Unashamedly crap jokes (some are pure gold!)

[CostaJambo]

7 hours ago, Ulysses said:

I started a pessimism jar.  It's like a swear jar where you put money in if you have negative thoughts.

 

I've only had it a couple of days and it's already half empty.

Nice.

[Watt-Zeefuik]

16 hours ago, Ulysses said:

I started a pessimism jar.  It's like a swear jar where you put money in if you have negative thoughts.

 

I've only had it a couple of days and it's already half empty.

 

[Watt-Zeefuik]

Was on Twitter the other day and some clown had the gall to call me illiterate.

 

Went and posted a photo of my parents' marriage certificate just to prove him wrong.

[rudi must stay]

Who's the most wise comedian?

 

Norman Wisdom 

[manaliveits105]

True story - on pop master this morning bbc radio2 

(Ken Bruce wasn’t on)

the stand in asked the contestant what he did for a living 

“I work in a factory making chess pieces “

are you calling from there ?

“Im on nights this week “

 

I would like to think Ken Bruce might have asked 

Who is on pawns ?

[superjack]

Jack Ross walks into a Bank to cash a cheque. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning, Ms could you please cash this cheque for me?"

Cashier:"It would be my pleasure. Could you please show me your ID?"

Jack Ross:"Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am jack ross, Manager of hibs”.

Cashier: "Yes, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."

jack ross: Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."

Cashier: "I am sorry, Mr Ross but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."

jack ross,"Come on please, I am urging you, please cash this cheque."

Cashier: "Look sir, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque."

"Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his cheque. So, sir, what can you do to prove that it is you and only you?"

jack ross stands there thinking and thinking and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank...there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do. I don't have a clue."

Cashier: "Will that be large or small notes Mr Ross?”

[Watt-Zeefuik]

7 hours ago, superjack said:

Jack Ross walks into a Bank to cash a cheque. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning, Ms could you please cash this cheque for me?"

Cashier:"It would be my pleasure. Could you please show me your ID?"

Jack Ross:"Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am jack ross, Manager of hibs”.

Cashier: "Yes, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."

jack ross: Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."

Cashier: "I am sorry, Mr Ross but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."

jack ross,"Come on please, I am urging you, please cash this cheque."

Cashier: "Look sir, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque."

"Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his cheque. So, sir, what can you do to prove that it is you and only you?"

jack ross stands there thinking and thinking and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank...there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do. I don't have a clue."

Cashier: "Will that be large or small notes Mr Ross?”

Got a great chuckle out of that one, thanks.

[Watt-Zeefuik]

A man was having a terrible skin problem. His doctor told him to go out to the nearest dairy and buy the freshest milk he could, and take a bath in it.

 

When he got there, the farmer asked, "would you like it pasteurized?"

 

"No thanks, just up to my chin."

[ƒιѕнρℓαρѕ]

7 minutes ago, Led Tasso said:

Got a great chuckle out of that one, thanks.

 

Probably done this one before, but it's on theme.

 

Jack Ross and Robbie Neilson walk into a brothel.

Jack walks up to the counter and goes "How much for a w@nk?"

 

She goes "fifty quid"

 

Robbie goes "How much if you're no a w@nk?"

[Watt-Zeefuik]

Just now, Smithee said:

 

Probably done this one before, but it's on theme.

 

Jack Ross and Robbie Neilson walk into a brothel.

Jack walks up to the counter and goes "How much for a w@nk?"

 

She goes "fifty quid"

 

Robbie goes "How much if you're no a w@nk?"

Been done before but always a golden one. I think I've done my magical cliff joke twice on here so I won't do it again.

[Watt-Zeefuik]

Speaking of done before, I'm pretty sure I've done this one but it's worth a re-post.

 

Mickey and Minnie Mouse were in couples therapy. The therapist said, "I'm sorry Mr. Mouse, but we've done a psychiatric evaluation and there's no basis for your claim that Mrs. Mouse is mentally ill."

 

To which Mickey said, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she was ****ing Goofy!"

[Watt-Zeefuik]

[JWL]

Not sure if I've done my deja vu joke yet

[superjack]

On 27/10/2021 at 17:36, Smithee said:

 

Probably done this one before, but it's on theme.

 

Jack Ross and Robbie Neilson walk into a brothel.

Jack walks up to the counter and goes "How much for a w@nk?"

 

She goes "fifty quid"

 

Robbie goes "How much if you're no a w@nk?"

I always done this 1 as robbo and riordan walk into a brothel. Riordan asks how much for a wee wank? Robbo asks how much for a fecking legend.

Edited November 3, 2021 by superjack
Spelling, as usual.

