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Smithee

Unashamedly crap jokes (some are pure gold!)

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narre

A lot of people are doing puzzles to pass the time in lockdown.

I’m ok with jigsaws, crosswords and sudoku but not join the dots..

You have to draw the line somewhere!

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Morgan
18 hours ago, Worthing Jambo said:

Love this thread👍😂

Ood, isn’t it?

 

:biggrin:

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narre
4 minutes ago, Morgan said:

Ood, isn’t it?

 

:biggrin:

Yep reat stuff😄

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Morgan
7 minutes ago, narre said:

Yep reat stuff😄

:2thumbsup:

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Smack

Teacher: .... and what's your favourite letter of the alphabet Morgan? 

 

Morgan: It's 'M' Miss, otherwise I'd be an organ. 

 

Teacher: [insert your own brutal punchline here, don't know him well enough myself!] 

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ri Alban
Posted (edited)
19 minutes ago, Smack said:

Teacher: .... and what's your favourite letter of the alphabet Morgan? 

 

Morgan: It's 'M' Miss, otherwise I'd be an organ. 

 

Teacher: [insert your own brutal punchline here, don't know him well enough myself!] 

Cock no start with a C. :jjyay:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

:leveinproblem:

 

 

 

 

 

Only joking Angus. :D

Edited by ri Alban

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Worthing Jambo

😂😂😂

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Morgan

:gok:

 

 

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I P Knightley

I've just invented a new word:

 

Plagiarism. 

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narre
 
 
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello

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Tazio
6 hours ago, narre said:
 
 
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello

I can’t decking disagree with that. 

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Cairneyhill Jambo

At this rate, the 12th July will be thousands of orangemen in their homes walking on their treadmills shout "Alexa - play the sash"

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narre
3 hours ago, Cairneyhill Jambo said:

At this rate, the 12th July will be thousands of orangemen in their homes walking on their treadmills shout "Alexa - play the sash"

😄These fat bassa's have treadmills !!! a walk to the fridge and back.😄

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Morgan
22 hours ago, Tazio said:

I can’t decking disagree with that. 

Here here.

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milky_26
Just now, Morgan said:

ear ear.

ftfy

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Morgan
Just now, milky_26 said:

ftfy

:getout:

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milky_26

you mean 

 

et out?

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Tazio
25 minutes ago, milky_26 said:

you mean 

 

et out?

 

No need to be an Angus about it.

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ri Alban

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Morgan
2 hours ago, milky_26 said:

you mean 

 

et out?

 

2 hours ago, Tazio said:

 

No need to be an Angus about it.

 

FAF58AC9-6336-4445-9763-709C5F88EF07.jpeg

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Morgan
47 minutes ago, ri Alban said:

:rofl:

 

D817A610-F056-44FF-9067-C8B1871864FC.jpeg

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ri Alban
5 minutes ago, Morgan said:

 

D817A610-F056-44FF-9067-C8B1871864FC.jpeg

At least she'll be happy.atm

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superjack

A guy is walking along the road and sees a Harley Davidson for sale, immaculate, only £500. The guys asks how come it's so cheap? He's told it is prone to rusting quite easily, however, if it ever looks like it is going to rain, cover the metal work in vaseline. So he buys it. Later that day, he's going to his girlfriends family for dinner and he has never met any of her family before. To impress them, and his bird, he turns up on the new Harley. She meets him at the door and warns him, when we eat in this house, the first person to speak has to wash the dishes, this has gone on for 15 years.
Sure enough, when he goes in the house, everywhere he looks there are piles of dirty dishes reaching up to the ceiling. They are sitting eating the main course and he notices his girlfriend is showing a lot of cleavage and he gets a serious hard on. He then thinks, no one can say anything. So he lifts her out the seat, bends her over the table, lifts her skirt and pumps her right there. Her parents are livid but can't say anything as doing all those dishes would probably take a couple of years. Afterwards, he sits back down. When her mother brings out dessert, she drops a spoon and bends over to pick it up and he thinks, nice arse. So he grabs her, bends her over the table, and while staring at the father, he gives the mother a serious pumping. Again, the father is raging but won't say anything.
About 5 minutes later, there is a flash of lightning and a crack of thunder. Just as he looks out the window, he notices it is about to start raining and he suddenly remembers what he was told when he bought the Harley. So he takes the tub of vaseline out of his pocket and stands up. At this point the father jumps up and says, that's it, I give in, where's the washing up liquid.

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Smithee
On 02/05/2020 at 08:31, narre said:

I saw my neighbour jogging at 1am this morning

. I said, "It's a bit late for you Sarah, isn't it?"

"I couldn't sleep," she replied.

"That's not what I meant, you fat cow!"

A lot of good ones recently but lold at this

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Smithee
On 05/05/2020 at 18:12, Morgan said:

 

 

FAF58AC9-6336-4445-9763-709C5F88EF07.jpeg

Ah, Anus O

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Morgan
2 minutes ago, Smithee said:

Ah, Anus O

You got me.

