Lemongrab Posted March 10 10 hours ago, Cairneyhill Jambo said: I bet the guy who invented sanitising gel must be rubbing his hands now. Things must be getting bad, I just saw a fly using hand gel. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
highlandjambo3 Posted March 10 1 hour ago, Lemongrab said: Things must be getting bad, I just saw a fly using hand gel. 😂 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
narre Posted March 10 Some people aren't shaking hands because of the Coronavirus... I'm not shaking hands because everyone is out of ****ing toilet paper! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
trotter Posted March 10 I met Arnold Schwarznegger coming out of Tesco the other day with a load of toilet paper under his arm. I asked him where he got it and he replied, "Aisle B, back." Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
N Lincs Jambo Posted March 10 Unashamedly nicked off Facebook: Q. Why did the guitarist go to jail? A. For fingering A Minor. I’ll get my coat 😂 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Horatio Caine Posted March 11 Several sales executives from the local Toyota dealership have fallen ill. They have been tested positive for corolla virus. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
I P Knightley Posted March 11 16 hours ago, N Lincs Jambo said: Unashamedly nicked off Facebook: Q. Why did the guitarist go to jail? A. For fingering A Minor. I’ll get my coat 😂 What happened when a piano fell down a coal mine? They got A flat Miner Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
N Lincs Jambo Posted March 11 20 minutes ago, I P Knightley said: What happened when a piano fell down a coal mine? They got A flat Miner Mrs NLJ prefers your one to mine 😂 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Vlad Magic Posted March 12 The Germans are getting seriously worried about Corona virus. They’ve started putting their towels down on hospital beds 😂 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
superjack Posted March 12 My boss said he is going to sack the employee with the worst posture. I have a hunch, it might be me. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Tazio Posted March 12 A priest, a vicar, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank. The rabbits says I think I’m a Type O. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Kalamazoo Jambo Posted March 13 11 hours ago, Tazio said: A priest, a vicar, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank. The rabbits says I think I’m a Type O. 🙂 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
I P Knightley Posted March 13 13 hours ago, Tazio said: A priest, a vicar, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank. The rabbits says I think I’m a Type O. Stolen. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Tazio Posted March 13 7 minutes ago, I P Knightley said: Stolen. Correct. I like to think of it as redistributed. shameful as every other joke on this thread is an original from the mind of the poster Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
I P Knightley Posted March 13 Just now, Tazio said: Correct. I like to think of it as redistributed. shameful as every other joke on this thread is an original from the mind of the poster I meant it as a commendation, as in: "I have just stolen that and WhatsApped it to many friends who I hope now think I'm the finniest person they know" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Tazio Posted March 13 Just now, I P Knightley said: I meant it as a commendation, as in: "I have just stolen that and WhatsApped it to many friends who I hope now think I'm the finniest person they know" I’ll take that. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
redjambo Posted March 13 6 minutes ago, I P Knightley said: I meant it as a commendation, as in: "I have just stolen that and WhatsApped it to many friends who I hope now think I'm the finniest person they know" How I took your comment too. I'm glad your friends think you're so finny. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
I P Knightley Posted March 13 32 minutes ago, redjambo said: How I took your comment too. I'm glad your friends think you're so finny. I swim dead fast to them, tell a great joke then turn round and swim away dead fast before they know what's happened to them. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
redjambo Posted March 13 1 hour ago, I P Knightley said: I swim dead fast to them, tell a great joke then turn round and swim away dead fast before they know what's happened to them. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
narre Posted March 14 Purchase limits placed on shops in light of the Corona virus panic buying . Asda: 2 hand sanitisers and a 4 pack of toilet rolls. Tesco: 1 hand sanitiser, 500g of rice and 4 pack of toilet rolls. Aldi: a welder, a pink sports bra, 2 trumpets, 1 spare wheel for a barrow! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
narre Posted March 14 My girlfriend said to me, "I know you've been cheating on me with that girl from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch." I said, "How can you say such a thing?" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
