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Unashamedly crap jokes (some are pure gold!)


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5 hours ago, redjambo said:

 

If I'm ever at a dinner party and we have a game of "who can tell the joke that generates the most groans", I am most definitely going to use this one. Cheers, RobNox.

Thanks.  I'm doing my best to remain true to the original concept of this thread 👍

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I took a nurse back to my place last night for sex.

As I stripped off I said to her,

"You must have seen a few dicks where you work.

How do you rate mine?"

She said, "It's slightly bigger than most I see."

"Thanks," I said. "What sort of nursing do you do?"

"I'm a midwife!"

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Woman sitting next to a man on a plane,

every time he sneezes he wipes his cock,

after the 3rd time the woman speaks to him.

Woman: Do you mind?

Man: Oh sorry, I have a condition every time I sneeze I ejaculate.

Woman: Oh, sorry, are you taking anything for it?

Man: Yes, pepper!

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Just reading that there's a small island off the coast of Italy which is inhabited by 5 million Sicillion people…

That's the biggest number I've ever heard!

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Just renewed my car insurance and the woman said...

Before you go do you have any pets?

Me.. Yes I have a dog

Her.. Would you like to insure him?

Me... No he can't drive.

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A police officer  at my door this morning.

“Do the letters TG mean anything to you?” He said.

“No.” I said. “What about RP?”

“No..” I said. “How about AH?” He asked.

“Look,” I said “am I suspected of something?”

“No sir.” He replied “These are just initial enquiries.”

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Just now, CostaJambo said:

The cops were called to my little one's nursery this morning. There was a 3 year old resisting a rest.

Hope they don’t operate on a “three strikes and you’re out” rule.

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On 15/11/2021 at 13:56, Nobreath said:

I got my first job as an accountant at 22, right out of college. Suddenly, the week after I turned 30, they fired me. 


13 years of loyal service to the company, down the drain.

my kind of humour Brill

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A truckie walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him.

 

The waitress asks them for their orders.

 

The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' 

'Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu.

 

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays.

 

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.' 

The emu says, ' Sounds great, I'll have the same.'

 

Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

 

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

 

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man..

' Same for me,' says the emu.

 

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

 

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

 

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?'

 

'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

 

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

 

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!'

 

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there.' says the man.

Still curious the waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'

 

The truckie pauses, sighs, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say!!

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A man was hunting when a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over & discharged, shooting him in the genitals.
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.
"Well, sir, I have some good news & some bad news.
The good news is that you are going to be OK.
The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, & we were able to remove all of the buckshot."
"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.
"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your willy which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."
"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied.
"Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"
" Not exactly answered the doctor.........
"She's a flute player in the London Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't pish in your eyes!!.

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Paddy takes two stuffed dogs on to the Antique Roadshow.

 

"Ohh," said the presenter, "This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers Taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of the 19th century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"

 

"Sticks!" Paddy replied.

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highlandjambo3
4 hours ago, superjack said:

Paddy takes two stuffed dogs on to the Antique Roadshow.

 

"Ohh," said the presenter, "This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers Taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of the 19th century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"

 

"Sticks!" Paddy replied.

😂😂😂 made me chuckle 👍

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A man involved in cloning experiments ended up with a clone that had such a foul mouth that the man pushed the clone off a cliff.  The only thing the police could charge him with was making an obscene clone fall.

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Couple lying in bed one stormy night when there is a loud knock at their door around 3am. Guy goes downstairs and opens the door and there's a guy standing there soaked to his skin in the heavy rain.

"I'm really sorry to bother you but Im not moving out here....is there any chance you could give me a push "

"....Sorry mate...." he says and quickly closes the door. 

Goes back to his bed and climbs in. Girlfriend asks who is it and the boyfriend explains its some random asking for a push. At this point the Girlfriend sits up in bed and says "6 months ago we blew a tyre out on that country road on the way back from my parents. No phone signal, it was midnight, we had no spare, absolutely freezing and not a single car drove past us for nearly an hour but there was that one guy who stopped when he saw us. Let us sit in his car to warm up, gave us his spare tyre and even changed it for us. Made sure we were ok to drive and wouldn't even take any money from us. Imagine if he had just thought sorry mate and driven off"

Boyfriend sighs and jumps out of bed, grabs a jacket and heads out his front door. The rain is pounding down now and the wind is howling. He shouts into the darkness "Hey mate, you there...still need that push?"

In the darkness he hears "I do mate thanks"

Boyfriend says "Where about are you?"

"I'm over here on the swing"

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I P Knightley
1 hour ago, Der Kaiser said:

Couple lying in bed one stormy night when there is a loud knock at their door around 3am. Guy goes downstairs and opens the door and there's a guy standing there soaked to his skin in the heavy rain.

"I'm really sorry to bother you but Im not moving out here....is there any chance you could give me a push "

"....Sorry mate...." he says and quickly closes the door. 

