties them back together at the top. He goes back into the bar. The bartender again looks at him and says, "are you a string?!" the string says, "nope, frayed knot." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rudi must stay Posted September 13, 2016 Share Posted September 13, 2016 Whats the difference between a rock and a robot? Ones a rock Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aussieh Posted September 13, 2016 Share Posted September 13, 2016 How'd you know an Elephant has been raiding your fridge?. There's footprints in the butter. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
winniethedog Posted September 13, 2016 Share Posted September 13, 2016 What's the difference between an egg and a w*nk? You can beat any egg Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
joseywales Posted September 14, 2016 Share Posted September 14, 2016 A cop arrests three men a scotsman a Englishman and a Irishman so the cop says to Englishman what is your name so he looks up at the shops and says mark spencer so the scotsman does the same and says timothy white and so the cop says to the Irishman what is your name and he looks up at the shops and says Kentucky fried chicken. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lauriesrank Posted September 14, 2016 Share Posted September 14, 2016 Heard this at the festival (a geordie lad, forget his name) Speaking about whiskey: 'I like my whiskey the same as japanese men like their girls' Genuinely pmsl! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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