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Smithee

Unashamedly crap jokes (some are pure gold!)

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narre

I went to a fetish restaurant last night... I got toed in the hole!

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Kiwidoug
On 18/04/2020 at 06:20, JWL said:

Got told I had to see a grief counselor after not taking the death of my father and then my mother too well. Guy was brilliant, he died last week and I never gave a fu*k 

That one had my mate and I almost literally urinating ourselves.  He's a big Facebook guy so it will be round the world by now.

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narre

I'm normally employed at a factory making cuddly toy versions of animals

but we are all off because of the Corona Virus.

I fill up the machine with the soft material on the outside of the toy...

I’m a fur load worker!

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narre

A man tried to sell me a coffin today.

I said, "That's the last thing I need!"

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narre

A man goes to hospital feeling unwell.

The doctor says, "You have Corona Virus.

We're transferring you to a room where you will be fed a diet of pizza, toast & pancakes

." "Will that cure me?" asks the man.

"No," says the doctor. "It's the only food we can pass under the door!"

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narre

Knock knock

 

"Who's there?"

 

"Grandad!"

 

"SHIT! Stop the funeral!"

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narre

My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a roger...

It was only when I had my trousers round my ankles,

that I realised she wanted to rent out her spare room!

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superjack

In america, a vicar has been charged by the police for injecting himself with disinfectant. He's been charged with bleach of the priest.

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narre

Apparently IVF treatment for lesbians has been stopped due to Corona Virus...

The NHS are offering an alternative therapy using Trycoxagain!

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Morgan
14 hours ago, narre said:

Apparently IVF treatment for lesbians has been stopped due to Corona Virus...

The NHS are offering an alternative therapy using Trycoxagain!

 

70D8A7DB-7AEC-4E6F-A6A4-AE433001E4AC.jpeg

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milky_26
2 minutes ago, Morgan said:

 

70D8A7DB-7AEC-4E6F-A6A4-AE433001E4AC.jpeg

image.jpg

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superjack

A teacher asks her class what their favourite letter is.

A student puts up his hand and says "G".

The teacher says, "Why is that Angus?"

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JWL

Young couple just moved in next door to me and they've already made a sex tape................................they obviously don't know this yet.

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EH11_2NL
On 25/04/2020 at 03:50, narre said:

My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a roger...

It was only when I had my trousers round my ankles,

that I realised she wanted to rent out her spare room!

😄

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narre

As a small boy, I shared a bed with my 5 big brothers,

and an old raincoat instead of a blanket...

It was tough growing up in the hood!

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narre

A teacher asks her class what their favorite letter is.

A student puts up his hand and says, "G".

The teacher says, "Why is that, Angus?"

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narre

A wife comes home early to find her husband shagging a midget.

"You promised me you wouldn't cheat on me again!" she screamed.

"Calm down will you," he replied. "Can't you see I'm trying to cut down!"

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narre

Going to start a dildo repair service after the lockdown..

I'll call it "InspectHerGadget!"

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ri Alban

Did ye hear about the Irish shite?

It done a Man.

 

 

 

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Smithee

Hear about the fly that won the lottery?

He bought a shite in Spain.

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superjack
3 hours ago, narre said:

A teacher asks her class what their favorite letter is.

A student puts up his hand and says, "G".

The teacher says, "Why is that, Angus?"

Copycat.

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narre
2 minutes ago, superjack said:

Copycat.

Sorry matey,can't remember whats been done before       :facepalm:

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superjack
1 hour ago, narre said:

Sorry matey,can't remember whats been done before       :facepalm:

As you're the best poster on this thread (after me obviously), I'll forgive you.

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narre
2 hours ago, superjack said:

As you're the best poster on this thread (after me obviously), I'll forgive you.

:fonzie:

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Morgan
On 29/04/2020 at 10:43, superjack said:

A teacher asks her class what their favourite letter is.

A student puts up his hand and says "G".

The teacher says, "Why is that Angus?"

 

10 hours ago, narre said:

A teacher asks her class what their favorite letter is.

A student puts up his hand and says, "G".

The teacher says, "Why is that, Angus?"

Right, guys.

 

I’ve read this 119 times, I’m still lost.  🤷🏿‍♂️

 

:sad: 

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redjambo
1 minute ago, Morgan said:

 

Right, guys.

