Jump to content
Smithee

Unashamedly crap jokes (some are pure gold!)

Recommended Posts

martoon

What size is the queue at B&Q? 

 

The same size as the B. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
narre

BREAKING: Statue of Boris Johnson to be placed on Thames riverbed to save time later!

 

A lorry load of Brillo pads was stolen last night...

Police are currently scouring the area!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
narre

I've accidentally swallowed some scrabble squares...

Going for a poo could spell trouble!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
narre

"I love you loads, honey pie,"my wife said earlier.

"And I love you tons," I replied.

"What, no nickname for me?" she asked.

Sometimes I swear the fat cow is going deaf!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
superjack

I wasn't very close to .y grandfather when he died. Just as well really as he stood on a landmine.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Maple Leaf

If you get an email with the subject "Knock, knock", don't open it.

 

It's a Jehovah's Witness working from home.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
superjack

I went to the barbers for a number 2.
They were furious.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
kila

A wee boy is staying with his gran. Needing the toilet, he says 'I need a pish gran'. Furious with such language, she told him in future to say he 'needs a whisper'.

 

The next day the boy is sent home early from school, and sobbing he tells his gran what happened. 'I put my hand up and said to the teacher I need to whisper and she said to come and do it in her ear'. The gran shrugging replied 'just as well you didn't need a shout!'

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Maple Leaf

Don't be embarrassed about wearing a face mask in public.

 

Some people wear Hibs jerseys.  :sick:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
luckyBatistuta

Here's a strange one, a guy came to our door last night, he asked if I wanted my shed re-tarred, I said no and sent him on his way. Woke up this morning and the shed was gone

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Swanny17
2 hours ago, luckyBatistuta said:

Here's a strange one, a guy came to our door last night, he asked if I wanted my shed re-tarred, I said no and sent him on his way. Woke up this morning and the shed was gone


:rofl:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
I P Knightley
16 hours ago, luckyBatistuta said:

Here's a strange one, a guy came to our door last night, he asked if I wanted my shed re-tarred, I said no and sent him on his way. Woke up this morning and the shed was gone

Like it!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
I P Knightley

I just heard that there will be clapping for Dame Vera Lynn. Don't know where; don't know when. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
superjack

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, “hang on! You’re a duck.”

“I see your eyes are working,” replies the duck.

“And you can talk!” exclaims the barman.

“I see your ears are working, too,” says the Duck.  “Now if you don’t mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?”

“Certainly, sorry about that” says the barman as he pulls the duck’s pint.  “It ‘s just we don’t get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?”

“I’m working on the building site across the road,” explains the duck.  “I’m a plasterer.”

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him “you’re with the circus, aren’t you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!”

“Sounds marvelous,” says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. “Get him to give me a call.”

So the next day when the Duck comes into the pub the barman says, “hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.”

“I’m always looking for the next job,” says the duck.  “Where is it?”

“At the circus,” says the barman.

“The circus?” repeats the duck.

“That’s right,” replies the barman.

“The circus?” the duck asks again. “With the big tent?”

“Yeah,” the barman replies.

“With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?” says the duck.

“Of course,” the barman replies.

“And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?” persists the duck.

“That’s right!” says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says ..

“What the **** would they want with a plasterer??!”

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
narre

My mate down the allotment swears by horse manure on his rhubarb...

Personally, I much prefer custard!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
narre

My boss said to me,

"Why do you come out in a rash every time I give you your wages?"

I said, "It's because I'm allergic to peanuts!"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
narre

During a safety meeting at work, I was asked 

"What steps would you take in event of a fire?"

"Really big ones!" was apparently not the right answer.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Rab Mac52
17 hours ago, superjack said:

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, “hang on! You’re a duck.”

“I see your eyes are working,” replies the duck.

“And you can talk!” exclaims the barman.

“I see your ears are working, too,” says the Duck.  “Now if you don’t mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?”

“Certainly, sorry about that” says the barman as he pulls the duck’s pint.  “It ‘s just we don’t get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?”

“I’m working on the building site across the road,” explains the duck.  “I’m a plasterer.”

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him “you’re with the circus, aren’t you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!”

“Sounds marvelous,” says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. “Get him to give me a call.”

So the next day when the Duck comes into the pub the barman says, “hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.”

“I’m always looking for the next job,” says the duck.  “Where is it?”

“At the circus,” says the barman.

“The circus?” repeats the duck.

“That’s right,” replies the barman.

“The circus?” the duck asks again. “With the big tent?”

“Yeah,” the barman replies.

“With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?” says the duck.

“Of course,” the barman replies.

“And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?” persists the duck.

“That’s right!” says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says ..

“What the **** would they want with a plasterer??!”

Brilliant. Just what's needed on a wet Saturday afternoon.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Vlad Magic

The actor Yul Brynner famous for films such as The magnificent 7 and Westworld was a lifelong Liverpool fan.

 

He also refused to wear aftershave.

 

Thats right. Yul never wore cologne.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Maple Leaf
2 hours ago, Vlad Magic said:

The actor Yul Brynner famous for films such as The magnificent 7 and Westworld was a lifelong Liverpool fan.

 

He also refused to wear aftershave.

