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Unashamedly crap jokes (some are pure gold!)


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Dick Dastardly

       Dr i think i need some ointment, my knobs all flakey and has turned orange

 

       Have you been using any new chemicals at work? 

 

       Na, i got laid off a few weeks ago. I'm so bored all i do is sit around watching P0rnhub and eating Whatsits

 

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superjack

A typical bloke, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a holiday.He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is; until the ship sank.

He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing; only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, 'Where did you come from? How did you get here?'

She replied, 'I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.'

'Amazing,' he notes. 'You were really lucky to have a

row boat wash up with you.'

'Oh,this thing?' explains the woman. 'I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.'

'But, where did you get the tools?'

'Oh, that was no problem,' replied the woman. 'On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.'

The guy is stunned.

'Let's row over to my place,' she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually,

'It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?'

'No! No thank you,' he blurts out, still dazed. 'I can't take another drop of coconut juice.' 'It's not coconut juice,' winks the woman. 'I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?'

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, 'I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor in the bathroom cabinet.'

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'What next?'

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smellingfaintly of gardenias... She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

 

'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'We've been out here for many months.You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?' She stares into his eyes...

 

He swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes...

 

Oh my God, fecking hell, don't tell me you've got Sky Sports?'

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redjambo
1 hour ago, superjack said:

A typical bloke, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a holiday.He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is; until the ship sank.

He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing; only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, 'Where did you come from? How did you get here?'

She replied, 'I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.'

'Amazing,' he notes. 'You were really lucky to have a

row boat wash up with you.'

'Oh,this thing?' explains the woman. 'I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.'

'But, where did you get the tools?'

'Oh, that was no problem,' replied the woman. 'On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.'

The guy is stunned.

'Let's row over to my place,' she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually,

'It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?'

'No! No thank you,' he blurts out, still dazed. 'I can't take another drop of coconut juice.' 'It's not coconut juice,' winks the woman. 'I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?'

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, 'I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor in the bathroom cabinet.'

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'What next?'

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smellingfaintly of gardenias... She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

 

'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'We've been out here for many months.You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?' She stares into his eyes...

 

He swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes...

 

Oh my God, fecking hell, don't tell me you've got Sky Sports?'

 

:D I remember I used to tell that one 40 years ago. Different punchline of course, but for the life of my I can't remember what it was.

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I P Knightley
48 minutes ago, redjambo said:

 

:D I remember I used to tell that one 40 years ago. Different punchline of course, but for the life of my I can't remember what it was.

"Do you want to play around?"

 

"Don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs!"

 

Would that be it? It may have been one of Ronnie Corbett's monologues.

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redjambo
50 minutes ago, I P Knightley said:

"Do you want to play around?"

 

"Don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs!"

 

Would that be it? It may have been one of Ronnie Corbett's monologues.

 

:D Yup, that was it.

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superjack

Ron Gordon was in Asda and a wee auld dear was struggling to get a box of the shelf, can you manage? he asked her

Feck off she said im no taking your poxy job.

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superjack

Little Johnny comes into the house for dinner after playing outside all afternoon. His parents ask him what he did today. 
He says that he played baseball and then he proposed to Betty, the next door neighbor and they are going to get married. His parents think this is cute, and they don't want to make fun of Johnny so they ask Johnny, "How are you and Betty going to pay for the expenses of being married?" 
He replies "Well with the $1 I get each week from you and the $1 she gets from her Mom and Dad, we should do o.k." 
His father says "That's fine, but how will you pay the extra expenses if you and Betty have a baby?" 
Johnny answers "Well, so far, we've been lucky..."

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Led Tasso

May have done this already . . .

 

Went into the pub the other day and said, "I've got a great joke about Hibs fans, want to hear it?"

 

The barkeep bent over the bar with an annoyed look and said, "before you tell it, you should know, I'm Hibs. See that big lad at the door? He's Hibs too. And see the waitress with the sharp knives? She's Hibs too. Now, do you want to tell us your joke?"

 

I said, "Not if I'm going to have to explain it three times!"

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Led Tasso

A mind-controlled deodorizer makes scents if you think about it.

 

(taken from the newspaper it must be said)

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Dirk McClaymore
5 hours ago, Led Tasso said:

A mind-controlled deodorizer makes scents if you think about it.

 

(taken from the newspaper it must be said)

 

:D

 

Ffs

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jonesy
6 hours ago, Led Tasso said:

A mind-controlled deodorizer makes scents if you think about it.

 

(taken from the newspaper it must be said)

Love it. Just had to spend 10 mims explaining it to the missus, though 😞

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rudi must stay

What's the most attractive position in a rugby team?

