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Unashamedly crap jokes (some are pure gold!)


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Posted

who do boxers not have sex before a fight?

 

 

they dont fancy each other

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Posted
6 hours ago, Dawnrazor said:

It's like that one, what's the difference between jam and marmalade!

You can’t leave it there!

 

Come on, divulge.

 

😀

Posted
6 minutes ago, Morgan said:

You can’t leave it there!

 

Come on, divulge.

 

😀

 

He did, Morgan. The mods must have deleted it. :smile:

Posted

Just back from Holiday in Thailand and I came close to having sex with a lady boy ? 

Looked like a lady ,talked like a lady ,kissed like a lady 

It was only when she drove me to her place and reversed the car Into the garage 

I thought to myself 

“Hang on a Bloody minute “

Posted

With a second lockdown looming,

I see people are starting to pile their shopping trolleys up again.

I've just got back from Asda

and saw a bloke buying 4 crates of San Miguel, 5 paellas and 3 sombreros.

I thought to myself, hang on a minute... Hispanic buying!

Posted

A bloke goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.

The barman says, "Why are you drinking so fast?"

The bloke says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had."

The barman says, "What do you have?"

The bloke replies, "About 75p!"

Posted

A husband buys his wife a car for her birthday.

"I don't like it," she says.

"I want something that goes from 0-140 in 3 seconds."

So he comes back with a set of bathroom scales and says,

"Stand on that you fat fooka

Posted

I had sex with a hooker last night. I must have been pissed...

I can't even remember going into the rugby club!

 

 

A Boy Named Crow
Posted
1 hour ago, redjambo said:

 

He did, Morgan. The mods must have deleted it. :smile:

I just googled it, if he posted that punchline, he's a bolder man than me!

Posted
7 hours ago, A Boy Named Crow said:

I just googled it, if he posted that punchline, he's a bolder man than me!

I did and I am😅😅

Posted
10 hours ago, Morgan said:

You can’t leave it there!

 

Come on, divulge.

 

😀

 

 

Surely it's just something innocent like...I've never been stuck in a traffic marmalade...? :whistling: 

Posted
1 hour ago, Boof said:

 

 

Surely it's just something innocent like...I've never been stuck in a traffic marmalade...? :whistling: 

😅 something similar.

Posted
4 hours ago, Boof said:

 

 

Surely it's just something innocent like...I've never been stuck in a traffic marmalade...? :whistling: 

 

3 hours ago, Dawnrazor said:

😅 something similar.

Ah, of course.

 

That'll be it.

Posted

Which weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?

Water, as butane is a lighter fluid.

Posted

Did you hear about the Irish shite? It done a Man. 

ƒιѕнρℓαρѕ
Posted
1 hour ago, ri Alban said:

Did you hear about the Irish shite? It done a Man. 

Hear about the fly that won the lottery?

 

He bought a shite in Spain. 

Posted
On 05/10/2020 at 05:05, Smithee said:

Hear about the fly that won the lottery?

 

He bought a shite in Spain. 

:rofl:

Posted

My old aunties used to tease me at family weddings, saying "You'll be next!" 

 

The stopped after I started saying the same to them at funerals.

Posted

I wanted to set up the Hide & Seek World Championships,

but good players are hard to find!

Posted

At this rate, on 31st October kids will be ringing the doorbell saying,

"Track and Trace!"

Posted

Some girls don't like to walk in the rain because it puts their face back to factory settings!

Posted

I guessed orange, but it was chocolate.

I guessed toffee, but it was peanut.

I guessed strawberry, but it was coffee.

I was wrong on so many Revels!

Posted

I've quit my job at the cat shelter...

I had no choice as they reduced meowers!

3fingersreid
Posted

What do you call a fear of giants ?

 

 

feefipho-bia

Posted

I once got arrested in America for stealing Tippex.

I got sent to a correctional facility...

Posted

Probably post this already. Cannae mind. 

 

 

 

 

 

A sausage and egg in a frying pan. 

The egg says"Ffs its warm in here". 

The sausage says"Ffs, a talking egg"

Posted

What goes Buzzbang? 

A lockerbee

 

 

 

Sorry, too soon? 

Posted
54 minutes ago, ri Alban said:

What goes Buzzbang? 