 

Thats right. Yul never wore cologne.

 

:clap:

 

That's a real groaner.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Morgan
8 hours ago, Vlad Magic said:

The actor Yul Brynner famous for films such as The magnificent 7 and Westworld was a lifelong Liverpool fan.

 

He also refused to wear aftershave.

 

Thats right. Yul never wore cologne.

FFS :lol: 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
narre

A beautiful young lady walks into a pub

and asks the barman for a double entendre...

 

So he gave her one!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
narre

Swimming pools are to re-open from the 4th July,

but due to social distancing, there will be no water in lanes 1, 3 and 5!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
narre

My mate was telling me that he failed his exam in Aboriginal music...

I said, "Didja redo it?"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
I P Knightley

We've booked a holiday break in a lovely place in Wales

 

Llochllayllapllappllowich

 

Sorry, I had a hair caught in my throat. We're going to Tenby.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Swanny17
9 hours ago, I P Knightley said:

We've booked a holiday break in a lovely place in Wales

 

Llochllayllapllappllowich

 

Sorry, I had a hair caught in my throat. We're going to Tenby.


Talking of Wales. Did you know the doorbell was invented there? Prestatyn.

 

Also, why is there so many accidents in Caerphilly? 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Sawdust Caesar

Buckingham Palace are advertising for a dog walker.

 

Must be corgi registered.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
I P Knightley

Competition to see how far athletes can throw a plate should be dropped from the Olympics. 

 

Discus.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
superjack

One day a father gets off of work and on his way home he remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy store and asks the salesperson "How much is the Barbie on the display window?"
The salesperson answers " Which one? We have:
Work out Barbie for £19.95
Shopping Barbie for £19.95
Beach Barbie for £19.95
Disco Barbie for £19.95
Divorced Barbie for £265.95
The amazed father asks: "What? Why is the Divorced Barbie £265.95 and the others only £19.95?"
The salesperson answers:
"Sir, 'Divorced Barbie' is a complete set. She comes with:
Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Dog, Ken's Children, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and... as a special feature, Ken's Best Friend".

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
superjack

Three animals were having a huge argument over who was the best. The first, a hawk, claimed that because of his ability to fly, he could attack anything repeatedly from above, and his prey stood nary a chance. The second, a lion, based his claim on his strength. None in the forest dared to challenge him. The third, a skunk, insisted he needed neither flight nor strength to frighten off any creature. As the trio debated the issue, an alligator came along and swallowed them all... hawk, lion and stinker.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
superjack

When Lord Nelson died he was 5 feet tall. 
His statue on the column in Trafalgar Square is 15 feet tall.

Thats Horatio of 3:1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
samgolden

Just finished watching a disaster movie about a fire in a French Car Factory 

Starring “Burnt Renaults”

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Lemongrab

A blonde hands a dress into the dry cleaners.

 

The woman says, "Thank you, come again."

 

The blonde says, "No, it's toothpaste this time."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
CostaJambo

Everyone has heard of Sod's Law but how many have heard of Cole's Law?

 

It's a salad accompaniment made of finely shredded cabbage and mayonnaise.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
narre

I've just finished building a car using a motor from a washing machine...

I'm going to take it for a spin later!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
narre

I hate it when people don't know the difference between your and you're...

 

There so stupid!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
narre

I've just got myself one of those anti-bullying wrist bands...

 

I nicked it off a fat ginger kid with glasses!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
narre

The wife isn't speaking to me, all because I wouldn't open the car door for her...

 

It's not my fault. I just panicked and swam to the surface!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
narre

Just been to Boots and asked the assistant if they sold Benylin.

 

She replied, ''For cough?''

 

I said, "Steady on love I only fekkin asked!"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
The Real Maroonblood

Well done  narre.

👍

Edited by The Real Maroonblood

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Maple Leaf
5 hours ago, narre said:

Just been to Boots and asked the assistant if they sold Benylin.

 

She replied, ''For cough?''

 

I said, "Steady on love I only fekkin asked!"

 

I once asked a woman who her employer was.

 

She replied, "I work for Cunard."

 

I said, "I'm sure you do, but who's your employer?"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
superjack

Two prawns were swimming around in the sea. One called Justin and the other called Kristian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Kristian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten".

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted".

Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Kristian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old friend.

Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old chums simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin gradually realised that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam to Kristian's home.

As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again".

Kristian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner".

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed..."

"I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again Kristian!!..

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Cairneyhill Jambo

I met my wife at a fancy dress party.....
The strange thing was we were both dressed in the same outfit... We were both dressed up as dolphins..... I guess we both just clicked!

Edited by Cairneyhill Jambo

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
narre
4 hours ago, superjack said:

Two prawns were swimming around in the sea. One called Justin and the other called Kristian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Kristian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten".

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted".

Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Kristian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old friend.

Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old chums simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin gradually realised that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam to Kristian's home.

As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again".

Kristian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner".

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed..."

"I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again Kristian!!..

👍😄

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
narre

After sex last night with my new girlfriend, she snuggled up to me and said,

"You're the biggest I've ever had!"

Apparently saying, "Ditto" wasn't the best idea!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.




×
×
  • Create New...