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Unashamedly crap jokes (some are pure gold!)

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luckyBatistuta
1 hour ago, narre said:

As I looked into her eyes I felt my knees go weak and my stomach turned to butterflies...

 

That's when I realised I'd drugged the wrong glass!

:rofl:

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luckyBatistuta

For my chemistry exam, I had to write a one hundred word essay on acid.

 

Unfortunately my pen turned into a gorilla and my desk melted into the floor below.

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luckyBatistuta

My ex wife is going to marry an Indian guy. I know he’s going to treat her well, as they worship cows.

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Kidd’s Boots

How do you make a snooker table laugh?

Put your hand in the pocket and tickle the balls...

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superjack

Ran out of loo roll today so had to use a lettuce leaf.
Today was the tip of the iceberg.

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narre

I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon...

I expect that'll come back to bite me!

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narre

The missus and kids are really pissed off with me. I put ginger in their curry...

They loved that cat!

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Kalamazoo Jambo
On 07/09/2015 at 20:50, Kalamazoo Jambo said:

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

 

Stick it in a microwave until its bill withers.

 

Re-upping given today's news. RIP Bill, you gave us great songs and one awful joke :(

 

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I P Knightley
13 minutes ago, Kalamazoo Jambo said:

 

Re-upping given today's news. RIP Bill, you gave us great songs and one awful joke :(

 

As I've just written in the RIP thread - one of the finest punchlines.

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narre

If anyone decides to make a face mask out of an old bra,

please ensure you use the left side...

You don't want to look like a right tit!

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Maple Leaf

Things are really difficult these days.

 

I have a very short friend who's having trouble putting food on the table.

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narre

I've washed my hands that much,

I've just uncovered a nightclub stamp from 20 years ago!

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narre

My knob turned a horrible shade of orange

and I thought it might be something to do with the Corona Virus,so I called 111.

"What are you doing all day during lockdown?" the nurse asked.

"Well nothing much," I replied. "Just sitting around, watching porn and eating Wotsits!"

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Robbo-Jambo
4 hours ago, Maple Leaf said:

Things are really difficult these days.

 

I have a very short friend who's having trouble putting food on the table.

😅 

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narre

My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner...

So I took the battery out of the smoke detector!

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Pans Jambo

Wife wasn't very happy with the bird table that I made...she only came 6th on it.

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Morgan
12 hours ago, narre said:

My knob turned a horrible shade of orange

and I thought it might be something to do with the Corona Virus,so I called 111.

"What are you doing all day during lockdown?" the nurse asked.

"Well nothing much," I replied. "Just sitting around, watching porn and eating Wotsits!"

:rofl: 

 

 

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narre

BREAKING: Two people found sunbathing in Scotland today have

tested positive for hypothermia!

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samgolden
Posted (edited)

Was in post office today and this guy accused me of stealing stamps so I stuck one on him 

Edited by samgolden

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narre

Today i saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall

i thought to myself that's a little condescending 

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TWF

Atomic Bomb explodes over Dublin. Huge casualties.

50% killed immediately following the explosion.

A further 20% died trying to eat the mushroom

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narre

I was walking in the jungle and saw a lizard on his hind legs telling jokes.

I turned to a local tribesman and said, "That lizards really funny!"

The tribesman replied, "He's not a lizard. He's a stand up chameleon!"

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LeftBack
On 08/04/2020 at 20:01, samgolden said:

Was in post office today and this guy accused me of stealing stamps so I stuck one on him 

😂 Brilliant 

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indianajones
18 hours ago, narre said:

Today i saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall

i thought to myself that's a little condescending 

 

Excellent. 

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Smack

Got the wife a penny black for her birthday. 

 

Philately will get you everywhere. 

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superjack

OMG....absolute disgrace.  I've just witnessed 5 lads in H1b5 tops playing football with a hedgehog. I was gonna call the SSPCA but the hedgehog was 5-1 up !!

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Dawnrazor

I've decided to make my own pool cue for when the pubs open again........anyone got any tips?

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Dawnrazor

The worst Pub I was ever in was called The Fiddle.........it was a vile inn.

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narre

Yesterday I changed a lightbulb, knocked on a door twice, crossed the road and walked into a bar...

My life is a ******* joke!

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narre

A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder.

The barman says, "What an interesting pet. What's his name?"

"Tiny," the man replies.

"What an odd name. Why do you call him Tiny?"

"Because, he's my newt!"

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narre

I'm a really big fan of the Bee Gees and I also like cooking Chinese food...

You can tell by the way I use my wok

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Lemongrab

When a homeless person eventually gets a flat, they must have some job getting their dog to go out for that first walk.

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jamboy1982

I’m so close to completing my toy story figure collection. If anyone can help give me a buzz

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Dawnrazor

What do you call a 3ft Jamaican?

.

 

.

.

.

.

.

 

A Yardy.

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PTBCAL
On 09/04/2020 at 09:23, narre said:

Today i saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall

i thought to myself that's a little condescending 


Under rated 👍

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narre

What has a priest and a pint of Guinness got in common? A black coat, white collar,

and you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!

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ri Alban

Why doesn't China have a baseball team?

Because they ate all the bats.

 

 

 

 

 

:mmtaxi:

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Marvin

A man goes into a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on the table. He walks over to her and says "Wow nice legs" She is flattered and replies "You really think so?"

And the man says "Oh definitely, most tables would have collapsed by now"

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superjack

Vegans think Butchers are gross,

but I think Fruit & Veg sellers are Grocer.

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superjack

I have a mate who is a pilot for Virgin Atlantic but, because of this lockdown, he's off work, l asked him if he fancied doing a bit of decorating for me while he's at a loose end and he jumped at the chance.

l must say, he made a lovely job of the landing.

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martoon

What do you call a dinosaur who looks after his teeth? 

 

A Flosseraptor. 

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JWL

Got told I had to see a grief counselor after not taking the death of my father and then my mother too well. Guy was brilliant, he died last week and I never gave a fu*k 

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narre

My mate said I wasn't a true cockney,

so I pushed him down the apples and oranges!

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ri Alban
Posted (edited)

I'm not a proper Gynaecologist, but I'll have a good look.

Edited by ri Alban

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Morgan
On 14/04/2020 at 02:03, narre said:

Yesterday I changed a lightbulb, knocked on a door twice, crossed the road and walked into a bar...

My life is a ******* joke!

:vrface:

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superjack

Hibs have announced that they will set aside 200 seats for every home game next season, for NHS workers.

A spokesperson from the NHS replied
"Have we not suffered enough?"

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Kalamazoo Jambo

Why did the chicken cross the road?

 

 

 

 

Social distancing.

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narre

Took a girl out the other night & she ordered the most expensive food on the menu.

I thought you greedy, money-grabbing bitch.

I said, "Does your mother feed you like that at home?

" She said "No, but my mum isn't expecting a blow job later."

I said, "Enjoy your meal sweetie!"

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