Unashamedly crap jokes (some are pure gold!)

[I P Knightley]

1 hour ago, Der Kaiser said:

Couple lying in bed one stormy night when there is a loud knock at their door around 3am. Guy goes downstairs and opens the door and there's a guy standing there soaked to his skin in the heavy rain.

"I'm really sorry to bother you but Im not moving out here....is there any chance you could give me a push "

"....Sorry mate...." he says and quickly closes the door. 

Goes back to his bed and climbs in. Girlfriend asks who is it and the boyfriend explains its some random asking for a push. At this point the Girlfriend sits up in bed and says "6 months ago we blew a tyre out on that country road on the way back from my parents. No phone signal, it was midnight, we had no spare, absolutely freezing and not a single car drove past us for nearly an hour but there was that one guy who stopped when he saw us. Let us sit in his car to warm up, gave us his spare tyre and even changed it for us. Made sure we were ok to drive and wouldn't even take any money from us. Imagine if he had just thought sorry mate and driven off"

Boyfriend sighs and jumps out of bed, grabs a jacket and heads out his front door. The rain is pounding down now and the wind is howling. He shouts into the darkness "Hey mate, you there...still need that push?"

In the darkness he hears "I do mate thanks"

Boyfriend says "Where about are you?"

"I'm over here on the swing"

One of my all-time favourites!

[superjack]

A Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. 

She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said. 

The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. 

She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any p"""c hair. 

She mentioned this to her husband when he came home.

He didn't believe her, so she said: "Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. 

I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."

So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?" "No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"

"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department. 

The girl finished her bath and went to bed.

Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?" "Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."

"Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before."

"I know," he said.... "but the bloody darts team hadn't!

[superjack]

I saw Sir Lancelot on a female horse in my dreams.

 

It was a knight mare.

[Maple Leaf]

On 19/11/2021 at 04:30, superjack said:

Paddy takes two stuffed dogs on to the Antique Roadshow.

 

"Ohh," said the presenter, "This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers Taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of the 19th century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"

 

"Sticks!" Paddy replied.

Good one! 

[superjack]

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbour who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?" The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"

"No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

[The Real Maroonblood]

1 hour ago, superjack said:

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbour who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?" The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"

"No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

[Angel eyes]

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a
Fancy Dress party.
He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden
leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his
problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:



Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted
handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden
leg you will be just right as a Pirate. The man is
offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he
writes a letter of complaint.. A week passes and he
receives another parcel and note

Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a
monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and
with your bald head you will really look the part.



The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company
has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing
attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong
letter of complaint.. A few days later he gets a very small
parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald
head, let it harden, then stick your wooden leg up your arse
and go as a toffee apple.

[Angel eyes]

A man went to the doctor he had 14toy horses stuck in his rectum but his condition is thought to be stable.

[CostaJambo]

What did the drummer call his twin daughters?

Anna one, Anna two.

[Fxxx the SPFL]

Some book titles from my youth

Rusty bed springs by I.P. Knightly

Tiger in the bed by Claude Balls

Nudes in the wood by Major Cockstand

Nails on the bannister by R.S. Tornaway

crap but still remember them from schooldays

[rudi must stay]

Why do psychiatrists call everyone something end in path?

 

So they can walk up them 

[jb102]

1 hour ago, **** the SPFL said:

Some book titles from my youth

Rusty bed springs by I.P. Knightly

Tiger in the bed by Claude Balls

Nudes in the wood by Major Cockstand

Nails on the bannister by R.S. Tornaway

crap but still remember them from schooldays

The classic "Shite on the Windaes"by Hooflung Dung.

[Fxxx the SPFL]

22 minutes ago, jb102 said:

The classic "Shite on the Windaes"by Hooflung Dung.

Forgot about that one I’m sure there’s more but memory fades with age lol

[JudyJudyJudy]

[milky_26]

19 hours ago, **** the SPFL said:

Some book titles from my youth

Rusty bed springs by I.P. Knightly

Tiger in the bed by Claude Balls

Nudes in the wood by Major Cockstand

Nails on the bannister by R.S. Tornaway

crap but still remember them from schooldays

puddle on the toilet floor by i.p freely

[Morgan]

23 hours ago, **** the SPFL said:

Some book titles from my youth

Rusty bed springs by I.P. Knightly

Tiger in the bed by Claude Balls

Nudes in the wood by Major Cockstand

Nails on the bannister by R.S. Tornaway

crap but still remember them from schooldays

Fliptop by Lydia Fagpacket.

[JudyJudyJudy]

Whos the nicest person in a hospital ?