Goes back to his bed and climbs in. Girlfriend asks who is it and the boyfriend explains its some random asking for a push. At this point the Girlfriend sits up in bed and says "6 months ago we blew a tyre out on that country road on the way back from my parents. No phone signal, it was midnight, we had no spare, absolutely freezing and not a single car drove past us for nearly an hour but there was that one guy who stopped when he saw us. Let us sit in his car to warm up, gave us his spare tyre and even changed it for us. Made sure we were ok to drive and wouldn't even take any money from us. Imagine if he had just thought sorry mate and driven off"

Boyfriend sighs and jumps out of bed, grabs a jacket and heads out his front door. The rain is pounding down now and the wind is howling. He shouts into the darkness "Hey mate, you there...still need that push?"

In the darkness he hears "I do mate thanks"

Boyfriend says "Where about are you?"

"I'm over here on the swing"

One of my all-time favourites!

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A Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. 

She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said. 

The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. 

She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any p"""c hair. 

She mentioned this to her husband when he came home.

He didn't believe her, so she said: "Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. 

I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."

So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?" "No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"

"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department. 

The girl finished her bath and went to bed.

Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?" "Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."

"Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before."

"I know," he said.... "but the bloody darts team hadn't!

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On 19/11/2021 at 04:30, superjack said:

Paddy takes two stuffed dogs on to the Antique Roadshow.

 

"Ohh," said the presenter, "This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers Taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of the 19th century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"

 

"Sticks!" Paddy replied.

Good one!  :biggrin:

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A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbour who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?" The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"

"No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

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The Real Maroonblood
1 hour ago, superjack said:

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbour who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?" The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"

"No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

:laugh2:

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A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a
Fancy Dress party.
He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden
leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his
problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:



Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted
handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden
leg you will be just right as a Pirate. The man is
offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he
writes a letter of complaint.. A week passes and he
receives another parcel and note

Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a
monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and
with your bald head you will really look the part.



The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company
has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing
attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong
letter of complaint.. A few days later he gets a very small
parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald
head, let it harden, then stick your wooden leg up your arse
and go as a toffee apple.

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  • 2 weeks later...
Fxxx the SPFL

Some book titles from my youth

Rusty bed springs by I.P. Knightly

Tiger in the bed by Claude Balls

Nudes in the wood by Major Cockstand

Nails on the bannister by R.S. Tornaway

crap but still remember them from schooldays

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1 hour ago, **** the SPFL said:

Some book titles from my youth

Rusty bed springs by I.P. Knightly

Tiger in the bed by Claude Balls

Nudes in the wood by Major Cockstand

Nails on the bannister by R.S. Tornaway

crap but still remember them from schooldays

The classic "Shite on the Windaes"by Hooflung Dung.

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Fxxx the SPFL
22 minutes ago, jb102 said:

The classic "Shite on the Windaes"by Hooflung Dung.

Forgot about that one I’m sure there’s more but memory fades with age lol

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19 hours ago, **** the SPFL said:

Some book titles from my youth

Rusty bed springs by I.P. Knightly

Tiger in the bed by Claude Balls

Nudes in the wood by Major Cockstand

Nails on the bannister by R.S. Tornaway

crap but still remember them from schooldays

puddle on the toilet floor by i.p freely

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23 hours ago, **** the SPFL said:

Some book titles from my youth

Rusty bed springs by I.P. Knightly

Tiger in the bed by Claude Balls

Nudes in the wood by Major Cockstand

Nails on the bannister by R.S. Tornaway

crap but still remember them from schooldays

Fliptop by Lydia Fagpacket.

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3 minutes ago, JamesM48 said:

Whos the nicest person in a hospital ?

 

 

The ultrasound guy 

 

 

who is the second nicest person in a hospital?

 

the hip replacement guy

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I P Knightley
On 03/12/2021 at 15:30, **** the SPFL said:

Some book titles from my youth

Rusty bed springs by I.P. Knightly

Tiger in the bed by Claude Balls

Nudes in the wood by Major Cockstand

Nails on the bannister by R.S. Tornaway

crap but still remember them from schooldays

Still raking in the royalties :D

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This years novelty Prince Andrew Christmas Advent Calendar has been scrapped due to a design fault…

 

Apparently, only the flaps from 12-16 would open!

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Carl Fredrickson
10 hours ago, narre said:

This years novelty Prince Andrew Christmas Advent Calendar has been scrapped due to a design fault…

 

Apparently, only the flaps from 12-16 would open!

:vrwow:

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When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

 

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

 

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

 

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

 

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

 

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

 

And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

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The Real Maroonblood
1 hour ago, superjack said:

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

 

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

 

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

 

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

 

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

 

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

 

And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

:rofl:

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Sawdust Caesar
On 03/12/2021 at 15:30, **** the SPFL said:

Some book titles from my youth

Rusty bed springs by I.P. Knightly

Tiger in the bed by Claude Balls

Nudes in the wood by Major Cockstand

Nails on the bannister by R.S. Tornaway

crap but still remember them from schooldays

What the butler saw by Mustafa Nutherlook

A night in a haunted house by Hugo Phirst

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