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Smithee

Unashamedly crap jokes (some are pure gold!)

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narre

The barmen last night said, "You look terrible.

Why not have a glass of whisky for 20p?"

 

I thought, "That's a cheap shot!"

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I P Knightley
1 hour ago, narre said:
 
Looking for a bit of advice.
What's the best number of Roses to give the girlfriend for Valentine's Day?
6?
12?
24?
 
 
 
Or the whole tin?

Don't overthink it. Just give her 1. 

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Cairneyhill Jambo

Panda walks into a bar and asks the barman "can i have a vodka and.............................................................cola please?"

 

The barman replies "whats the big pause all about? "

 

The panda says "**** knows, i was born with them."

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superjack

When you die, which body parts die last?

The pupils, they dilate.

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superjack

Bill was walking down the street when he ran into an old friend he hadn't seen for a while, so they went into a coffee shop to catch up.

"Did you hear that old Dave died the other day?" Bill asked. "What? But I just saw him last week! How did it happen?" "Well, he was coming around to my place when his car skidded on the stones out front, smashed through the fence, flipped into the air and he was hurled through the windscreen and straight through the upstairs bedroom window".

"Boy, poor old Dave. What a way to go".

"No, that didn't kill him. There he was, lying in broken glass on the bedroom floor, so he grabbed hold of the wardrobe door handle to pull himself up, and ended up tipping the whole thing over, fell right on top of him".

"Damn! Crushed to death!"

"No, that didn't kill him. He got to his feet, tripped on the loose glass, staggered out the bedroom door and straight down the stairs, taking the banisters with him. Ended up at the bottom of the stairs with a banister pole through his chest".

"Speared to death! My god!"

"No, that didn't kill him. He managed to stand up and go into the kitchen, slipped on the blood from his chest, fell forward, went straight through the glass oven door and ended up with his head in the roasting pan".

"So gassed to death!"

"No, that didn't kill him. He picked himself up and..."

"Wait a minute, after all that he still wasn't dead? How did he die then?" "I shot him". "You shot him??? Why???" "I had to... he was wrecking the place!

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superjack

Wife phoned me from work on Valentine's Day saying three of the girls in the office had received flowers and they're absolutely gorgeous.

That's probably why they got the flowers then and you didn't, I replied. 

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RobNox

What's one foot long and slippery?

 

A slipper

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RobNox

I went to my local Blockbusters and asked if I could borrow Batman Forever.

 

No, said the assistant, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow.

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narre

I once went out with a nurse.

One night whilst in the hospital carpark,

I got down on one knee and asked for her hand in marriage...

She turned me down on medical grounds!

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narre

In an attempt to use sex to encourage me to do some jobs in and around the house,

my wife walked up to me and said, "I'll make you a deal.

You go outside and cut the hedges, and I'll shave my pussy."

I replied, "Don't be stupid. We can't both use the hedge trimmer at once!"

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Lemongrab

For Valentine's Day, I bought my wife a gold necklace from eBay.

After I'd fastened it on, her skin started to go a funny blue colour,

so I assumed it was a fake.

 

Turned out it was a bracelet.

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narre

A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder.

The barman says, "What an interesting pet. What's his name?"

"Tiny," the man replies. "What an odd name. Why do you call him Tiny?"

 

 

"Because, he's my newt!"

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superjack

A 13 year old weasel walks into a bar and approaches the counter. The bartender immediately notices the underage weasel. "Sir, you look extremely young. I can't serve you even a single beer". "Oh c'mon. You can't just slide me one?" "Can't and will not serve to anyone under age". "Fine. Well what other things do you have?" "Well for non-alcoholic drinks I have tap water and bottled water, I have coffee, and I have pop. Which would you like?" "Pop" goes the weasel.

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Jeff
5 minutes ago, superjack said:

A 13 year old weasel walks into a bar and approaches the counter. The bartender immediately notices the underage weasel. "Sir, you look extremely young. I can't serve you even a single beer". "Oh c'mon. You can't just slide me one?" "Can't and will not serve to anyone under age". "Fine. Well what other things do you have?" "Well for non-alcoholic drinks I have tap water and bottled water, I have coffee, and I have pop. Which would you like?" "Pop" goes the weasel.

 

Fs

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Smithee
4 hours ago, Jeff said:

 

Fs

:laugh2: yep

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superjack
11 hours ago, Jeff said:

 

Fs

 

6 hours ago, Smithee said:

:laugh2: yep

Boooooo.

