Jeff Posted April 12, 2017 Share Posted April 12, 2017 My friend really changed when she became vegetarian. It's like I've never seen herbivore. Not bad Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckyBatistuta Posted April 12, 2017 Share Posted April 12, 2017 Stuart Lyons taxi trip - a shite drive. Brilliant Morgan, I'm playing with a couple of mates today and hopefully I get a chance to say "That's a Stuart Lyons" to them Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted April 12, 2017 Share Posted April 12, 2017 Playing with a couple of mates.... First thing I thought of too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted April 12, 2017 Share Posted April 12, 2017 Dawns Saturday nighter - stuck in the rough. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckyBatistuta Posted April 12, 2017 Share Posted April 12, 2017 Playing with a couple of mates.... You jealous Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckyBatistuta Posted April 12, 2017 Share Posted April 12, 2017 A John Holmes- rammed in a two footer. A Desiree Cousteau - hit it into some dense undergrowth. Made them up... think I'm going to get told to STFU on the course today (normal day really) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted April 12, 2017 Share Posted April 12, 2017 What is the difference between President Clinton and President Kennedy ? One got his head blown off and the other was assassinated. Stick to the golf ones Jonno. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rudi must stay Posted April 12, 2017 Share Posted April 12, 2017 (edited) What do you get if you mix a hyena and an oxo cube? A laughing stock Who do you get if you mix a movie villian and a duck? Count Quackula Edited April 12, 2017 by rudi must stay Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deesidejambo Posted April 12, 2017 Share Posted April 12, 2017 Guy gets the night sleeper to Euston. Due to a booking mistake there is a hot female booked in the other bunk. They quietly get in their bunks but it's a bit cold so he asks - I'm a bit cold down here, would you mind passing a blanket down from the shelf? She replies - tell you what, shall we just pretend we're married instead? He thinks ya dancer so says OK She replies - in that case get yer own ****n blanket. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted April 12, 2017 Share Posted April 12, 2017 Guy gets the night sleeper to Euston. Due to a booking mistake there is a hot female booked in the other bunk. They quietly get in their bunks but it's a bit cold so he asks - I'm a bit cold down here, would you mind passing a blanket down from the shelf? She replies - tell you what, shall we just pretend we're married instead? He thinks ya dancer so says OK She replies - in that case get yer own ****n blanket. Apart from my jokes, this is one of the best on this thread. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Frank Posted April 12, 2017 Share Posted April 12, 2017 Conjunctivitis.com Now there's a site for sore eyes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Frank Posted April 12, 2017 Share Posted April 12, 2017 How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Put him in the microwave 'til he's Bill Withers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Watt-Zeefuik Posted April 13, 2017 Share Posted April 13, 2017 (edited) During my trip up to Assynt last summer I stopped into a pub in Lochinver. Not many folk in there, just one older gent with bloodshot eyes sitting a few stools down from me, clearly well into his rounds. A few other folk passed through, saw him, smirked, and walked out. The old man pretended not to notice them, but he winced a bit. After it had quieted down a bit he turned to me and said, "when you drove into town today, did you see that run of a dozen houses along the hillside? I worked on every one o' em. Walls, siding, roofing, plumbing. Bit of everything. But do the lads here call me Stuart the Housebuilder? No, of course they don't. 12 houses, 12 houses I tell you." I didn't quite know what to make of this so I just nodded vaguely over my drink and looked for the bartender, who'd suddenly disappeared. It wasn't long before he started up again. "There's four boats over at the harbor now. I've been inside and out of each one of them. Helped ol' John with the engines, patched the hulls, even did a bit of the cabinetry on the inside. Boat cabinetry is tricky work. Four boats. Do they call me Stuart the Boatbuilder?" He threw up is hands and shook his head. "Four boats. Not one, four of them." I was even more confused, but he started again quickly. "Five windmills up on the ridge now. Say we're making most of our own power now. I helped raise all five of them. Did a bit of welding, bit of wiring. Windmills are tricky business. You'd think after that they'd call me Stuart the Windmill Raiser, wouldn't you?" He got quiet again. And then he said, quietly, almost to himself, "But you f--- just one goat...." Edited April 13, 