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Unashamedly crap jokes (some are pure gold!)


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A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, "hey, funny thing, we've got a drink named after you." The grasshopper says, "you've got a drink named Larry?"

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Two elderly men, a Hearts and a Hibs fan, are walking down the street where they live. An old dog who lives on the block is out on the stoop, and bends over and starts licking himself on the balls. 

 

The Hearts fan says, "hey, wouldn't it be great to be able to do that?"

 

The Hibs fan says, "I know what you mean, but the last time I tried it he barked and then bit me in the face."

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My mother in law and myself never got on, it was loggerheads everytime we met, one day she said

"when i die i will climb out my grave and haunt you"

Well she evenualy did die

I buried her face down, let her dig

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A Boy Named Crow
On 23/10/2021 at 21:22, superjack said:

My mother in law and myself never got on, it was loggerheads everytime we met, one day she said

"when i die i will climb out my grave and haunt you"

Well she evenualy did die

I buried her face down, let her dig

Thanks for the tip!

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4 hours ago, A Boy Named Crow said:

Thanks for the tip!

I’ll take what did the hooker say to the leper for 200, please.

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A man is out walking his dog when the Man Utd score comes in, 5-0 to Liverpool.

The dog bares his teeth, growls & goes into a frenzied rage.

A passer by see this & asks, "Jesus what does the dog do if Man Utd win?"

"I don’t know," says the man. "I've only had it since August!"

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In an attempt to use sex to encourage me to do some jobs in and around the house,

my wife walked up to me and said, "I'll make you a deal.

You go outside and cut the hedges, and I'll shave my pussy."

 

I replied, "Don't be stupid. We can't both use the hedge trimmer at once!"

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The missus brought home a tub of ice cream and asked if I wanted some.

"How hard is it?" I asked.

She cheekily replied,

"As hard as your knob when you're thinking about me naked."

 

I said, "Ok, pour me a glass!"

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Sawdust Caesar

Alfred Clampitt, a six foot 4 inch, hairy drunk who has halitosis, BO, dandruff, fleas and a nasty temper, was named by police today as Britain's most unwanted man.

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I started a pessimism jar.  It's like a swear jar where you put money in if you have negative thoughts.

 

I've only had it a couple of days and it's already half empty.

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7 hours ago, Ulysses said:

I started a pessimism jar.  It's like a swear jar where you put money in if you have negative thoughts.

 

I've only had it a couple of days and it's already half empty.

Nice.

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16 hours ago, Ulysses said:

I started a pessimism jar.  It's like a swear jar where you put money in if you have negative thoughts.

 

I've only had it a couple of days and it's already half empty.

 

:lol:

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Was on Twitter the other day and some clown had the gall to call me illiterate.

 

Went and posted a photo of my parents' marriage certificate just to prove him wrong.

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manaliveits105

True story - on pop master this morning bbc radio2 

(Ken Bruce wasn’t on)

the stand in asked the contestant what he did for a living 

“I work in a factory making chess pieces “

are you calling from there ?

“Im on nights this week “

 

I would like to think Ken Bruce might have asked 

Who is on pawns ?

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Jack Ross walks into a Bank to cash a cheque. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning, Ms could you please cash this cheque for me?"

Cashier:"It would be my pleasure. Could you please show me your ID?"

Jack Ross:"Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am jack ross, Manager of hibs”.

Cashier: "Yes, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."

jack ross: Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."

Cashier: "I am sorry, Mr Ross but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."

jack ross,"Come on please, I am urging you, please cash this cheque."

Cashier: "Look sir, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque."

"Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his cheque. So, sir, what can you do to prove that it is you and only you?"

jack ross stands there thinking and thinking and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank...there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do. I don't have a clue."

Cashier: "Will that be large or small notes Mr Ross?”

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7 hours ago, superjack said:

Jack Ross walks into a Bank to cash a cheque. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning, Ms could you please cash this cheque for me?"

Cashier:"It would be my pleasure. Could you please show me your ID?"

Jack Ross:"Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am jack ross, Manager of hibs”.

Cashier: "Yes, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."

jack ross: Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."

Cashier: "I am sorry, Mr Ross but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."

jack ross,"Come on please, I am urging you, please cash this cheque."

Cashier: "Look sir, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque."

"Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his cheque. So, sir, what can you do to prove that it is you and only you?"

jack ross stands there thinking and thinking and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank...there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do. I don't have a clue."

Cashier: "Will that be large or small notes Mr Ross?”

Got a great chuckle out of that one, thanks.

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A man was having a terrible skin problem. His doctor told him to go out to the nearest dairy and buy the freshest milk he could, and take a bath in it.

 

When he got there, the farmer asked, "would you like it pasteurized?"

 

"No thanks, just up to my chin."

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7 minutes ago, Led Tasso said:

Got a great chuckle out of that one, thanks.

 

Probably done this one before, but it's on theme.

 

Jack Ross and Robbie Neilson walk into a brothel.

Jack walks up to the counter and goes "How much for a [email protected]?"