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Smithee
1 minute ago, superjack said:

 

Boooooo.

It's the reason this thread exists mate, what's a crap joke without a "jesus christ" in response?

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superjack
3 hours ago, Smithee said:

It's the reason this thread exists mate, what's a crap joke without a "jesus christ" in response?

I know, I just thought it was an amazing joke. Well it would have been after 10 pints and a few smokes. 😉

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superjack

People often ask me, how I manage to smuggle chocolate into the pictures?
Well....I have a few Twix up my sleeve

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Lemongrab

In a job interview, the manager is looking at an American applicant's CV, and asks him, "Why is there a 4 year gap?".

  The guy says "Yale."

"Can you start on Monday?

   "Great, I was desperate for a yob."

 

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ri Alban
8 hours ago, superjack said:

People often ask me, how I manage to smuggle chocolate into the pictures?
Well....I have a few Twix up my sleeve

That's a REVELation. 

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redjambo
On 18/02/2020 at 19:41, superjack said:

A 13 year old weasel walks into a bar and approaches the counter. The bartender immediately notices the underage weasel. "Sir, you look extremely young. I can't serve you even a single beer". "Oh c'mon. You can't just slide me one?" "Can't and will not serve to anyone under age". "Fine. Well what other things do you have?" "Well for non-alcoholic drinks I have tap water and bottled water, I have coffee, and I have pop. Which would you like?" "Pop" goes the weasel.

 

I agree with other people's comments on this joke.

 

What was the weasel in weasel years?

 

If we're talking the common UK species, Mustela nivalis, they have an average lifespan of 2-3 years. For a weasel to get to 13, it would be the equivalent of over 400 years old, i.e. not very possible. That barman should be sacked if he thought that weasel looked "extremely young" - you just can't get the staff these days. Give that very geriatric weasel the run of the bar, I say!!!

 

:wink:

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highlandjambo3
4 hours ago, ri Alban said:

That's a REVELation. 

He was bounty say that 

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superjack
5 hours ago, highlandjambo3 said:

He was bounty say that 

An out of the galaxy pun.

 

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superjack

I asked the surgeon if I could administer my own anaesthetic.

"Go ahead," he said, "Knock yourself out."

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Vlad Magic

I’ve just been diagnosed with Corona Virus.

 

If anyone knows anyone with Lymes disease could they pass on my details please?

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JFK-1

Donald Trump goes into a library and loudly says a big mac and fries please. The librarian says, sir, this is a library. Trump looks embarrassed, whispers, a big mac and fries please.

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Sawdust Caesar

I brought my daughter to my office on a take-your-kid-to-work day, and after about ten minutes she started crying.

 

I said "What's wrong? Aren't you having a good time?"

 

"No!" she said. "Where are all the clowns you said you worked with?!"

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superjack

I bet Rick Astley really struggles with Lent.

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narre

A couple are driving home when they run over a badger.

They get out & discover the badger is still breathing but freezing cold

. The husband says, "Put it between your legs to warm it up

." The wife replies, "But it's all wet & it stinks."

He says, "Well hold the badgers nose then!"

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narre

My hibby mate was telling me about the Annual Incest competition...

He entered his sister!

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ri Alban

Just before Paddy walks in the pub, he sees a dog jobbie at the door. So he picks it up, walks in and says to his mate "Hey Mick, look what I nearly stood on".

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superjack

I started a band 6 months ago called 999 megabytes.

We still haven't got a gig yet.

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Meadows
On 21/02/2020 at 14:19, superjack said:

An out of the galaxy pun.

 


you can stick your puns up Mars .... 

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narre

The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I'd like to masturbate in the cup.

I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet!"

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narre

I'll never forget my first day at school.

I forgot my PE kit and had to do the lesson in my underpants...

And that's how lost my job as a teacher!

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narre

I was in the chemist and I said to the assistant,

"What gets rid of coronavirus?"

She said, "Ammonia cleaner."

I said, "Oh sorry, I thought you worked here!"

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Kiwidoug
22 hours ago, narre said:

I was in the chemist and I said to the assistant,

"What gets rid of coronavirus?"

She said, "Ammonia cleaner."

I said, "Oh sorry, I thought you worked here!"

Top notch topical joke.  I'll use it.

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John Gentleman
On 03/03/2020 at 17:28, narre said:

I was in the chemist and I said to the assistant,

"What gets rid of coronavirus?"

She said, "Ammonia cleaner."

I said, "Oh sorry, I thought you worked here!"

