narre Posted July 26, 2020 Share Posted July 26, 2020 My wife assured me that size didn't matter, but all of her dildos look like they're missing a lamp shade! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted July 26, 2020 Share Posted July 26, 2020 I bought my wife a Pug as a present... Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes and rolls of fat, the dog seems to like her! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted July 26, 2020 Share Posted July 26, 2020 I went on a date last night with a hot girl who has eczema... Cracking tits! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted July 29, 2020 Share Posted July 29, 2020 I told my suitcases that there would be no vacation this year. Now I'm dealing with emotional baggage. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted July 30, 2020 Share Posted July 30, 2020 I'm giving up drinking for a month. Sorry, bad punctuation. I'm giving up. Drinking for a month. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckyBatistuta Posted July 30, 2020 Share Posted July 30, 2020 On 26/07/2020 at 10:25, narre said: I went on a date last night with a hot girl who has eczema... Cracking tits! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LeftBack Posted July 30, 2020 Share Posted July 30, 2020 Thanks to all those who wished me a happy birthday. I did hope for £30 and I got the money from Domingo and Carreras. But with Pavarotti no longer with us, I didnt get the three tenors. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ericthepen Posted July 31, 2020 Share Posted July 31, 2020 On 17/07/2020 at 05:23, narre said: I've opened a restaurant called 'Peace and Quiet'... Kids meals are £250! This comment cannot be topped Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted September 3, 2020 Share Posted September 3, 2020 My phone was ringing this afternoon. When I answered it, someone sneezed and just hung up. Bloody cold calls. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted September 3, 2020 Share Posted September 3, 2020 I read that a banana a day helps to keep your colon clean. I just wish I realised that you are meant to eat them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted September 3, 2020 Share Posted September 3, 2020 My wife was trying to be sexy last night, sliding a lollipop in and out of her front door. "Be careful dear" I said, "you'll be needing that to help the children cross the road in the morning". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted September 3, 2020 Share Posted September 3, 2020 Went for a walk with my new girlfriend and we saw two dogs mating, she said 'how does the male know when the female is ready for sex'? I replied he can smell she is ready thats how nature works! We then walked past a sheep field and the ram was mating the yew, again my girlfreind asked how the ram knew when the yew was ready for sex. I replied 'its nature he can smell she is ready'! We then went past a cow field and the bull was mating the cow, my girlfriend said this is odd they are all at it, surely the bull can’t smell when she is ready, I said look its nature all animals can smell when the female is ready for sex. Anyway, after the walk I dropped her home and kissed her goodbye, she said 'see you soon but I hope your cold gets better'! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted September 3, 2020 Share Posted September 3, 2020 Me and the wife were out for a meal. The waitress came over and asked if we were ready to order. I told her that the wife was in the toilet. Waitress asked if I knew what she was having. I said, well she's been 10 minutes so probably a shite. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted September 3, 2020 Share Posted September 3, 2020 A woman asked her husband, "What about me do you like the best, my pretty face or my sexy body?" Her husband looked at her up and down then replied, "I like your sense of humour." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted September 4, 2020 Share Posted September 4, 2020 My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it? " I replied "No." She responded, "How about now?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted September 4, 2020 Share Posted September 4, 2020 entered Mr Universe in 1992... I didn't enjoy the experience very much but we still keep in touch! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted September 4, 2020 Share Posted September 4, 2020 My doctor keeps telling me my tequila habit will kill me... I take it all with a pinch of salt! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted September 4, 2020 Share Posted September 4, 2020 I was speaking to a Chinese bloke in the pub the other night. I asked him what he does for a living and he said, "I'm a Pirate." I said, "Oh, you sail on a boat? " He replied, "No, I fry pranes!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted September 4, 2020 Share Posted September 4, 2020 My wife told me to get our ginger son ready for his first day at school... So I punched him in the face and stole his dinner money! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ri Alban Posted September 5, 2020 Share Posted September 5, 2020 On 03/09/2020 at 20:31, superjack said: Went for a walk with my new girlfriend and we saw two dogs mating, she said 'how does the male know when the female is ready for sex'? I replied he can smell she is ready thats how nature works! We then walked past a sheep field and the ram was mating the yew, again my girlfreind asked how the ram knew when the yew was ready for sex. I replied 'its nature he can smell she is ready'! We then went past a cow field and the bull was mating the cow, my girlfriend said this is odd they are all at it, surely the bull can’t smell when she is ready, I said look its nature all animals can smell when the female is ready for sex. Anyway, after the walk I dropped her home and kissed her goodbye, she said 'see you soon but I hope your cold gets better'! Does your wife know and her. 😁 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted September 5, 2020 Share Posted September 5, 2020 I tried to get into a trendy London nightclub last night. The doorman said to me, "Sorry mate, you've had too many." I replied, "What, drinks?" He said, "No, birthdays!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted September 5, 2020 Share Posted September 5, 2020 As I was getting in bed, she said, "You’re drunk." I said, "How do you know? " She said, "You live next door!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted September 5, 2020 Share Posted September 5, 2020 I was on a first date last night, and as the waiter was clearing our table, my date said she'd like to see more of me... So I got my knob out! