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Unashamedly crap jokes (some are pure gold!)

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Lemongrab
10 hours ago, Cairneyhill Jambo said:

I bet the guy who invented sanitising gel must be rubbing his hands now. 

 

Things must be getting bad, I just saw a fly using hand gel.

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highlandjambo3
1 hour ago, Lemongrab said:

 

Things must be getting bad, I just saw a fly using hand gel.

😂

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narre

Some people aren't shaking hands because of the Coronavirus...

I'm not shaking hands because everyone is out of ****ing toilet paper!

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trotter

I met Arnold Schwarznegger coming out of Tesco the other day with a load of toilet paper under his arm. 

 

I asked him where he got it and he replied,

 

"Aisle B, back."

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N Lincs Jambo

Unashamedly nicked off Facebook:

 

Q. Why did the guitarist go to jail?

 

A. For fingering A Minor.

 

I’ll get my coat 😂

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Horatio Caine

Several sales executives from the local Toyota dealership have fallen ill.  They have been tested positive for corolla virus.

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I P Knightley
16 hours ago, N Lincs Jambo said:

Unashamedly nicked off Facebook:

 

Q. Why did the guitarist go to jail?

 

A. For fingering A Minor.

 

I’ll get my coat 😂

What happened when a piano fell down a coal mine?

 

They got A flat Miner

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N Lincs Jambo
20 minutes ago, I P Knightley said:

What happened when a piano fell down a coal mine?

 

They got A flat Miner

 

Mrs NLJ prefers your one to mine 😂

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Vlad Magic

The Germans are getting seriously worried about Corona virus.

 

They’ve started putting their towels down on hospital beds 😂

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superjack

My boss said he is going to sack the employee with the worst posture.

I have a hunch, it might be me.

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Tazio

A priest, a vicar, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank. The rabbits says I think I’m a Type O. 

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Sirudi

Excellent Tazio !!

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Kalamazoo Jambo
11 hours ago, Tazio said:

A priest, a vicar, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank. The rabbits says I think I’m a Type O. 

 

🙂

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I P Knightley
13 hours ago, Tazio said:

A priest, a vicar, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank. The rabbits says I think I’m a Type O. 

Stolen.

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Tazio
7 minutes ago, I P Knightley said:

Stolen.

Correct. I like to think of it as redistributed. 
shameful as every other joke on this thread is an original from the mind of the poster :jj_facepalm:

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I P Knightley
Just now, Tazio said:

Correct. I like to think of it as redistributed. 
shameful as every other joke on this thread is an original from the mind of the poster :jj_facepalm:

I meant it as a commendation, as in: "I have just stolen that and WhatsApped it to many friends who I hope now think I'm the finniest person they know" :D

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Tazio
Just now, I P Knightley said:

I meant it as a commendation, as in: "I have just stolen that and WhatsApped it to many friends who I hope now think I'm the finniest person they know" :D

I’ll take that. 

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redjambo
6 minutes ago, I P Knightley said:

I meant it as a commendation, as in: "I have just stolen that and WhatsApped it to many friends who I hope now think I'm the finniest person they know" :D

 

How I took your comment too. I'm glad your friends think you're so finny.

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I P Knightley
32 minutes ago, redjambo said:

 

How I took your comment too. I'm glad your friends think you're so finny.

I swim dead fast to them, tell a great joke then turn round and swim away dead fast before they know what's happened to them.

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redjambo
1 hour ago, I P Knightley said:

I swim dead fast to them, tell a great joke then turn round and swim away dead fast before they know what's happened to them.

 

4608050_0.jpg

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narre

Purchase limits placed on shops in light of the Corona virus panic buying

. Asda: 2 hand sanitisers and a 4 pack of toilet rolls.

Tesco: 1 hand sanitiser, 500g of rice and 4 pack of toilet rolls.

Aldi: a welder, a pink sports bra, 2 trumpets, 1 spare wheel for a barrow!

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narre

My girlfriend said to me,

"I know you've been cheating on me with that girl from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch."

I said, "How can you say such a thing?"

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narre

Anyone want to buy 100 Scotch Eggs and 150 bite size sausage rolls?

I misread the headlines and thought everyone was picnic buying.

Bloody dyslexia!

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Lemongrab

If I go into Edinburgh, I have to go really slowly, I'm banned from certain streets and it costs me a fortune if I want to stop anywhere.

 

I think I have carownervirus.

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ri Alban

My family were a bit upset when I told them I had a case of Corona.

I told them not to worry, as I haven't opened it yet.