A lockerbee

 

 

 

Sorry, too soon? 

 

Could be.  We'll see what kind of reaction you get.

Posted
23 minutes ago, Maple Leaf said:

 

Could be.  We'll see what kind of reaction you get.

:D

Probably. 

Posted
8 minutes ago, jonesy said:

Wouldn't worry. I think the site crossed the Rubicon when the 'glad Trump caught Covid' posts surfaced. 

I bit shite, but see if he was bsing, well... 

Anyway, if it's so bad a joke, take it down, please. 

Posted
46 minutes ago, ri Alban said:

I bit shite, but see if he was bsing, well... 

Anyway, if it's so bad a joke, take it down, please. 

 

There's an adage that says Humour = Tragedy + Time.

 

The question is, "What is enough time?" to make the humour OK?  That will vary from person to person but, imo, there is never enough time for events like the Holocaust and Dunblane to become subjects of a joke.

Posted
17 minutes ago, Maple Leaf said:

 

There's an adage that says Humour = Tragedy + Time.

 

The question is, "What is enough time?" to make the humour OK?  That will vary from person to person but, imo, there is never enough time for events like the Holocaust and Dunblane to become subjects of a joke.

Alrighty then! 👍 

I P Knightley
Posted
34 minutes ago, Maple Leaf said:

 

There's an adage that says Humour = Tragedy + Time.

 

The question is, "What is enough time?" to make the humour OK?  That will vary from person to person but, imo, there is never enough time for events like the Holocaust and Dunblane to become subjects of a joke.

Even the one where you say, "I don't like jokes about the holocaust; my grandad died at Belsen."

 

"He got pissed and fell out the watch tower."?

Posted
3 hours ago, I P Knightley said:

Even the one where you say, "I don't like jokes about the holocaust; my grandad died at Belsen."

 

"He got pissed and fell out the watch tower."?

 

That might or might not be inappropriate, I don't know.

 

But it ain't funny, imo.

Posted

Party at Mapes Hoose. 

giphy.gif

Posted

I went fishing today and ate my maggots by mistake...

Now I'm waiting in hospital with baited breath!

Posted

Does Hank Marvin get offered a sandwich every time he introduces himself?

Posted
On 08/10/2020 at 17:00, Maple Leaf said:

 

There's an adage that says Humour = Tragedy + Time.

 

The question is, "What is enough time?" to make the humour OK?  That will vary from person to person but, imo, there is never enough time for events like the Holocaust and Dunblane to become subjects of a joke.

All depends on context, and if you personally have a relation to the jokes. Personally i think Lockerbie, Holocaust and Dunblane are way out of order. But im not part of the clique. 

Posted

I bought spiderman pyjamas today.

I hope he likes them.

A Boy Named Crow
Posted
1 hour ago, LeftBack said:

All depends on context, and if you personally have a relation to the jokes. Personally i think Lockerbie, Holocaust and Dunblane are way out of order. But im not part of the clique. 

Ooft, not read that term on here in about 10 years!

Posted
8 hours ago, LeftBack said:

All depends on context, and if you personally have a relation to the jokes. Personally i think Lockerbie, Holocaust and Dunblane are way out of order. But im not part of the clique. 

What does NASA stand for? 

Posted
3 minutes ago, ri Alban said:

What does NASA stand for? 

Cause they cannae find a seat. 

Posted

My favourite childhood memory was building sandcastles with my grandfather, until mum hid the urn.

Posted
3 hours ago, ri Alban said:

What does NASA stand for? 

Need Another Seven Astronauts. 

 

The morning after the plane crashed into Lockerbie, the "in" joke at high school was;

What does Bonnyrigg have that Lockerbie doesn't?

 

Sherwood Crescent. 

Posted
19 minutes ago, Dawnrazor said:

Need Another Seven Astronauts. 

 

The morning after the plane crashed into Lockerbie, the "in" joke at high school was;

What does Bonnyrigg have that Lockerbie doesn't?

 

Sherwood Crescent. 

I better not tell my other Lockerbie joke about the door to door salesman. 

Posted
1 minute ago, ri Alban said:

I better not tell my other Lockerbie joke about the door to door salesman. 

Go on.......I dares ya!

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