 

I’ve read this 119 times, I’m still lost.  🤷🏿‍♂️

 

:sad: 

 

Take the g away from Angus. What have you got? ;)

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Lemongrab
1 minute ago, redjambo said:

 

Take the g away from Angus. What have you got? ;)

It almost works with his name too. :whistling: 

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Smithee
4 minutes ago, Morgan said:

 

Right, guys.

 

I’ve read this 119 times, I’m still lost.  🤷🏿‍♂️

 

:sad: 

:laugh:

get_a_brain_morans.jpg

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Smithee
1 minute ago, Lemongrab said:

It almost works with his name too. :whistling: 

Haha beat me to it

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redjambo
4 minutes ago, Lemongrab said:

It almost works with his name too. :whistling: 

 

:D

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Morgan
20 minutes ago, redjambo said:

 

Take the g away from Angus. What have you got? ;)

 

18 minutes ago, Lemongrab said:

It almost works with his name too. :whistling: 

 

16 minutes ago, Smithee said:

:laugh:

get_a_brain_morans.jpg

 

16 minutes ago, Smithee said:

Haha beat me to it

 

13 minutes ago, redjambo said:

 

:D

Ok, ok.  😢😢

 

I’m tired, right?

 

 

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redjambo
1 minute ago, Morgan said:

Ok, ok.  😢😢

 

I’m tired, right?

 

That's ok, Morgan, old chap. You probably could do with a gnap. 🤗

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Smithee
1 minute ago, redjambo said:

 

That's ok, Morgan, old chap. You probably could do with a gnap. 🤗

:yas:

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Morgan
2 minutes ago, redjambo said:

 

That's ok, Morgan, old chap. You probably could do with a gnap. 🤗

 

Just now, Smithee said:

:yas:

Gpiss off!

 

:gok: 

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Smithee
40 minutes ago, Morgan said:

 

Gpiss off!

 

:gok: 

:laugh: there he is!

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ri Alban
Posted (edited)
2 hours ago, Morgan said:

 

Right, guys.

 

I’ve read this 119 times, I’m still lost.  🤷🏿‍♂️

 

:sad: 

Anus

 

 

 

 

Aa well!

Edited by ri Alban

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Morgan
1 hour ago, Smithee said:

:laugh: there he is!

 

14 minutes ago, ri Alban said:

Anus

 

 

 

 

Aa well!

I’m in the huff now.  :sadrobbo:

 

And I won’t be coming out of it any time soon.

 

So there.  :P

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milky_26
13 minutes ago, Morgan said:

 

I’m in the ghuff now.  :sadrobbo:

 

And I won’t be coming out of it any time soon.

 

So there.  :P

ftfy

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Morgan
1 hour ago, milky_26 said:

ftfy

:lol: 

 

I somehow get the impression that I’ve not heard the end of this.

 

Wish I’d shut my biG mouth.

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superjack
31 minutes ago, Morgan said:

:lol: 

 

I somehow get the impression that I’ve not heard the end of this.

 

Wish I’d shut my biG mouth.

That’s the problem with the wine bein so cheap in France, easy to miss thins.

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Morgan
26 minutes ago, superjack said:

That’s the problem with the wine bein so cheap in France, easy to miss thins.

:isee:  Very ood. :clap:

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jb102

The heaviest man to ever ride a derby winner was Lester Piggott's cell mate.

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Swanny17

What do you call a magician who’s lost his magic?

 

Ian. 

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narre

"Doctor, Doctor, please help! I'm getting married soon and I can't get over my fear of wedding vows.

Do you know of a cure?"

"I can't say I do."

"Not you as well!"

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scott herbertson
4 hours ago, Swanny17 said:

What do you call a magician who’s lost his magic?

 

Ian. 

 

 

I shouldn't find that funny but I do

 

Jeez I must be getting bored!

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Worthing Jambo

Love this thread👍😂

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80bob
Posted (edited)

My wife who is a bit deaf came back from the doctors in tears and told me the doctor said she had a nice hole. Turns out she acute angina 

Edited by 80bob
Spelling

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Maple Leaf
14 hours ago, Swanny17 said:

What do you call a magician who’s lost his magic?

 

Ian. 

Clever.  :thumb:

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narre

I saw my neighbour jogging at 1am this morning

. I said, "It's a bit late for you Sarah, isn't it?"

"I couldn't sleep," she replied.

"That's not what I meant, you fat cow!"

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