 

Hooker 

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Morgan
13 hours ago, Led Tasso said:

A mind-controlled deodorizer makes scents if you think about it.

 

(taken from the newspaper it must be said)

 

2 hours ago, rudi must stay said:

What's the most attractive position in a rugby team?

 

Hooker 

 

These two jokes are somewhat different in quality.

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Dick Dastardly

Some people say porn is degrading to women. Personally, i think some of the less hardcore stuff is acceptable but bukake is just rubbing it in their faces

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SexyCraigGordon

Was walking down the street n saw these cute wee dugs, asked the man walking them if they were jack Russells n he replied “naw they’re mine”

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superjack

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital.

 

Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him, "I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!" 

 

"Oh God no!" cries the man "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?"

 

"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm and I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant." 

"Go for it doc," says the man, "as long as I can play golf again." 

 

The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon. "Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.

 

"Just great," says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved." 

 

"That's great," said the surgeon.

 

"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors."

 

"That’s Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"

 

"Well, just one," said the golfer, "Every time I get an hard on I also get a headache."

 

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shoebee

Girlfriend sent me to the shop to get 6 cans of sprite, realised when I got home I had picked 7up

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Maple Leaf
1 hour ago, shoebee said:

Girlfriend sent me to the shop to get 6 cans of sprite, realised when I got home I had picked 7up

 

A variation on the very old joke of "Did you hear about the guy who gulped down 6 cokes but burped 7 up?"

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superjack

Two good old boys, Murphy and Paddy, have been promoted from Privates to Lance Corporals. 

Not long afterward, they're out for a walk and Murphy says, "Hey, Paddy, there's the NCO Club; let's you and me step in."

"But we’re only Privates," protests Paddy.

"We’re Lance Corporals now," says Murphy, pointing to his stripe and pulling him inside. 

"Now, Paddy, I'm a-gonna sit down and have me a drink."

"But we're Privates," says Paddy.

"You blind, boy?" asks Murphy, pointing again at his stripe. "We're Lance Corporals now!"

So they have their drink, and pretty soon one of the Army lass’s comes up to Murphy.

"You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea."

Murphy pulls Paddy to the side and whispers, "Paddy, go look in the dictionary and see what 

Gonorrhea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign." 

So Paddy goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Murphy the big Thumbs Up.

Three weeks later Murphy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea. 

Murphy says to Paddy, "Why the flipping heck did you give me the thumbs up?"

"Well Murphy, in the dictionary, it say gonorrhea affects only the Privates & we're Lance Corporals now."

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Kalamazoo Jambo

Can an admin please explain why my post was removed?
 

My fence just fell over :(

 

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jonesy
2 hours ago, Kalamazoo Jambo said:

Can an admin please explain why my post was removed?
 

My fence just fell over :(

 

Mod meta jokes. That's all we need :( 

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redjambo
10 hours ago, jonesy said:

Mod meta jokes. That's all we need :( 

 

What is the JKB mods' favourite road?

 

The autobahn.

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JudyJudyJudy
On 15/05/2022 at 18:39, SexyCraigGordon said:

Was walking down the street n saw these cute wee dugs, asked the man walking them if they were jack Russells n he replied “naw they’re mine”

I read a few of those jokes but that really made me laugh. :) just daft but funny

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milky_26
On 20/05/2022 at 19:43, Kalamazoo Jambo said:

Can an admin please explain why my post was removed?
 

My fence just fell over :(

 

can the mods explain why they pulled that thread?

 

my jumper is now unravelling

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A Boy Named Crow
1 hour ago, milky_26 said:

can the mods explain why they pulled that thread?

 

my jumper is now unravelling

Could the mods please explain what happened to the topic I started earlier? Could fair go some more chocolate. 

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superjack

Superman is taking an evening stroll past the church when the Minister runs down the steps calling for his help. "Superman, we need your help, a wall has collapsed in the basement, some workmen are trapped" says the Minister. "No way" said Superman "I'm not going near the crypt tonight".

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Maple Leaf
3 hours ago, superjack said:

Superman is taking an evening stroll past the church when the Minister runs down the steps calling for his help. "Superman, we need your help, a wall has collapsed in the basement, some workmen are trapped" says the Minister. "No way" said Superman "I'm not going near the crypt tonight".

 

:thumb: Had to read it twice.

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ri Alban

A Regal and a Club are walking down the road and they see a Consulate walking towards them. So the regal say to the club "Let's get out of here, he's menthol" 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

:mmtaxi:

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Muppetboy

Who can drink 5 litres of petrol without being sick?

jerry can

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On 28/05/2022 at 05:59, Maple Leaf said:

 

:thumb: Had to read it twice.

