Unashamedly crap jokes (some are pure gold!)

[The Real Maroonblood]

38 minutes ago, Morgan said:

Take it you go back to roofing tomorrow (or soon)?

 

Things getting back to normal in a lot of ways here too.  👍

 

Still a wee bit surreal, but definite signs of improvement.

 

And, the Italians are still forbidden to come into France!!  

 

 

Keep the foreigners out.

[Morgan]

7 minutes ago, The Real Maroonblood said:

Keep the foreigners out.

That’s the spirit!  

 

 

[The Real Maroonblood]

Just now, Morgan said:

That’s the spirit!  

 

 

[ri Alban]

1 hour ago, Morgan said:

Take it you go back to roofing tomorrow (or soon)?

 

Things getting back to normal in a lot of ways here too.  👍

 

Still a wee bit surreal, but definite signs of improvement.

 

And, the Italians are still forbidden to come into France!!  

 

 

[LeftBack]

15 hours ago, narre said:

For sale:

Muhammad Ali DVD collection.

George Foreman grill.

Both boxed.

🙌

[martoon]

On 22/05/2020 at 19:03, Seaside jambo said:

A guy goes for a check up at the docs , a little Thai nurse comes into the room and tells the guy that she’s here to carry out a few tests before the doc starts. She tells the guy to drop his trousers n pants so she can carry out a testicle test, she proceeds to cup his balls in her hand , she says to him it’s ok sir to get an erection during this procedure, guys say I haven’t got one ! She reply’s no but I have 

Sorry for that one 😃

 

 

😁

[narre]

A boat carrying red paint has crashed into a boat carrying blue paint...

The crew have been marooned!

[¼½¾]

A man goes to the doctors as he has a lump growing on his forehead.

The doc examines it and says, "I've some bad news for you, you have a penis growing there."

"Oh no, I'll look like a freak!", the man yells.

"Don't worry, you'll not be able to see it." says the doctor.

"Why not?', asked the man.

"The baws will be covering your eyes."

 

[ri Alban]

3 minutes ago, Lemongrab said:

A man goes to the doctors as he has a lump growing on his forehead.

The doc examines it and says, "I've some bad news for you, you have a penis growing there."

"Oh no, I'll look like a freak!", the man yells.

"Don't worry, you'll not be able to see it." says the doctor.

"Why not?', asked the man.

"The baws will be covering your eyes."

 

 

[Maple Leaf]

First sentry:  "Alarm!  Two enemy soldiers are approaching."

Second sentry: "Are they close?"

First sentry: "Well, I heard them say that they've been friends since childhood."

[narre]

14 hours ago, Lemongrab said:

A man goes to the doctors as he has a lump growing on his forehead.

The doc examines it and says, "I've some bad news for you, you have a penis growing there."

"Oh no, I'll look like a freak!", the man yells.

"Don't worry, you'll not be able to see it." says the doctor.

"Why not?', asked the man.

"The baws will be covering your eyes."

 

😄Damn that's a classic.

[narre]

I was in the garden earlier when my wife shouted down from the bedroom window.

"Fancy coming up here and sucking my tits?" she said

. "I can't be bothered coming upstairs," I replied.

"Just take your bra off and I'll do it from down here!"

[martoon]

Dominic Cummings had Covid 19 for ten days. 

 

"It's the worst ten days I've experienced"...

 

...said Covid 19. 

[milky_26]

47 minutes ago, martoon said:

Dominic Cummings had Covid 19 for ten days. 

 

"It's the worst ten days I've experienced"...

 

...said Covid 19. 

someone was watching the last leg or HIGNFY

Edited May 29, 2020 by milky_26

[martoon]

41 minutes ago, milky_26 said:

someone was watching the last leg or HIGNFY

 

Ha, ha. The latter, bud. 😉

[milky_26]

1 minute ago, martoon said:

 

Ha, ha. The latter, bud. 😉

had a few and could not remember whih one it was in

 

its like the dominic cummings golf shot - a long drive that goes out of bounds but does not incur a penalty

[martoon]

Just now, milky_26 said:

had a few and could not remember whih one it was in

 

its like the dominic cummings golf shot - a long drive that goes out of bounds but does not incur a penalty

 

😂

[martoon]

46 minutes ago, milky_26 said:

someone was watching the last leg or HIGNFY

 

Can't recall now if it was Paul mertoon or martoon Clunes who said it. 

[milky_26]

23 minutes ago, martoon said:

 

Can't recall now if it was Paul mertoon or martoon Clunes who said it. 

clunes, initially i thought it was adam hills :😂

[Boof]

1 hour ago, milky_26 said:

had a few and could not remember whih one it was in

 

its like the dominic cummings golf shot - a long drive that goes out of bounds but does not incur a penalty

 

Or the Barnard Castle - a short drive but you can't find your ball.

[narre]

A bloke walks into a pet shop and places a bomb on the counter and says,

"You've got one minute to get out."

A tortoise in the back shouts, "You *******!"

[narre]

I was really embarrassed when my wife walked in on me playing with my sons train set by myself

, so in a moment of panic, I threw a bed sheet over it...

I think I've managed to cover my tracks!