[Pans Jambo]

15 hours ago, Led Tasso said:

Made me laugh a lot more that it should have...Brilliant.

[mrmarkus1981]

My girlfriend walked out on me, with my Bob Marley CD and my Satellite dish.

 

Oh well, No Woman No Sky.

[skinnybob72]

Is it possible to take a skin graft off my backside and have it attached to a non family member?

 

Arse skin for a friend. 

[RobNox]

A Mexican guy has a bookstore in California and one day a guy walks in and asks 'Have you got Donald Trump's book?'

 

The owner is a bit taken aback, and asks the guy 'You do know I'm Mexican?'

 

The guy says 'Whatever, I just want Donald Trump's book'

 

The owner starts to get annoyed.  'How dare you come in here and insult me like that.'

 

The guy says 'Look, I just want Donald Trump's book, what's your fecking problem buddy?'

 

Now the owner really loses it.  'Get the feck out of here right now, and I never want to see you back here again'

 

The guy says 'Yeah, that's the one, have you got a copy?'

 

[superjack]

WARNING TO ALL CAITHNESS LORRY DRIVERS 
 Researchers for the hIghland  council found over 200 dead crows near The A9/A99 recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

The council then contacted an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

The scientific conclusion was that while all the lookout crows could say "Cah", none could say "Lorry."

[superjack]

A young lad had been made redundant so he moved to London and found a new job.
His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.  At closing time, the manager came down and asked 'Ok, so how many sales did you make today?'  'One' said the lad.  'Just one!?  Our sales people average twenty to thirty sales a day! how much was the sale for?'  '£124,237.' 
The manager nearly choked and exclaimed 'what the hell did you sell him?'
'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then a new fishing rod.  Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said 'down at the coast' so I took him  to the boat store and I sold him that twin engine Power Cat.  Then he said he didn't think his car would pull it, so I took him down to the car sales and sold him the 4x4.'
The manager said 'you mean to tell me a man came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4.?
'No no no, he came in to buy a box of tampons for his girlfriend and I said well, since your weekend is screwed you might as well go fishing!'

[John Gentleman]

Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walking gait.
The result was staggering.

 

[John Gentleman]

I’m trying to organise a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.
 

[132goals1958]

[rudi must stay]

Two cows in a field which ones on holiday?

 

The one with the wee calf 

[rudi must stay]

Did you hear about Hibs new German goalie?

 

Careless Hans 

[RobNox]

A farmer is out walking with his sheep dog when he tells the dog it's time to get all the sheep back into their pen.

 

OK says the dog, I'm onto it.

 

The dog returns 15 minutes later.  Okay he says, that's them all back into the pen, all 40 of them accounted for.

 

40? says the farmer.  I only have 36 sheep

 

I know says the dog, I rounded them up

[RobNox]

What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?

 

A mechanic

Edited November 11, 2021 by RobNox

[superjack]

The Black Bra (as told by a woman) 

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.

One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years....

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. 
We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here's how it all went.........

My engaged friend:

The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams...I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long. 

The mistress:

Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:

When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said, 

" What's for dinner, Zorro? "

[Nobreath]

I got my first job as an accountant at 22, right out of college. Suddenly, the week after I turned 30, they fired me. 

13 years of loyal service to the company, down the drain.

[Der Kaiser]

1 hour ago, Nobreath said:

I got my first job as an accountant at 22, right out of college. Suddenly, the week after I turned 30, they fired me. 

13 years of loyal service to the company, down the drain.

 

I Initially thought you had posted in the wrong thread.....

 

[Nobreath]

34 minutes ago, Der Kaiser said:

 

I Initially thought you had posted in the wrong thread.....

 

 

Yes, it might have been funnier in a more serious thread.

[redjambo]

On 11/11/2021 at 19:51, RobNox said:

A farmer is out walking with his sheep dog when he tells the dog it's time to get all the sheep back into their pen.

 

OK says the dog, I'm onto it.

 

The dog returns 15 minutes later.  Okay he says, that's them all back into the pen, all 40 of them accounted for.

 

40? says the farmer.  I only have 36 sheep

 

I know says the dog, I rounded them up

 

If I'm ever at a dinner party and we have a game of "who can tell the joke that generates the most groans", I am most definitely going to use this one. Cheers, RobNox.

[rudi must stay]

There was a crime in the chip shop. The chips were salted and the fish was battered 

[RobNox]

5 hours ago, redjambo said:

 

If I'm ever at a dinner party and we have a game of "who can tell the joke that generates the most groans", I am most definitely going to use this one. Cheers, RobNox.

