redjambo Posted November 8, 2020 Posted November 8, 2020 1 hour ago, narre said: Not really i just like to help keep the jokes rolling on,been on kickback in its various forms for over 20 years i am not interested in the post count.40 years in Melbourne this is the best way to to keep in touch with all things Hearts. You keep 'em coming, Narre. Quote
martoon Posted November 8, 2020 Posted November 8, 2020 45 minutes ago, kila said: Paul Merton, HIGNFY, on Friday. Also liked his comment that the pro-Trump "stop the count" chant isn't far removed from what everyone else has been saying for four years. Quote
Sawdust Caesar Posted November 9, 2020 Posted November 9, 2020 James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically." The lady says, "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I'm wearing panties!" Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast." Quote
Sawdust Caesar Posted November 9, 2020 Posted November 9, 2020 The wife said to me last night. "If you turn the bedside lamp off, I'll take it up the arse". Maybe I should have waited for the bulb to cool down first... Quote
narre Posted November 9, 2020 Posted November 9, 2020 I was in Asda with 2 full trollies when a little old lady stood behind me at the checkout. She only had a pint of milk so I said, "Is that all you've got? "She replied, "Yes." So I did the decent thing & told her, "If I were you I'd **** off to another till. I'm gonna be ages!" Quote
narre Posted November 9, 2020 Posted November 9, 2020 I'm one of those people that likes to read while I'm having a shit... This is also the reason why I'm banned from Waterstones! Quote
narre Posted November 9, 2020 Posted November 9, 2020 I've finally come to accept I'm dyslexic and I'll always be dyslexic... A leotard can't change its spots! Quote
CostaJambo Posted November 10, 2020 Posted November 10, 2020 17 hours ago, narre said: I've finally come to accept I'm dyslexic and I'll always be dyslexic... A leotard can't change its spots! Dyslexia - sign of a misspelt youth. Quote
Dawnrazor Posted November 10, 2020 Posted November 10, 2020 Girlfriend "Does my bum look big in these jeans?" Boyfriend "Do you promise not to get upset if I tell you the truth? Girlfriend "You can say what you like, as long as it's the truth I promise I'll not get angry" Boyfriend "I shagged your sister" Quote
ri Alban Posted November 10, 2020 Posted November 10, 2020 Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp? He opened a warehouse. Quote
Greedy Jambo Posted November 10, 2020 Posted November 10, 2020 I've got some news on the criminal sting, he's turned himself in to the police. Quote
narre Posted November 10, 2020 Posted November 10, 2020 I was on a diabetes website and it asked me if I would 'accept cookies' which I thought was some sort of test! Quote
narre Posted November 10, 2020 Posted November 10, 2020 I once won a fancy dress competition dressed as a spreadsheet... I excelled myself! Quote
ri Alban Posted November 11, 2020 Posted November 11, 2020 On 09/11/2020 at 17:13, Sawdust Caesar said: James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically." The lady says, "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I'm wearing panties!" Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast." He must've forgotten that the clocks went back. Quote
Jamstomorrow Posted November 11, 2020 Posted November 11, 2020 On 09/11/2020 at 22:02, narre said: I've finally come to accept I'm dyslexic and I'll always be dyslexic... A leotard can't change its spots! I used to be dyslexic, but I am ko now. Quote
narre Posted November 11, 2020 Posted November 11, 2020 Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service. Quote
Robbo-Jambo Posted November 11, 2020 Posted November 11, 2020 On 09/11/2020 at 17:34, Sawdust Caesar said: The wife said to me last night. "If you turn the bedside lamp off, I'll take it up the arse". Maybe I should have waited for the bulb to cool down first... 😅 Quote
Greedy Jambo Posted November 11, 2020 Posted November 11, 2020 The following program contains swearing, right from the ****ing start. Quote
narre Posted November 12, 2020 Posted November 12, 2020 I was in the chemist earlier and I said, "Can I have five boxes of Viagra please?" The chemist said, "Have you got a prescription?" I said, "No, but I've got 3 recent photos of the missus!" Quote
kevinref Posted November 12, 2020 Posted November 12, 2020 Ladies If a dwarf smells your hair, is it sexual harrasment Quote
andyscott82 Posted November 12, 2020 Posted November 12, 2020 On 09/11/2020 at 22:02, narre said: I've finally come to accept I'm dyslexic and I'll always be dyslexic... A leotard can't change its spots! On 10/11/2020 at 15:40, CostaJambo said: Dyslexia - sign of a misspelt youth. On 10/11/2020 at 17:27, ri Alban said: Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp? He opened a warehouse. As a member of the DNA I find these jokes very distasteful... Quote
superjack Posted November 14, 2020 Posted November 14, 2020 Whenever I open the fridge I always knock on the door first, just in case there is a salad dressing. Quote
superjack Posted November 14, 2020 Posted November 14, 2020 Nobody seems to kidnap 90s pop groups anymore, I've taken Steps to sort this out. Quote
narre Posted November 15, 2020 Posted November 15, 2020 I saw an RAC mechanic driving his van. He looked very stressed and I thought to myself, "He's heading for a breakdown!" Quote
narre Posted November 15, 2020 Posted November 15, 2020 I called the Tinnitus helpline but it just kept ringing! Quote
