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Unashamedly crap jokes (some are pure gold!)


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Billy Bob started a new construction job on a Tuesday, worked the rest of the week and on the following Monday morning, calls his foreman. "Boss, I'm not gonna make it in today...I'm sick."
He shows up Tuesday morning, works the rest of the week and the following Monday, sure enough, he calls the foreman. "Boss, not gonna make it today...I'm sick."
The foreman calls him into his office Tuesday morning, sits him down and says, "Billy, this calling in on Mondays has to stop. You're a good worker and I don't want to fire you. Is there something wrong? Drugs, Alcohol?"
Billy Bob replies, "No, sir. I don't drink or do drugs, but my brother in law does. He gets drunk and beats my sister around. Monday mornings, I visit her, comfort her and then we have sex."
The foreman's jaw drops and he asks "Billy, did I hear you right? You're having sex with your sister?"
Billy Bob replies, "Yeah, I told you I was sick."

 

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pharmaceutical01

What is the difference between a woman and a washing machine??

 

 

a washing machine doesn’t follow you about for a fortnight once you put a load in!!!

 

 

I know I know ...taxi!

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10 hours ago, pharmaceutical01 said:

What is the difference between a woman and a washing machine??

 

 

a washing machine doesn’t follow you about for a fortnight once you put a load in!!!

 

 

I know I know ...taxi!

What's the difference between a woman and a fridge?

A fridge doesn't fart when you take the meat out.

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The Real Maroonblood
57 minutes ago, superjack said:

What's the difference between a woman and a fridge?

A fridge doesn't fart when you take the meat out.

:rofl:

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Quasimodo has had both his arms amputated so he decides to ring the bells of Notre Damne with his hardened face. One day he hits the bell so hard, he loses his footing and falls to his death. Tourists & onlookers run over to the deceased Quasimodo. “Does anyone know who he was?” someone asks. “No,” another person says, “But his face rings a bell”

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6 hours ago, superjack said:

What's the difference between a woman and a fridge?

A fridge doesn't fart when you take the meat out.


What’s the odd one out between a woman, a washing machine and a toaster? 
 

The toaster. It doesn’t leak when it’s fu***d. 

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Dagger Is Back

Thanks to everyone who has posted jokes on this page over the months. I've been putting a couple on my Facebook page every day to give folks a wee laugh in these shan times. Keep them coming please folks

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A Boy Named Crow
3 hours ago, Dagger Is Back said:

Thanks to everyone who has posted jokes on this page over the months. I've been putting a couple on my Facebook page every day to give folks a wee laugh in these shan times. Keep them coming please folks

 

 

I don't get it 

 

 

😉

Edited by A Boy Named Crow
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I hired a beggar for my little cafe business.

The beggar always stands in front of my door,

so out of the goodness of my heart I hired him.

I taught him how to use the power juicer, but could never get it right.

 

And that's when it hit me... Beggars can't be juicers!

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18 minutes ago, narre said:

Can anyone remember the chiropractor joke I put on here about a week back?

 

Spinal problems are far too common. Wish I could just have mines removed as it holds me back.

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My wife suggested that I take kayak lessons.  

 

I said to her, "Are you crazy? Kayak lessons in a Canadian winter?"  At the very least I would have to put some kind of heater inside, and everyone knows that you can't have your kayak and heat it too."

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If you get a link syaing FREE PORN don't opin it.

It's a viras that deactivets you spelcheck & fcuks up your riting.

I receibed it but lukaby I dont uatch porn

so din't opin it. Plaese warm yu frends. Wanks.

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Apparently, the California D.O.T found over 200 dead crows on California Highways recently and there was concern that they may have died from the Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows and, to everyone’s relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts.
However, during analysis, it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the birds’ beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues, it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed from impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars.
The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviorist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout “Cah”…not a single one could shout “Bike”!

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A Boy Named Crow
20 minutes ago, superjack said:

Apparently, the California D.O.T found over 200 dead crows on California Highways recently and there was concern that they may have died from the Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows and, to everyone’s relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts.
However, during analysis, it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the birds’ beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues, it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed from impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars.
The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviorist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout “Cah”…not a single one could shout “Bike”!

🤣 Most jokes on here I've heard before, or some version of the joke anyway.  This ^^^ I did not see coming though,  superb!

Edited by A Boy Named Crow
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I stopped at one of these roadside cafe's recently. There was sign offering Lobster Tails for £5 so I handed over my fiver and the guy said "Once upon a time there was this lobster...." 

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On 05/01/2021 at 09:54, A Boy Named Crow said:

🤣 Most jokes on here I've heard before, or some version of the joke anyway.  This ^^^ I did not see coming though,  superb!

Hmmm... For A Boy Named Crow I must say your vocabulary is remarkable.  Have you learned to say bike yet ?

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A Boy Named Crow
7 hours ago, whodanny said:

Hmmm... For A Boy Named Crow I must say your vocabulary is remarkable.  Have you learned to say bike yet ?

What's in a name eh 😉

Edited by A Boy Named Crow
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alwaysthereinspirit
On 02/01/2021 at 17:02, A Boy Named Crow said:

 

 

I don't get it 

 

 

😉

Think about it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

ok I’ll help you...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He’s on Facebook 

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A hawk, lion and skunk were having a debate over who was the best.

Hawk: I can fly & have the best sight.

Lion: I'm the king of animals.

Skunk: I don't have to fight.

A crocodile came & swallowed all of them. Hawk, Lion & Stinker.

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On 05/01/2021 at 22:14, superjack said:

My wife left me for a tractor salesman. Just got a John Deere letter.

I gave up my obsession for tractors years ago you could say I’m a ex-tractor fan 

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Been watching a lot of Roman lesbian pornography.

 

Just saw two girls Caesaring.

Edited by Bunny Munro
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It's a shame you don't see more kids called Lance these days. 

Back in medieval times they were called Lance a lot. 

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Daddy, why do people hang horses?" asked my daughter.

"Nobody hangs horses darling," I replied.

"Who told you that people hang horses?"

"I just heard mummy on the phone saying that her new boss was hung like a horse!"

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A husband and wife are lying in bed, having just wakened from a night's sleep.

 

Wife:  "I had a dream I was at Walmart."

Husband: "I had a dream I was in bed with two women."

Wife: "Was I one of the women?"

Husband. "No, you were at Walmart."

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My mate once said, "The first car you drive is as memorable as your first kiss."

It's true. I still remember mine,

an old banger that stank of piss... For the life of me I can't remember what the car was though!

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Two businessmen in the centre of London were sitting down for a break in their soon to be new store. As yet the store wasn’t ready with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other.”I bet any minute now some old pensioner is going to walk by, put their face to the window, and ask what we’re selling.

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when sure enough a curious old woman walked to the window, had a peek , and in a soft voice asked . “ What are you selling here.

 

One of the men replied sarcastically. We’re selling a*seholes  .

Without skipping a beat. The old woman said.” Must be doing well..... Only two left

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