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Smithee
15 minutes ago, Morgan said:

You got me.

Picture-1.jpg

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narre

A man in Saudi Arabia has been caught stealing hand sanitiser...

He probably won't need it now!

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narre

I came home from shopping today to find my wife and her two fat mates eating doritos on the couch.

I mumbled under my breath, "Fat bucking cows!"

My wife said, "What did you just say?

" I replied, "You herd!"

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narre

A woman just asked me if I preferred legs or breasts.

I told her I was more into shaved ******s, and anal...

Apparently that isn't an appropriate answer in KFC!

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narre

If anyone wants to come and talk to me about my shoddy joinery work,

my door is always open!

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Rab Mac52

Guy into pub with dog. Asks for a pint but if he proved his dog could speak could he get his pint free. Bar bloke says okay. Man takes a bit of sandpaper out his pocket, scrapes it on the dog's backside. He asks how does that feel? Dog says, rough!  Bartender says sod off that's not talking. Lad asks to try dog again. Ok. If you come off the fairway in golf whee do you go? Dog goes, rough! Get out says barkeep. Guys say one last chance? Well, ok.  Man says to dog, name the Scottish goalkeeper in the 1970's. Dog once more goes, Rough. Barkeep annoyed chucks then out. Sitting on the step outside, the dog turns to the guy. 'Wasn't Jim Leighton was it?'

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JWL

Remember my teacher asking me to quit the debating society, I said you'll get no argument from me.

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martoon
On 04/05/2020 at 10:06, narre said:
 
 
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello

 

😁

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narre

A dying husband in a hospital bed asks his wife,

"Our seventh child always looked different from the other six.

Did he have a different father?" His wife, crying uncontrollably answers,

"Yes." He asks, "Who's is it?"

His wife replies, "Yours!"

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narre

I had often suggested to my secretary that we should try bondage.

As I walked into my office today I found her bound, gagged and bent over the desk.

"You little minx!" I said, dropping my trousers.

"But I'm still going to have to tell you off for leaving the safe wide open!"

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superjack

Due to the current economic climate for football clubs Celtic have announced they are paying off 24 members of staff. The 10 referees and 14 linesmen are said to be devastated!

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Maple Leaf

The word "vegetarian" is derived from a North American Indian name for bad hunter.

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Horatio Caine

My first experience of walking football was better than I expected.

 

Strolled it.

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Robbo-Jambo
On ‎10‎/‎05‎/‎2020 at 12:27, narre said:

A dying husband in a hospital bed asks his wife,

"Our seventh child always looked different from the other six.

Did he have a different father?" His wife, crying uncontrollably answers,

"Yes." He asks, "Who's is it?"

His wife replies, "Yours!"

:laugh2:

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annushorribilis III

Two guys talking about their pets -

Why did you call your dog Birmingham ?

Cos he's mostly brown & black with a few white spots. 

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TheBigO
15 minutes ago, annushorribilis III said:

Two guys talking about their pets -

Why did you call your dog Birmingham ?

Cos he's mostly brown & black with a few white spots. 

Yikes

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Morgan
44 minutes ago, annushorribilis III said:

Two guys talking about their pets -

Why did you call your dog Birmingham ?

Cos he's mostly brown & black with a few white spots. 

That won’t go down well with the ‘modern snowflakes’ but, :lol: 

 

Imagine.

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annushorribilis III
3 minutes ago, Morgan said:

That won’t go down well with the ‘modern snowflakes’ but, :lol: 

 

Imagine.

I'll take a warning. 

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Morgan
Just now, annushorribilis III said:

I'll take a warning. 

You shouldn’t need to, mate.

 

You posted a joke, that’s all.  :thumbsup:

 

The ‘modern guys’ will however, be all over it like a rash.

 

‘Pretending’ they don’t find it funny.  :vrface:

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narre
4 hours ago, annushorribilis III said:

Two guys talking about their pets -

Why did you call your dog Birmingham ?

Cos he's mostly brown & black with a few white spots. 

:arf:

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narre

Teacher: "I want a word with four 'I's

" Me: "Mississippi." Teacher:

"No, I need to speak to you, you speccy twat!

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Fxxx the SPFL

can't remember if iv'e posted this before but if the answer is COCK ROBIN what's the question.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What's that up my arse BATMAN

 

I'll get my hat  :poopile:

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ri Alban
1 hour ago, Ray has bus pass hooray said:

can't remember if iv'e posted this before but if the answer is COCK ROBIN what's the question.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What's that up my arse BATMAN

 

I'll get my hat  :poopile:

🎩 Ye forgot this.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

:D

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narre

I think the wife's got me a build-it-yourself scale model of a horse for my birthday next month...

I've just found a big piece of it hidden in her bedside drawer!

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