Unashamedly crap jokes (some are pure gold!)

[narre]

A husband buys his wife a car for her birthday.

"I don't like it," she says.

"I want something that goes from 0-140 in 3 seconds."

So he comes back with a set of bathroom scales and says, "Stand on that you fat fooka.

[Rab Mac52]

6 hours ago, superjack said:

Dave the Jambo is touring the USA. Along the way, he stops off at a remote bar in the Nevada desert and chats to the bartender when he spots a Red Indian in full tribal dress seated in the corner of the bar.

"Wow!" remarks Dave. "Who's he?"

"Gee, that's the memory man," replies the bartender. "He knows everything there is to know. Got a memory like an elephant, he can remember any fact. Go and try him out!"

Dave heads over to the Red Indian, thinking that he can outsmart him with a question about Scottish football.

He asks the memory man, "Who won the 2012 Scottish cup final?"

"Hearts," came the instantaneous reply.

Dave was stunned. He tried again asking, "Who did they beat?"

"Hibs," replied the memory man.

Dave tried once more asking, "What was the final score?"

The wise Red Indian didn't hesitate in answering, "5-1."

Dave thinks he'll get smart, asking the memory man for the name of the 4th goal scorer. Without so much as blinking, the Red Indian says, "Ryan MacGowan."

Dave is stunned and returns home to Edinburgh, where he tells everyone about the Red Indian. Dave's curiosity lingers, and he vows to return to America and pay his respects to the Indian. Few years later, Dave finally saved up enough money to return and, after weeks of searching the Nevada desert, once more he finds the Red Indian, now in a cave.

Humbled by the Red Indian, Dave steps forward, bows, and greets the brave in his traditional tongue.

"How," Dave says.

The memory man squints at him and replies, "A diving header in the six-yard box." 
Happy anniversary jambos 🇱🇻🇱🇻🇱🇻🇱🇻🇱🇻🇳🇬

Brilliant. Love it.

[Morgan]

7 hours ago, superjack said:

Dave the Jambo is touring the USA. Along the way, he stops off at a remote bar in the Nevada desert and chats to the bartender when he spots a Red Indian in full tribal dress seated in the corner of the bar.

"Wow!" remarks Dave. "Who's he?"

"Gee, that's the memory man," replies the bartender. "He knows everything there is to know. Got a memory like an elephant, he can remember any fact. Go and try him out!"

Dave heads over to the Red Indian, thinking that he can outsmart him with a question about Scottish football.

He asks the memory man, "Who won the 2012 Scottish cup final?"

"Hearts," came the instantaneous reply.

Dave was stunned. He tried again asking, "Who did they beat?"

"Hibs," replied the memory man.

Dave tried once more asking, "What was the final score?"

The wise Red Indian didn't hesitate in answering, "5-1."

Dave thinks he'll get smart, asking the memory man for the name of the 4th goal scorer. Without so much as blinking, the Red Indian says, "Ryan MacGowan."

Dave is stunned and returns home to Edinburgh, where he tells everyone about the Red Indian. Dave's curiosity lingers, and he vows to return to America and pay his respects to the Indian. Few years later, Dave finally saved up enough money to return and, after weeks of searching the Nevada desert, once more he finds the Red Indian, now in a cave.

Humbled by the Red Indian, Dave steps forward, bows, and greets the brave in his traditional tongue.

"How," Dave says.

The memory man squints at him and replies, "A diving header in the six-yard box." 
Happy anniversary jambos 🇱🇻🇱🇻🇱🇻🇱🇻🇱🇻🇳🇬

  

[superjack]

I was thinking ,Gary Naismiths been wearing a mask to work long before they became necessary.

He’s the Loan Arranger .

[narre]

My wife said, "Did you know butterflies only live for one day?"

I said, "That's a myth."

She said, "No, it's definitely a butterfly!"

[narre]

I used to go out with a woman called Amanda Lin...

Nice girl, but a bit highly strung!

[ri Alban]

2 hours ago, narre said:

I used to go out with a woman called Amanda Lin...

Nice girl, but a bit highly strung!

[Robbo-Jambo]

On ‎19‎/‎05‎/‎2020 at 07:56, superjack said:

Dave the Jambo is touring the USA. Along the way, he stops off at a remote bar in the Nevada desert and chats to the bartender when he spots a Red Indian in full tribal dress seated in the corner of the bar.

"Wow!" remarks Dave. "Who's he?"