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scott herbertson

"We don't serve time travellers here. "

 

 

A time traveller walks into a bar.

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superjack

I've just arrived home from Denmark where I got I'll from handling their money.
Seems I have Kronervirus.

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Maple Leaf
On 13/02/2020 at 16:09, Tambo_The_Jambo said:

Guy down the street has a jag, a Ferrari and a Lamborghini, I said to him why u got so many motors? 

He say because I have the car-owner virus. 

 

@Tambo_The_Jambo I used this joke in a speech I gave at a wedding yesterday.  It brought the house down.  Thank you. :thumb:

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Tambo_The_Jambo
46 minutes ago, Maple Leaf said:

 

@Tambo_The_Jambo I used this joke in a speech I gave at a wedding yesterday.  It brought the house down.  Thank you. :thumb:

Lol your welcome ML 😂

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Dawnrazor

Does anyone want to buy 150 mini pork pies, 150 mini quiches, 100 mini scotch eggs, 100 mini pizzas?

 

I misread the headlines and thought everyone was picnic buying.

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Say What Again
On 07/03/2020 at 19:02, Der Kaiser said:

Last night I dreamed i weighed less than a thousandth of a gram.....I was like 0mg

😄

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Say What Again
On 09/03/2020 at 02:41, narre said:

BREAKING NEWS:

John Travolta was hospitalised yesterday for suspected Coronavirus...

Doctors have now confirmed it was only a Saturday night fever!

 

On 09/03/2020 at 18:30, I P Knightley said:

His symptoms were worrying. 

He had chills and they were multiplying. 


Glad to hear he'll be Stayin' Alive

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milky_26
6 hours ago, Say What Again said:

 


Glad to hear he'll be Stayin' Alive

depends if his chills keep multiplying 

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Lemongrab
1 hour ago, milky_26 said:

depends if his chills keep multiplying 

I think folk are getting Carried away with this. 

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kila
54 minutes ago, Lemongrab said:

I think folk are getting Carried away with this. 

 

Maybe a Face Off is needed

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Swanny17

What did the blinds say to the curtains?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Nothing. Blinds can’t talk FFS. 

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I P Knightley
4 hours ago, Swanny17 said:

What did the blinds say to the curtains?

 

 

 

Nothing. Blinds can’t talk FFS. 

FFS, Swanny. You can't do that at a time like this when your public needs cheering up. 

 

Pull yourself together.

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narre

My bulk buying has gotten out of hand

and I'm now addicted to buying toilet rolls.

Next week I'm going to AA.

Andrex Anonymous...

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narre

Fruit and veg puns make me feel so good...

 

Right from my head tomatoes!

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narre

Me: "How much for anal?"

 

Hooker: "Sixty quid."

 

Me: "That's a bit expensive. I think I'll leave it."

 

Hooker: "Tight arse!"

 

Me: "Go on then, you've persuaded me!"

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Swanny17
5 hours ago, I P Knightley said:

FFS, Swanny. You can't do that at a time like this when your public needs cheering up. 

 

Pull yourself together.


😂

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Swanny17

I heard today that the makers of Corona beer are going to change its name.

 

Nothing to do with the virus, simply because it’s shite! 🍺

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Morgan
On 11/03/2020 at 13:48, N Lincs Jambo said:

 

Mrs NLJ prefers your one to mine 😂

Nae luck, Lincs.

 

:oohmatron:

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luckyBatistuta
1 minute ago, Morgan said:

Nae luck, Lincs.

 

:oohmatron:


You da man Morgan :notworthy:

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Morgan
2 minutes ago, luckyBatistuta said:


You da man Morgan :notworthy:

Merci.

 

:sadrobbo: 

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luckyBatistuta
11 minutes ago, Morgan said:

Merci.

 

:sadrobbo: 


 

9936A717-DB50-46B9-84C8-CC1847E1FCB9.gif

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N Lincs Jambo
3 hours ago, Morgan said:

Nae luck, Lincs.

 

:oohmatron:


😂😂😂

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jamboy1982

Got my Coronavirus results back today

118D7495-D54B-4413-BCF4-CDB1F32E9F4F.jpeg

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narre

This stupid panic buying is ridiculous!

I've just paid £15 for Oxo cubes..

 

. The stock market's gone crazy!

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Lemongrab

The doctor said, "I've got some bad news and some good news."

 

"Give me the bad new first doc", I said.

 

"Your blood  test was positive".

 

"What's the good news?"

 

"It was positive for AIDS."

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