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Unashamedly crap jokes (some are pure gold!)


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Posted
1 hour ago, narre said:

Not really i just like to help keep the jokes rolling on,been on kickback in its various forms for over 20 years i am not interested in the post count.40 years in Melbourne this is the best way to to keep in touch with all things Hearts.

 

You keep 'em coming, Narre. :thumb:

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Posted
45 minutes ago, kila said:


:D

 

 

Paul Merton, HIGNFY, on Friday.

 

Also liked his comment that the pro-Trump "stop the count" chant isn't far removed from what everyone else has been saying for four years.

 

 

Sawdust Caesar
Posted

James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I'm wearing panties!"

Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."

Sawdust Caesar
Posted

The wife said to me last night. "If you turn the bedside lamp off, I'll take it up the arse".

 

Maybe I should have waited for the bulb to cool down first...

Posted

I was in Asda with 2 full trollies when a little old lady stood behind me at the checkout.

She only had a pint of milk so I said, "Is that all you've got?

"She replied, "Yes." So I did the decent thing & told her,

"If I were you I'd **** off to another till. I'm gonna be ages!"

Posted

I'm one of those people that likes to read while I'm having a shit...

This is also the reason why I'm banned from Waterstones!

Posted

I've finally come to accept I'm dyslexic and I'll always be dyslexic... A leotard can't change its spots!

Posted
17 hours ago, narre said:

I've finally come to accept I'm dyslexic and I'll always be dyslexic... A leotard can't change its spots!

Dyslexia - sign of a misspelt youth.

Posted

Girlfriend "Does my bum look big in these jeans?"

 

Boyfriend "Do you promise not to get upset if I tell you the truth?

 

Girlfriend "You can say what you like, as long as it's the truth I promise I'll not get angry"

 

Boyfriend "I shagged your sister"

Posted

Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp? He opened a warehouse. 

Posted

I've got some news on the criminal sting, he's turned himself in to the police. 

Posted

I was on a diabetes website and it asked me if I would 'accept cookies'

which I thought was some sort of test!

Posted

I once won a fancy dress competition dressed as a spreadsheet...

I excelled myself!

Posted
On 09/11/2020 at 17:13, Sawdust Caesar said:

James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I'm wearing panties!"

Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."

He must've forgotten that the clocks went back. 

Posted
On 09/11/2020 at 22:02, narre said:

I've finally come to accept I'm dyslexic and I'll always be dyslexic... A leotard can't change its spots!

I used to be dyslexic, but I am ko now.

Posted

Just got back from my mate's funeral.

He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.

It was a lovely service.

Posted
On 09/11/2020 at 17:34, Sawdust Caesar said:

The wife said to me last night. "If you turn the bedside lamp off, I'll take it up the arse".

 

Maybe I should have waited for the bulb to cool down first...

😅 

Posted

The following program contains swearing, right from the ****ing start. 

Posted

I was in the chemist earlier and I said, "Can I have five boxes of Viagra please?"

The chemist said, "Have you got a prescription?"

I said, "No, but I've got 3 recent photos of the missus!"

Posted

Ladies If a dwarf smells your hair, is it sexual harrasment

Posted
On 09/11/2020 at 22:02, narre said:

I've finally come to accept I'm dyslexic and I'll always be dyslexic... A leotard can't change its spots!

 

On 10/11/2020 at 15:40, CostaJambo said:

Dyslexia - sign of a misspelt youth.

 

On 10/11/2020 at 17:27, ri Alban said:

Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp? He opened a warehouse. 

As a member of the DNA I find these jokes very distasteful...

Posted

Whenever I open the fridge I always knock on the door first, just in case there is a salad dressing.

Posted

Nobody seems to kidnap 90s pop groups anymore, I've taken Steps to sort this out.

Posted

I saw an RAC mechanic driving his van.

He looked very stressed and I thought to myself,

"He's heading for a breakdown!"

Posted

I called the Tinnitus helpline but it just kept ringing!

Posted

I bought a pack of those animal shaped biscuits,  but had to take them back as the seal was broken...

Posted

Freddie Mercury had just finished his meal in a Greek restaurant

when the waiter came over with a couple of plates for him to smash.