"Gee, that's the memory man," replies the bartender. "He knows everything there is to know. Got a memory like an elephant, he can remember any fact. Go and try him out!"

Dave heads over to the Red Indian, thinking that he can outsmart him with a question about Scottish football.

He asks the memory man, "Who won the 2012 Scottish cup final?"

"Hearts," came the instantaneous reply.

Dave was stunned. He tried again asking, "Who did they beat?"

"Hibs," replied the memory man.

Dave tried once more asking, "What was the final score?"

The wise Red Indian didn't hesitate in answering, "5-1."

Dave thinks he'll get smart, asking the memory man for the name of the 4th goal scorer. Without so much as blinking, the Red Indian says, "Ryan MacGowan."

Dave is stunned and returns home to Edinburgh, where he tells everyone about the Red Indian. Dave's curiosity lingers, and he vows to return to America and pay his respects to the Indian. Few years later, Dave finally saved up enough money to return and, after weeks of searching the Nevada desert, once more he finds the Red Indian, now in a cave.

Humbled by the Red Indian, Dave steps forward, bows, and greets the brave in his traditional tongue.

"How," Dave says.

The memory man squints at him and replies, "A diving header in the six-yard box." 
Happy anniversary jambos 🇱🇻🇱🇻🇱🇻🇱🇻🇱🇻🇳🇬

  Nice one.

[JWL]

Some people accused me of plagiarism last week.....their words, not mine.

[narre]

Whilst holidaying in France, there was a group of mushrooms singing Queen covers.

I said, "You're brilliant. What's your band called?

" The lead singer replied, "We are 'The Champignons' my friend!"

[narre]

I got caught smuggling childrens TV memorabilia through Customs...

I would have got away with it but I dropped a Clanger!

[milky_26]

4 minutes ago, narre said:

I got caught smuggling childrens TV memorabilia through Customs...

I would have got away with it but I dropped a Clanger!

sounds like a bungled operation

[superjack]

An American interested in old churches goes to see St Patrick's Cathedral in New York. Impressed by its architecture, he notices a stone podium with a telephone on it. A sign beside it says "Speak to God direct - only $ 50,000 !" He thinks "Speak to God ? Amazing!" 

He then visits Notre Dame in Paris and looks around, astounded at its architecture. He notices a phone in an alcove and beside it a sign in English and French "Speak to God direct ! Only EU 50,000.!"

He visits Westminster Cathedral next and again gobsmacked by it all. Then he sees a phone on an altar and a sign "Speak to God direct ! Only 50,000 pounds.!"

So here he is, walking through Gorgie and he comes across the Gorgie church outside Tynecastle. He notes the religious architecture, the proximity to the stadium and then he spots a telephone in a wee B&Q wooden hut in the church and a sign" Speak to God direct ! Only 50p ! "

He stops the passing minister and tells his story then says"But here in Gorgie beside Hearts football stadium, only 50p? How come?"

The minister nods and smiles. "Local call"

[Seaside jambo]

😂like it 

[Morgan]

2 hours ago, superjack said:

An American interested in old churches goes to see St Patrick's Cathedral in New York. Impressed by its architecture, he notices a stone podium with a telephone on it. A sign beside it says "Speak to God direct - only $ 50,000 !" He thinks "Speak to God ? Amazing!" 

He then visits Notre Dame in Paris and looks around, astounded at its architecture. He notices a phone in an alcove and beside it a sign in English and French "Speak to God direct ! Only EU 50,000.!"

He visits Westminster Cathedral next and again gobsmacked by it all. Then he sees a phone on an altar and a sign "Speak to God direct ! Only 50,000 pounds.!"

So here he is, walking through Gorgie and he comes across the Gorgie church outside Tynecastle. He notes the religious architecture, the proximity to the stadium and then he spots a telephone in a wee B&Q wooden hut in the church and a sign" Speak to God direct ! Only 50p ! "

He stops the passing minister and tells his story then says"But here in Gorgie beside Hearts football stadium, only 50p? How come?"

The minister nods and smiles. "Local call"

  Joke’s about Robbo, aye?