 

She goes "fifty quid"

 

Robbie goes "How much if you're no a [email protected]?"

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Just now, Smithee said:

 

Probably done this one before, but it's on theme.

 

Jack Ross and Robbie Neilson walk into a brothel.

Jack walks up to the counter and goes "How much for a [email protected]?"

 

She goes "fifty quid"

 

Robbie goes "How much if you're no a [email protected]?"

Been done before but always a golden one. :lol: I think I've done my magical cliff joke twice on here so I won't do it again.

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Speaking of done before, I'm pretty sure I've done this one but it's worth a re-post.

 

Mickey and Minnie Mouse were in couples therapy. The therapist said, "I'm sorry Mr. Mouse, but we've done a psychiatric evaluation and there's no basis for your claim that Mrs. Mouse is mentally ill."

 

To which Mickey said, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she was ****ing Goofy!"

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On 27/10/2021 at 17:36, Smithee said:

 

Probably done this one before, but it's on theme.

 

Jack Ross and Robbie Neilson walk into a brothel.

Jack walks up to the counter and goes "How much for a [email protected]?"

 

She goes "fifty quid"

 

Robbie goes "How much if you're no a [email protected]?"

I always done this 1 as robbo and riordan walk into a brothel. Riordan asks how much for a wee wank? Robbo asks how much for a fecking legend.

Edited by superjack
Spelling, as usual.
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Is it possible to take a skin graft off my backside and have it attached to a non family member?

 

Arse skin for a friend. 

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A Mexican guy has a bookstore in California and one day a guy walks in and asks 'Have you got Donald Trump's book?'

 

The owner is a bit taken aback, and asks the guy 'You do know I'm Mexican?'

 

The guy says 'Whatever, I just want Donald Trump's book'

 

The owner starts to get annoyed.  'How dare you come in here and insult me like that.'

 

The guy says 'Look, I just want Donald Trump's book, what's your fecking problem buddy?'

 

Now the owner really loses it.  'Get the feck out of here right now, and I never want to see you back here again'

 

The guy says 'Yeah, that's the one, have you got a copy?'

 

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WARNING TO ALL CAITHNESS LORRY DRIVERS 
 Researchers for the hIghland  council found over 200 dead crows near The A9/A99 recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

The council then contacted an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

The scientific conclusion was that while all the lookout crows could say "Cah", none could say "Lorry."

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A young lad had been made redundant so he moved to London and found a new job.
His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.  At closing time, the manager came down and asked 'Ok, so how many sales did you make today?'  'One' said the lad.  'Just one!?  Our sales people average twenty to thirty sales a day! how much was the sale for?'  '£124,237.' 
The manager nearly choked and exclaimed 'what the hell did you sell him?'
'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then a new fishing rod.  Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said 'down at the coast' so I took him  to the boat store and I sold him that twin engine Power Cat.  Then he said he didn't think his car would pull it, so I took him down to the car sales and sold him the 4x4.'
The manager said 'you mean to tell me a man came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4.?
'No no no, he came in to buy a box of tampons for his girlfriend and I said well, since your weekend is screwed you might as well go fishing!'

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John Gentleman

Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walking gait.
The result was staggering.


 

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A farmer is out walking with his sheep dog when he tells the dog it's time to get all the sheep back into their pen.

 

OK says the dog, I'm onto it.

 

The dog returns 15 minutes later.  Okay he says, that's them all back into the pen, all 40 of them accounted for.

 

40? says the farmer.  I only have 36 sheep

 

I know says the dog, I rounded them up

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The Black Bra (as told by a woman) 

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.

One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years....

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. 
We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here's how it all went.........

My engaged friend:

The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams...I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long. 

The mistress:

Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:

When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said, 

" What's for dinner, Zorro? "

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I got my first job as an accountant at 22, right out of college. Suddenly, the week after I turned 30, they fired me. 


13 years of loyal service to the company, down the drain.

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1 hour ago, Nobreath said:

I got my first job as an accountant at 22, right out of college. Suddenly, the week after I turned 30, they fired me. 


13 years of loyal service to the company, down the drain.

 

I Initially thought you had posted in the wrong thread.....

 

image.png.e7f31b016b2a5d466d73d189c73667ee.png

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34 minutes ago, Der Kaiser said:

 

I Initially thought you had posted in the wrong thread.....

 

image.png.e7f31b016b2a5d466d73d189c73667ee.png

 

Yes, it might have been funnier in a more serious thread.:laugh:

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On 11/11/2021 at 19:51, RobNox said:

A farmer is out walking with his sheep dog when he tells the dog it's time to get all the sheep back into their pen.

 

OK says the dog, I'm onto it.

 

The dog returns 15 minutes later.  Okay he says, that's them all back into the pen, all 40 of them accounted for.

 

40? says the farmer.  I only have 36 sheep

 

I know says the dog, I rounded them up

 

If I'm ever at a dinner party and we have a game of "who can tell the joke that generates the most groans", I am most definitely going to use this one. Cheers, RobNox.

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