Glad I wasn't the only one 

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King Of The Cat Cafe

Three football fans, a Tim, a Teddy Bear and a Hibbie, die and go to heaven (I know, but stick with me).

 

St Peter says to them: "There is one absolute rule, do not step on any of the dogs".

 

Within five minutes the Tim has stepped on a Poodle and, all of a sudden, he is grabbed and chained for ever to one of the ugliest women in Heaven.  For ever!

 

Half an hour later, the Teddy Bear steps on a Pekinese and, all of a sudden, he is grabbed and chained for ever to one of the ugliest women in Heaven.  For ever!

 

The Hibbie thinks: "I'd better be carful here" and does not move for a whole day.  St Peter is impressed and has him chained to one of the most beautiful women in Heaven.  For ever!

 

Did I say beautiful?  She was like Marilyn Monroe's prettier sister.

 

So the Hibbie says to her: "I can't believe what I did to deserve this".  And the woman says" "I can - I stepped on a dog."

 

 

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rudi must stay

What do you get if you mix a hyena and an oxo cube

 

A laughing stock 

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muldoon74
1 hour ago, Chong said:

Lester Piggott's funeral is next Wednesday at 20/1 

😂😂

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rudi must stay

There's a criminal in the chippie. The chips have been salted 

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Morgan
4 hours ago, rudi must stay said:

There's a criminal in the chippie. The chips have been salted 

I think this has been posted in the wrong thread.

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A Boy Named Crow
52 minutes ago, Morgan said:

I think this has been posted in the wrong thread.

Read the thread title again, some (not all) are pure gold...

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Morgan
8 minutes ago, A Boy Named Crow said:

Read the thread title again, some (not all) are pure gold...

Right enough.  👍

 

It’s just that @rudi must stay has set such a high standard with his erm..... jokes, that I thought he’d perhaps made a wee boo-boo.

 

Thanks for putting me straight.  :sadrobbo:

 

 

 

 

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King Of The Cat Cafe

Since there appears to be something Royal happening this weekend...

 

One night the Queen is on a guided tour of Piccadilly Circus admiring all the neon lights and advertising panels.

Spotting a wizened looking Scotsman sitting by a brazier wearing a half and half Rangers/Celtic scarf, she goes over and asks him:

"What exactly is it you do?"

And he replies: "I'm an O watcher."

Says her majesty, "An O watcher, how splendid. What exactly does that entail?".

The Scotsman points to a neon sign that declares "Countless women use Tampax" and says:

"I'm here in case the O goes out".

 

 

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13 hours ago, rudi must stay said:

There's a criminal in the chippie. The chips have been salted 

And the fish battered!

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rudi must stay
20 hours ago, Morgan said:

Right enough.  👍

 

It’s just that @rudi must stay has set such a high standard with his erm..... jokes, that I thought he’d perhaps made a wee boo-boo.

 

Thanks for putting me straight.  :sadrobbo:

 

 

 

 

 

Did you hear about the dancing fisherman?

 

He caught a cod

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Morgan
10 hours ago, rudi must stay said:

 

Did you hear about the dancing fisherman?

 

He caught a cod

:rofl:

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wentworth jambo
On 05/06/2022 at 12:00, rudi must stay said:

 

Did you hear about the dancing fisherman?

 

He caught a cod

Am I the only one that's :what:?

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Maple Leaf
53 minutes ago, wentworth jambo said:

Am I the only one that's :what:?

 

No.  It's a wooosh moment for me too, but I was too shy to ask. :shy:

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Morgan
1 hour ago, wentworth jambo said:

Am I the only one that's :what:?

You’re not alone.

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Meathook
1 hour ago, wentworth jambo said:

Am I the only one that's :what:?

Maybe the joke's supposed to be that he used and eightsome reel to catch the cod?

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Morgan
7 minutes ago, Meathook said:

Maybe the joke's supposed to be that he used and eightsome reel to catch the cod?

Well, in that case...

 

 

:rofl:

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Led Tasso

There was a gent who came around selling used books. I asked him about one title that looked interesting. He had a little trouble speaking so he just said one word, "pithy!"

 

I put it aside and later noticed a terrible stink in the house, and eventually tracked it to the book. The bookseller came around again and I confronted him about it, and he said, "I thaid it wath pithy, why are you thuprithed?"

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rudi must stay

Doctor Doctor I am afraid for my future

 

Ah well chin up tomorrow's a new day 

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Morgan
35 minutes ago, rudi must stay said:

Doctor Doctor I am afraid for my future

 

Ah well chin up tomorrow's a new day 

It’s definitely the way you tell ‘em.

 

 

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