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted September 5, 2020 Share Posted September 5, 2020 A new strain of head lice is going around which is resistant to conventional treatments... It has left scientists scratching their heads! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted September 5, 2020 Share Posted September 5, 2020 Two priests at a Bucking Bronco contest. The first priest hardly lasts 30 seconds, but the second priest lasts well over 2 minutes and walks away with the prize money. The first priest says, "I don't know how you do it." The second replies, "One of my choirboys is epileptic!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted September 5, 2020 Share Posted September 5, 2020 Her: "I'm a model." Me: "Oh cool, what agency?" Her: "No, I'm an Instagram model." Me: "Ah ok. I used to be a sniper." Her: "Oh wow. What, in the army?" Me: "No, Call of Duty!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted September 5, 2020 Share Posted September 5, 2020 Everyone was excited to be at our autopsy club this evening... It was open Mike night! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted September 5, 2020 Share Posted September 5, 2020 Genie: "I shall grant you 3 wishes." Me: "I wish for a world without lawyers." Genie: "Done, you have no more wishes." Me: "But you said I had 3 wishes." Genie: "Sue me!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Real Maroonblood Posted September 7, 2020 Share Posted September 7, 2020 On 03/09/2020 at 20:28, superjack said: My wife was trying to be sexy last night, sliding a lollipop in and out of her front door. "Be careful dear" I said, "you'll be needing that to help the children cross the road in the morning". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted September 12, 2020 Share Posted September 12, 2020 What did Spartacus say when the lion ate his wife ? Nothing. He was gladiator. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted September 12, 2020 Share Posted September 12, 2020 I was expelled from the Catholic Girls School because I wasn't Catholic... Or a girl! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted September 12, 2020 Share Posted September 12, 2020 As of Monday next week, the Seven Dwarfs have been advised that they can only meet in groups of six... One of them isn't Happy! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted September 12, 2020 Share Posted September 12, 2020 I was watching TV with my Gran when a sex scene came on. Disgusted, she said, "Back in my day we wouldn't have allowed that." I asked, "Sex scenes?" She replied, "No, shaved ******s!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted September 14, 2020 Share Posted September 14, 2020 Doctor leaning over a patient in surgery: "Relax, David, it's only a small surgery so there's no need to panic." Patient: "Sorry, doc, my name isn't David." Doctor: "I know. I'm David." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted September 14, 2020 Share Posted September 14, 2020 Will glass coffins ever be popular? Remains to be seen. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted September 14, 2020 Share Posted September 14, 2020 When I was a kid you could go to the store with a penny, and come home with two bags of crisps, two chocolate bars, and a bottle of Coca-Cola. Now they have cameras everywhere. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted September 21, 2020 Share Posted September 21, 2020 What do you get of you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by it's diameter? Pumpkin pi. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted September 22, 2020 Share Posted September 22, 2020 I have a mate with only 1 leg who works at the brewery. He's in charge of the hops. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HMFC01 Posted September 22, 2020 Share Posted September 22, 2020 Guy goes to a speech therapist. He says "I am having a problem with my r's, can you help me?". The therapist tells him "It's a proctologist you need to ask for that". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted September 23, 2020 Share Posted September 23, 2020 My wife started crying about her weight while we were eating our lunch today. I said, "Chin up, love ." She said, "Aw, thanks babe. I'm glad I have you to support me." I replied, "No, I mean pull your chin up. It's in your soup!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted September 23, 2020 Share Posted September 23, 2020 I tried to smuggle a rugby ball through customs... I thought it was worth a try! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted September 23, 2020 Share Posted September 23, 2020 I've designed a plane made entirely from rubber, so that when it crashes it will bounce... It's a Boing 747! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted September 23, 2020 Share Posted September 23, 2020 I watched a coughing contest on TV between residents of Botany Bay, Whitley Bay and Morecambe Bay... I love the Great British Bay Cough! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted September 23, 2020 Share Posted September 23, 2020 What's the difference between a chick pea and a lentil? Never had a lentil on my face! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted September 23, 2020 Share Posted September 23, 2020 IKEA's football team is playing tonight... Manager Alan Key is expected to line up with a flatpack four! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sawdust Caesar Posted September 23, 2020 Share Posted September 23, 2020 I saw a couple holding hands while jogging and it made me hopeful that one day I would meet someone who would hate them with me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted September 30, 2020 Share Posted September 30, 2020 What do you call an IT teacher who interferes with his young students? A PDF file. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnB Posted September 30, 2020 Share Posted September 30, 2020 (edited) Sorry this aint a joke - it's real! - part of a series of posters which took it's inspiration from comments left by tourists on Trip Advisor . https://indy-prints.com/collections/one-star-scotland?page=1 They'll be happy about this beyond the Boundary Bar - and I don't think. Edited September 30, 2020 by JohnB Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EH11_2NL Posted September 30, 2020 Share Posted September 30, 2020 On 22/09/2020 at 20:52, narre said: What's the difference between a chick pea and a lentil? Never had a lentil on my face! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dawnrazor Posted September 30, 2020 Share Posted September 30, 2020 7 minutes ago, EH11_2NL said: It's like that one, what's the difference between jam and marmalade! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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