 

[Seaside jambo]

A guy goes for a check up at the docs , a little Thai nurse comes into the room and tells the guy that she’s here to carry out a few tests before the doc starts. She tells the guy to drop his trousers n pants so she can carry out a testicle test, she proceeds to cup his balls in her hand , she says to him it’s ok sir to get an erection during this procedure, guys say I haven’t got one ! She reply’s no but I have 

Sorry for that one 😃

 

[Maple Leaf]

4 hours ago, superjack said:

An American interested in old churches goes to see St Patrick's Cathedral in New York. Impressed by its architecture, he notices a stone podium with a telephone on it. A sign beside it says "Speak to God direct - only $ 50,000 !" He thinks "Speak to God ? Amazing!" 

He then visits Notre Dame in Paris and looks around, astounded at its architecture. He notices a phone in an alcove and beside it a sign in English and French "Speak to God direct ! Only EU 50,000.!"

He visits Westminster Cathedral next and again gobsmacked by it all. Then he sees a phone on an altar and a sign "Speak to God direct ! Only 50,000 pounds.!"

So here he is, walking through Gorgie and he comes across the Gorgie church outside Tynecastle. He notes the religious architecture, the proximity to the stadium and then he spots a telephone in a wee B&Q wooden hut in the church and a sign" Speak to God direct ! Only 50p ! "

He stops the passing minister and tells his story then says"But here in Gorgie beside Hearts football stadium, only 50p? How come?"

The minister nods and smiles. "Local call"

 

I thought the punchline was going to be that he made the call to God from Gorgie, and Rudi answered the phone!

[Morgan]

2 hours ago, Maple Leaf said:

 

I thought the punchline was going to be that he made the call to God from Gorgie, and Rudi answered the phone!

It was Robbo that answered the phone, Ron.

 

 

[Maple Leaf]

1 hour ago, Morgan said:

It was Robbo that answered the phone, Ron.

 

 

 

I should have known better!

 

[narre]

I'm really angry! This morning a huge German Shepherd did a huge poo on my front lawn...

To make matters worse, he brought his dog!

[narre]

A lady carrying a duck walks into a bar.

Bartender: "Where did you get that pig?

" Lady: "It's a duck." Bartender:

"I was talking to the duck!"

[¼½¾]

42 minutes ago, narre said:

A lady carrying a duck walks into a bar.

Bartender: "Where did you get that pig?

" Lady: "It's a duck." Bartender:

"I was talking to the duck!"

I heard a different version.

 

A woman is sitting watching TV, when her husband walks in with a sheep under his arm.

Man: "This is the pig I've been s******g."

Wife: "That no a pig, it's a sheep."

Man: "I was talking to the sheep."

 

[muldoon74]

I once lived a stones throw from a family who all died of mysterious head injuries... 

[narre]

45 minutes ago, Lemongrab said:

I heard a different version.

 

A woman is sitting watching TV, when her husband walks in with a sheep under his arm.

Man: "This is the pig I've been s******g."

Wife: "That no a pig, it's a sheep."

Man: "I was talking to the sheep."

 

 

 

Yeah the original one i heard decades ago was.....

 

An Irishman walks into a pub with a pig on a lead

and the barman says"where did you get that"

and the pig said.......Ireland

[¼½¾]

1 hour ago, narre said:

 

 

Yeah the original one i heard decades ago was.....

 

An Irishman walks into a pub with a pig on a lead

and the barman says"where did you get that"

and the pig said.......Ireland

 

[ri Alban]

2 hours ago, narre said:

 

 

Yeah the original one i heard decades ago was.....

 

An Irishman walks into a pub with a pig on a lead

and the barman says"where did you get that"

and the pig said.......Ireland

I'll not tell the version about the frog on a guys head.

[superjack]

2 eggs boiling in a pan, 1 says "I have a higr crack".

The other says "stop teasing me, I'm not even hard yet".

[Morgan]

10 hours ago, ri Alban said:

I'll not tell the version about the frog on a guys head.

Oh, you simply must!

 

:

[ri Alban]

15 minutes ago, Morgan said:

Oh, you simply must!

 

:

🤣

[Morgan]

13 hours ago, muldoon74 said:

I once lived a stones throw from a family who all died of mysterious head injuries... 

[Morgan]

10 minutes ago, ri Alban said:

🤣

Get on with posting the joke, man.  Ffs.

 

[ri Alban]

Just now, Morgan said:

Get on with posting the joke, man.  Ffs.

 

🙊

[muldoon74]

May have been done (perhaps by me!!)...... 

 

2 sausages in a frying pan.. 

 

1 says, "its hot in here isn't it?".. 

 

The other says "**** me a talking sausage!!" 