 

 

The ultrasound guy 

 

 

[milky_26]

3 minutes ago, JamesM48 said:

Whos the nicest person in a hospital ?

 

 

The ultrasound guy 

 

 

who is the second nicest person in a hospital?

 

the hip replacement guy

[I P Knightley]

On 03/12/2021 at 15:30, **** the SPFL said:

Some book titles from my youth

Rusty bed springs by I.P. Knightly

Tiger in the bed by Claude Balls

Nudes in the wood by Major Cockstand

Nails on the bannister by R.S. Tornaway

crap but still remember them from schooldays

Still raking in the royalties

[JudyJudyJudy]

31 minutes ago, milky_26 said:

who is the second nicest person in a hospital?

 

the hip replacement guy

Lol 

[Fxxx the SPFL]

39 minutes ago, I P Knightley said:

Still raking in the royalties

Good one 

[narre]

Saw an old man collecting trolleys in the supermarket car park today. I felt sorry for him...

 

He must have been pushing 70!

[narre]

I'm bringing out a version of the Band Aid song...

'Duvet Know It's Christmas?'

 

It's a cover!

[narre]

A bloke just asked me if I'd any idea where he could get a new wig from...

I said, "Not off the top of my head!"

[narre]

Someone threw a bottle of mayonnaise at me…

I said, "What the hellmann?"

[narre]

This years novelty Prince Andrew Christmas Advent Calendar has been scrapped due to a design fault…

 

Apparently, only the flaps from 12-16 would open!

[Carl Fredrickson]

10 hours ago, narre said:

This years novelty Prince Andrew Christmas Advent Calendar has been scrapped due to a design fault…

 

Apparently, only the flaps from 12-16 would open!

[superjack]

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

 

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

 

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

 

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

 

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

 

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

 

And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

[The Real Maroonblood]

1 hour ago, superjack said:

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

 

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

 

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

 

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

 

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

 

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

 

And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

[rudi must stay]

Knock knock

 

Who's there?

 

Des

 

Des who?

 

Des Lynam 

[Sawdust Caesar]

On 03/12/2021 at 15:30, **** the SPFL said:

Some book titles from my youth

Rusty bed springs by I.P. Knightly

Tiger in the bed by Claude Balls

Nudes in the wood by Major Cockstand

Nails on the bannister by R.S. Tornaway

crap but still remember them from schooldays

What the butler saw by Mustafa Nutherlook

A night in a haunted house by Hugo Phirst

[CostaJambo]

What do you call a guy who watches 100 Donald Duck cartoons a day? A quack addict.

[Watt-Zeefuik]

4 hours ago, Sawdust Caesar said:

What the butler saw by Mustafa Nutherlook

A night in a haunted house by Hugo Phirst

Under the Terraces by Seymour Cheeks

The Longest Tool by Juan Hung-Lo

[I P Knightley]

6 hours ago, rudi must stay said:

Knock knock

 

Who's there?

 

Des

 

Des who?

 

Des Lynam 

??

[superjack]

Jimmy, an 80-year-old gentleman, retired to Florida after his wife of 58 years had passed away. He was quite alone in the world and longed for companionship. One day, as he was walking through a public park, he spied what he considered to be a very pretty silver-haired lady sitting alone on a park bench. Getting his nerve up, he approached the lady and asked graciously, "Pardon me, ma'am, but may I sit here with you."
The silver-haired Marcia looked up to see a distinguished looking white-haired gentleman and replied, "Why certainly," and scooted over gently to give him room to sit down.
For the next two hours, the two sat and talked about everything. They discovered that they came from the same part of the country, liked the same big band music, voted for the same presidential candidates, had long happy marriages and lost their spouses in the last year, and in general agreed about almost everything.
Finally, the old gentleman cleared his throat and asked sheepishly, "Ma' am, may I ask you two questions?"
With great anticipation, Marcia replied, "Why certainly!"
The old gentleman removed a handkerchief from his coat pocket and spread it out on the ground before her. He very gingerly got down on one knee and looked her softly in the eyes.
"Marcia, I know we've only known each other for a couple of hours, but we have so much in common. I feel I have known you all my life. Will you marry me and be my wife?"
Marcia grabbed at Jimmy's hands and said, "Why, yes, I will marry you! You have made me so very happy!"
She reached over and kissed him gently on the cheek. Then Marcia said, "You said you had two questions to ask me. What is the second question?"
Jimmy scratched his neck and said, "Will you help me get up?

[superjack]

Paddy takes his son to the zoo. 