2017 by Ugly American Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aussieh Posted April 13, 2017 Share Posted April 13, 2017 (edited) A John Holmes- rammed in a two footer. A Desiree Cousteau - hit it into some dense undergrowth. Made them up... Leslie Ash- Lipped oot. Taxi! Edited April 13, 2017 by aussieh Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aussieh Posted April 13, 2017 Share Posted April 13, 2017 A John Holmes- rammed in a two footer. A Desiree Cousteau - hit it into some dense undergrowth. Made them up... The crucifixion - Held up by the dew Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aussieh Posted April 13, 2017 Share Posted April 13, 2017 (edited) A John Holmes- rammed in a two footer. A Desiree Cousteau - hit it into some dense undergrowth. Edited April 13, 2017 by aussieh Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JWL Posted April 13, 2017 Share Posted April 13, 2017 Don't know if I'll get away with this.........................A Madeleine McCann.........................only 100 yards away but no chance of finding it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jb102 Posted April 13, 2017 Share Posted April 13, 2017 Don't know if I'll get away with this.........................A Madeleine McCann.........................only 100 yards away but no chance of finding it. At least two people know where it is for certain? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted April 13, 2017 Share Posted April 13, 2017 Dad, why is my sister called Teresa? Because your mum loves Easter and it's an anagram of easter. Why do you ask Alan? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bauld Posted April 13, 2017 Share Posted April 13, 2017 A brand new car is being launched in Portugal, which includes space in the boot for a child. It's called the Renault McCann. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rab Mac52 Posted April 13, 2017 Share Posted April 13, 2017 m never heard that one before Heard that about Nicola Sturgeon. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted April 13, 2017 Share Posted April 13, 2017 I've been diagnosed with a fear of giants. Feefiphobia. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted April 13, 2017 Share Posted April 13, 2017 And I'm shit scared of palindrome. Aibohphobia. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckyBatistuta Posted April 13, 2017 Share Posted April 13, 2017 (edited) Dad, why is my sister called Teresa? Because your mum loves Easter and it's an anagram of easter. Why do you ask Alan? Like that A brand new car is being launched in Portugal, which includes space in the boot for a child. It's called the Renault McCann. Hmm, not sureHeard that about Nicola Sturgeon.She'd fit in the boot of a Renault McCann car too Edited April 13, 2017 by luckyBatistuta Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted April 15, 2017 Share Posted April 15, 2017 What's the difference between a hooker and Jesus? The look on their face when being nailed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckyBatistuta Posted April 15, 2017 Share Posted April 15, 2017 What's the difference between a hooker and Jesus? The look on their face when being nailed. Don't know about that...what if Dawnrazor is nailing the hooker? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aussieh Posted April 15, 2017 Share Posted April 15, 2017 (edited) How do you know Jesus/Moses rode a motorbike? It says in the bible, you could hear his triumph through the city. How do you know Jesus smoked? It says in the bible, he says "any doubts bring them to me" How do you know Jesus had rubber arse? It says in the bible, they tied him to a tree and he walked to Jerusalem. Edited April 15, 2017 by aussieh Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted April 16, 2017 Share Posted April 16, 2017 What uses 20 parking spaces? 10 woman drivers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted April 18, 2017 Share Posted April 18, 2017 I can cut a piece of timber just by staring at it. It's true, I saw it with my own eyes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted April 18, 2017 Share Posted April 18, 2017 I went to the library today and asked for that book on schrodingers cat and pavlovs dog today. The librarian said it rang a bell but she didn't know if it was there or not. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jb102 Posted April 18, 2017 Share Posted April 18, 2017 I went to the library today and asked for a book on suicide. Librarian said "No! You won't bring it back". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