narre Posted March 14 Anyone want to buy 100 Scotch Eggs and 150 bite size sausage rolls? I misread the headlines and thought everyone was picnic buying. Bloody dyslexia! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lemongrab Posted March 14 If I go into Edinburgh, I have to go really slowly, I'm banned from certain streets and it costs me a fortune if I want to stop anywhere. I think I have carownervirus. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ri Alban Posted March 14 My family were a bit upset when I told them I had a case of Corona. I told them not to worry, as I haven't opened it yet. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
scott herbertson Posted March 15 "We don't serve time travellers here. " A time traveller walks into a bar. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
superjack Posted March 15 I've just arrived home from Denmark where I got I'll from handling their money. Seems I have Kronervirus. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Maple Leaf Posted March 15 On 13/02/2020 at 16:09, Tambo_The_Jambo said: Guy down the street has a jag, a Ferrari and a Lamborghini, I said to him why u got so many motors? He say because I have the car-owner virus. @Tambo_The_Jambo I used this joke in a speech I gave at a wedding yesterday. It brought the house down. Thank you. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Tambo_The_Jambo Posted March 15 46 minutes ago, Maple Leaf said: @Tambo_The_Jambo I used this joke in a speech I gave at a wedding yesterday. It brought the house down. Thank you. Lol your welcome ML 😂 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Dawnrazor Posted March 15 Does anyone want to buy 150 mini pork pies, 150 mini quiches, 100 mini scotch eggs, 100 mini pizzas? I misread the headlines and thought everyone was picnic buying. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Say What Again Posted March 16 On 07/03/2020 at 19:02, Der Kaiser said: Last night I dreamed i weighed less than a thousandth of a gram.....I was like 0mg 😄 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Say What Again Posted March 16 On 09/03/2020 at 02:41, narre said: BREAKING NEWS: John Travolta was hospitalised yesterday for suspected Coronavirus... Doctors have now confirmed it was only a Saturday night fever! On 09/03/2020 at 18:30, I P Knightley said: His symptoms were worrying. He had chills and they were multiplying. Glad to hear he'll be Stayin' Alive Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
milky_26 Posted March 16 6 hours ago, Say What Again said: Glad to hear he'll be Stayin' Alive depends if his chills keep multiplying Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lemongrab Posted March 16 1 hour ago, milky_26 said: depends if his chills keep multiplying I think folk are getting Carried away with this. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
kila Posted March 16 54 minutes ago, Lemongrab said: I think folk are getting Carried away with this. Maybe a Face Off is needed Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Swanny17 Posted March 17 What did the blinds say to the curtains? Nothing. Blinds can’t talk FFS. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
I P Knightley Posted March 17 4 hours ago, Swanny17 said: What did the blinds say to the curtains? Nothing. Blinds can’t talk FFS. FFS, Swanny. You can't do that at a time like this when your public needs cheering up. Pull yourself together. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
narre Posted March 17 My bulk buying has gotten out of hand and I'm now addicted to buying toilet rolls. Next week I'm going to AA. Andrex Anonymous... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
narre Posted March 17 Fruit and veg puns make me feel so good... Right from my head tomatoes! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
narre Posted March 17 Me: "How much for anal?" Hooker: "Sixty quid." Me: "That's a bit expensive. I think I'll leave it." Hooker: "Tight arse!" Me: "Go on then, you've persuaded me!" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Swanny17 Posted March 17 5 hours ago, I P Knightley said: FFS, Swanny. You can't do that at a time like this when your public needs cheering up. Pull yourself together. 😂 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Swanny17 Posted March 17 I heard today that the makers of Corona beer are going to change its name. Nothing to do with the virus, simply because it’s shite! 🍺 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Morgan Posted March 17 On 11/03/2020 at 13:48, N Lincs Jambo said: Mrs NLJ prefers your one to mine 😂 Nae luck, Lincs. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
luckyBatistuta Posted March 17 1 minute ago, Morgan said: Nae luck, Lincs. You da man Morgan Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Morgan Posted March 17 2 minutes ago, luckyBatistuta said: You da man Morgan Merci. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
luckyBatistuta Posted March 17 11 minutes ago, Morgan said: Merci. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
N Lincs Jambo Posted March 17 3 hours ago, Morgan said: Nae luck, Lincs. 😂😂😂 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
jamboy1982 Posted March 18 Got my Coronavirus results back today Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
narre Posted March 18 This stupid panic buying is ridiculous! I've just paid £15 for Oxo cubes.. . The stock market's gone crazy! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lemongrab Posted March 18 The doctor said, "I've got some bad news and some good news." "Give me the bad new first doc", I said. "Your blood test was positive". "What's the good news?" "It was positive for AIDS." Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