When they get to the elephants the zoo keeper said, "this elephant can tell how old you are with one look."

Paddy's son shouts, "how old am I?" 

The elephant stamps his foot 6 times. 

"Wow," says Paddy, "that's right my boy is 6." 

Paddy then shouts to the elephant, "How old am I?" 

The elephant farts and stamps his foot twice. 

"Beejayzus," says Paddy, "He's right, I'm Farty two"

[Jambo_jim2001]

See they have discovered oil in the Irish sea..cannie use it though..coz it's too thick..🤕

[rudi must stay]

What are the fastest oatcakes?

 

Nairn's

[Ulysses]

7 hours ago, Jambo_jim2001 said:

See they have discovered oil in the Irish sea..cannie use it though..coz it's too thick..🤕

 

While we're waiting for you to post a punchline for that one, here's one you might like.

 

A bloke was saying to Jambo_jim2001  how nature sometimes compensates for a person's deficiences.

 

"For example", he told him, "if someone is deaf, they may have keener sight, and if a person is blind, they may have a very keen sense of smell".

 

"I think I see what you mean", said Jambo_jim2001, "I've often noticed that if a fella has one short leg, then the other one is always a bit longer".

Edited December 22, 2021 by Ulysses

[Maple Leaf]

2 hours ago, Ulysses said:

 

While we're waiting for you to post a punchline for that one, here's one you might like.

 

A bloke was saying to Jambo_jim2001  how nature sometimes compensates for a person's deficiences.

 

"For example", he told him, "if someone is deaf, they may have keener sight, and if a person is blind, they may have a very keen sense of smell".

 

"I think I see what you mean", said Jambo_jim2001, "I've often noticed that if a fella has one short leg, then the other one is always a bit longer".

 

We need a "touche" emoji.

[superjack]

6 hours ago, Ulysses said:

 

While we're waiting for you to post a punchline for that one, here's one you might like.

 

A bloke was saying to Jambo_jim2001  how nature sometimes compensates for a person's deficiences.

 

"For example", he told him, "if someone is deaf, they may have keener sight, and if a person is blind, they may have a very keen sense of smell".

 

"I think I see what you mean", said Jambo_jim2001, "I've often noticed that if a fella has one short leg, then the other one is always a bit longer".

 

3 hours ago, Maple Leaf said:

 

We need a "touche" emoji.

 

[milky_26]

3 hours ago, Maple Leaf said:

 

We need a "touche" emoji.

We already have one

 

[Ulysses]

4 hours ago, superjack said:

 

 

 

Can we get a smaller version of this guy as a JKB smiley?

[Ulysses]

8 hours ago, Maple Leaf said:

 

We need a "touche" emoji.

 

Old joke about the fella in a pub in Kerry.  He decides he'll amuse himself and asks the barman "would you have change of an eighteen pound note?"  Barman replies "No bother at all, sir.  Would you prefer two nines or three sixes?"

[Jambo_jim2001]

12 hours ago, Ulysses said:

 

While we're waiting for you to post a punchline for that one, here's one you might like.

 

A bloke was saying to Jambo_jim2001  how nature sometimes compensates for a person's deficiences.

 

"For example", he told him, "if someone is deaf, they may have keener sight, and if a person is blind, they may have a very keen sense of smell".

 

"I think I see what you mean", said Jambo_jim2001, "I've often noticed that if a fella has one short leg, then the other one is always a bit longer".

I bow to your superior wit and shorter leg 🤪😁

[redjambo]

13 hours ago, Ulysses said:

 

While we're waiting for you to post a punchline for that one, here's one you might like.

 

A bloke was saying to Jambo_jim2001  how nature sometimes compensates for a person's deficiences.

 

"For example", he told him, "if someone is deaf, they may have keener sight, and if a person is blind, they may have a very keen sense of smell".

 

"I think I see what you mean", said Jambo_jim2001, "I've often noticed that if a fella has one short leg, then the other one is always a bit longer".

 

 

Hoisted with his own

 

[Ulysses]

5 hours ago, redjambo said:

 

 

Hoisted with his own

 

 

English tourist walks into a Dublin boozer and orders a pint, and adds "and could I have some of your famous Dublin wit?"  Barman replies, "Certainly sir.  Would you prefer dry or sparkling?"

[Ulysses]

    

Edited December 22, 2021 by Ulysses
Oops, wrong thread!

[milky_26]

we all know where the Big Apple is

but does anyone know where the

 

 

 

Minneapolis

[superjack]

I went to a fetish restaurant yesterday. I got toed in the hole.