Thanks.  I'm doing my best to remain true to the original concept of this thread 👍

[narre]

I took a nurse back to my place last night for sex.

As I stripped off I said to her,

"You must have seen a few dicks where you work.

How do you rate mine?"

She said, "It's slightly bigger than most I see."

"Thanks," I said. "What sort of nursing do you do?"

"I'm a midwife!"

[narre]

Woman sitting next to a man on a plane,

every time he sneezes he wipes his cock,

after the 3rd time the woman speaks to him.

Woman: Do you mind?

Man: Oh sorry, I have a condition every time I sneeze I ejaculate.

Woman: Oh, sorry, are you taking anything for it?

Man: Yes, pepper!

[narre]

Just reading that there's a small island off the coast of Italy which is inhabited by 5 million Sicillion people…

That's the biggest number I've ever heard!

[narre]

Bloke just knocked on my door......

I opened it and he was about 3ft 3"tall.......

I said "who are you?"......

he said "I'm the meter man

[narre]

Just renewed my car insurance and the woman said...

Before you go do you have any pets?

Me.. Yes I have a dog

Her.. Would you like to insure him?

Me... No he can't drive.

[narre]

A police officer  at my door this morning.

“Do the letters TG mean anything to you?” He said.

“No.” I said. “What about RP?”

“No..” I said. “How about AH?” He asked.

“Look,” I said “am I suspected of something?”

“No sir.” He replied “These are just initial enquiries.”

[superjack]

What do u say to a Hibs fan with a good looking woman on his arm... Nice tattoo!

[CostaJambo]

The cops were called to my little one's nursery this morning. There was a 3 year old resisting a rest.

[samgolden]

On 15/11/2021 at 13:56, Nobreath said:

I got my first job as an accountant at 22, right out of college. Suddenly, the week after I turned 30, they fired me. 

13 years of loyal service to the company, down the drain.

my kind of humour Brill

[superjack]

A truckie walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him.

 

The waitress asks them for their orders.

 

The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' 

'Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu.

 

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays.

 

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.' 

The emu says, ' Sounds great, I'll have the same.'

 

Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

 

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

 

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man..

' Same for me,' says the emu.

 

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

 

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

 

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?'

 

'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

 

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

 

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!'

 

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there.' says the man.

Still curious the waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'

 

The truckie pauses, sighs, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say!!

[superjack]

A man was hunting when a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over & discharged, shooting him in the genitals.
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.
"Well, sir, I have some good news & some bad news.
The good news is that you are going to be OK.
The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, & we were able to remove all of the buckshot."
"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.
"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your willy which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."
"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied.
"Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"
" Not exactly answered the doctor.........
"She's a flute player in the London Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't pish in your eyes!!.

[superjack]

Paddy takes two stuffed dogs on to the Antique Roadshow.

 

"Ohh," said the presenter, "This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers Taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of the 19th century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"

 

"Sticks!" Paddy replied.

[highlandjambo3]

4 hours ago, superjack said:

Paddy takes two stuffed dogs on to the Antique Roadshow.

 

"Ohh," said the presenter, "This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers Taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of the 19th century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"

 

"Sticks!" Paddy replied.

😂😂😂 made me chuckle 👍

[rudi must stay]

Did you hear about the armless waiter?

 

He lost a fight 

[superjack]

A man involved in cloning experiments ended up with a clone that had such a foul mouth that the man pushed the clone off a cliff.  The only thing the police could charge him with was making an obscene clone fall.

[Der Kaiser]

Couple lying in bed one stormy night when there is a loud knock at their door around 3am. Guy goes downstairs and opens the door and there's a guy standing there soaked to his skin in the heavy rain.

"I'm really sorry to bother you but Im not moving out here....is there any chance you could give me a push "

"....Sorry mate...." he says and quickly closes the door. 

Goes back to his bed and climbs in. Girlfriend asks who is it and the boyfriend explains its some random asking for a push. At this point the Girlfriend sits up in bed and says "6 months ago we blew a tyre out on that country road on the way back from my parents. No phone signal, it was midnight, we had no spare, absolutely freezing and not a single car drove past us for nearly an hour but there was that one guy who stopped when he saw us. Let us sit in his car to warm up, gave us his spare tyre and even changed it for us. Made sure we were ok to drive and wouldn't even take any money from us. Imagine if he had just thought sorry mate and driven off"

Boyfriend sighs and jumps out of bed, grabs a jacket and heads out his front door. The rain is pounding down now and the wind is howling. He shouts into the darkness "Hey mate, you there...still need that push?"

In the darkness he hears "I do mate thanks"

Boyfriend says "Where about are you?"

"I'm over here on the swing"