superjack Posted November 17, 2020 Posted November 17, 2020 I bought a pack of those animal shaped biscuits, but had to take them back as the seal was broken... Quote
narre Posted November 17, 2020 Posted November 17, 2020 Freddie Mercury had just finished his meal in a Greek restaurant when the waiter came over with a couple of plates for him to smash. "Can you go and get me another one please?" asked Freddie. "Why?" asked the waiter. "I want to break three!" Quote
narre Posted November 17, 2020 Posted November 17, 2020 Got myself a Pensioners Satnav... Not only does it tell me how to get there, it also tells me why I wanted to go in the first place! Quote
superjack Posted November 18, 2020 Posted November 18, 2020 Today, my wife asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. Married 35 years and she still doesn't know my name is Jim... Quote
Dorothy Posted November 19, 2020 Posted November 19, 2020 What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common? A wet nose. Quote
CostaJambo Posted November 22, 2020 Posted November 22, 2020 Is loud laughing permitted in Hawaii or just a low ha? Quote
Ulysses Posted November 22, 2020 Posted November 22, 2020 Boss's funeral, and one of his staff kneels by the coffin and whispers "who's thinking outside the box now, eh?" Quote
kevinref Posted November 22, 2020 Posted November 22, 2020 what do a gynaecologist and a pizza delivery guy have in common They both get to smell it, but not taste it Quote
HMFC01 Posted November 23, 2020 Posted November 23, 2020 Storm Rover and a full moon expected this week. With high winds it's set to be a howler. 🌕 🐶 Quote
I P Knightley Posted December 4, 2020 Posted December 4, 2020 How do you kill a circus? Go for the juggler. Quote
narre Posted December 4, 2020 Posted December 4, 2020 I asked my solicitor, "How much do you charge?" He said, "£100 for 3 questions." "Isn't that a bit steep?" I said. "Yes. What's your third question?" Quote
narre Posted December 4, 2020 Posted December 4, 2020 Tampax have announced they're replacing their traditional tampon string with tinsel... This will be for the Christmas period only! Quote
dougal Posted December 5, 2020 Posted December 5, 2020 "My dog's learning to speak a foreign language." "Español?" "No, he's a labrador." Quote
superjack Posted December 6, 2020 Posted December 6, 2020 A Christmas card arrived in the post yesterday. When I opened it, a pile of rice fell out of the envelope. It was from my uncle Ben. Quote
CostaJambo Posted December 6, 2020 Posted December 6, 2020 Sun: Greg Mon: Ian Tues: Greg Wed: Ian Thurs: Greg Fri: Ian Sat: Greg It's the Gregorian calendar Quote
narre Posted December 7, 2020 Posted December 7, 2020 Two pensioners are having oral sex with each other. The man says, "I can't do this any longer. It stinks down here!" "Sorry," the woman says. "It's my arthritis." "Arthritis in your vagina?" he exclaims. "No, in my shoulder. I can't wipe my arse!" Quote
EH11_2NL Posted December 7, 2020 Posted December 7, 2020 On 22/11/2020 at 13:24, Ulysses said: Boss's funeral, and one of his staff kneels by the coffin and whispers "who's thinking outside the box now, eh?" Quote
¼½¾ Posted December 7, 2020 Posted December 7, 2020 3 hours ago, narre said: Two pensioners are having oral sex with each other. The man says, "I can't do this any longer. It stinks down here!" "Sorry," the woman says. "It's my arthritis." "Arthritis in your vagina?" he exclaims. "No, in my shoulder. I can't wipe my arse!" Bloody hell! Quote
The Real Maroonblood Posted December 8, 2020 Posted December 8, 2020 23 hours ago, narre said: Two pensioners are having oral sex with each other. The man says, "I can't do this any longer. It stinks down here!" "Sorry," the woman says. "It's my arthritis." "Arthritis in your vagina?" he exclaims. "No, in my shoulder. I can't wipe my arse!" Quote
Robbo-Jambo Posted December 8, 2020 Posted December 8, 2020 On 07/12/2020 at 11:25, narre said: Two pensioners are having oral sex with each other. The man says, "I can't do this any longer. It stinks down here!" "Sorry," the woman says. "It's my arthritis." "Arthritis in your vagina?" he exclaims. "No, in my shoulder. I can't wipe my arse!" 😍 Quote
Morgan Posted December 8, 2020 Posted December 8, 2020 On 07/12/2020 at 12:25, narre said: Two pensioners are having oral sex with each other. The man says, "I can't do this any longer. It stinks down here!" "Sorry," the woman says. "It's my arthritis." "Arthritis in your vagina?" he exclaims. "No, in my shoulder. I can't wipe my arse!" Quote
Pans Jambo Posted December 9, 2020 Posted December 9, 2020 On 07/12/2020 at 11:25, narre said: Two pensioners are having oral sex with each other. The man says, "I can't do this any longer. It stinks down here!" "Sorry," the woman says. "It's my arthritis." "Arthritis in your vagina?" he exclaims. "No, in my shoulder. I can't wipe my arse!" Quote
superjack Posted December 12, 2020 Posted December 12, 2020 When I was a child, I used to be bathed in cheap Australian lager. I think I was fostered. Quote
Hesh Posted December 12, 2020 Posted December 12, 2020 Be extra careful on the roads with Xmas round the corner, a lot of men will be drinking and getting their wife to drive Quote
superjack Posted December 14, 2020 Posted December 14, 2020 I brought a bureau the other day, I opened it up and 14 people fell out, It seems it was a missing person's bureau. Quote
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