No Pirlo - No Party Posted April 18, 2017 Share Posted April 18, 2017 How do you know Jesus/Moses rode a motorbike? It says in the bible, you could hear his triumph through the city. How do you know Jesus smoked? It says in the bible, he says "any doubts bring them to me" How do you know Jesus had rubber arse? It says in the bible, they tied him to a tree and he walked to Jerusalem. God said to Moses, "These are the 15 commandments by which my people will live!" "Now Moses, will you remember all these?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted April 19, 2017 Share Posted April 19, 2017 A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter's swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, "Gimme a break, lady! Your daughter is pregnant!" The mother turn red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that *her* daughter was a good girl, and would *never* compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy. The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon. The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?" "Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came. I was hoping they'd show up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
¼½¾ Posted April 19, 2017 Share Posted April 19, 2017 The librarian just stared at me when I asked if they had any books on shelves. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Meadows Posted April 19, 2017 Share Posted April 19, 2017 I asked the librarian for a book on paranoia ... They're behind you she said ! Told the librarian I'd ordered a book for men with small penis's ... I'll just check if it's in , she said. Don't you start as well I replied !! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted April 24, 2017 Share Posted April 24, 2017 Bullying in the workplace is terrible, I just don't put up with it. Today, someone kept telling me I looked like a flamingo, so o had to put my foot down. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Watt-Zeefuik Posted April 25, 2017 Share Posted April 25, 2017 (May have done this one already) What do you get for the girl who has everything? Penicillin. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted April 25, 2017 Share Posted April 25, 2017 I used to go out with a dental hygienist. That was the whitest set of teeth I ever came accross. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted April 26, 2017 Share Posted April 26, 2017 3 boys are talking in the playground. The 1st boy says, "My Dad's the fastest man in the world." "How do you know that?" Asks the other boys. "Because he can fire a bow and arrow and run and catch it!" He replies."That's nothing," says the 2nd boy. "My Dad can fire a gun and run and catch the bullet!" That's nothing says the 3rd boy, "My Dad works for the Council and he's that fast, he finishes work at half 4 and he's in the house for 2." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Armageddon Posted April 26, 2017 Share Posted April 26, 2017 Those here for the Yodelling lesson, please form an orderly orderly orderly orderly queue ....... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted April 26, 2017 Share Posted April 26, 2017 I used to go out with a dental hygienist. That was the whitest set of teeth I ever came accross. Any holidays planned Jack? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unknown user Posted April 26, 2017 Author Share Posted April 26, 2017 Dad, why is my sister called Teresa? Because your mum loves Easter and it's an anagram of easter. Why do you ask Alan? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted April 27, 2017 Share Posted April 27, 2017 Dad, why is my sister called Teresa? Because your mum loves Easter and it's an anagram of easter. Why do you ask Alan? One of your best Jack Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dawnrazor Posted April 27, 2017 Share Posted April 27, 2017 One for the vermin reading this site, you'll relate to this; How do you know when your sister has her period? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Your Dad's ****** tastes funny!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted April 27, 2017 Share Posted April 27, 2017 One for the vermin reading this site, you'll relate to this; How do you know when your sister has her period? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Your Dad's ****** tastes funny!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iantjambo Posted April 27, 2017 Share Posted April 27, 2017 Dad, why is my sister called Teresa? Because your mum loves Easter and it's an anagram of easter. Why do you ask Alan? Another that took a second or two but superb Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stuart Lyon Posted April 27, 2017 Share Posted April 27, 2017 Lana is a girl's name! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted April 27, 2017 Share Posted April 27, 2017 Another that took a second or two but superb Much more than a second or two for me. I first read it yesterday and 'got it' today. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted April 27, 2017 Share Posted April 27, 2017 Lana is a girl's name! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Swanny17 Posted May 1, 2017 Share Posted May 1, 2017 I?ve been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants. Feefiphobia Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.