[RobNox]

On 08/03/2020 at 20:52, Dawnrazor said:

A man who can't stop singing Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin songs has been diagnosed with Crooners virus.

 

I have a recurring nightmare where I can't stop singing 'Love Is All Around'

 

It's a Wet Wet Wet dream

[RobNox]

A new study reveals that most men can spot a gay man from his face alone.

 

It's the face that's buried in another man's arsehole.

[narre]

A man goes to confession after a long absence.

He sits in the booth, looks around & says to the Priest,

''The confessional has really changed father.

I don't remember Guinness on tap and gay porn mags in the booths.

" The Priest said, "That's because you're in my ****in seat!''

 

 

[Maple Leaf]

Apologies in advance for the use of old-fashioned terminology.

 

The people of an Indian tribe ask their chief how they should prepare for winter.  The Chief replies, "Collect firewood."  The people run off, collecting as much firewood as they can.

The Chief thinks to himself, "Maybe I should check up on this," so he phones the weather office and asks what sort of winter they're predicting.

"We're forecasting a cold winter," the weather office tells him.

A wee bit worried, the Chief calls his people together and says ,"Maybe I understated the winter.  I think it's going to be really cold, so go out and gather more firewood." The people run off again, gathering more wood."

The Chief decides to check with the weather office again, so phones them.

The guy at the weather office says, "We've updated our forecast. Now we're forecasting a really, really cold winter."

"What made you change your forecast?" asks the Chief.

Came the reply, "The Indians are gathering firewood like crazy."

[Horatio Caine]

The Hibby who was looking forward to s******g his mother's sister was disappointed when it just turned out to be an auntie climax.

[Dawnrazor]

There are three kind of people in this world, those that can count.......and those that can't 

Edited June 5, 2020 by Dawnrazor

[Dawnrazor]

What sound does a nut make when it sneezes?

 

 

 

 

Cashew!

[narre]

Since getting stuck in a lift, I've become petrified of them...

So now I've started taking steps to avoid them!

[narre]

Me and my girlfriend had sex in my car last night

and it was pretty uncomfortable...

I wish we'd dropped her parents off first!

[narre]

Bloody autocorrect strikes again...

The other day I sent my best mate a text saying,

'Hey Dave, do you fancy coming for a wank along the river?'

I mean, how embarrassing... I meant 'canal'

[kila]

10 minutes ago, narre said:

Since getting stuck in a lift, I've become petrified of them...

So now I've started taking steps to avoid them!

 

Getting over one's fear of lifts is rather elevating...

 

[I P Knightley]

I think the woman in the house across the bottom of my garden has been stalking me. She's been in her room googling my name. I saw her doing so through my binoculars. 

 

 

(Apologies if this one has already appeared in the thread)

[A Boy Named Crow]

10 hours ago, Dawnrazor said:

There are three kind of people in this world, those that can count.......and those that can't 

There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary,  and those who don't 

[redjambo]

There are two major requirements for Coronavirus to spread through a country:

 

1) A dense population.

 

2) A dense population.

[ƒιѕнρℓαρѕ]

28 minutes ago, redjambo said:

There are two major requirements for Coronavirus to spread through a country:

 

1) A dense population.

 

2) A dense population.

How do we explain Hong Kong, 4 deaths from 7.5 million?

[ƒιѕнρℓαρѕ]

20 minutes ago, Smithee said:

How do we explain Hong Kong, 4 deaths from 7.5 million?

🤦‍♂️

[ri Alban]

🤣

[martoon]

What size is the queue at B&Q? 

 

The same size as the B. 

[narre]

BREAKING: Statue of Boris Johnson to be placed on Thames riverbed to save time later!

 

A lorry load of Brillo pads was stolen last night...

Police are currently scouring the area!

[narre]

I've accidentally swallowed some scrabble squares...

Going for a poo could spell trouble!

[narre]

"I love you loads, honey pie,"my wife said earlier.

"And I love you tons," I replied.

"What, no nickname for me?" she asked.

Sometimes I swear the fat cow is going deaf!

[superjack]

I wasn't very close to .y grandfather when he died. Just as well really as he stood on a landmine.

[Maple Leaf]

If you get an email with the subject "Knock, knock", don't open it.

 

It's a Jehovah's Witness working from home.

[superjack]

I went to the barbers for a number 2.
They were furious.

[kila]

A wee boy is staying with his gran. Needing the toilet, he says 'I need a pish gran'. Furious with such language, she told him in future to say he 'needs a whisper'.

 

The next day the boy is sent home early from school, and sobbing he tells his gran what happened. 'I put my hand up and said to the teacher I need to whisper and she said to come and do it in her ear'. The gran shrugging replied 'just as well you didn't need a shout!'

 

[Maple Leaf]

Don't be embarrassed about wearing a face mask in public.

 

Some people wear Hibs jerseys. 

[luckyBatistuta]

Here's a strange one, a guy came to our door last night, he asked if I wanted my shed re-tarred, I said no and sent him on his way. Woke up this morning and the shed was gone

[Swanny17]

2 hours ago, luckyBatistuta said:

Here's a strange one, a guy came to our door last night, he asked if I wanted my shed re-tarred, I said no and sent him on his way. Woke up this morning and the shed was gone