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Smithee

Unashamedly crap jokes (some are pure gold!)

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mrmarkus1981

In Germany they are preparing for the Coronavirus by stocking up with sausage and cheese.

 

That's the Wurst Kase scenario

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superjack

Today I was invited to smoke some blow with a female janitor at her flat. I turned her down as I don’t like high maintenance women.

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superjack

A blind man hears about an operation that would give him back his full sight, but he is obviously a little bit sceptical.

He goes along to the surgery with his missus to discuss the procedure with the dr. He asks the doctor if there are any side effects. 
the dr tells him that after the surgery we won’t be able to maintain an erection.

Is that a common side effect? he asks

no the doctor says, it’s just that your wife is fecking ugly.

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bn jambo

Just bumped into a chinese guy, He said "Isolate today!" 

I said, "you should have left earlier then"

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superjack

If the dentists go on lockdown, 

brace yourselves!

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narre

Hairdressers - closed.

Nail bars - closed.

Tanning salons - closed.

Things are about to get ugly.

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narre

I deleted all the German people I know from my phone

Now it’s Hans-Free

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narre

The man who invented predictive text has died.

His funfairs next monkey. May he rust in piss.

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Smithee
4 hours ago, narre said:

The man who invented predictive text has died.

His funfairs next monkey. May he rust in piss.

:yas:

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narre

Is dogging classed as mass gathering?

 

Asking for a friend!

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loganjambo

guy with parkinsons goes out to the ice cream van, asks for a cone, ice cream seller says.what flavour, we have choc mint,vanilla,strawberry. parkinson guys says it wont matter as i will drop anyway..

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Tazio

I bought my friend an elephant for her room, she thanks,  and I just said it’s ok, I don’t want to talk about it. 

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superjack

I've now run out of toilet paper so I'm having to use newspapers now.
The Times are rough.

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jonesy

My mate called me up, asking me to help him wipe his backside with the medicated bog roll he’d bought.

 

”No chance,” I said, “You’ve got to self-izalate”

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132goals1958

From Tam Cowan Off the ball yesterday

 

 

Two guys fighting over the last packet of toilet roll in the supermarket. One finally grabs it and runs away. The other shouts 

Stick they toilet rolls up your arse.

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luckyBatistuta

I asked my wife why she never tells me when she is about to orgasm.

 

She said she doesn’t like to interrupt me at my work.

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luckyBatistuta

"Push harder" I shouted at my wife while she was in labor. "Screw you" she screamed back at me.


 

Bit harsh I thought...... it wasn't my fault the car broke down on the way to the hospital!

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luckyBatistuta

The amount of Covid-19  jokes going around is becoming quite worrying.

 

If it keeps up, this could become a pundemic :65:

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luckyBatistuta

Just to make you all aware of a dangerous Coronavirus email going around titled ‘Knock Knock’

 

Do Not Open It

 

It was created by a Jehovah’s Witness working from home.

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luckyBatistuta

My wife only likes sex doggy style.

 

She makes me beg for it, then she rolls over and plays dead.

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narre

If a blind girl tells you that you have a big dick...

She's probably pulling your leg!

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narre

So I said to Arnie, "Where did you get those toilet rolls?"

 

He said, "Aisle B, back!"

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narre

A question to all those panic buying ice cream, tinned fruit and raspberry sauce;

 

are you planning to self isolate for a month of sundaes?

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narre

My wife woke up with a huge smile on her face this morning...

 

I love felt tip pens!

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Maple Leaf
Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther,
 
"Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different!  The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Susie got pregnant.
 
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Susie got pregnant again.

Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Susie didn't get pregnant again."

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Susie with me."

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Vlad Magic

Prince Charles is currently at Balmoral self isolating with Covid 19.

 

Meanwhile Prince Andrew is at Windsor Castle self isolating with Hannah 14.

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kila
8 minutes ago, Vlad Magic said:

Prince Charles is currently at Balmoral self isolating with Covid 19.

 

Meanwhile Prince Andrew is at Windsor Castle self isolating with Hannah 14.

 

He got bored of Jennifer quickly.

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superjack
Posted (edited)
3 hours ago, kila said:

 

He got bored of Jennifer quickly.

He was also with fiona, Also 14, according to Facebook, the dirty dog.