 

[will-i-am-a-jambo]

This joke is best said aloud.

 

A guy walks into a pub and sees a tiny wee guy playing the piano and he's belting out Beethoven's 9th symphony. Amazed he walks up to the bar and behind the barkeep he sees a genie lamp hanging on the wall. The barkeep sees the stranger spying all this and says 'l tell you what, if you buy a drink l'll let you have the genie lamp and you can have one wish. However, you need to be really careful what you ask for as the genie is a little deaf!'

 

The man buys a drink and heads to the corner of the pub and makes his wish. A few minutes later loads of ducks starting waddling in - quack, quack, quack, quack. The barkeep rushes over angrily and yells to the stranger 'What the hell did you wish for? What are all these ducks doing here?' The stranger replies 'lm really sorry l asked the genie for a million bucks, he must've thought l'd said a million ducks!'.

 

The barkeep starts laughing and replies 'What? Did you think l asked for a 12 inch pianist!'

Edited May 23, 2020 by will-i-am-a-jambo

[Morgan]

7 minutes ago, muldoon74 said:

May have been done (perhaps by me!!)...... 

 

2 sausages in a frying pan.. 

 

1 says, "its hot in here isn't it?".. 

 

The other says "**** me a talking sausage!!" 

 

That’s a banger.   

[kila]

Anyone know how much no more tears shampoo do you have to rub into a baby's eyes before it stops crying?

[kila]

I tied all of my spaghetti together whilst I was drunk yesterday. Ended up skipping dinner.

 

[kila]

I saw Paul from the Chuckle Brothers in the supermarket earlier.

 

I said "Oi, two metre you!"

 

[kila]

A mate of mine believed that the Earth is flat so I challenged him to prove it by walking off the edge.

 

He eventually came around.

 

[¼½¾]

8 hours ago, ri Alban said:

🤣

It's may be this one.

 

An Irishman walks into a doctor's surgery with a frog on his head.

The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"

The frog says. "Well it started as a boil on my bum..."

[ri Alban]

3 hours ago, Lemongrab said:

It's may be this one.

 

An Irishman walks into a doctor's surgery with a frog on his head.

The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"

The frog says. "Well it started as a boil on my bum..."

Aye, that's the one. 👍 Well almost.

[highlandjambo3]

I may have posted this before...................

 

 

what’s the difference between a kangaroo and a kangaroot?
 

a kangaroo is an Australian marsupial and a kangaroot is a geordie stuck in a lift.

[narre]

For sale:

Muhammad Ali DVD collection.

George Foreman grill.

Both boxed.

[Morgan]

14 hours ago, Lemongrab said:

It's may be this one.

 

An Irishman walks into a doctor's surgery with a frog on his head.

The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"

The frog says. "Well it started as a boil on my bum..."

 

10 hours ago, ri Alban said:

Aye, that's the one. 👍 Well almost.

Well, that was worth the wait.

 

[ri Alban]

4 minutes ago, Morgan said:

 

Well, that was worth the wait.

 

Mine would put me in the jail. These days.

[Morgan]

7 minutes ago, ri Alban said:

Mine would put me in the jail. These days.

Ah!  Not worth it then..

 

Best to keep ones powder dry, ri.  👍

[ri Alban]

2 hours ago, Morgan said:

Ah!  Not worth it then..

 

Best to keep ones powder dry, ri.  👍

Yip, unacceptable today. 👍

 

 

[Morgan]

1 minute ago, ri Alban said:

Yip, unacceptable today. 👍

 

 

You’re back!

 

Thought you’d fecked off for the day.  

 

Everything is too PC nowadays, if you ask me.  

[ri Alban]

6 minutes ago, Morgan said:

You’re back!

 

Thought you’d fecked off for the day.  

 

Everything is too PC nowadays, if you ask me.  

PC! I'm on my phone, does that count? 

 

 

Last day on the taxi, bud. Trying to squeeze as much money out of the public. 👍

Edited May 24, 2020 by ri Alban

[Morgan]

1 minute ago, ri Alban said:

PC! I'm on my phone, does that count? 

 

 

Last day on the taxi, bud. Trying to squeeze as much money out of the public. 👍

Take it you go back to roofing tomorrow (or soon)?

 

Things getting back to normal in a lot of ways here too.  👍

 

Still a wee bit surreal, but definite signs of improvement.

 

And, the Italians are still forbidden to come into France!!