"Can you go and get me another one please?" asked Freddie.

"Why?" asked the waiter.

"I want to break three!"

Posted

Got myself a Pensioners Satnav...

Not only does it tell me how to get there,

it also tells me why I wanted to go in the first place!

Posted

Today, my wife asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. Married 35 years and she still doesn't know my name is Jim...

Posted

What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?

 

A wet nose.

Posted

Is loud laughing permitted in Hawaii or just a low ha?

Posted

Boss's funeral, and one of his staff kneels by the coffin and whispers "who's thinking outside the box now, eh?"

 

:runaway:

Posted

what do a gynaecologist and a pizza delivery guy have in common

 

They both get to smell it, but not taste it

 

Posted

Storm Rover and a full moon expected this week.   With high winds it's set to be a howler. 

 

 

 

🌕 🐶

  • 2 weeks later...
I P Knightley
Posted

How do you kill a circus?

 

 

Go for the juggler.

Posted

I asked my solicitor, "How much do you charge?"

He said, "£100 for 3 questions."

"Isn't that a bit steep?" I said.

"Yes. What's your third question?"

Posted

Tampax have announced they're replacing their traditional tampon string with tinsel...

This will be for the Christmas period only!

Posted

"My dog's learning to speak a foreign language."
"Español?"
"No, he's a labrador."

Posted

A Christmas card arrived in the post yesterday. When I opened it, a pile of rice fell out of the envelope. It was from my uncle Ben.

Posted

Sun: Greg

Mon: Ian

Tues: Greg

Wed: Ian

Thurs: Greg

Fri: Ian

Sat: Greg

 

It's the Gregorian calendar

Posted

Two pensioners are having oral sex with each other.

The man says, "I can't do this any longer. It stinks down here!"

"Sorry," the woman says. "It's my arthritis."

"Arthritis in your vagina?" he exclaims.

"No, in my shoulder. I can't wipe my arse!"

Posted
On 22/11/2020 at 13:24, Ulysses said:

Boss's funeral, and one of his staff kneels by the coffin and whispers "who's thinking outside the box now, eh?"

 

:runaway:

:lol:

Posted
3 hours ago, narre said:

Two pensioners are having oral sex with each other.

The man says, "I can't do this any longer. It stinks down here!"

"Sorry," the woman says. "It's my arthritis."

"Arthritis in your vagina?" he exclaims.

"No, in my shoulder. I can't wipe my arse!"

Bloody hell! :biglaugh:

The Real Maroonblood
Posted
23 hours ago, narre said:

Two pensioners are having oral sex with each other.

The man says, "I can't do this any longer. It stinks down here!"

"Sorry," the woman says. "It's my arthritis."

"Arthritis in your vagina?" he exclaims.

"No, in my shoulder. I can't wipe my arse!"

:rofl:

Posted
On 07/12/2020 at 11:25, narre said:

Two pensioners are having oral sex with each other.

The man says, "I can't do this any longer. It stinks down here!"

"Sorry," the woman says. "It's my arthritis."

"Arthritis in your vagina?" he exclaims.

"No, in my shoulder. I can't wipe my arse!"

😍

Posted
On 07/12/2020 at 12:25, narre said:

Two pensioners are having oral sex with each other.

The man says, "I can't do this any longer. It stinks down here!"

"Sorry," the woman says. "It's my arthritis."

"Arthritis in your vagina?" he exclaims.

"No, in my shoulder. I can't wipe my arse!"

:nojustno:

Posted
On 07/12/2020 at 11:25, narre said:

Two pensioners are having oral sex with each other.

The man says, "I can't do this any longer. It stinks down here!"

"Sorry," the woman says. "It's my arthritis."

"Arthritis in your vagina?" he exclaims.

"No, in my shoulder. I can't wipe my arse!"

:rofl:

Posted

When I was a child, I used to be bathed in cheap Australian lager. I think I was fostered.

Posted

Be extra careful on the roads with Xmas round the corner, a lot of men will be drinking and getting their wife to drive 

Posted

I brought a bureau the other day,
I opened it up and 14 people fell out,
It seems it was a missing 
person's bureau.

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