Edited by superjack

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milky_26
19 minutes ago, superjack said:

He was also with fiona, Also 14, according to Facebook, the dirty dog.

sounds like a really dodgy version of mambo no 5

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LeftBack
3 hours ago, kila said:

 

He got bored of Jennifer quickly.

Let alone Alison, phillipa and sue

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superjack

Me: *sends my son to his room*
My Son: Jim Morrison sucked!
Me: WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?

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redjambo
On 23/03/2020 at 03:42, narre said:

If a blind girl tells you that you have a big dick...

She's probably pulling your leg!

 

On 23/03/2020 at 03:46, narre said:

My wife woke up with a huge smile on her face this morning...

 

I love felt tip pens!

 

It's not often at all that I laugh out loud at two jokes in quick succession on here. We're living in strange times indeed.

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narre

I got the world jacuzzi and 'Yakuza' confused.

 

Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

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narre

My wife blocked me on Facebook because I post too many bird puns...

 

Well, toucan play at that game!

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superjack

I've applied to take over as coach of a football club in Sheffield. At the interview they asked if I was able to start the middle of next week.
Told them I couldn't manage Wednesday...........

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ri Alban

Last night I was arguing with the wife on how to cook a steak.

I said "I've watched loads of cooking  videos on youtube"

She said" You've watched plenty of porn too, but you're still shite at that"

 

 

Charming!

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cubanjambo

What's the difference between Brussels sprouts and bogies?

Kids don't eat Brussels sprouts.

 

Hear about the paper cowboy?

 Got hung for rustling.

 

How many police officers to crack an egg?

None, it fell down the stairs M'lud

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Maple Leaf

This COVID-19 has got me into trouble. My wife is pissed off at me for spending too much time with the local laydees.

 

My hearing isn't so good, and I thought she told me to practice local dancing.

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132goals1958

Was told that if I don’t get off my computer and help with the dishes, she’ll slam my head on the keyboard. But I think she’s jokinddjspswdkjdpa’’4584+1sds;XS’,Z#ZAVMGGDSB,M

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ri Alban

Here about the lonely prisoner with Coronavirus?

He was in his cell.

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Bunny Munro

Sea lions can move faster than humans both in the water, and on land. So if you face one in a triathlon you really have to make up time on the cycling.

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Smithee
Posted (edited)
4 hours ago, ri Alban said:

Here about the lonely prisoner with Coronavirus?

He was in his cell.

That's my favourite joke with "with Coronavirus" stuck in :laugh2:

 

It's up there with the incontinent snail with Coronavirus- he pished his shell

Edited by Smithee

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ri Alban
1 minute ago, Smithee said:

That's my favourite joke with "with Coronavirus" stuck in :laugh2:

 

It's up there with the incontinent snail who had Coronavirus- he pished his shell

:rofl:

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ri Alban
4 hours ago, ri Alban said:

Here about the lonely prisoner with Coronavirus?

He was in his cell.

It's Hear, Dumbass. 

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luckyBatistuta

Two brothers aged 7 year old and 4 year old are in their bedroom.

 

The 7 yr old looks at his brother and says, "I think it's time we start swearing"

The brother nods in agreement.

"When we go downstairs, I'll be the first to swear and then you swear" says the 7 yr old.

The two brothers go downstairs and the mother asks what they want for breakfast.

"I'll have a bowl of cocoa puffs, bitch!"

The mother smacks the kid so hard that he flies out of his chair.

The mother asks the 4 yr old what he wants. Stunned, the 4 yr old says, "I don't know, but it won't be ####ing cocoa puffs!"

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luckyBatistuta

This COVID-19 is really beginning to upset me now.

 

I’ve got a mate in Africa called Dwayne, but because of the restrictions, we can’t see each other.

 

I miss Dwayne...down in Africa

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luckyBatistuta

RIP boiling water

 

You will be mist

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narre

As I looked into her eyes I felt my knees go weak and my stomach turned to butterflies...

 

That's when I realised I'd drugged the wrong glass!

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narre

Just bought Cluedo Swingers Edition...

 

Turns out they all did it, in every room!

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samgolden

If you get an E-mail from the Department for Health about tinned pork containing the corona virus Don’t open it it’s SPAM 

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