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Unashamedly crap jokes (some are pure gold!)


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The Real Maroonblood
2 minutes ago, superjack said:

I brought a bureau the other day,
I opened it up and 14 people fell out,
It seems it was a missing 
person's bureau.

:laugh2:

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An auld Bill Barclay classic....

 

Stopped at a motorway services in England and fancied a cheeseburger so I went to the chuck wagon and there was a big old woman behind the counter.

I asked for a cheeseburger and a hot dog and she reached into the freezer and took out a frozen burger patty.

She then placed the burger under her armpit.

I asked "what are you doing with the burger"?

"Oh I'm just defrosting it for you" she answered.

I replied "well if that's the case you can just cancel the hotdog"!

 

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I P Knightley
15 minutes ago, 1953 said:

I taught my dog to play the trumpet on the London underground. He went from barking to tooting in 20 minutes.

I hate myself for doing this but Barking to Tooting is the best part of an hour. District line then Northern. A journey I've taken with that joke in mind.

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A Boy Named Crow
2 hours ago, I P Knightley said:

I hate myself for doing this but Barking to Tooting is the best part of an hour. District line then Northern. A journey I've taken with that joke in mind.

Aye, it must be a crease in the space time continuum, but everywhere in London seems to be an hour from everywhere else. I stopped worrying about it after a while. 

Edited by A Boy Named Crow
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8 hours ago, I P Knightley said:

I hate myself for doing this but Barking to Tooting is the best part of an hour. District line then Northern. A journey I've taken with that joke in mind.

Fair enough, I've no idea at all. I've no idea why that joke came to mind when it did as it's quite old really, Barry Crier I think, he may have said an hour and I got it wrong.

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luckyBatistuta
On 15/12/2020 at 09:06, narre said:

My girlfriend just sent me a message saying,

"helpmyspacebarbrokecanyoucomeoverandgivemeanalternative".

 

What does ternative mean?

😁 like that

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On 15/12/2020 at 04:06, narre said:

My girlfriend just sent me a message saying,

"helpmyspacebarbrokecanyoucomeoverandgivemeanalternative".

 

What does ternative mean?

:biggrin2:

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I P Knightley
8 hours ago, 1953 said:

The flat earth society have just declared that they have members all over the globe!

Reminds me of the time I printed out stickers saying "cancelled due to unforeseen events" and went round sticking them on posters for a forthcoming psychic fair.

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When was paying for my 10 foot Christmas tree and the guy said, "Are you going to put that up yourself?"

 

I said, "No, I'm putting it in the livingroom."

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Sad news,,,, I broke up with a girlfriend called Loraine

as she found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.

 

The good news is I can see Claire Lee now, Loraine is gone.

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12 hours ago, narre said:

Sad news,,,, I broke up with a girlfriend called Loraine

as she found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.

 

The good news is I can see Claire Lee now, Loraine is gone.

Certainly no obstacles in your way.

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John Gentleman

Shamelessly copied & pasted (with tweaks) from the Grauniad....

 

An plane was about to crash. There were four passengers on board, but only three parachutes.

The first passenger said, 'I am Steve Curry, the best NBA basketball player. The Warriors and my millions of fans need me, and I can't afford to die.' So he took the first pack and left the plane.

The second passenger, Donald Trump, said, 'I am the US President and I am the smartest president in American history, so my people don't want me to die.' He took the second pack and jumped out of the plane.

The third passenger, the Pope, said to the fourth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolboy, 'My son, I am old and don't have many years left, you have more years ahead so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute.'

The little boy said, 'That's okay, Your Holiness, there's a parachute left for you. America 's smartest president took my schoolbag...'

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Anyone know how long it takes to get hearing aids back from repair? I sent mine off two weeks ago and haven't heard anything since.
 

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4 hours ago, John Gentleman said:

Shamelessly copied & pasted (with tweaks) from the Grauniad....

 

An plane was about to crash. There were four passengers on board, but only three parachutes.

The first passenger said, 'I am Steve Curry, the best NBA basketball player. The Warriors and my millions of fans need me, and I can't afford to die.' So he took the first pack and left the plane.

The second passenger, Donald Trump, said, 'I am the US President and I am the smartest president in American history, so my people don't want me to die.' He took the second pack and jumped out of the plane.

The third passenger, the Pope, said to the fourth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolboy, 'My son, I am old and don't have many years left, you have more years ahead so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute.'

The little boy said, 'That's okay, Your Holiness, there's a parachute left for you. America 's smartest president took my schoolbag...'

:rofl:

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On 21/12/2020 at 07:28, Lemongrab said:

When was paying for my 10 foot Christmas tree and the guy said, "Are you going to put that up yourself?"

 

I said, "No, I'm putting it in the livingroom."

😅

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I said to my missus "we need to spice things up".

 

She said "but I'm allergic to chili peppers".

 

I said "I meant in the bedroom".

 

She said "I can't eat them anywhere in the house".

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I've read that if you have relatives round on Christmas Day, the police can force entry to your house and make them go home.

 

Does anyone know if you have to book in advance or can you just phone in?

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1 minute ago, CostaJambo said:

One I just made up......

 

Tina Turner is thinking of making a comeback. She is gonna change her name to Tina Returner. 


Cher is going to do the same, this time, however, with her twin sister. Cher and Cher alike....

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I was putting fuel in the car at Tesco and overheard 2 young ladies as they were filling theirs.

The first said that fuel prices were creeping up again.

The blonde one replied that it won't affect her as she always only puts £10 worth in!

 

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willie wallace

Just having dinner and pulling crackers.

All I can think off is Super Jack and Narre.

Not that the crackers are in the same league though😃

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A guy bumps into his mate and seeing he has been in a bit of bother asks him "how you get the black eye". His mate says his wife gave him it. "But I thought she was out of town" says the first guy. "So did I" replies his mate.

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Last night my wife wore a sexy police uniform to bed.

She said "You are under arrest for being a great lover"

90 seconds later the charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

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On 24/12/2020 at 17:15, narre said:

I was putting fuel in the car at Tesco and overheard 2 young ladies as they were filling theirs.

The first said that fuel prices were creeping up again.

The blonde one replied that it won't affect her as she always only puts £10 worth in!

 

Another winner from narre.  :thumb:

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My wife sent me to the classical music store to but a whole lot of albums. To ensure I wouldn't forget any she gave me a Chopin Liszt.

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