 

5 hours ago, Kiwidoug said:

Top notch topical joke.  I'll use it.

Tried it on some Aussie colleagues today. Got the 'WTF?' look.

Must be the way we (Scots) pronounce it.

Good luck trying it on with the Kiwis Doug.

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A Boy Named Crow
Posted (edited)
59 minutes ago, John Gentleman said:

 

Tried it on some Aussie colleagues today. Got the 'WTF?' look.

Must be the way we (Scots) pronounce it.

Good luck trying it on with the Kiwis Doug.

Yup tried it tonight on a room full of Aussies (including the wife,  who is well used to my level of humour). The tumbleweed just rolled on through...

Edited by A Boy Named Crow

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Maple Leaf
On 03/03/2020 at 01:58, narre said:

I was in the chemist and I said to the assistant,

"What gets rid of coronavirus?"

She said, "Ammonia cleaner."

I said, "Oh sorry, I thought you worked here!"

 

2 hours ago, John Gentleman said:

 

Tried it on some Aussie colleagues today. Got the 'WTF?' look.

Must be the way we (Scots) pronounce it.

Good luck trying it on with the Kiwis Doug.

 

1 hour ago, A Boy Named Crow said:

Yup tried it tonight on a room full of Aussies (including the wife,  who is well used to my level of humour). The tumbleweed just rolled on through...

 

Great joke, but it will work only with Scots.  Canadians wouldn't get it either.

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Dawnrazor
2 hours ago, Maple Leaf said:

 

 

 

Great joke, but it will work only with Scots.  Canadians wouldn't get it either.

Or the English.

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highlandjambo3
3 hours ago, Maple Leaf said:

 

 

 

Great joke, but it will work only with Scots.  Canadians wouldn't get it either.

True story.....

 

reminds me of a time in Bosnia rebuilding a kindergarten in Novi Travnic........we were due a visit from the UN Secretary General and, it was a big deal, tv cameras CNN, Sky the lot so, along comes his car entourage and out he gets.  Hundreds of people in attendance including about 60odd kids who used to hang about and watch us work every day and generally get into mischief.

 

Then the kids started chanting “cheesy bellender.......cheesy bellender” at the top of their voices 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂.

 

We used interpreters often because of the language barrier and, one of the guys got a hold of an interpreter and said it was a custom to greet a great Scotsman in our homeland by chanting “cheesy bellender” so, she passed this onto the kids.....hilarious....cracks me up thinking about it.  So you could hear this later on the news but, fortunately cheesy bellender was not a term anyone outside Scotland was familiar with........

 

There were grown adults pishing themselves laughing.

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Maple Leaf
2 hours ago, highlandjambo3 said:

True story.....

 

reminds me of a time in Bosnia rebuilding a kindergarten in Novi Travnic........we were due a visit from the UN Secretary General and, it was a big deal, tv cameras CNN, Sky the lot so, along comes his car entourage and out he gets.  Hundreds of people in attendance including about 60odd kids who used to hang about and watch us work every day and generally get into mischief.

 

Then the kids started chanting “cheesy bellender.......cheesy bellender” at the top of their voices 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂.

 

We used interpreters often because of the language barrier and, one of the guys got a hold of an interpreter and said it was a custom to greet a great Scotsman in our homeland by chanting “cheesy bellender” so, she passed this onto the kids.....hilarious....cracks me up thinking about it.  So you could hear this later on the news but, fortunately cheesy bellender was not a term anyone outside Scotland was familiar with........

 

There were grown adults pishing themselves laughing.

 

:biggrin:

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Darren
On 02/03/2020 at 22:36, superjack said:

I started a band 6 months ago called 999 megabytes.

We still haven't got a gig yet.

 

Neither have 1,023 megabytes, although they are closer to it.

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redjambo
11 hours ago, Darren said:

 

Neither have 1,023 megabytes, although they are closer to it.

 

Mebi.

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Morgan
On 04/03/2020 at 14:00, Maple Leaf said:

 

 

 

Great joke, but it will work only with Scots.  Canadians wouldn't get it either.

I sent it to our friends in California.

 

They were like :wtfvlad:

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superjack

The worst pub I've ever been to was called ..The Fiddle. It really was a vile inn.

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Maple Leaf
41 minutes ago, Morgan said:

I sent it to our friends in California.

 

They were like :wtfvlad:

 

No surprise there!  :biggrin:

 

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Morgan
19 minutes ago, Maple Leaf said:

 

No surprise there!  :biggrin:

 

:sadrobbo:

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